In another of those odd coincindences that keep on happening, this question came in at roughly the same time as it's counterpart.
"I work at a bankruptcy law firm, and I am very involved with the clients. You get an uncomfortably intimate look into these people's lives, and it can be heartbreaking! I've had clients commit suicide, and a mother tell me with tears in her eyes about her daughter getting molested. How do you keep a smile on your face?"
One reader wanting and needing to harden her heart, the other wanting and needing to know it isn't permanent. The answer for both of you is pretty much the same though.
Back off a little.
Empathy, love, kindness - all wonderful traits, so we are told and mostly believe. They can get out of hand fast if they are not balanced off with cynicism, experience and thought.
Harmonypaix (or Sofia, you are showing up as both) - you first as title question asker.
Stop sobbing, crying never fixed anything and it is not good for the keyboard.
I'm gonna guess this has happened a few times to you, for you to be this upset. You got a pattern of behavior here, where the only common factor is you.
You don't need to harden your heart. Using your brain for it's intended purpose works much better. You are named after the goddess of wisdom - try to live up to your name, eh?
Being kind and loving does not equal being some dude's doormat. Ever. Sure, you could build walls around your heart. It is tempting. As several people here can (and probably will) tell you it is also a damned stupid idea. Try applying some of your kindness to yourself. It is perfectly OK to demand equality and to hold a guy up to your standards. It is perfectly OK to put your needs first at times. Got it?
Now, for the second (anonymous) lady - you are in the business of helping people. Yeah, I know using the phrase "helping people" while talking about a law firm is incongruous, but that is what you do, right?
Your clients don't need your empathy. They need your ability. If I go bankrupt I don't want someone to cry with, I want a stone cold-hearted b*tch who knows the law forwards, backwards and sideways and can help me salvage as much as possible.
You will hear tales that will make you sad. They are not your job. Yes, they will affect you. You are a person too. Also an adult, who can handle this. You can't fix the world. Accept that.
And how do I personally put a smile back on my face? This always does the trick.
MM hit the nail on the head. What you need is a tougher skin, not a harder heart.
Since that's a bit abstract, here's a bit of practical advice that's worked for me. Make guys earn their time with you. Make them earn your body, your innermost thoughts, your heart. You'll weed out most guys early on this way. You may still get screwed over, but you'll greatly lower your chances.
See, I have a friend who doesn't do this. She's slept with at least 15 guys immediately--I'm talking no dinner or lunch or even coffee date here. That would be fine if all she wanted was random hook-ups, but problem is, she doesn't. She desperately wants a relationship, but all she ends up with are losers just looking for a quick score. I have no idea how similar her situation is to yours, but the point is, she's not getting screwed over by guys--she's screwing herself over by not using her common sense and learning from the past.
And on a final note, please never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, give up your kind and loving nature. I believe that most of the world's problems are because people got screwed over, and let it get to them. People turn instead to power, or random sex, or money to fill the void they're left with. It's almost happened to me a few times, in fact.
"Don't let the world bring you down; not everyone here is that fucked up and cold"--Incubus
AMeN sister.
Loving the video! Hoping it is on a loop and the mama cat was not going to infinity for her kitties. There did not seem to be an ending...
The poster here sounds a lot like my sister right now. Please don't harden your heart. Some of us are naturally giving people. That's how you love and how you expect to be loved back. Being kind, thoughtful and generous - anyone would be lucky to have you! You just need to find someone like you who deserves you. Be yourself and perhaps don't try so hard - go with your instincts, you know when someone likes, cares and gets you. There has to be a reciprocal give and take going on - he has to put some effort in getting to know you as you are with him. If it's not there, next.
I have a friend who gets screwed over by guys all the gime. I used to console her. But then I realized that she all she needed was a good slap in the face - figuratively speaking, of course.
She needed someone to tell her the cold, hard truth: start respecting yourself more and stop following the same self destructive pattern:"I like a guy, I get used by him because I'm weak/think I'm in love/'don't want to play games', I crush madly on him when he has already moved on to the next. I wonder what I did wrong."
I know this pattern by heart because I used to be like this, but I think that crushing on the same wrong guys only prove that you have a problem to solve with yourself, first.
The guys just see an opportunity and take it - as far as they're concerned, it's fair game. The person who always finds herself in a situation where they're brokenhearted should realize that they're the one with an issue. It starts with respect, and self reflection.
MM - I totally needed that answer today after crying over the same man for the same reason for the millionth time. And kittens on a slide? I'm bookmarking that in case the crying comes back!