Barbaric? Seriously? They sound delightful. I can see why you want to marry into the family. Ugh.
You don't want a bad relationship with them, but you might not have a choice. Clearly they have made up their minds about you and your family, and no amount of sucking up or trying to impress them is likely to change that. They don't think you're good enough for their son, and they never will.
They're also control freaks. Their son is an adult--he doesn't need supervision. Are you underage or something? Is it a religious/moral issue?
The good news is that you don't need their approval--it would be nice, sure, but it's not mandatory. Still, you should know that this will be a struggle as long as you are with this guy, a struggle that will get a lot harder before it gets any easier. If he's close to his folks and his emotional makeup requires their approval, then things will be even harder, if not impossible. Disapproving parents have ruined many a relationship; disapproving and nutty parents like his have ruined even more.
I have a close friend who moved in with her boyfriend a couple of years after college. Her parents didn't like him, his parents didn't like her, but neither of them cared. They eventually married, had kids, and now each has a cordial relationship with the in-laws; I said cordial--not warm or even respectful, but also not as contentious as it once was. Tolerable is probably the best word to describe it. And it took years of work and constant battling even to get to tolerable. A good relationship? Never gonna happen.
My question to you is whether or not you are prepared for this kind of struggle. And is your fiance-to-be prepared? Make no mistake--your relationship with his parents will affect your relationship with him. It will come between you more often than you think, especially if you have children.
If you two truly love each other and want to be together no matter what, you can make it work, but it will be a challenge for years to come. You should think long and hard before you marry into a family that doesn't like or respect you or your family.
Thanks for the question.
I like that first tag--exactly right. Great response! Like it or not your in-laws are part of the package deal that comes with marrying someone.
"You should think long and hard before you marry into a family that doesn't like or respect you or your family." Yes, indeed. So true.
I'm the one who asked, and I just wanted to say thank you for that. I have a bad tendency to be optimistic when I should be realistic and I needed the reality check. The funny thing about the whole situation is that neither of us are underage, hell we're both devout Catholics who are saving ourselves for marriage.
Personally I don't get it myself. When we first started dating, they both genuinely liked me. It all changed when my boyfriend and I went to visit my family in Europe for the summer. My mom was originally going to go with us to see my grandmother, but she couldn't because of the cost of plane tickets during tourist season. Suddenly his parents were calling the trip a mini honeymoon (a honeymoon with my grandparents, aunts, uncles?) because my mom wasn't there to 'supervise' us and claiming my parents deceived them on purpose, hence the whole 'barbarians' bit. I don't get it at all.
I'm lucky because my boyfriend is fighting it tooth and nail handling it very maturely, and my parents are very supporting of us and welcome us all the time. He is as angry as I am, but told me time and time again that I'm worth all of it. I never forget how lucky I am.
The more we talk about our future and having a family, the more I realize how much it hurts him that unless things change, our kids are not going to know a set of their grandparents very well. I don't want much to do with them, but for my boyfriend's sake I would love to find a way to make things better. I guess I do have to accept that it will take a lot of time and will probably never be perfect.
Thank you so much Cary, you put a lot of things into perspective for me!
Glad to help. Thank you for the nice feedback.
All you can do is remain cordial. Go out of your way to find tactful responses if they get rude. It's hard, but take the high road for your future kid's sake. You can't let them get to you, because these types of people seem to enjoy the facade of feeling morally superior by shaming you. Arm yourself with a few, choice Bible verses...perhaps Matthew 7:5 which addresses "finger pointers" and advises them to concentrate on their own faults.