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Mystery Man

 
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Please help; I am in love with a married man. We worked together for 6 years and became great friends. I moved away from him thinking 'out of sight out of mind'. It has been 2 years and I still love him and think of him daily. I will not be with him while he is married, but how can I get him out of my head?

You want him totally out of your head? Sleep with him.

Before you go galloping off thinking I was actually being serious there, hold up a second.

We all want what we can't have.

That is part of simply being human, the part that salespeople use mercilessly to get us to buy useless crap. If the Tree of Knowlege had a sign on it saying "Take all you want," we'd still be in the Garden of Eden. (pick your own myth if that one is not to your liking)

You already know the answer. Time and distraction. That is the only thing that works. Sorry.

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10 Comments

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He's not as awesome as you think he is. He just isn't. He farts and poops and makes stupid comments about your favourite dress, but you've never experienced that because you've never met the real him.

You've built him up to be someone he just isn't. Trust me, the one who lives in your head is not the same as the actual guy. So focus on that. Find someone who you can really get to know, love and cherish, because not only are the doors closed on this one, but you've clearly spent way too much time thinking about how perfect it would all be if only... if only...

You need to know and understand that even if you were with him, by this point, after all these years of building him up to be something he's not, the reality of him would absolutely disappoint you.

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poor that guy, blocked in the bad frame

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No, it's just realistic. :) For example, I've had several relationships collapse because of my social anxieties. Men (and women) swoop in and want to save me from my weird, nervous habits. But when I get to know someone, they quickly find out I've got a strong mind and a filthy sense of humour, which often isn't the image of me that they wanted to have.

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It's been two years since you moved away and you are probably on the verge of beginning to forget him and a major part of you does not want to. Because thinking of him makes you happy. It's so rare that someone can make us feel so alive. But you will feel that way again with someone else if you let yourself. Hopefully not married!... I would stay away from any pictures if you want to move on... Good Luck!

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You need to understand that if he cared about you as much as you proclaim to care about him, he would be with you. And Mouse is 100% right - he's not who you've made him out to be in your mind. Stop wasting your time on him, and remember: actions speak louder than words. Maybe saying those words to yourself every day will help you move on to find someone who's as crazy about you as you are about him. You deserve that.

silkysly

I think we all have a guy in our head we can’t shake, I know I do. 6 years later, he still wanders in my thoughts every now & then. With that said, I don’t let it get in the way of my search for happily ever after. You can’t sit around thinking about him, it’s just that simple. When he enters your mind, think of a vacation you had with your friends or the good time you had at club last week. It’s just redirecting your thoughts. Reminiscing, but on a different path. It does work…

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I think you need to see his wife (not meet). I once had a infatuation with a engaged guy (engaged, married, gf whatever) and he with me too. Thing was, I saw his fiance and wow, I was blown away. She was so perfect for him in everyway, I couldnt imagine him with anyone else, even myself! I just knew that it was very wrong to take him away from that person, when she was what he needed and what seemed to fit him. I personally couldnt see myself with him and knew that even if I got with him, it would be short and full of problems. So I basically ignored him and he was so hurt, but several years looking back now. I felt so grateful and relieved really that I didnt do it, that I had let him be! Good luck girl. Time is your friend.

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I'm glad you did the right thing, but damn. I feel bad for his fiancee. He was "so hurt" that you stopped speaking to him, while he was engaged to her?? Sounds like you'd BOTH be better off without this two-timing douche.

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MM and the comments here are great but I just want to add one thing. I commend you for not acting on your feelings, even to the point of moving away is amazing. Remember, it is always hard to do the right thing.

Mystery Man

Oh - agree with you 100%. Doing the right thing is sometimes terribly hard. I should have made that clearer in my answer.
The OP has reason to be proud, though that is coldish comfort at the moment.

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