That's a tough question, and one I can't completely answer. It's not my place to tell someone to end her marriage -- only you can make that decision. But I do have some questions for you. I don't expect answers, but they might give you food for thought.
Why is your marriage sexless? Is he denying you sex? Are you denying him sex? Or have the two of you mutually agreed not to get it on anymore? Since you ask the question, I'll assume that you want sex and he's not giving it to you, which leads me to my next question.
Have you discussed it with him? Does he even know you want sex? Yes, he should assume you do, but you know how that goes. Guys can be dense. Have you asked him for sex? Have you initiated it? If so, what happens when you do? Does he reject you, or does he try but can't finish? Let's say you've discussed it with him, and he tells you he's just not horny anymore, which takes me to the next question.
Can you think of any reasons why he might not be interested? Some to consider:
- Do you two fight often? Are there deeper, unresolved issues or resentments that hinder intimacy?
- Is he taking any medication that has a side effect of decreased sex drive? Many do, most notably anti-depressants, but also some drugs for diabetes, high blood pressure, anxiety and more.
- Is he depressed or has he recently gone through any stressful life changes, like losing his job or a death in the family?
- Is there a chance he's having an affair? Is he getting sex elsewhere?
- Are you both too busy? Do you make time for intimacy? Busy couples have to be proactive and carve out time for sex, as unromantic as it sounds.
Last question: have you considered marital counseling? If not, please do. Once upon a time you loved each other enough to get married, so I think you owe it to each other to try to work out your problems before calling it quits. Divorce seems like an easy solution, but there's nothing easy about it. It's a big step, and not one to be taken without exhausting all other avenues for reconciliation.
If it's any consolation, you are not alone. We get questions almost every day about this same issue. Newsweek has estimated that up to 20% of marriages are sexless. In a 2009 study, the New York Times found that 15% of married couples had not had sex in the last six months to a year. So the problem is not just yours.
Divorce should be a last resort. I encourage you to try to solve the problem before choosing to leave the marriage. People typically find divorce to be much harder than they imagined.
Good luck.
You covered all the bases here, Cary. Excellent response. I've not been through a divorce, but I know lots of people who have. From what I've seen it is a very painful and complicated process that can really wreak havoc on people's lives.
It affects not just the couple, but their children and families and friends, as well. A divorce affects the couple in every way imaginable; physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. It often creates anger, resentment, bitterness, and hatred that sticks around for years. I agree that it should be a last resort.
There are all sorts of things that affect a couple's sex life, and it is normal to go through dry spells once in a while (no pun intended). It's good to keep in mind that there are also lots of options and ways of improving your sex life that are worth exploring.
Or, like my ex, he's gay. In which case, may be better to move on. :)
I'm in a relationship like this except we aren't married. I'm 18 and interested in sex, just not with my boyfriend. Hes an amazing guy but i don't want to do anything sexual with him at all. Does anyone have any idea why I'm feeling this way?