Physical health is one of the most challenging issues in a relationship. It's not usually listed in the surveys as one of the top reasons why couples fight, but I believe it's because most couples are too ashamed to actually talk (or fight) about it.
Having an unhealthy partner, whether it's due to substance abuse or severe obesity or anything else, is very hard. You want them to get healthier, and are often frustrated as to why they're not. In your mind, you see their lack of effort as a choice, so much of the motivation that you're providing is probably along that line. "Let's go to the gym together." "Let's get a healthy cookbook and start cooking." In the mind of the partner, all it comes down to is giving them the right push.
But you can't push someone to do something like lose weight or kick drugs. That push feels like pressure, and that pressure creates shame, and that shame leads to more unhealthiness. If your boyfriend is going to change, that push is going to have to come from him. So my advice for you isn't about what to do for him. It's about what to do for yourself.
You need to honestly assess whether or not you can be with your boyfriend long term if he doesn't become healthier. Could you spend the next years and decades with an unhappy sex life? Is his stubbornness a constant source of frustration? Do you feel waves of guilt and shame? If the answers to those questions aren't happy ones, then I think you should consider moving on.
And if you do, I recommend you be honest with him as to why. Don't spare his feelings here, because perhaps hearing what caused the break up is enough for him to generate his own push. Everything you've done so far isn't enough. He isn't creating his own motivation. Perhaps the shock of losing his girlfriend because of his weight will let him put together that push.
I wish him, and you, a lot of luck.
Ladies, am I wrong? Have you been able to talk a boyfriend or girlfriend into getting healthy after they've refused to for a long time? If so, how did you do it?
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True story..., Myst.
If you feel you are on the verge of breaking up with him, be honest & tell him. Just be prepared for a nasty fight. He may unload on what he doesn't like about you. Just remember, you deserve to be happy. If he isn't doing it for you, go find happy!
ps..., you don't have to have sex with someone if it's uncomfortable. It's your body. Remind him of that too.
I agree with MM. My exhusband was slobby about his body. I'm an avid runner and I eat healthy, we spent 5 years playing tug-o-war over what lifestyle to live b/c he wanted to push me into pizzas and beer, and I wanted him to lose the huge beer gut, especially when he thought it was cute to rub it like an 8 month pregnant woman. Yes, I loved him, but that will wear you down eventually, especially when you want to have sex and you look at them and shudder. You really can't change anyone but yourself, and being that I'm a quite determined person, I was amazed that in the end his slovenly habits rubbed off on me more than my healthy habits rubbed off on him. If he truely doesn't care like my ex, then nothing will make him realize this is important to you except you leaving him b/c of it. And if that doesn't wake him up, then nothing will.
I've actually been on BOTH sides of this equation - and I feel for you!
1. I've dated men who were overweight and said they wanted to lose weight. But cue 2 years later and they were still overweight and not really working on it. And it gets old and it's unattractive and eventually I broke up with them because nothing was happening and I was pretty sure that nothing was going to happen.
2. I've been overweight, too! And when I was overweight, it wasn't that I didn't know there was a problem. I just didn't have the desire to change the situation. I finally woke up one day and realized that my weight was holding me back. I made a bucket list, and I started working my way down those goals. Now I'm a runner training for my 2nd half marathon and I couldn't be prouder. But it took a serious 'aha moment' before I got off my butt.
All that being said, MM is 110% right. You -can't- provide the motivation your partner needs. It MUST come from within. I know, because I've been there. It has nothing to do with how much your partner loves you, but rather, how they feel about themselves, and (probably even more important) what they want in life.
What you have to decide is whether you're going to wait for your partner to find that internal motivation, or whether you're going to walk. I think the question to ask is, what will your life be like if Boy never loses the weight? And is that a life you want?