First off, give yourself a high five. No, seriously, do it. I'm not kidding. I'll wait. So...Chris Brown, huh? I wouldn't want to be a mirror around that guy, amirite???
Did you do it? Good. You deserve it. Because you realize that your behavior is making you unhappy and you've taken the first step to change. Asking for help isn't easy. So many people go through life making choices without thinking. We've all done it. Pobody's Nerfect. Argh! You know what I mean. Anyway, don't let anyone judge you or make you feel bad. Your choices are your own, for better or worse, and you weren't hurting anyone except yourself.
Right away, I can pinpoint three possible problems:
1. You're unhappy - This has nothing to do with self-confidence. Something in your life is lacking, and you seek comfort in random hook-ups. It's easy, quick affection. So pin-point what is missing. Do you want a boyfriend? A better job? Respect from your family? Start seeking that. Focus on tackling the things that make you unhappy. While I'm not going to knock casual sex, it's not a positive force in your life right now to say the least.
2. You crave affection/attention/love - All normal things. Hooking up with a guy right away provides that. But it's a quick fix. They vanish, and you feel sad, so you find another guy. After a while, it becomes almost like an addiction.
3. You're bored - I don't mean bored in the sense of nothing is on TV and you've finished reading the latest Hunger Games book. I mean like a gnawing sense of boredom that permeates your mind and body. A feeling that translates into feeling directionless and unfulfilled. Again, it goes back to something missing in your life. Hooking up provides a distraction, but it leave you feeling worse. You need a good distraction. Is there something you've been wanting to do? A hobby or talent you've wanted to pursue? What about traveling? You need something else to focus on; something to distract you from guys for a while.
So how do you fix this? Plain and simple: You stop. It won't be easy, of course. But it will be worth it in the end. No, I don't mean you become a nun. Going cold turkey isn't going to help. But you need to dial it back. Start with your random friends with benefits or F-buddies. The next time one of them booty texts you, tell them you're busy. If they persist, let them know you're not doing that anymore. If they slut shame you, they're douches and were never worth your time. Avoid situations that will lead to random hook-ups. If that means you take time off from the bar/party scene, so be it. Or if that means you stop going home with that coworker who has a nice apartment and every season of Arrested Development on DVD but doesn't want to be your boyfriend, then so be it. Whatever is leading you to meaningless hook-ups, remove that from your life for a while.
Once you've started focusing on the things you really want (relationship, career, art, hobbies, etc.), something truly great will happen: You'll start to meet new people. Better people, more interesting people who will want to get to know you before hopping into bed. You'll start to realize the things you want in a relationship. Guys will begin to see you as more of a long-term prospect. They'll actually work for your affection for once. At the very least, you'll feel like you've accomplished something by taking a break from hooking up to focus on yourself. And if you like that feeling, you won't fall back into old patterns.
Good luck. Keep us updated. And remember-- it's useless to focus on the past. All that matters is what you're doing right now.
Did you do it? Good. You deserve it. Because you realize that your behavior is making you unhappy and you've taken the first step to change. Asking for help isn't easy. So many people go through life making choices without thinking. We've all done it. Pobody's Nerfect. Argh! You know what I mean. Anyway, don't let anyone judge you or make you feel bad. Your choices are your own, for better or worse, and you weren't hurting anyone except yourself.
Right away, I can pinpoint three possible problems:
1. You're unhappy - This has nothing to do with self-confidence. Something in your life is lacking, and you seek comfort in random hook-ups. It's easy, quick affection. So pin-point what is missing. Do you want a boyfriend? A better job? Respect from your family? Start seeking that. Focus on tackling the things that make you unhappy. While I'm not going to knock casual sex, it's not a positive force in your life right now to say the least.
2. You crave affection/attention/love - All normal things. Hooking up with a guy right away provides that. But it's a quick fix. They vanish, and you feel sad, so you find another guy. After a while, it becomes almost like an addiction.
3. You're bored - I don't mean bored in the sense of nothing is on TV and you've finished reading the latest Hunger Games book. I mean like a gnawing sense of boredom that permeates your mind and body. A feeling that translates into feeling directionless and unfulfilled. Again, it goes back to something missing in your life. Hooking up provides a distraction, but it leave you feeling worse. You need a good distraction. Is there something you've been wanting to do? A hobby or talent you've wanted to pursue? What about traveling? You need something else to focus on; something to distract you from guys for a while.
So how do you fix this? Plain and simple: You stop. It won't be easy, of course. But it will be worth it in the end. No, I don't mean you become a nun. Going cold turkey isn't going to help. But you need to dial it back. Start with your random friends with benefits or F-buddies. The next time one of them booty texts you, tell them you're busy. If they persist, let them know you're not doing that anymore. If they slut shame you, they're douches and were never worth your time. Avoid situations that will lead to random hook-ups. If that means you take time off from the bar/party scene, so be it. Or if that means you stop going home with that coworker who has a nice apartment and every season of Arrested Development on DVD but doesn't want to be your boyfriend, then so be it. Whatever is leading you to meaningless hook-ups, remove that from your life for a while.
Once you've started focusing on the things you really want (relationship, career, art, hobbies, etc.), something truly great will happen: You'll start to meet new people. Better people, more interesting people who will want to get to know you before hopping into bed. You'll start to realize the things you want in a relationship. Guys will begin to see you as more of a long-term prospect. They'll actually work for your affection for once. At the very least, you'll feel like you've accomplished something by taking a break from hooking up to focus on yourself. And if you like that feeling, you won't fall back into old patterns.
Good luck. Keep us updated. And remember-- it's useless to focus on the past. All that matters is what you're doing right now.
Nick, I'm not the person who asked this question but I am in a very similar situation, so this answer really applies to me as well. I want to thank you for answering this question with humor, sincerity, sensitivity, and most of all complete lack of judgment when most people would have really torn her down.
I wish I could say more about how amazing you are for what you wrote, and I just hope you can sense my huge appreciation toward you right now.
Thank you so much.
And to the girl who wrote this, you are not (at ALL) alone in this situation. Good luck.
I was there a couple of years ago. Without conciously doing it, I pretty much took the steps Nick laid out. Basically putting distance between me and the scene and people that I knew got that behavior going. That's not to say that I'm at 100%, but 90%... honestly.
My thoughts on why I acted like that? I'm going to get deep for a minute. When I was a kid I was molested and I really do believe that made me more sexually 'out there.' On top of that my father was out of the picture from a very young age. I believe that the two combined laid the foundation for my choices. My boundaries are different than friends of mine that don't have that in their past.
Fast forward to teens/young adulthood and I was very sexually active. It didn't phase me to jump in bed wtih a guy. To me, that was just a natural expression of attraction. Fast forward again to adulthood, past a marriage and divorce, a kid, and living the single life and the behavior was still in full effect. There's something about the chase and conquest of someone that is thrilling. That thrill was ok in the beginning and even carried me through for a while, but as I got closer to getting tired of what I was doing, it really wasn't worth it.
When I finally realized I had enough I decided to try monogamy, and I stress 'try' 'cause I really wasn't successful for a good while. But, every effort has a reward. I did things like delete #s from my cell phone, not return calls, stay away from clubs, concerts, gatherings that I knew would throw me back into old behavior. Between my relationship and actions, a lot has changed over the past couple of years and I'm truly pleased with the outcome. Again I want to stress that I'm not at 100%... I'm human, dammit. (That's me sticking up for myself) Anyway, the time off and being with one person has allowed me to see myself and my actions more clear. I'm sorting through the shit day by day and, again, I really like the outcome.
Good advice! And congrats.
Filty whore!