What gives? I do. As in, I "gives" him a big fat FAIL on the boyfriend meter. Why? Because he's a f**kin' psycho, that's why.
Seriously... who says stuff like that? All couples fight, but even fights have rules. One of those rules is to avoid saying cruel things to your partner simply for the sake of being cruel. I know some people fight more energetically and brutally than others, and most of us have probably said things we regret later, but there's a line. That line is the difference between telling your partner, "Get the F out of my face!" and "I wish I'd never met you!" Big difference. One's a smack on the bottom, the other's a punch in the face. (I'm speaking figuratively, of course. Physical violence is a different subject entirely.)
The problem with saying horrible things to each other is that they are never forgotten. A year from now you won't even remember why you fought today, but you'll remember that your boyfriend said you weren't pretty or that you were lousy in bed. Words like that cut deep and leave scars that last for years. Words like that are abusive.
Your guy's malfunction is simple: he cannot control his temper. So he cools down and regrets it later and lavishes you with love -- good for him for having a conscience. But not good enough. Talk is cheap. If you are the love of his life, he wouldn't talk to you like a dog, even in anger.*
It's simply unacceptable, and you need to tell him so. He has to stop. Whether that means therapy or Rageaholics Anonymous meetings or joining a gym or whatever, there are plenty of things he can do to help get a grip on his temper. If he truly loves you, he will try them all until he finds something that works.
* I wouldn't even talk to a dog the way he talks to you. But then, I am rare and wonderful, much like a red diamond or a natural blonde.
What kind of a-hole says stuff like that? Oh, right, a verbally abusive prick. My ex was like that and the Ass is right, you'll never forget the sting of his words. Your partner is supposed to be your number one supporter. A relationship needs a strong foundation, and that ain't how to do it. And being verbally abusive isn't too far from being physically so. Trust.
By the way, 100% natural blonde. But then, like you, I'm a gem.
Right on Cary. This is not the kind of talk you tolerate. Because before you know it, years have gone by, and your self-esteem is eroded and you're damaged. Either he gets help or you LEAVE. There is no reason to put up with that!
my self esteem has been bad for awhile now, and actually, people at work such as my boss and others have commented that I lack confidence (and that won't take me where I want to go in the company...that whole talk), so this is starting to effect me outside our relationship, which I didn't think ppl could tell.
So true. If you'll "take" this kind of abuse, what will you put up with next? That's the way an escalating abuser works. Tell him to get help; or you get out now, honey. No one deserves that kind of treatment.
Cary is absolutely right. So is Samsmama.
I've been there, done that... and the t-shirt was a prize I never won, if you get my meaning. There is no reward for putting up with his crap.
I really like the way you put that...there's no prize for lasting through this.
And yes, I worry too if this verbal cruelty is only a sign of something worse to come?
It often is a sign of worse behaviors to come. The sad truth is, if you dont care enough to control your anger when youre angry, all the apologies in the world cant make up for it. People who act like that are already demonstrating that they dont care enough to change their ways, and waiting for them to do so is a good way to get killed or severely beaten.
This man is toxic. Get away from him.
It doesn't matter how old the guy is, there is no true relationship without respect. From the things he says to you, he obviously doesn't respect you at all.
I get in constant fights with my boyfriend, we fight every other day to be honest over stupid things, but not once as he ever said anything like that to me, no matter how harsh the argument got. It doesn't matter what the fight is about, there is nothing that you could have said or done to deserve to have him say things like that to you.
PSWBur has a point that this is how escalating abusers work. If you insist on staying with him, have him get help like Cary said, both for your mental and potentially your physical well being.
It doesn't matter how old the guy is, there is no true relationship without respect. From the things he says to you, he obviously doesn't respect you at all.
I get in constant fights with my boyfriend, we fight every other day to be honest over stupid things, but not once as he ever said anything like that to me, no matter how harsh the argument got. It doesn't matter what the fight is about, there is nothing that you could have said or done to deserve to have him say things like that to you.
PSWBur has a point that this is how escalating abusers work. If you insist on staying with him, have him get help like Cary said, both for your mental and potentially your physical well being.
Good advice, Cary. You can't control what people say to you but you don't have to stick around to keep listening to it, either.
Some people are broken and you can't fix them. This guy sounds like one of them.
I really do believe that I'm falling in love with you, you rare and wonderful natural blonde, red diamond.
;-)
Hope I can find a guy as rare and wonderful...:)
Too bad this one's taken!
Aww shucks. Thank you.
Great advice, Cary! Nobody should talk like that to anyone, especially not a person who probably outweighs his partner by 50lbs and more than likely is physically stronger. Physical abuse is the next step. Some guys don't realize that they could really hurt (or even kill) someone if they let themselves get out of control.
You deserve better treatment than that. EVERYONE deserves better treatment than that! I say let those "other" women that he keeps talking about have him. He's no prize. They'll be tossing him out on his rear too in very short order, I bet.
So if my current boyfriend handles his angers in pretty much the exact same manner, where he gets really mad and says mean, cruel things, that I forgive, but NEVER forget...things like: On Valentine's day, saying "You piss me off so much, I don't even know why I'm still with you." or saying I'm selfish, because I didn't pay for dinner, or saying things like "are you really that boneheaded?" or "just admit: you're a messy person who doesn't keep things clean?" (Even though we both clean the house every Sunday).
What's hard is that he's like 2 people...the nice guy I've loved and been with for the past 6 years, who will snap out of it and is generally remorseful, but he's having trouble getting that evil things he uses can't be taken back because we remember them forever. So we talked about it recently, and he said he wants to work on it, and work on himself to change that (only time will tell).
But is it too little too late? I'm 25 so it's kind of a changing point in my life, should I just get out now?
You are 25 still young enough to paly out in the dating game and find someone who knows how to handle tempers. Hurtful words to indeed last and honey this relationship will not be healthy in years to come, and will get worse. It will take time but sooner or later he will lash out in more than just words and hit you. It could end up getting worse yet if kids are added to the mix.
If he says he wants to change have him prove it to you. Help him pick an anger management course or mental health clinic if that's what it takes. It also sounds like he might be developing bipolar or some other mental health issues which is why I suggested a mental clinic. With people like that who have more than one personality it can get scary fast one minute they're very happy and content with dinner the next they could be throwing it at you and trying to hit you upside the head with the turkey platter.
I had a lady act very much like this when I worked in retail. A lady asked where carts were and was happier than pigs in mud when I told her the next minute she was crying and upset because I didn't know if we had the shirt she wanted. So get him help BEFORE it ends up like that or worse and don't do it for your sake alone do it for his too.
But also if he shows no signs of changing then cut the strings because you still have time to find someone who is charming and better to you than this guy is being right now. Make a choice and stick with it. But if this were me I'd be taking him to get help then get away to let him learn to help himself and if he DOES change maybe give him another chance if no change I'd go on dating other people.
*domestic violence training kicking in*
He won't change honey. You won't change him in anyway shape or form. These guys are manipulators and prey on the easily manipulated.
The abuse will not end. it will only get worse.
Get out now before they take you out on a stretcher.
My mom actually went through such verbal violence with her ex boyfriend. And because she was with that guy for about three years, hearing those things so often really got to her. The verbal violence eventually evolved into physical vioence and now she has a very low self-esteem. It traumatized her greatly. I'm not an expert and I really don't know much about these things, but please do yourself the favor and just cut him off. It's the best thing you can do for yourself. Even if you really do care about him, do it or you'll probably regret it later.
You've been given some really good advice here--hope it helps!
Just remember, if you settle for less than you deserve you'll get less than you settled for!
As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.
what does that mean?
It means "Dump the mother f*cker already". It's from Savage Love, a sex advice column in the Onion.
Wow.. Cary thinks I'm rare and wonderful. Yay! ;-)