Since it sounds like you are a shallow, vapid, materialistic person, I would agree with you that you should probably not pursue or continue a relationship with this guy. Let him be available for other people who don't care about driver's license or jobs and who would appreciate a great guy with a good sense of humor.
My sense is that your desire to see him acquire these things is a slippery slope and pretty soon you will be demanding that he make more money, drive a fancier car and probably buy you stuff as well.
Spare this guy and move on to someone who will like you for your looks only, this way you will both get something out of your relationship.
Hmmm.. Not sure about the advice this time... Why does it sound like she is materialistic? That's a lot of derogatory names you called her.
I am NOT materialistic at all.. and I think it's good that she already knows that she wants a man with some ambition. Not ambition to take over the world, or to drive a fancy car (notice she didn't say he doesn't have a car, just that he doesn't have a driver's license) ... maybe she just wants to have someone with a Pinto and gets up everyday and goes to Taco Bell for work...
Someone is paying his way... He's 20 now.. shouldn't he be contributing??
I totally agree! I am a very future-planning type of person, I couldn't date someone who doesn't have a driver's liscense!!! (unless he was blind or something).
He's TWENTY! He's not forty-five. In this economy there are smart, funny, men of all ages out of work. I'm in my mid-twenties and not doing anything important (And I don't have a car; I take the bus).
I will have to say your advice this time was waaaaay too harsh!
Anyway... you can look at this kid two different ways... yes 20 is young and you really do not need to have all your ducks in a row to be a good boyfriend but at 20 it should be easier to get a job.... he could literally walk into anywhere ( grocery store, fast food, any place in the mall, or he could do what I am doing during college and work as a server/waiter!) Also no drivers license at all means he might have zero motivation.... you don't need a car to aspire to have a drivers license ... you just gotta go to the dmv one day out of your life and get it. At 20 years old you should at least be on the hunt for a job.... we arent talking about a college degree and a career... just a job to start to support himself and get the ball rolling to this thing called growing up! I am only 23 and I am going to say that at 20 if i was dating a guy with no license and no job I would not be a happier camper.... I would not expect him to support me in the least but at least aim to support himself!
Just because he is 20 and without a job or license doesn't mean he isn't motivated. I'm 21 and don't have a license and I'm currently looking for a job. It depends on the situation. Maybe he doesn't have any drive or maybe he does. You can't pass judgment on this guy, because the person who asked the question didn't give much to go on. All we know is that he's jobless and doesn't have a license. That's not very uncommon at 20. Maybe there are reasons he can't get a license and/or job. My answer to her question is this: If he's trying to do something with his life, then stick around. If not, then walk away.
MM, you are awesome.
It shouldn't matter at the age of twenty. If he is going to school full time and got some kickin scholarships, there might be little reason to have a job or car. I live in a college town where NO ONE has a car, and only about half even have a license to drive some hypothetical car. Some students have jobs, but they are limited here, so not everyone is so lucky and are forced to rely on loans/parental contributions.
I think the problem are young girls watching shows like sex and the city, and they start to believe the relationship issues that would be justified to those characters (dealing with men in their 30's and 40's) are now applying to that of a 20 year old. A girl this young (assuming she is near the same age as the guy she is thinking of kicking aside) should NOT be worrying about if this guy will be a good provider in the 10 years down the line they start their non-existent family; these years are for fun.
While the questioner is not necessarily vapid or materialistic, I think she might be a bit immature- assuming that a 20-year-old must have a driver's license and the idea that if he doesn't is a dealbreaker leads me to believe this. And who knows- maybe it was a conscious decision to decrease his carbon footprint.
Wow, harsh much? This is why no one likes MM. I don't think her thinking of him not having a car/job means she's a "shallow, vapid, materialistic person". She doesn't say she expects him to provide anything for her. How do you assume that? Maybe she works hard at school or a job all day and wants to have someone similar. And who says she wants someone for her looks? Sterotyping woman?
It really depends on what he's doing with his time. Is he doing volunteer work or an unpaid internship? Is he a full time student? Those might be good reasons to not have a job. If he's just sitting in his parents basement playing video games all day, with no plans for school/working, that would be a problem. But it doesn't say that. He could be doing anything, and to suggest that she's a bad person for wanting someone motivated is not good.
And yes, I'm currently a full time college student who doesn't have a car because I live in a very walkable city. I still have a valid drivers license though, from back when I drove in high school.
***** The first reply wasn't for you, I agree with you :-)
I agree with Alicia on this one. I mean, at least she's actually asking for advice about this. She wanted to know if she was being too hard on him or not. The comments answered this one, not MM. I'm 20 and most of the guys I know have some type of job unless they're athletes or something, and I live in LA so basically everyone has a driver's license. It probably does vary a lot based on location, but I think it potentially could say a lot about how motivated or lazy somebody is there are opportunities at least to work and they're not taking advantage. You'd definitely be able to tell those things from other personality traits or habits, like if he has bad grades or is always bumming off his parents or begging his friends for rides. On the other hand, he could totally be justified for his lifestyle.
Good job, MM. Keep it up.
To the asker: I'm twenty, and I don't have a drivers license. I just never had anyone around often enough to teach me everything. I take the bus and I walk. And you know what? It's healthier for the environment AND for me. I'll get my license when I'm damn well ready, and I can bet the same for this guy. Also, the economy is shit right now. I know plenty of people who were let go from their jobs, some of whom are in their 40s with kids.
I'd advise you to be more open. You're probably going to miss out on a great relationship, and plenty in the future, with those deal breakers.
we don't know why he doesn't have a job, though at 20, i'm not too inclined to worry about that, he very well could be a full time student, or maybe he's not qualified for the limited jobs available in his area, who knows. i know i'm 20 and jobless, and not for lack of trying. and if he's in a situation which through scholorships or parents he doesn't currently need to work and go to school that's fine. and you know he may not be in school, he may be unmotivated or whatever, he may be trying to find out what he wants to do with the rest of his life, and he has time to figure that out. i do feel she's being a bit harsh. and to all the people saying a lack of drivers licence could show a lack of ambition or motivation need to get off their high horses, if he doesn't have a job one might assume that he may not have the funds to pay for things like gas or a car payment, why should he go to the dmv, wait in line take a test and pay the ten bucks to drive a car he doesn' have. i have a state id for things that i need a photo id for, maybe he does too, and even if he doesn't people are puting way too much emphasis on something rather trivial. if her problem is that it's difficult to see one another because of lack of transportaion, i sympathise with that, but there are ways around that issue
WOW. Seriously, WHAT is your problem, MM? Bitter much?
Your answer was ridiculous, but unfortunately I do agree with just about everyone that these are not necessarily dealbreakers. I mean, he's 20, for heaven's sake! You (the question-asker) say that as if he were 40! I know PLENTY of 20-year-olds without jobs, and it's because they are all full-time students who could not find seasonal work, or are doing unpaid internships/bootcamps/whatever. Now, if he's not in school, then yes, he should have a job. But is he actively seeking one? If not, only THEN is it a dealbreaker.
I'm 21, a full-time student, and currently have no job. I lost the job I've had for the past 3 years and couldn't find a new one, and believe me, I looked everywhere. Does that make you better than me? (Spoiler: It doesn't.)
As for the driver's license, it does send up a red flag for me initially, but it really depends on the circumstances. If he has no car, can't afford one, and can get most of the places he needs to go by walking or using public transportation, then why bother? However, when you're 20, at least in my state, it takes maybe 30 minutes to get a license, with no driving school or behind-the-wheel necessary...so if you have a car to drive, there's no excuse. The only guy I know who has no license is a HUGE burden on EVERYONE because he constantly relies on me and my friends to drive him everywhere. My grandmother waited until she was 35 to get a license and I've heard so many stories about how she was such a burden on her husband and kids. But, again...it just depends. He's not necessarily being a burden on anyone.
Make all the excuses you want for this "boy" but it doesn't change the fact that at 20 years old...no matter where you live in the good 'ol US of A....one should have a license or at least know how to operate a vehicle.
There is a difference between not having a car and then just not having a license at all! I can understand if you don't have a car due to financial reasons (I've been there) or license is suspended for DUI and not having a job due to the economy but you should at least still be able to operate a vehicle in this century lol ( Even though the OP didn't state whether he knew how to drive or not). At 20 you should want to have a license even if you don't have a car just in case you may have to borrow someone else's car or it my be an emergency and you have to drive someone somewhere for help or your friend is drunk. Also, not having a car to take the driving test??...well guess what! They have driving schools that will let you use there car for a fee to take the test at DMV. It is not that complicated to get a license.
you're right about the driving school having cars you can take, but usually you have to take the class and they can be a bit expensive, and i can totally see a jobless person not being able to afford it. and it could be a concious decision, lots of people in cities with good public transportaton choose not to have a drivers license because they really don't need one. and if it's that serious of an emergency call 911, or drive without the license. and if you get pulled over say excuse me officer, but can you get this person to the hospital now, otherwise, it's not a serious enough emergency to worry about needing to use someone's car. but i mean seriously, hink about new york or london, he really and truly may not need one
Wow... and what all you people CONTINUE to forget about MM.. is that he's a sarcastic bastard. That's why he's nifty in my book. You're MEANT to take it with a grain of salt! For all you who actually think he's being serious, you need to take a step back ad BREATHE! Deep breaths.. in... out. You normal yet?
Got gawd. Get a sense of humor people
And this constitutes "advice" how, exactly?
Wait, I'm still confused- he says that she's a shallow, vapid, materialistic person who should not consider such things to be a dealbreaker. So if that's sarcasm, then... she's NOT a shallow, vapid, materialistic person, and therefore it SHOULD be a dealbreaker?
Either MM doesn't have a very clear grasp of how "sarcasm" is supposed to work, or you don't.
For such a shallow and materialistic person, she says nothing about the dude's appearance or bank account (he could be living off an inheritance, hence having no job)- she only meantioned his positive personality traits. But YOU sure jumped to judgements on her, didn't you, Mr. MM? What, did she hit a nerve or something?
Okay, questions: where does he live? If it's in a big city or somewhere with good transit, the driver's license gets pass. I live in such a city and know people in their 40's who have never acquired such a thing. These days, gas prices are astronomic, many people ride bikes, and there's nowhere to park downtown anyway. My aunt lived in Manhattan nearly her whole life, never got behind the wheel once.
Second: with no job, how exactly does he live? Is he between jobs, perpetually unemployed, or was I right with the inheritance thing? Does he live with his parents? Is he in college? If he's a student (and he might be, if he's only 20), then he might be saving, and will be gainfully employed after graduation. Cut him some slack- he's only 20, and there's a recession on.
But if he simply has no drive or need to distinguish himself or become independent (or is lazy), then that speaks to his character, and if it says something you don't like, you might want to think about walking away.