It means you need to find a new boyfriend if marriage is your goal, because I don't think it will ever happen with this jeeter.
I'm all for not rushing into marriage. Too many people do, and statistics repeatedly prove that couples who date longer tend to stay married longer than couples who confuse raging hormones with true love and think they need to high-tail it on down to the Justice O' The Peace after the third date and make it o-fficial. I once worked with a guy who never dated a woman longer than six months before asking her to marry him, which is probably why he's been married -- and divorced -- five (count 'em!) times.
But ten years? That seems kinda ridonk to me. I don't know how old you are -- that makes a difference -- but ten years is a long time for anyone to wait. There's no set time that a couple has to date before getting hitched; the problem comes in when each of you has a different timetable. You seem like you might be willing to marry this guy next week, but do you know if he ever wants to get married at all?
My wife and I dated for three years before tying the knot, but we knew after a year that we would marry each other. That makes the waiting bearable. I can't imagine anyone wanting to devote ten years to a partner without knowing if marriage is even a possibility, and I think it's unfair of anyone to expect his partner to do so.
This is all moot, though, because I don't think your guy really wants to wait ten years to discuss marriage. Call me a cynic, but my gut says his "ten years" is a not-so-subtle way of saying "never." If you've already been dating four years and he can't even entertain the idea, I don't have high hopes.
I could be wrong, though. I don't know him or you. But I do worry about you putting all of your eggs in one basket. What happens if you wait ten years, only to have him opt out of marriage? That leaves you single again at age 30-something and facing a dive back into a dating pool that has more throw-backs and floaters than real catches. Not the end of the world, but probably not where you picture yourself in ten years, is it?
Is it crazy of me to suggest that you think about dating around while you wait for him to make up his mind? Not as a punishment to him, but for your own happiness and well-being? Call it hedging your bets. He won't like it, but a girl has to look after herself.
Of course you can wait for him, and he might very well marry you in ten years. You just have to decide if that's a risk you are willing to take. Love is always a risk, yes, but some gambles have higher stakes than others.
Great advice Cary, but what if you're older? I'm 39, and I would like a family. I haven't met the right man yet, and I'm not stressing out over it, but I don't have a huge window of opportunity to have my own children. I might miss that opportunity if I date someone for three years. I know I can adopt, and I'm not opposed to it, but I would also like to experience the joy of pregnancy and childbirth (I can only imagine how strange that must sound to all of you moms out there who have endured labor pains. I'm not a masochist, I swear!)
'That leaves you single again at age 30-something and facing a dive back into a dating pool that has more throw-backs and floaters than real catches.'
Ouch!
I think waiting a little while to get married is a good thing too. I think it is better to make sure you really know each other and really love each other and not rush into something you realize later was a mistake. However, a little while to me does not mean ten years. Ten years sounds more like a really long while not a little while.
My husband and I dated for four years and then were engaged for another year before we got married. We had discussed marriage after a year or year and a half of dating. We both wanted the same thing. We wanted to both be done with college and have our degrees before getting married. We thought that waiting would get us off to a better start. So far, we've been married 24 years and counting.
I agree it IS good to wait but holy heck you've been with the man 4 years already and he hasn't even given you the slightest hint of possible marrige in the future? That's just him saying he wants out but he knows you well enough to know that telling you to your face he doesn't want to be married or whatever will hurt you ALOT considering you guys had 4 years and most likely plenty of up and down time through life events that helped you guys make a stronger bond. It's possible he may not be the type who wants marrige. Again it's possible the idea scares him because he could look at statiscits and wonder if those could come true for you guys and that does scare some people.
I'd say talk with him and find out for all any of us know it could be a really small thing that just needs help. Then again it can be that he may want to live a guys life like Mr Hugh Hefiner (sorry if it's spelled wrong I can never seem to get it right lol) where he doesn't really settle down but has a lovely lady around.
My guy gave me a valentine's card that reinforces what he's done for me already. The card read: Anything is what I'd do for you. Everything is what you mean to me. and when you open it it sings a song about making people smile ^^ it was adorable and add in the facts he puts warranties for MY things under his number and wants to see me through school and such before kids tells me he does plan a future with me but we'll get to the marrige part once we finish school and all that other stuff that's good to do before kids. And I'm fine waiting because I know in the end we'll know eachother better and odds are good we'll both have some type of income so we can support kids one day. And the kicker is we've known eachother roughly 10 years but have only been dating 9 months and it's been the bet one so far. He's been the only one to PUSH me to do good for ME and also tries to help me get over fears and try new things.
What you need is a realationship where the guy cares enough to make sure important things are getting done/ falling into place before making a commitment for marrige. Last type of guy ANY person should marry is the one who will make you wait and wait and wait and wait for years before you know for sure it's heading into a good solid place. So honey do yourself a favor and find out where he thinks this is ACTUALLY going. And if in your heart you feel he's just telling you what you want to hear confront him further about it until he tells you. Sure it'll suck if he doesn't want marrige but better now than 10 more years to find out...
What about living together before marraige? Statistics have shown that people who have lived together before marraige will more likely be divorced. I strongly oppose habitating before marraige because I personally would never live with someone I will not marry. Then again, marraige is not the priority nowadays between some committed partners. (?) I dont understand a lot of womens' need to live with a guy at all! Especially within the first two damn years because ladies, men tend to cheat when they know they already have a lady waiting for them so he probably doesnt feel like he needs to commit to anything because HELLO, youre living with him, giving him the goodies without any formal commitments and stuff. Im just saying overall though, Im sure there are some good non-married couples living together. If you havent dated over 10 years though, I think living together is a stretch. oh, and girl leave him! If you want marraige in right now rather than 10 years from now.
Yeah, this guy doesn't want to get married to you. I think he's hoping you'll think he's a total douche and break up with him (that way he won't have to do it). If marriage is important to you, you'll have to tell him that you want to get married in a year or two (or whatever) or you're going to leave. If marriage isn't important to you, do what you think is right.
Sure, he may leave. If he does, let him. Cry about it with your girlfriends, pick yourself up, and move on. Someone who says he doesn't want to think about marriage for a decade obviously has issues.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years now, and I understand completely that we are no where ready to get married. Then again, we are 19....We are both not financially responsible yet and just getting invovled in our majors for our careers. Plus, when we marry, we will be cut off from our parents cause that shows we are adults, and neither of us can afford that. So it may be a completely different scenario. Now...he didn't say we should wait until a certain number of years, and he does talk about marriage and kids a good bit, so I have no concern with it. But if your situation is anything like mine...don't stress too much...but I would consider asking why ten years...? My boyfriend said by age 25 he wants to be married and already have a child..
well my parents went 7 years dating before they got married, and i think its good cause theyve been threw so much together and there still going on in fact there 18 anversary just passed though my dad cals it 18 years of insanity, i think those 7 years really made them. my mom never wanted to call him back when he gave her his number but a friend told her why not and thats how they got together, later on in my life my mom told me that during those 7 years she wanted to dump him sometimes but she stuck with him cause even when they were far from each other hed write all the time and when she was in need he was always there, so i dont think its that bad. My aunt, my moms twin, she married young and their marriage didnt last long and the guy ended up being an asshole and put her down and insecure all the time.
I agree with most people who have posted, lady. If it helps at all, my friend was with a guy for 8 years, and was hoping and praying for him to pop the question. He always had some kind of excuse. Then, she quit her job and he broke up with her and called her a loser. After all those years, she was the only one who did any cooking or cleaning around that house, was his personal slave, but apparently since she didn't give him the rest of her soul, he dumped her. I mean, how much more do you have to give?
Honestly, analyze the situation from every point of view, but I think the odds aren't in your favor. I personally want someone that's on the same level with me, and I've wasted enough time on douche bags that can't give me what I need. You shouldn't waste ANY of your life doing the same!
What a lovely day for a 1018301! SCK was here