Oh snap, you've done it now. You've asked the question that forces me to reveal my patented (okay, patent pending) female seduction system. Before I do, however, I'm required by law to state that the Michael Swaim female seduction system is in no way derivative of Mystery's "The Game" system, and any similarities are entirely coincidental and unfortunate.

1. Study the art of self deprecation. No woman wants to date Eeyore, but the ability to charmingly play down your own accomplishments projects a sense of quiet confidence, class, and large penised-ness. The trick is to use humble, self-effacing humor to "minimize" your merits while simultaneously bringing them up. Phrases like "of course, I was honored just to be nominated" will come in handy.

2. Be a good listener. Interview your prospective mate. Asking her to elaborate on whatever she just said lets her know you're interested in her (or at least that you're pretending to be, which most women today are willing to settle for). The best part about this is that as soon as you've listened to enough of her story to formulate a question, you're free to tune out and think about dogs or sports or whatever until you notice she's stopped talking. Then BAM! Deploy your question and repeat.

3. Be stunningly handsome. I know, it doesn't seem like it would work, but it totally does. Just trust me on this one.

4. If you find that you stress out or tense up around the object of your affection, find ways to orchestrate your meetings such that there's a natural ice breaker in play. Go out with a group of friends, or to a movie, where all you have to do is look at a giant screen for two hours. That'll give you plenty of time to think about interesting things to say during the five minute walk back to your cars.

5. Drinking is also a plus; if you're too young to drink, a couple espressos and a snorted pixie stix or two and you'll be chattering like Theodore Chipmunk.

Follow these five steps, and...well, honestly, you'll probably end up in prison. But just follow the non-joke parts and you might be okay. Let me know how that works out.

They have internet in prison right?