A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Ay, we got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
That joke has been sitting in my head for years next to literally no other joke-jokes. I'm one of those people who can't remember a joke for the life of them. I know, I know, not the best credit to my "Funny Guy" arsenal, but whaddya going to do...
How about you guys -- first joke that pops into your brainbox? They can be saucy, but let's try to steer clear of the straight-up mean/racist/sexist.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station!
My favorite joke of all time ...... told to me by a student years ago - he was 4 and thought this was super funny - cracked himself up every time!
My BF helped me out with this one...direct the groans in his direction
"Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked."
Pirate walks into a bar. Bartender says "Did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says "Arrrrr. It' drivin' me nuts."
(^ Love that one, Lauren.)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
... Right where you left him.
Why did the bee get married?
To get his honey back!
(told to me by a 4 yr old who found it hilarious! haha)
also,
why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza?
because he didn't wait for it to be cool!
Hey guys, I'm learning how to cook. Help me out here. After you boil the vegetables, what do you do with all the wheelchairs and hospital beds?
Boil a live lobster, you are a chef. Boil a kitten, it is suddenly a big deal.
What would Jimmy Hendrix be doing if he was alive today?
Probably scratching at the lid of his coffin.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
To.
To who?
*said very condescendingly* I think you mean _to whom_.
I used to have a lot of snobby English major friends and I loved nailing them with this one.
A snail was mugged by two turtles and went to the police.
Cop: Can you describe your assailants?
Snail: Not really. It all happened so fast.
Why couldn't the young pirate go to the movies?
Cause it was rated Arrrr!!
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye-deer!
^Doesn't translate as well into writing, but it's my favorite. :)
why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead!
A little morbid, but freaking hilarious.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the monkey!
what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
...dam
cracks me up every time
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese!
My fave one, I get facepalmed everytime I say it :)
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's an obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.
A man was visiting a mental hospital when suddenly he became curious, so he asked one of the nurses, "How do you know when someone needs to be locked up?"
She replied, "Well, what we do is we fill a bathtub full of water. Then we give them a spoon, a teacup and a bucket and tell them to empty the bath."
The man nodded sagely and said, "I see. The sane person uses the bucket because it's biggest, right?"
"Actually, a sane person pulls the plug. Now, if you'll follow me we have an extra bed just here by the window..."
How do you sell a deaf guy a banana? [YELLING] DO YOU WANT TO BUY A BANANA?
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.