There are a few signs that he's "fading out." Pulling back means maybe you see each other once or twice a week instead of five. Fading out is a far more dramatic change.
If he's fading out, you suddenly get fewer calls, emails, IM chats. He'll also start making excuses as to why he can't hang out. Suddenly he shows less interest in the things he liked doing with you before. Future plans are non-existent; in fact, he can't even make plans as far ahead as the weekend. You'll notice he suddenly becomes "busy" with everything except spending time with you.
Hopefully, a good guy won't pull the "fade out" and actually tell you that he wants to break-up. Also, pulling back typically shows a lack of commitment. Sure, he could be pulling back for any number of reasons (he recently got out of a relationship, things are getting too serious, etc.) but guys rarely scale things back with someone they have real feelings for. That's usually something we do with someone we're on the fence about. So while he might not be dumping you, "pulling back" can also be code for "this is moving too fast and I'm gradually phasing you out." So look for signs. And don't be afraid to ask him what's going on. Being in the dark sucks. If it feels like he's pulling away, get him to be honest about his feelings. You deserve to know if he just wants to take things slow or if he's slowly dumping you.
mmm. i dont know if the pulling back and the fade out are all that different. my experience has been that either case often has a lot to do with comittment issues. i once had a guy do the fade out, but when i called him on it we broke up with him citing the "different places in our lives" line. but then he started acting the opposite of the fade out as soon as we broke up, emailing, signing his notes with xs and os and stuff. this is a bit of a grey area i think, but you are right, the only person you need to worry about is you, especially if someone is treating you like that, it really isnt fair to you so just ask.
My GF thought her guy was doing a pull back, but what he was really doing was regrouping so he could ask her to marry him.
and all the guys here say guys aren't as confusing as we think they are LOL
I think the guy I'm dating is doing this to me right now, and I DID ask him about it, and asked him to be honest, gave him a free "get out now" with no hard feelings offer, and he kept at the "I'm really just really busy" line. I worry that I'm either a) being an idiot for ignoring the obvious "fade out" or b) overly damaged and untrusting to not be able to see that he's just, legitimately, busy.
I always come back to this line, in my head: "....but guys rarely scale things back with someone they have real feelings for. That's usually something we do with someone we're on the fence about." How much time should I waste on someone who's on the fence about me is the real issue, I guess.
I have had a lot of experience with the 'fade out/ pulling back' scenario. The one thing I learned, if a man is pulling back or fading out (for whatever reason)- let them. If you continue to ask and push the issue that usually only makes them pull back further. Giving people space, especially a man, is only going to make you more attractive and less needy. With that said, it's not a situation where you can't voice your opinion. You're not an idiot for wanting to make the relationship work. Giving him a 'get out of jail free card' however, is not taking a stand on WHAT YOU WANT. If he is really busy, but feels he will lose you over it, he will at least make an effort to explain it better or try to work it out where you are both happy. What you said to him about being honest, no hard feelings, blah blah, was basically you admitting that you think he wants out and even though you think that, you're unwilling to break it off. AND THAT DOES NOT SCREAM CONFIDENT WOMAN. So if you really believe he's on the fence, then I wouldn't give it anymore time. Don't you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you? And wasting more time with someone who's unsure, is only holding you back from meeting that person. I would tell your guy, "Hey, I've thought about it a lot, and I like you and think you're great (blah blah) but I'm looking for someone who knows how lucky they are to be with me." (or something to that nature that let's him know that you only give your time and love to someone who's earned it and deserves it, because that's what YOU deserve.) Hope that helps! Good luck. :)
Thanks for your thoughts, I agree completely. It's sometimes hard to look at things objectively when your feelings are involved, but I'm definitely now of the opinion to just back off and see what happens. I'm not really actively looking to date right now anyway, this guy just seemed too neat not to date. If it works it works, if not, I've got plenty of other things going on that need my attention! :-)
Right on! :)