Pre wedding jitters, eh? Why you asking me when you should be asking him? But, since you asked:
Who says so? Everyone? Your friends? His friends? His co-workers? Random weirdos in the street? Worse still, your parents? Think about it rationally for a moment. Do any of the ones saying he is cold and cruel have any possible reason, no matter how ridiculous, to want to split you two up? Don't you ever watch rom-coms?
In my experience, when a guy is a genuinely cold, cruel and uncaring b*stard, he can't hide it for long. He doesn't see the need, and simply doesn't have the tools to fake it convincingly for long in a serious relationship. Compassion and love is hard to fake. Trust me on that, it is murderously difficult.
A guy who is exceptionally loving and caring, on the other hand, can easily and very convincingly fake callous disregard for others as needed. It is armor, to prevent him being over run and taken advantage of. All guys have it to some extent, it's just a guy thing, but guys who have been badly hurt before wear armor forged in the pits of pain and despair. Very strong and very hard to take off.
All guys are different, but there is a decent rule of thumb to guide you here. How long did it take you to get inside his armor? To get really serious. For him to get really serious about you. Not physically, but emotionally. To trust you. Weeks? Months? The longer, in general, the more likely that his coldness is the facade. You are on the inside of this relationship - you know him better than outsiders would.
I think you are safe in assuming you see the real him. Others see what he wants them to see. I will caution you though. If a person, of either sex, plays a role for long enough without a break, it will stick. You have given him that break. A safe place where he can just be himself. And a huge sign of his faith that you'll not hurt him.
Don't be surprised if he retreats into coldness when the two of you fight. You will fight, hard, no hold barred fighting, at times, and he will respond in the way that has always worked in the past.
So, think about what I said. If you need some clarification, I'll watch the comments here for a week or so. Not so much for you, but for him. Again - it's a guy thing.
No offense Mm, but I strongly disagree. There are many cases of people hiding their coldness from their "partner" until after the wedding. There is a lot of "ignorance" about this. Sometimes there are red flags, but often not easy to see when you are in love and want to believe the best. It's how a lot of emotional abuse can be born. Not saying this guy is that... But it's definitely a good idea to keep your eyes open if there are warning signs, at least until you are confident that it's not true.
No offense taken.
It does happen. Just a lot less often than folk think. Pretending love is hard. Pretending coldness is easy.
Before my parents got married my dad was charming and good to my mom. Now he's disrespectful and continuously verbally abuses her. People aren't necessarily hiding their personality. Some people are just nicer to people that they aren't as close to "yet". But once they are, they feel like they can do or say anything to them. Kind of like how you hold back screaming at your boss or your neighbor but scream at your mom or siblings. At work, your an hardworking angel, at home your the devil in disguise.
OMG RUN!!! My ex hid himself from me for over a year before showing his true self. "Everyone" told me that he was cold hearted, and a cheater. He lied to me. He told me just enough truth to believe that everyone was exagerating. He was so sweet to me and kind, and I was convinced he loved me more than anyone. Then, BOOM! He showed himself after a year! After I my heart, and friends were convinced he was really a nice guy. My friends were there for me saying, "But look how good he's been to you, do you want to throw that away?" He didn't show him self all at once though, only bits at a time, til it was all out in the open. People don't say things like that for no reason, or even still to "break you up".
Think about it this way: your friends and family truly love and care for you, they've had your whole life to prove it to you. They want what's best for you. When you are in love, you are blind, and your partner/bf/fiance can easily manipulate you (and has a reason to). I would trust your friends and family on this one, mostly because I was in this exact situation last year (2009).
Don't ignore the red flags. His kindness is the show - he's trying to win you, once the wedding is over, you will see his true, ugly self. And it will hurt. Run while you can. If you truly found a wonderful life partner, your friends and family would be overjoyed with you - NOT trying to break you up.
Not every asshole is a misogynist waiting to pop out after the vows have been said. My fiance is very confident, and self assured. That can rub a lot of people the wrong way. He also knows his stuff, so when he tells you something, he's usually right. This pisses them off even more. Top it off, he's visually intimidating due to his size. So the general label stuck on my fiance's head is "asshole".
But I've been with him for over 4 years now, and I've seen the parts of him that no one else sees. I see the side of him that doesn't know how to fix a car and admits it, that gets scared when he hears his father's in the ER, the guy that sometimes cries even. He's got a shiny plate of armor, but is all squishy on the inside too.
I think any guy who's in big plate armor needs someone to trust they can let their squishy show to.
And my friends and family accept him because they see that as unsociable and irritating as he can be, he loves me unconditionally. No one is perfect, he's just perfect for me! :D
He could be using you for something.. money? visa? security? If your closest friends or more importantly your family are telling you this then WHY would you ignore their concerns? Why would they have reason to make this up? If these are people you have trusted your whole life then why dismiss them now? Don't ignore it! Some times people see things we don't because our judgement can be swept up with the rest of us when it comes to romance. I'm not saying that you should jump ship, but you should definitley get to the bottom of this. Don't let yourself get isolated because of what these people are saying.. if they turn out to be right you might need them some day. Remember it takes alot of balls for someone to tell their friend or their sibling that the person they are about to marry is shady. Think about it.
I don't think he's faking! I'm thinking this debate is split about 60/40 but I'm just thinking that I wouldn't get engaged to a man unless there was some serious feelings behind it, and that could take at least a year or two to form. I would totally understand if some of my relatives thought he was cold, because I think a lot of my extended family is like this. I only know the sarcastic armor my uncle puts up, or the quiet guy my cousin acts like. But then I know my best friends who are a super shy blond (who is really loud, opinionated, nerdy and practically a genius) and a quiet respectful diligent brunette (who is really a sarcastic, perverted, lazy person)
I had a boyfriend who pulled out all the stops for me. Treated me well, was a perfect gentleman, almost to a fault. He believed in Honour and Justice and Being a Real Man (whatever that means). Of course, the chinks in the shining armour eventually began to show, but by then I has become attached and didn't want to seem ungrateful. Even he had friends, but often they would seemingly stop speaking to him. He had a tendency to feel conspired against, like everyone thought he was a monster when he was the one who valued loyalty, not them. Sometimes, someone would imply to me that he made them feel uncomfortable, and didn't think he was the one for me. My parents didn't like him, and eventually, my friends, and even our mutual friends kept their distance. Of course, everyone was wrong about him, and only I could see the truth. Right?
He turned out to be a sociopath. Actually. No compassion, no empathy, no remorse. A confessed murderer and serial rapist. No joke. Sure he cried and got scared when I or someone else close to him was in trouble- unless he was the cause, of course. But it was for sympathy for him, not on their behalf.
You must look at this guy objectively. You must. Keep your personal feelings out of it. if "everyone" is telling you he's a bad guy, they have their reasons, and they can't all be in on the conspiracy. Is he a bad person or only "misunderstood"? You must find out, but I wouldn't let blind trust or love guide you through this one. Get all Poirot on him, and do not marry him until you have all the answers and no excuses.
Good luck!
Please, please, PLEASE tell me that this guy is now locked up.