I thank whatever circumstances prevented you. Yet you are going to a place where I may not follow. It would be both immoral and unethical of me to do so, not being a doctor or a trained professional.
Tis time for you to seek true help, not that of a faceless stranger, no matter how sympathetic he may be. Call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255 right now please. They will understand, help and not judge. I promise you that, on my word of honor. And you really need to talk.
Make the call. Tell me you made the call, cause yes, I will worry until I see that you have, and don't go telling me you have when you have not.
Then ask your question again in two weeks, should you feel the need to, and it will be answered.
mm you give me so much hope :)
Yes, ring that number! This isn't normal and not something you should have to go through on your own!
It' doesn't make you a bad person to feel at peace, but you're obviously in a bad place at the moment, I hope you manage to find that peace elsewhere and manage to gain control over other aspects of your life instead of just its existence! It is possible so don't give up hope and don't give up trying.
I've made that call more times than I care to count, unfortunately. I don't wanna call again and get the same run around. I just want it to stop. You talked about will power the last time I contacted you with a question. Unfortunately, I think mine is gone. I've been dealing with this depression over half of my life. I'm running out of fuel here.
Thank you sincerely for trying though.
My lady. And yes you are, so snarky comments you keep to yourself.
Life don't stop. That ain't the way it is. So I am gonna take a risk.
You are talking shit. Ye have the will, should ye wish to use it. Are thee defined by thy depression? Is the grey pain your entire life?
No, it is not. Tha art better than that. Stronger than that.
Call again.
I promised to answer your question in two weeks. I keep my word, should not you?
I see no point. I really don't. Because nothing changes. Nothing will change. You can call bull shit on me if you, want, but I don't have the will to do this anymore. I fought. I gave it a good go. And all things considered, I think I did my best with the circumstances I was given.
They'll tell me that my life means something. But to me it's lost it's meaning. I have no dreams. No hope.
They'll tell me that it gets better. But I don't have faith in that. Maybe for some people it does. But it hasn't for me. Not even a little bit.
They'll tell me that I don't have to do it alone, but I do, because the people I should be able to go to with these things, I can't, because they tell me it's just a phase, and that I should be better.
You say I'm stronger. And I should be for the things I've seen and done. But I haven't gotten stronger. Just more thin skinned.
What do I even tell them when I call? "Yeah, I want to kill myself, but I can't find the place or the time." You want me to call? I'll call. I didn't promise anything to you. But fine. I'll call, just because it irks me that you're telling me I'm not keeping my word.
No.
You want to hear a tale? No, you don't. Tough, you will hear it anyway. Shut up and listen.
Once upon a time, a short time ago, there was a person. Happy., cheerful, and devout. Someone shoved a rifle in his hand and sent him off to war. Where he killed people. Not from a distance, and Hollywood hasn't a f*cking clue. He learned that killing is wrong. Learned it the hard way.
Ye listen to a guy who has both killed and wanted to die. Death is NOT right. Ye got the right to destroy you parents and friends?
No you do not.
I know not how to say this, but you are wrong. Totally wrong.
if you didn't want to be here, you wouldn't have reached out, straight. up. dreams don't come to you sweetheart, you make them. you want to be in control and have peace? create the life you want instead of waiting for it to come to you. got news for ya honey, it's not going to come to you. it's not going to get better until YOU decide it gets better. and ending it isn't going to change anything but change the lives of those you leave behind. you will not have to live with that pain, but they will. you want peace, you are going to destroy that for many if you make any choice other than making that call. the life you want is not going to happen overnight, nobody's ever did. it takes one step at a time. step 1, call that number. step 2, call your doctor. step 3, GO to your doctor. step 4, you create the rest.
dont you dare tell me or anyone else i make it sound so easy. it's not. life isn't easy. life fucking sucks sometimes. for a lot of people it sucks all the time. it sucks less when YOU decide it sucks less and DO something about it. and believe you me, there is no better way to have control over your life and get the peace that you are seeking than by making the choice to better your own life. choosing to end it to seek that peace is not taking control. it's giving up and passing the buck to let others deal with your pain. you aren't that person or you wouldn't be here.
baby steps. see it. plan it. DO IT.
For all of our differences, I fully agree with Chrissie on this! Some part of you inside you *DOESN'T* want to do this. You are reaching out here for a reason! Listen to them!
Death won't end depression, it spreads it around. You have MM and the readers of guyspeak on your side — we'll all be awaiting more contact from you. Please call one of those numbers even if you've done it before.
I don't know what to say. Please don't do it.
Have you gone to a Dr.? I know it sounds a bit cliche, but studies have shown that there are forms of depression that are directly related to chemical problems in the brain and that once on medication to rebalance, the person no longer feels depressed.
And SHAME on those people claiming it's a "phase". They're wrong. Depression is never a phase. Sadness can be, but lasting on going bad feelings are NOT a phase.
There are people out there that care, they just unfortunately are not the ones you've communicated with currently. Some of us even care and don't know you. Heed MM's advice. Any decision is better than the decision to give up completely.
I pray you find peace and joy.
Shalom
Please call.
I called. And for the moment, I feel a little better. But I'm afraid of what comes next. Because I know it's a temporary high. I know tomorrow, I'll wake up just as I did today, and that's scary.
I need help right now. More than I can ever say, I need help. I don't want to die. I just don't want to feel as I do now.
I don't want to lose myself, and not have a future. I really, really don't. I want to live. I want to grow up (only 20), and have a family. I really do want to live.
I just don't know how I can deal with everything I feel. The pressure is intense, because there is so much expected of me. I'm the good daughter. The one with the bright future, but things seem so very bleak. I've tried so very hard to be a good person. To help others. But I can't make myself better. It makes me feel helpless, because if I can't save myself, what chance do I have?
I just wish I had time to rest... I'm praying to a god I don't believe in anymore that something is going to change, and that I won't be so messed up. Please don't think that I haven't tried. That I want to die. I don't. I wanna live and be worth something.
I just don't know where to go from here.
big big big big big hug out to you. BIG one. and another!! call them again tomorrow. or later today if you have to. until then, call your doctor and make an appointment. just do it. you have absolutely no argument against it at this point. you would be surprised the change that medication can bring to your life. you may be one of those against it, but look at your alternative. it will take a few weeks to get into your system appropriately, but it will change your life. this i know. i have never taken anything like that, but i have worked in the wings of the hospital where women just like you are on "the watch". so, don't be that girl. be the success story. call the doctor. and call that hotline every day. for how long? not for a day, or a week, or a month, or whatever, you do it until. until you don't need to anymore. thats what it is there for. bless you.
Unfortunately, I have no doctor. I have no money, and no insurance. So I can't get help. I'm working on that now, but it's tough for a single, non-parent twenty something who can't seem to find a full time job with benefits to get anywhere. It's pretty infuriating.
but you DO have skills. enough to log onto the computer, and use the Internet, and ask for help from complete strangers. which means, you can find a way to make some money until you get a job with benefits. all you need is a few hundred dollars for one appointment and a prescription. ask your parents for the cash and you just never know what the end result will be. you need to be in tears telling them your life depends on it. if not, shovel sidewalks, put up flyers and run errands for people, dog walk, babysit, sing carols on the street for crying out loud until you have enough cash to get you help. and take a picture of your baby sister every step of the way and every time you leave the house. you need help. but you are not helpless. you can do this. i believe in you, now you just have to.
Nano Girl, you ARE worth something, no matter what, and I know that therapy is... horrifyingly expensive to say the least, but if you'd like I am more than able to be someone to lean on in any way I can. If you'd like to swap e-mail addresses, we can do that (mrrowrp_th@hotmail,com), chat online, or whatever you'd be comfy with! I don't know your entire story, but I have had too many dear friends decide they were done to see someone else go down that path, take some hope from all these commentors, we all want to help how we can.
My friend committed suicide just before christmas. I am so, so angry with her and I will never forgive her. If you can't think of yourself then think about others and what you so carelessly are throwing away will affect the people around you for the rest of their lives.
People don't just up and decide to end it. They feel as though there is nothing left, so why continue. Unless you did your damndest to save her, your forgiveness means little. Did you know she was depressed? Because there are almost always signs.
If you did nothing to help, your anger is completely unwarranted and self serving.
I'm sorry, but your statement angers me, because either you have NO clue how it is to feel like no one is there and be in that place in your mind, or you do, and you're just justifying your own feelings by redirecting your anger towards someone who is dead.
I'm not assuming you did or didn't help her, but you need to watch what you say.
Have you asked for help from family or friends? I mean that seriously because they probably know something is wrong with you but that they don't know how help you or ask to help you. These people love and care about you so much. Don't be selfish and think no one cares cause that's not you talking that's the disease/depression talking. That is why introverted is so mad at his/her friend. That she thought introverted didn't care enough or that no once cared enough about her life.
Look at the people who have commented on this post. MM even posted this on FB and asked people to help you. Complete strangers care about your life. Do you really think that your family and friends don't care either? You might not have high regard for your life, but their are so many others who do.
Also keep calling the Suicide Prevention hotlines. You say that it gives you a temporary high, hold on to that. Forget the next moment or the next day, right now hold on to that little bit of hope for as long as you can. If you gotta keep calling that's what you do. I'm battling depression too, thinking about the long term is too much to handle. So just focus on the moment that the people on the other end of the phone give you. When tomorrow comes, you will deal with it then. Just think about now. And please go get help, its the only way things can get better.
I've told people. I told my own father that I was suicidal. He told me it was a phase that I would get over. My own dad. My mom just expects me to be bigger. For people who care they have funny ways of showing it... And yes, I'm a little bit resentful about that fact.
You're so far caught up in your own head that you have no empathy and no consideration to acknowledge how your own actions might affect other people's lives. She was my friend, you don't think we all tried? What an idiotic thing to say. She didn't want it. Do you know how frustrating that is? Do you know what it is like to see your friend deteriorate to the point where you wondered if she was still the same person? If she was still "in there?" She became so introverted, so consumed by the idea of depression - it was all she could ever talk about. Her life revolved around her illness, she did not feel any need, or want, to step out of her own bubble. It was always about her. No-one else mattered to her, she wasn't there for anyone else. She was a shadow and only came to life when the subject of conversation was carefully guided back to her depression. Ironic. I do not have to watch what I say because she was my friend, I knew her for twenty years. She was selfish and she took the easy way out and she did a shi_tty thing to herself and to everyone who loved her. She copped out of life and I will never respect her decision. When that day comes when I see her again, i'll tell her to her face, like a good friend would. She left a bomb in her wake, we are literally picking up pieces.
You know nothing of me. The reason I'm still here now? There's a little girl whom I couldn't let find me that way. Who I can't leave alone in this world. But I'm breaking, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm here because of my little sister.
Don't tell me I haven't thought of others. But the people in my life haven't shown enough care to try and keep me here. She's young, and not at fault, so I won't do that to her. She's the only thing that saved me that night. Because of her existence, I'm here, fighting even though I feel like I've already lost. Don't tell me anything about thinking of others. I've thought of others consistantly for the last 10 years of my life. I've protected people at great cost to myself. But there comes a point when you don't have the strength for that anymore.
The only little spark of fight I've got left is a 11 year old girl, whom it is my god-given duty to protect from everything I can. I'm big sister, after all.
So don't act like you know me. Like you know even a little bit what I'm going through. Because you don't. It's not so cut and dry. This wasn't a choice I was making without regrets of my own.
I'm not acting like I know you, please, I'd rather not with that attitude. For someone who has a small child, you better buck up your ideas and do all you can to be there to see her grow up. I'm tired of explanations and excuses - help is everywhere, with your head in the sand, you're not going to find what you're looking for. ( generally speaking , before u jump at me for individually targeting u). Make your family listen, make your friends care. ASK FOR HELP and LISTEN.
You didn't read very well. Little sister. Not my child. The way things are now, I wouldn't dream of bringing a child into the world. But help isn't as abundant as you seem to think it is. If it was, I sure as hell wouldn't be dealing with this. I WANT help. I can't get it. I have no money. No job. I'm trying to rectify both of those situations. Have been trying. But none of that matters. You have your opinion of me so damned set, when you haven't a clue how hard I've fought this over the last 10 years. It's only these last two that I've had suicidal thoughts. I've been fighting, so don't belittle me.
And i won't sit here and mollycoddle you and feed you with my sympathy and understanding. Why don't you involve yourself in helping others - go to Africa, build houses, help in orphanages, visit the starving. SEE how people with real problems live, learn from their determination, witness their optimism. Gain a little perspective and you might treasure your own life more.
I never claimed other people didn't have real problems. But mine's a real problem too. I can't control the way I feel, because you know what, It's likely a chemical imbalance. I know I have good things. Good things that I've worked my ass off for, but good things none the less. That does not, however, change the fact that something is off mentally, and it causes me enough emotional and physical stress to push me towards a desperate solution.
You think I'm proud of where I am in life? You think I relish the fact that everything is much harder than it should be, and that my mental state spirals? It's not something I wear like a badge of honor. I don't want to be this way. But don't discredit my depression as not a real problem. Because every person who's ever dealt with this knows that it is.
So you're aware that your depression is a chemical imbalance. See your doctor and go on anti-depressants. See a counsellor if you want too. You won't feel so sad anymore, and you'll be able to sort your thoughts out and figure out what you really need to do to make life good again.
Depression doesn't last forever if you treat it. Suicide would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I can't stress this enough, that I have trying to see a therapist and get medicated. I have no money, and am currently trying to get reemployed. I have no means of getting medicated. I am TRYING. I really am. Stop telling me to go to a therapist and start telling me just how I can go about doing that when I can't find a job and have no money.
And what does the fact that other people have problems have anything to do with hers? Have you even met anyone who survived a famine? I have, and the most common sentiment that after you've gone 6 or 7 days without any food to eat at all, you just don't give a shit that anyone else is hungry. Even parents are highly tempted to take food from their own children By the tenth day, you might, say, just kill a mother of small children for her scrap of bread. Just because there are other people suffering don't make her problems any less real or serious! A drowning person doesn't have the luxury to worry about somebody on the otherside of the world who's starving. Me thinks you've only ever had a soft easy life...
To "Shock yourself back to reality:" Until you've been there, you don't know what it's like. Walk a mile in her shoes, and then tell her that she should care about starving children in Africa. When every day is black despair, crushing pain, gray numbness, with no escape, you can't see the way out. It takes all your willpower just to survive and get through the day. There is no energy left to think about other people's problems. Selfish? Yes. But if you'd been reading her posts properly, you'd see that Nano's hanging on for her sister and is having the world's worst time finding help. I'm going to put this as politely as I can: Stop taking out your anger about your friend's suicide on her. Either genuinely listen to her and say something helpful, or stay out of the conversation.
What is with the yee'ing, thee'ing and tha'ing from you MM? Is this your local dialect or are you just adding some flavour to it?
It is a cheap trick, yet highly effective. Shifting dialect forces the reader to concentrate. Actually pay attention to what is being said instead of skimming.
In this case I will use every dirty trick at my disposal.
you're a good man, charlie brown.
My mother killed herself in front of me. 13 years later, it still hurts. It is the most selfish thing she ever did, and one thing I learned from this experience is that absolutely NOTHING is worth taking your life for.
There is a bigger picture, and you just have to see it. Even the bad things in life don't last forever, and you really need to focus on that. You still have hope, I can tell. Just hold on to that hope, and I swear to you that things do get better.
My mother had problems, and I only wish that she sought out help, rather end her life. I highly encourage you to do that.
Seriously, contact me and we can talk. There are so many people routing for you and you need to realize that.
You only have one shot on this earth and you need to fight for it.
It is not as if I'm not trying or that I never did. I've sat here countless times digging through any resource I could find to get help. I can't stress this enough, that I've been trying, and still am. But it's so overwhelming when NOTHING goes in my favor. And I do mean nothing. I searched for psychiatrists in my area. Not a damned one of them sliding fees or any kind of help for people who are down on their luck. I've tried my school. Nothing there to help me. I've tried every avenue people have extended to me, but nothing comes of it. It's very crushing to know that I can't find a way out.
I don't think your father doesn't care. When I was 16, I was really depressed and I thought about suicide. I was an happy girl, always smiling and I had a good life. But something inside of me wasn't working. I wasn't happy and I was feeling so lonely. One day, I told my mother that I was depressed. She also told me that it was a phase, that I would get over it. Sometimes parents don't know how to handle those big statements. They are just really scared and they trey to convince themselves that nothing is wrong. I'm sure your dad cares a lot about you. Maybe he just doesn't want to open his eyes and see the reality. I'm also 20, and I can assure you that life IS beautiful. Stop focusing on big things. You will find happiness in the smallest things. Go on a trip. Do something unexpected. Don't stay there looking at your own death.
I haven't had such a good life. I still tried though. I smiled even when it hurt. I stepped up for others. I gave what I could to make others happy. I tried so hard to be good, even when I didn't feel good. But emotionally, mentally, and physically, I'm so very tired. I just want to rest. I just want it all to stop. I've tried so hard to hold it together because I don't want to be this person. I can't get people to understand that this is not what I want.
I would absolutely love to be able to really smile, and to feel happy again. I miss it.
You seem to have an excuse for everything any wonder your stuck? Shake yourself up woman. This isn't life you're living
You tell that to the therapists who won't see me because I can't afford a hundred dollars a trip.
You tell that the state health care system who won't extend a damned ounce of care unless I have a kid.
I've been TRYING. I spent the better part of my morning hunting therapists to get somewhere. I can't make them give me free help. I have little in the way of resources. I'm doing the goddamned best I can off of what I have, which is presently absolutely nothing.
NANO-
THIS IS A LINK TO FEDERALLY FUNDED HEALTH CENTERS.
NOT SURE WHERE YOU ARE, BUT THIS MAY HELP.
http://findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov/Search_HCC.aspx
I looked at the link. Thank you goodkarmagirl.
Sadly the only place I can get to on the list is one I've already tried to go through, and it got me nowhere because I live at home (going to college) so they are working off of my father's income.
I'm just gonna say this as an independent post because I'm tired of replying to the same damned comments all the goddamned time. I AM TRYING TO GET HELP. It's not as readily available as a lot of you seem to think it is. I've found one psychiatrist in this podunk town, and the want 70-100 dollars per visit which I do not have. I am not a minor, so the state doesn't have to help me. I don't have a child, so the state will not help me.
I am still searching for help, but it's really difficult with no transportation, no money, and no cooperation from any one. So if you'd like to run your mouth instead of giving HELPFUL suggestions, save it. I don't need to be told I need a shrink or medication. I get that. I need to be told where the hell I can get that without it costing tons of money or being 50 miles away from home, because my only mode of transportation is a bike or walking.
So, to those of you who offered support, thank you. But to those of you running your mouths about how I'm not doing enough, save it, because I'm doing everything within my power to change something.
Great fighting spirit there! I love it.
All I can say is, surround yourself with friends, family, whatever, until you can finagle a way to get the help you need. Looking at the fire in this comment, I truly believe you will find a way.
I have been the person telling someone I desperately wanted to change their mind all the same trite things you quoted as hearing from the helplines. I don't know if it helps or not, but they are all true. Just because you can't feel it at that moment doesn't change the fact.
Now THAT is better!
Look, depression is hard to deal with at the best of times. Anger helps. So does pride. So do obligations. You know that, I answered you on it New Years Day.
It still takes time, but IT DOES GET BETTER.
Now, does your college not have a clinic for students, or at least an advisor? That is a potential place of help.
Anger is always preferable to despair or hopelessness...
My college doesn't have anything like that. They have academic advisors but not much else. I looked into it as soon as a started this term.
PLEASE honey don't get angry with the people who have stopped everything in their day to do just that, try and help you. nobody is "running their mouths". MM placed a fairly urgent plea on the FB page and here and we all came running. for you! but there is only so much we can do. we can't give you what you need, we can only offer you suggestions. we don't know you, but some of us DO understand you. i have been on both sides of this fence, clinically i have worked with this, and personally i have said goodbye more times than i would like to count because of this, because those people didn't reach out, and didn't take the help and advice that was being given.
speak to the lady that MM is referring you to, and if you don't have the courage to bring this up with dad face to face, print this page up and show it to your dad. along with this page, write your dad a letter. i assure you, THAT kind of note will be much preferred over any other you would leave for him. i feel in my heart of hearts that your dad loves you, and does not want to say goodbye to you. if you can not speak to him directly, write him a letter, and print this page up and put it in an envelope and leave it somewhere he can see it. add a little post it on the top or something saying something like, "text me when you are free to talk about this". once he sees THIS, and your heart felt letter to him, he will respond. i don't know you, but i just know he will. and he will help you get the help you need. he does NOT want to come home one day to a horrible mess. and you don't want that either. there is no such thing as "I don't have the time or place to off myself". people that truly feel they have no choice do not think like that. you know you belong here, or you wouldn't still be here.
we are ALL rooting for you and we don't even know you, your dad will too! you can take my email too if you like, MM has already referred you to a professional so I will not help you in that way, but I will be happy to be a sounding board for you. but i see some very kind ladies have done the same, others that are in a similar boat as you and talking to them will help you too. please please please deal with this with dad today though, if he was truly awakened to what you are going through, he would not want you to wait another second to discuss this with him. i know you said he thinks this is a phase, but god only knows what he was going through himself at the time when you first discussed it. parents say thoughtless things sometimes because they have their own set of problems and responsibilities. but he loves you, and does not want to lose you to a disease that he can not see, but can be treated. i am a parent, so this i know too. please keep us posted and i will look forward to your question in two weeks. god bless. chrissie1101@gmail.com
There are a few who I was angry at, and actually I have a feeling it was just one person whom was attacking me because his friend ended it. So I will defend myself from that. Otherwise, I'm more grateful to MM and the others, as well as you, than you can understand.
i totally get that, you have a right to that defense. people project a huge range of stuff when it comes to topics of this nature. just remember there stuff is there stuff your stuff is your stuff, try not to let it get to you. focus on the positives whenever and wherever. what you focus on grows. we're rooting for you!
To be honest and fair, I think that person MEANS well, though his/her methods do call for more sensitivity, and I'm thinking you're right, he/she is taking their guilt out on you. Having known several people over the years who've committed suicide, I can understand their feelings (and in spite all of them feeling no one would care, in all of the suicides there were people who cared a lot, who were hurt a lot, who still hurt today though it happened decades ago). You're situation particularly touches me because two years ago, a friend I know only online, same age as you, a bright, young attractive woman, also killed herself. It didn't seem to matter we only knew each other online, probably never would have met (she lived way out there in Alberta Canada), had no romantic intentions or anything like that, but I still felt I lost a friend! Worse, though my gut told me something was amiss, five months before she committed suicide (her FB wall posts started becoming dark and disturbing and all too familiar), I didn't say anything, out of fear I might "offend her". Her suicide seemed to take all her offline friends, her family, and even her fiance by total surprise. It seemed she never reached out to anyone, and no one reached out to her (her pics, and even her videos seemed to portray a very happy young woman, laughing easily). I don't know if I would have made a difference, but the point is I didn't try and that's gonna bother me forever. Two years later, she is still missed, her fiance writes daily on her FB memorial page, he can't even bring himself to see another woman, that's how much she was loved and is still missed! I don't want to see the same thing happen to another person!
You've reached out, you availed yourself of all possible free resources, you tried to work through this on your own. I don't for one minute believe you have been making excuses or are not serious. If your parents didn't accept or take you seriously the first time, you need to drive it into them. Be dramatic, plead with them, do what it takes to get them to help you.
My friend, she also had a younger sister, who still cries almost everyday, her feelings flip between betrayal, guilt, and inadequacy, and sometimes even blame. Remember that, and let the thought that you WILL do the same to your sister keep you strong and fighting.
Sorry but your father doesn't seem to be stepping up. The problem with society is there's still a stupid stigma attached to mental disorders, especially to the family who too often shame the patients into silence and not seeking treatment. At one point, even admitting you might have a mental disorder would have been enough for someone to lose a security clearance. I'll bet if you told him you felt a strange lump in your breast, he would have marched with you to a clinic with his wallet opened. He's not taking your condition seriously or he is in denial, prefering to pretend you don't have a problem.
Parents do not stop being parents just because their kid is over 18. Especially if you aren't in a position pay for your own care.
My suggestion, this is drastic and childish I freely admit, is to have a freakout, in fullblown psycho mode episode in front of him while shouting why he won't listen to you, you're in trouble you need help, you can't pay for it, you can't qualify for free help, you're his little girl and you need help why the hell won't you do anything. It sounds desperate - and it is - but sometimes you just need to make a scene before you get someone's attention. Repeat if necessary. For fuck's sake, he's your dad, your his daughter, surely he must give a shit! He just needs to get it in his head, you need help and he needs to be a man and a dad! There ain't a damn thing I wouldn't do for my stepdaugter and SHE ISN'T MY CHILD!!!
yep. i said the same thing in not so many words. *sigh* the unfortunate thing is for people in this state they truly have convinced themselves there is no hope. it sounds like she is making excuses, but she's not. she's tired and truly believes there is no hope. none. anywhere. because she hasn't seen what hope actually looks like in a long time i am guessing. but i agree. desperate times call for desperate measures.
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Nano, i understand that you feel that you want to end your life but just remember your sister. She loves you and would not want to lose you. Think of her as your life and future. Life is never easy, everyone struggles and faces difficult times, but don't give up. If your family or friends are not helping, then look at your sister. She loves you, and just think of the many great things that are ahead for her and that you can do with her. I know everyone is telling you to find help and call but i know that its difficult. But when you are ready you can use those methods to find help. Whenever you feel to take your life just remember your sister, she is your strength and a very important person in your life.
maybe your final option is to sincerely pray to God and ask Him for help.maybe you've already done that but please dont give up yet,help is on the way. His help is free and the best you can get. I sincerely believe you have a great future ahead of you.
I can respect that you believe that, but I will say that I don't. I used to, but I haven't in a few years now.
i have been there. raised as a Christian, and then found myself in a dark place where i stopped believing in Him. for a long time too I might add, i felt the same way that you do that He just couldn't exist if I was going through the things that I was going through. but i am on the other side now, and use Him daily for strength for myself and others. and i truly believe once you get through this you will feel that too. i also truly believe that if He wanted you with Him, he would have found a way to take you Himself so that you wouldn't. if you don't believe in Him, I respect that too, but I hope you won't mind if I pray for you because you can't right now. I will. hang in there. you ARE stronger than you feel right now.
Grats on religion, but not everyone pulls strength from it, good or bad times...
thanks. exactly why i said i would pray FOR her.
Hi Nano Girl.
I've been very depressed for a while, and have considered suicide more or less every day for the last five months. Couldn't ride the subway without wanting to jump in front of it. I may not know how you feel exactly, but it's possible I have an idea? I don't know. I just wanted to tell you that having been on meds for a little while, I already feel almost normal again. I don't have a shrink - just a family doctor. Maybe it would be cheaper just to have to pay for that and the prescription? I'm not sure how your government does healthcare. It's at least a temporary solution.
I know you can't afford it right now, but please just hold out until you can. Because when you can, whenever that is, the rest of your life will be so worth it. I don't mean to sound like a jackass because I KNOW that's the hardest thing in the world to believe right now, but I wanted to reach out to you. I'm a girl your age as well. We have our whole life ahead of us. I'm sorry I can't offer any useful practical advice, I really wish I could help you. Please don't give up.
You did help. It helps knowing that other people get past this. It's a tough thing to make it through this feeling like you're alone in it.
Nano, there is a lady on our FB page, a trained professional, who is happy to talk to you. Drop me your email or FB contact (use the question box, so it stays private) and I'll put you in touch with her.
I just sent it.
Passed your details on to her.
Good luck, and get well.
Nano, I hope you find help! I'm bipolar; I spent a good 8 years+ depressed, and also nearly committed suicide at one point. Thank God I have a supportive family, supportive friends, and good mental health care. I have some idea of the pain you're living with, and I know how impossible it gets. Just keep thinking of your sister or whatever's keeping you going right now, keep calling the suicide hotlines if you need them, and just keep pushing, one day at a time. Hopefully the professional MM found can help you; therapy and meds can give you your life back. Honest, there is life post-depression, and you can find it. I'm so sorry that your friends and parents aren't stepping up to help you; I pray that something works out. Hugs and lots of love! Wish I could help you!
(Btw, I find that it's better to ask God to help you find ways to cope rather than asking Him to take away the pain. He seems to answer that prayer more.)
You're certainly not alone! This is an illness that affects many of us, but the very nature of it stops us seeking help. You may think you're useless but this post has convinced me to go and get help while I have it available to me instead of pretending it's normal to be living like I might as well not be every day, so look at you being all inspirational and stuff!
We'll both get through this whatever it takes right?
I hope that you have a million times easier of time with it than I am. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm routing for you.
I know how hard this is for you. I won't go into my own story, but please believe me when I say I know how hopeless it all feels.
Even though it's hard right now, I'm begging you to hold on a while longer. I won't say it will get better, because better is so subjective... but there will be moments worth living for. If there is an afterlife, I think you would regret not getting to know your little sister as an adult. Of helping her through life. Depression strikes the empathic and you seem to be no exception. Try, please, to think about what she would feel and how it would effect her and others who DO love you to have you suddenly taken from them.
This has been the only thing sometimes keeping me from suicide also. Life is worth living, even hard or miserable ones, if only for the future. You sound like you know what you need to do (medicine, employment, therapy) so good luck, love. I know you can do this.
Nano, I'm bipolar, and I was depressed for 7+ years. I too came close to suicide. I know how crushing the despair, the pain, the numbness can be. Keep holding on to thoughts of your sister, to whatever keeps you going, and just keep slogging on, one day at a time. Hopefully the professional MM found for you will be able to help, and things will get better. Meds and therapy can give you your life back. I promise you, there's life on the other side of depression. Sending you lots of love and hugs!
(Btw, if you're still inclined to pray, I find that God answers prayers to help cope with the pain more than He answers prayers to take the pain away.)
You are far from alone, no matter how it feels. I'm also 20, with a family who relies on me to be the sole bread winner, and have had depression and anxiety for 10+ years. I have tried to commit suicide a few times, thought about it countless of times, made that call too many times to count. I understand how sometimes they don't seem to help, I've had people who sounded bored and uninterested and talked in circles to the point I just hung up.
Recently I have been in crisis, after severe panic attacks and depression left me bedridden and forced me to quit my job due to non attendance. I tried so hard to go, but became dizzy and had severe vision issues any time my feet touched the floor. This is even on the severe dose of medication I am already on but have stopped working.
I have spent the past two weeks trying to get help from every doctor in town and even spent 13 hours in an ER psych ward only to be turned out on the street. I'm not even looking for more medication but peace of mind. It feels like the world is rejecting me, when even the last resort resources turn their backs on you.
I need to get better quick and find a new job in an impossible economy or we'll be homeless, because of lifelong depression and anxiety. The saddest part is now the anxiety and panic attacks are coming from the thought of being homeless, of being useless to my family.
So yes, I know fairly well where you are coming from and know how hard this time can be for you. I have made firm dates too many times, set too firm of plans to kill myself and something came up that prevented it. Most of my life has been lived that way, "just till the end of the school year," "just until this date then I will do it." And yes, it is somewhat calming and peaceful about it, the firm decision of taking control of your life even by means of ending it. It doesn't make you a bad person, or make it wrong. It simply the feeling of gaining control over your life one way or the other.
feel free to contact me if you ever need to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are going through, because they are going though it too. We are not alone. lindepeer91@gmail.com
I'm also 20, and have been depressed most of my life. I've attempted suicide a few times, thought about it countless of times. I am on severe medication that did nothing to prevent the most recent panic attack/severe depression that left me bedridden.
I know what you mean about how hard getting help can be, I have called every psychiatrist in town trying to get an appointment. I spent 13 hours in the ER psychiatric ward trying to get help, only to be turned out on the street. I have tried going through my mother's insurance and without insurance. Every clinic in town has kicked me out and told me to go another clinic, in a never ending loop. I tried calling the hotline, I got someone who sounded bored and uninterested and talked in circles to the point I hung up.
It hurts the most when even the emergency resources turn their back on you, because I'm not crazy enough to be locked away and don't have a child. I do have a family to support, and depression and anxiety have ruined my life (we are soon to be homeless because I was unable to keep my job or stay in school, and with a disabled husband who cant earn enough to support us).
And to actually answer your question, there is nothing wrong with feeling calm and peaceful when making plans to kill yourself. You are taking control over a situation that has been plaguing you, even if that control means ending your own life. I have spent most of my life in that state, just waiting for the chosen date or time or situation and it is the only way I have survived.
If you ever need to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are going through, please contact me. We are not alone, even in our darkest hours.
lindepeer91@gmail.com
I'm sitting here crying over this post because I've been down that road many, many times. I really hope the woman MM referred you to helps. I usually just lurk around and never comment, but I REALLY want to let you know that things do get better.
Since we're sharing, I grew up in a shitty household: very poor, bipolar mom who felt her relationships with other men were more important than her children, a sister on drugs who was emotionally abusive towards me, a mostly absent father. I always tried to ignore everything around me, reminding myself that someone out there had it a lot worse, pushing myself constantly to make something better for myself so I could get away from it all.
After battling depression and severe self-image disorders for a few years (and finding that I was allergic to every antidepressant they tried putting me on), I got into my dream college and moved away. However, instead of relief from finally being away from everything, I somehow went spiraling further into depression. It was almost impossible for me to leave my room because I felt so ugly. Yep, I almost got kicked out of school because I felt too ugly to go to class. As stupid as it sounds, combined with depression, I felt mutated and hideous. I was terrified to let anyone see me. I sank deeper and deeper, talking myself out of suicide on a daily basis.
I managed to hang on until my second year, always clinging to the hope of making something of myself, determined to be a world-changer when I graduated. That year, I finally gathered the courage to go to the school guidance office a couple of times, and I was diagnosed with OCD and body dysmorphic disorder. However, even though the counseling sessions were free, the medicine wasn't, and I couldn't afford it (I wasn't in contact with my father at the time, god knows my mom and her terrible money managing habits couldn't help, and my pride wouldn't allow me to ask anyone else).
So, every day, when I felt like giving up, or just laying down and sleeping forever, or just screaming at the top of my lungs and tearing everything around me apart, I told myself it was just in my head, over and over. I reminded myself that it would get better, that it wasn't hopeless, that I was in control and I wasn't about to let a chemical imbalance screw up everything I had fought so hard for. I forced myself out of my comfort zone, I made friends, I dated (ME! Who felt so ugly, I wanted to kill myself over it!), I got a better job, I left my apartment without standing and staring at my reflection for half an hour, I went to class, dammit! Best of all, I started smiling genuinely.
I won't lie to you. Of course that wasn't the end of my problems. You can't just positive think a mental illness away. For the past two years, it still comes and goes. I still occasionally get to the point where I consider killing myself. Just last week I was thinking about how tough finances are, and how, due to my sporadic bouts of depression, I'm about a year behind in my schooling. I resent myself for not living up to my potential and for consistently underachieving. I resent myself for having taken up a few of my mother's "budgeting techniques", thereby forcing myself to pick and choose amongst basic necessities to buy each paycheck. I resent myself for not being a perfect 10, physically speaking. I resent myself for going through the exact same runaround of resenting myself, and then promising myself to do better, and then failing again. Actually, last week was one of the lowest lows I've had in a very long time.
BUT! Despite all of this, I just keep repeating to myself that I am stronger than a chemical imbalance. I tell myself that I fought through 3 1/2 years of college, fully supporting myself (Tuition aside. Yay financial aid!), willing myself out of depression time and time again. Yes, I fought tooth and nail, sometimes just clinging on for dear life, and I'm not about to give that up, as wonderfully tempting as peace from all the stress is. See, peace may seem like such a wonderful alternative when you're down and just so damn exhausted with everything, but if you kill yourself, you also miss out on the wonderful things you may have experienced if you kept hanging on: the satisfaction of looking back and knowing that you get through it all; watching your little sister graduate, get married, have children; smiling like you mean it.
The world can be shit, however, the world is dynamic, and there are just as many wonderful things as there are horrible, though they may be hard to see. For instance, last year when I found out that there was a problem with my financial aid, and sizable chunk of my tuition wasn't paid. I couldn't register for classes with such a financial hold, and I was sure I'd get kicked out. I was seriously considering prostitution just so I could stay in school, or suicide if that didn't work, but a friend of mine lent me the money. I didn't ask for it. He didn't ask for anything in return except that I keep pursuing my dream and to wait to pay him back when I was really able to afford it. As horrible of a situation I felt like I was in, there was that little bit of wonderfulness in this world that my friend embodied.
You're not perfect, and you never will be, but you're something better; you're human. These expectations everyone around you has of you? They don't matter. They're simply their personal opinions about how you should go about your life, not a set of concrete rules of exactly the person you have to be. You do what makes you happy, be what you want to be, live how you want to live. If they don't like it, tough shit. It's not their life to live, it's yours. I know most people aspire to make their parents proud, but think of it this way; if you're happy and content with your life, how can they not be proud of you (and if they aren't, then they don't deserve for you to be worried about making them proud in the first place)?
I'm in my fourth of five years of college at my dream school, I have great friends, an amazing boyfriend, a job that I love, and big hopes for the future that I wouldn't have if I had killed myself my freshman year, and I'm definitely not giving them up without a fight, even if I have to fight myself. I may make (a lot of) mistakes, but I don't give up, and that's the important part. I know my method of self-therapy isn't the best, but it's kept me going through some pretty tough times, so please just keep fighting with me. My apologies for the novel, but I hope it helps, even just a little. Reading your story reminded me to keep fighting with everything I have, and I thank you for that. I want you to know that I will always remember this question, and will be cheering for you.
that's a really incredible story. so brave of you for sharing, you are amazing. i bet you help a lot of people with that. best of luck to you.
I hope this is not too late...
NANO GIRL, I came from a developing country where depression is still considered taboo and not medically (widely) recognized. I've been institutionalized diagnosed with severe psychosis, anxiety problems, clinical depression.
I got off the meds a year later. Then traveled here to the US. I was broken (in all aspects) when I got here, but didn't realized it until I went through another bout of depression. The homesickness didn't help, and I felt I was stripped off of the usual comforts I had back home. And like you, I reached out... Not to my family (because I already know how they would respond and know that even though they do love me, it is best to reach out to people who have actually gone through the same thing and have survived it.) So I do understand your case, in some levels, because depression in each person is different. We probably suffer the same symptoms, but the degree cannot be measured. There is no comparison, and there is no need to tell you you should try harder... Saying that doesn't really do anything but make you feel you're not trying your best, which we all know you are.
I went through cognitive behavioral therapy through my community college. Took a psychology class which solely targets dealing with stress. I'll try to outline some of the stuffs I learned there here and hopefully you can do at least 2 of them within the next week.
1) Write down your thoughts (no censoring) and get them out of your head. You don't need to reread it. The process is all about letting it out without harming yourself. If you feel the need to do it, send it to someone you trust (MM's friend in FB as he stated) or tear the paper to pieces or burn it.
2) Get in touch with your spirituality. This one is a big help to me, because this is where I learned how to meditate (to silence and/or let those detrimental thoughts pass). This is when I learned to BREATHE, to accept and heal the pains I went through then learned how to move on. I also grew up by honoring my spirituality: learned how to read tarot/angel cards, use crystals, reiki and energy healing. I did it for myself, and now I can proudly say I'm helping other people. Best of all, I met a lot of kindred souls who can listen to everything I say without judgment. And that, my dear friend, is important for anyone of us.
3) Join online support groups. There are tons out there. The beauty about this is that you can spill out the details of your battle against depression and not give your real name or location. I used to be a member of this site: http://www.depressiontribe.com -> I got out when I knew in my heart I have fully healed from the trauma of being institutionalized. There's also this site: http://www.dailystrength.org -> I'm there but in the LDR support group.
4) Keep talking. Keep reaching out. You might think it's not getting your anywhere, but it is. The fact that you are continuing the fight means you are winning. And that's what matters.
5) Get as much sunshine as you can. You don't need science to prove it. But trust me, it makes a hell of a difference when you can't get out of bed and then you see a glimmer of sun peeping through your window. I don't know how many times I've laid all day and all night without getting out of my room. In the end, the first thing I always do when I actually get out of bed is open the window blinds and soak up the sun.
6) Do something new. Depression is a lot about chemical imbalance, true. But it is also about rewiring your brain. Sometimes all it takes is for you to say "I'm okay" instead of "Here I go again"... So say that. Perhaps you haven't told that yourself in a looooong while now.
7) Breathe. I mentioned meditation. But I also know there is a danger to this if you have a fragile state of mind. Thoughts could come in, bad and useless thoughts. That is why there is a need for you to have someone to talk to. And that is why there is a need for you to breathe it all in then breathe it all out. It can be overwhelming. When those thoughts come in ("I'm too weak", "I'm giving up", "I want to kill myself"), STOP judging them. Just let them come and tell that stupid thought: "YOU WILL PASS. I WILL OVERCOME YOU. I AM STRONGER THAN YOU." Sounds new agey, but anything to get you off that low point at this point is welcome. And yes, it worked for me. It gets me through difficult nights and had me thanking the Universe I'm still alive the next morning.
8) Paint. It's therapeutic in ways even kids with special needs would tell you.
9) Dance. Even just in your living room, alone and naked if you want to.
10) Volunteer/Help/Reach Out. Only if you really want to. You can never really help if you are broken yourself, but it does help you take your mind off things even for a while. (Try animal shelters or the library if you don't want people interaction, then move on to clean up or recycling drives.) The point is to have you feeling productive and to keep you moving (endorphins galore!!!). Also, would remind you how strong and wonderful and beautiful you are and that you're needed in this world.
Remember, there is a reason you are going through this. After being institutionalized, I got into child development/psychology/history... Guess you could say I've used my experience in that place with the people I work with today. I was put there because I needed to be where I am today: helping kids with special needs, friends with illnesses and the usual daily problems, adults in rehab.
Your situation will teach you patience and compassion, and as it is doing now, it is teaching you how to harness your own strength and embrace your weaknesses. I know you cannot just "snap out of it", but try "breathing through it"... When the tears fall, let them fall and like I mentioned, instead of saying "Here I go again", tell yourself, "I'm okay."
Come back in two weeks, as MM said. Keep in touch with the GuySpeak pips. And if you need personal communication, I'm open to that too. Just let him know. Anything to help you, dear Nano Girl, is worth trying for all of us here.
P.S.
NEVER EVER let finances get in the way of your recovery...
I, too, dealt with financial problems. That was why I couldn't afford to go to a university here in the US but a community college. It was a 2 year course that took me 4 years to finish. But I finished (pursued whatever scholarship I could get and maximized the aid their psychological office offered for free). I received my diploma with high honors and with good friends I know I can depend on when I have another bout of depression. Remember, money can always be earned when you lose it, but your life can't be if you take it.
Tariana that was a wonderful uplifting story!!
Thanks, Mr. X - I could have gone to details, but I think I'll save it up for the autobiography I'm attempting to write. It'll be nice to put another voice for those who have gone through depression.
beautiful, Faye, just beautiful. sunshine is a good point, among your many many good points. harder to do this time of year, a few drops of liquid Vitamin D in the morning coffee or OJ will help as well.
Hey Chrissie!!! :) Nice to see you're still rockin' the forums. ~F
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