I don't think so; I think he's a fault-finder. It's a personality disorder where someone constantly judges your behavior and obsesses over your perceived flaws at the expense of adequately praising you for the things you do right and making you feel valued.
Nag, harpy, nitpicker, hyper-critical--there are many names for it, and many causes. Some experts claim it is a type of paranoia, some believe it is a form of OCD, and others see it as a type of depression. Whatever it is, I know this: it's a complete drag and an absolute relationship-killer.
I had a girlfriend like this once, and I remember telling her many times, "I can't seem to do anything right with you." Then you find yourself trying to be extra "good" to please the person, always walking on eggshells so as not to piss them off, and that's no way to have a relationship. It doesn't work, anyway--they still find stuff to bitch about. They always will. Even if you were perfect, this type of person would still find a way to criticize you. "You're just too perfect," they would say. "It's so frustrating!"
You can talk to your boy about the problem, and should, but I can tell you from experience that this is a very hard trait to change in someone. Most chronic fault-finders I've known have parents who treated them the same way their entire lives, and that kind of long-term damage isn't undone with a simple request to back off. I'm not saying he will never change, but first, of course, he has to want to change, and even getting to that initial step won't be easy. Most fault-finders think that all their criticisms are valid.
If you believe in the relationship, though, it is certainly worth trying to get him to take it easy on you. I'm just warning you that it will be a long and uphill battle, and you will never be able to make him change completely. You need to know this going in.
Good luck, and thanks for the question.
I dated a guy like that and it was total emotional abuse. Every single thing that I liked about myself, he viewed as a fault. My hair, my sense of humor, my driving. If he doesn't make you happy, then leave before you buy into his bs.
i dated a guy like that too. married him. had a baby with him. divorced him. and he still does that to me. it is absolutely abusive. it took me along time to realize the only thing that could change the situation was me, so i did. i have since changed the way i handle it, but he still hasn't changed. and never will. these men want you to hate yourself so that you never leave them, thats just how it starts.
Totally agree, relationship super killer. I dated a guy like this. I told him I was born like this, but he still kept coming back, but the criticism and then me thinking that he would critize me for something, made me nuts and my trust in him started to go away. Evaluate if he's worth it if not....move on to someone who will love you exactly the way you are.
You deserve better. Period.
Ive been with guys like this and this is considered verbal abuse which can and often does turn into phsyical abuse. Listen no man or woman is ever worth the price of your self esteem. You should break up with this guy because if somone is dating you and can't see what a great catch you are and treat you accordingly its his loss not yours. You are never going to pleaase someone like this and its a waste of time trying to do so.
I've been reading and re-reading "He's just not that into you, " and "Its called a breakup because its broken" I found them on sale for a dime each at the libray and the male author for both books says repeadtly in both books that "any man who cannot see what a stone cold fox you are and treats you accordingly does not deserve your time or your attention."
Be proud of who you are and if you can't be your true self around somone especially someon you're dating then its not worth the time you're investing in this relationship. Good Luck to you.
Same here, dated a guy 2 months before I realised it was too much and I was not taking the crap anymore. It wasn't just me though, he nit picked everyone, it was like dating the bitchiest girl in the bitchiest group in high school except he was a 29yr old man. My self esteem is not that great to start with it doesn't need his crap projected onto it. And he wondered why I was grumpy all the time...The thing is when I brought up specific comments he had made when I was breaking up with him, he didn't remember them or denied saying them. And the kicker is he was a nice guy apart from this but I think he will end up old and alone as he didn't see anything wrong with being this way. Do you want to spend all your energy fixing this guy when there are heaps of great guys out there? Only you can tell but my advice would be to get out now, negative people are hard work, HARD work to be around.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so, so, so, so much.
I recently got ditched by someone like this---'recently' being a few months ago, 'ditched' being he completely disappeared one day and didn't tell me why or even goodbye, and I didn't find out until at least a month afterward---and I've been tearing myself up ever since because I didn't understand.
Thank you.
You're welcome. He sounds like the problem here, not you. You can stop tearing yourself up now.
He an instigator.
I know this sounds crummy, but when my friend is ready to end it with a guy, she starts acting like a bi’otch & picks at everything he does. She says that she doesn’t want to be the bad guy & tries to get him to break up with her. Bat $h!T crazy if you ask me…
(Yes I accidently put this on the other question of Cary’s, arg!)
I'm in this type of relationship it didn't start This way it was a recent change so I called him on it and said I'm better than this and asked him to leave. He left for a work training for a month and realized he missed me. Apoligizex for each action he recognized it all. Were working Through HIS faulty beliefs I wrote down each one and told him how it makes me feel. Its been hard but worth it. Were trying learning I'm invaluable and his argument is invalid ocd like yes! . If he's willing to meet you half way It may be worth your time.
OP here - just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the encouragement and support. I'm going to try talking to him to see if anything changes - and if it doesn't, really reevaluate things.
But a big thank you to all of you (you especially, Cary).
I'm wondering why "fault finder" is considered to be a personality disorder. Calling someone a fault finder (in the clinical sense) almost excuses/justifies that characteristic of themselves as being valid, in my opinion. It sounds like that person's just being a jerk, to me, not that they're clinically flawed.
I wasn't speaking in clinical terms, although this type of personality is linked to clinical diagnoses like paranoid personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (which is not the same as OCD). I definitely was not excusing his behavior. I do, however, think that most behaviors one might call "just being a jerk" are rooted in some form of personality disorder. That doesn't make them acceptable, though.
im dating a guy like this frm 2 yrs.. i love him, n vice vrsa too. but it just kills me wen he talks lyks like that!:( he thinks im havin an affair with evry guy i talk to! but i dnt want to leave him ya! wat to do? :(