Courting someone who is married is no different than courting someone who is unattached. Just keep up whatever it is you are doing. The reason why he's telling your mutual friends that he would be with you if he could has a lot to do with the fact that you are sending him signals that you are interested, even if they are subtle. Guys are usually not as stupid as they look, they can tell when a girl "really, really" likes them.
He may be thinking that he's ready to move on from his wife. He may thinking that he would rather be with you. This happens. Sometimes marriages don't work out. Sometimes the wrong people are together, and it takes the right combination to make that apparent.
One thing you can do, however, is work yourself into a situation where the two of you are alone for a lengthy period. The best scenario would include drinks. If he is leaning towards a relationship with you, it will manifest itself here.
By the way, should things work out with you guys be prepared for the inevitable cries of "home wrecker!" Ignore this. Life is too short.
Just don't expect it to last...
Sooooooooooooo hoping this is written "tongue in cheek".
Married = out of the game.
Until the divorce papers are signed, do absolutely NOTHING with this guy.
Also, keep in mind that certain kinds of guys LOVE to have flings while NEVER leaving their wives. Another good reason to not do anything until he has the guts to end his marriage.
I agree.
I agree with wait @ least until he's seperated, cuz ususally these thngs turn out 2 be nothn but flings. I dnt think u have 2 wait until the dvorce is final but @ least know that he isn't still trying to have a relationship with his wife. It takes a year or more for a divorce to become final and I don't think you should wait that long to date. However you may not even want more than anything a sex and he may not either.
If his wife is anything like me, I'd cut both of em, so it might be best to set sights on available men. There are plenty.
If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. Don't be a covetous bitch, and go out of your way to steal this man from his WIFE.
However, if he divorced her and had ample time to move on, then its different. I would put space between you two, and if he had true feelings for you he would do what was necessary to move on from his marriage.
I agree with the previous comments...Please, have some integrity and wait.
BEFORE CONSIDERING TO EFF THE GUY, DO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS ALWAYS KARMA IN RELATIONSHIPS. AND KARMAS A BITCH. SO BEFORE YOU EFF THE GUY, KNOW THAT HE WILL EFF SOMEONE RIGHT AFTER YOU.
This person is so disgusting! To go out of your way to find a way to get a married man to cheat on his wife with you is immoral and wrong! He is married and you didn't mention anywhere that he is filing for divorce... Just remember Karma is a bitch and if you destroy this man's marriage it will come back to you. How would you feel if you were married and some whore was trying to break up your relationship?
Be a grown up and realize that they are married, not just gf/bf but promise thier lives together. How would you feel if you married someone and some little girl comes along and decides she wants him, and tries to break you up or pursue your husband. You may like him but you don't love him enough to ruin his life. Divorce does mess people even if it happens everyday.
Don't be a stupid child.
Why do some people think they're entitled to mess up marriages because they "really, really like" the married person in question? They're MARRIED.
If you and this guy get together, home wrecker, he will cheat on you. People who cheat on one person will cheat on another. Whore.
lol most of the comments here are mean, but pretty true.
ever seen "He's Just Not That Into You"? yeah...the scenario with the married couple and the other woman didn't turn out so well.... Well, it did for the wife because she left a lying bastard. In the end, don't do it, pls. You'll find a great, single guy in the future who will love you. Besides, I feel like married men just like flings for some excitement in their lives, but still love their wives deeply... Maybe this is where the line between love and lust is drawn?
I couldn't believe MM's answer on this one.... Maybe he was being sarcastic?
no he wasnt being sarcastic, she said she doesnt care so how can she make this happen, its his job to answer.
but i totally agree with everyone, you are a whore.
i HOPE one day you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and you would never think of cheating on and then he gets a wandering mind and cheats on you.. i hope. sorry, mean but oh well "i really dont care"
he is married, do you know how much it hurts someone when theyre significant other goes behind theyre back? it really seems like you dont but dont worry, go ahead and karma will teach you a little lesson
OMG... is everyone in here a paranoid, insecure wife?
First, if he responds positively to the flirtation, it is not her making "a married man cheat on his wife"... it is the guy wanting to cheat on his wife, instead. Ever heard of making men accountable for their actions instead of blaming someone else? How little feminist of you.
Second, if he is looking to cheat maybe something is going wrong in the marriage --and if the married woman behavior here is any clue, I totally understand the guy.
This will get a hundred negative reviews, alas, women do not like to hear the truth: It is not that men want to bang other women, they want to bang a nice, pretty woman who does not take for granted that, just because they are married an it is "forever", they do not have to be pretty, nice, or caring anymore. Meaning, he could still be banging the wife: it's not about banging somebody else, but banging someone different.
And, please, drop the "forever" to describe your marriage, it seriously sounds like life imprisonment.
The issue is the fact that he is spoken for. If he were single, this would be something entirely different. She should back off, until he decides to end things with his wife. That would at least have a smidgen of doing the right thing.
People in this day and age don't have idea of what marriage truly means. Its a vow to honor each other in good times and bad. And if you can't do it, that by all means get a divorce.
I don't think she's an out and out slut. I just think she needs to stay clear from a married man. Its human nature to be attracted to someone, but don't compromise yourself by trying to have at it with a married man.
So....because we respect what marriage is supposed to be, we're paranoid and insecure?
No. We just know the difference between right and wrong.
If he cheats, he and his mistress are both equally at fault. It's just as stupid to say that it's completely his fault as it is to say it's completely hers. But she shouldn't be flirting with him, period. She needs to distance herself from him.
In my experience, it's typically girls who cheat due to relationship dissatisfaction and guys who cheat just to boost their ego. And marriage problems are NOT an excuse! Seriously....wtf!?
And the POINT of marriage is the "forever" part. Why do I even have to explain this?
I totally agree with you Mary.....
then you must be a slut
Nothing about marriage, or relationships in general, is black and white.
There are always shades of gray. Mystery Man was absolutely right... sometime marriages just don't work out regardless of any outside factor... and THAT, dear ladies, is reality.
Watch your step, but go for the gusto... especially if you believe this man may be for you and you're not just looking to bang. Life IS short... grab for any chance of happiness you can.
"..grab for any chance of happiness you can."
Yes, of course, no matter how many people's lives you have to ruin to get there! Because God knows that this man MUST be your only shot at happiness. You will never be fulfilled in any other way, and you need a man to complete you. Also, there are no available men out there who could also make you happy. Life's too short to care about others - it's all about you you you!!!
No one said anything like that... I'm just saying the notion that just because he's married the marriage is good and working and happy is ridiculous. Like marriage in and of itself is roses and rainbows... it's not. It's hard and takes work and sometime still doesn't last even after all the effort and the best intentions.
I've been married before and it was what it was ...happy at times, bad at times, but not what I wanted at the end of the day. I had sense enough to let my husband go in the hopes that we would both find the greatest happiness we could... nothing is more unselfish than that. Cutting off your arms and legs in the name of "working it out" is just plain dumb. At the end of the day there are alot of couples hanging on to their spouses knowing everyone is unhappy just so they can say they're married or cause they don't want to start all over again. How many lives are ruined like that?
People need to get honest with themselves and with their loved ones... then maybe grown mature adults can have reality based conversations on this subject.
I hear what your saying. I agree marriage is hard..But she has no right to "go for the gusto" with a married man (no matter how miserable his marriage is) I think the majority of responders would agree that if he was divorced it would be ok.. But its not, and neither is waiting around for him to leave his wife.
I would hope, as a woman she has enough self esteem to go get her own, instead of grouping onto someone else's husband...
It's not stated anywhere in the question that the marriage is unhappy. He said that if he could (most likely implying "if he was single"), he would have her. But he's not single.
Yes, marriages can turn sour from the inside, but that's the only way it should ever be. Cheating is low, cowardly and disgusting, and this woman says she doesn't care? Perfect example of a home wrecking whore.
MM is silly and that was horrible advice.
I'm really not sure which is worse: the question or the answer.
I hate, and I mean HATE homewreckers. Do you have any idea how big of a deal it is that you're intentionally trying to wreck someone's marriage? If you succeed (and I hope you don't), I hope karma kicks your butt one day and you can see how destroying it is when someone you care for goes behind your back like that.
And MM, shame on you for implying that it's all right.
I'm so disappointed in this answer. I think Mystery Man really dropped the ball on this one. Here's why.
There is nothing OK about chasing a married man. If the marriage he is in doesn't work out, then he's free game. But to actively chase (and set up) a situation in which he will fall and cheat on his wife (good relationship or not) is in-excusable.
The woman who asked the question needs to consider one thing: If he will cheat with you, he will cheat ON you. Once you become his significant other will you ever really trust him? I sure wouldn't. He'll cheat on his wife; he'll cheat on you.
You let me down, Mystery Man...
Is MM really suggesting to ignore the fact that he's MARRIED? It's one thing if you met, he's married, later if (if is the key word) he gets divorced, then you two hang out. It's an entirely different thing to hook up with him, expecting he'll get a divorce.
The others are right. If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.
Okay no self respecting woman should set her sites on something that belongs to someone else. But it's not just your fault he is triffling for even looking yiur way in the first! get it together find a single guy it's a good look!
if he cheats on his wife, then what makes u think he won't cheat on you?
consider married guys like ken dolls... they can be pretty but nothing can happen. don't even think of betraying another woman!
Once I had the BIGGEST crush on this guy, but when I was ready to make my move I found out he was married. Call me a goody-goody, but once I knew that I totally BACKED OFF. Sure, sometimes I would hide behind displays to ogle his ass, but nothing else happened. Even though the rumors said that his wife was really awful to him, that is the woman he chose to marry, and I had no right to interfere.
He very well could leave his wife one day, and he may not. Life may be short, but living with class never goes out of style.
One more cliche: You can't help how you feel, but you choose how you act on those feelings.
In situations like this here's what I do: If they are married or have a bf/gf I autofriend zone them! It's not hard to keep a happy deal going on with people as JUST friends. Sure we've all been there done that saw the cute guy/gal and wanted to date them but it's wrong to persue when they are trying to make a life with someone else.
If you both TRULY care to be together you can wait until it's the right time meaning when both of you are single! You are single therefore can go persue 50 other single guys if you wanted. He's married meaning he's off the market to be with in a romantic manner. I've had guy friends who have thought about gettin with me when they had gf's but they didn't act on it because they had respect enough not only for me but for what they have/had for their lady.
Seriously it's true if they think they can get away with cheating on a current partner what's to stop them from trying it when they are 'fully' yours? Sorry but men who have NO respect for their friends or wife/lady aren't people I'd even want as friends. If they don't have guts to work out issues (which I'm assuming in this guys married life there aren't any UNTIL you dumb slutty bitch wanted to persue him) then move on they are the guy I see myself with even as friends.
Also imagine you picture yourself having the kids the house the pets and everything with ONE person and you get married. All a happy fuzzy dream right? Well inject a lil whore like yourself into your 'dream' and see if it doesn't shatter! Sure relationships aren't easy in general but working out the issues tends to make marriages stronger over time, some may fail. In the end I'd rather walk away from a marriage knowing that even though we tried it didn't work VS a slut ruining it just because she wanted to play with my husband.
Plus there's also a well known fact that if he cheats on her he may confess it to her and they work it out and you went to ALL the work to do what with him? Get his rocks off? Yay whoo just exactly what we all want right? To be the side lady who helped a dude get his rocks off but he stayed with his wife anyways and now we're being served a restraining order and threats! Oh not to mention odds are others will know what happened once your merry band of friends breaks apart and then you get the stigma of a homewrecker and slut.
So do yourself a favor and strive to be number 1 and only with a UNATTACHED man. If you want the married guy fine but seriously wait until he has a finalized divorce. Karma is truly a bitch and it comes around and returns the favors you do tenfold. It may not happen right away but I promise you sooner or later life for you WILL be hell if you try pulling this guy away from his wife and any kids they may have.
PS Oh I'm sorry for calling you a whore. Whores get paid sluts don't they give it away for free.
I'm not normally like this but jebus effing crist grow up and learn that taking married men isn't a smart choice ever. And girls like you who want to take away someone elses love because you don't have one is not only petty but makes you an enemy to all women with respect for themselves and their lives so you'll see lots of names due to that.
Yeah Meepa! What she said!
Wow I see alot of people jumping on her, but what about HIM!! He's the married one and should grow up and act it, or end his marriage first! It takes two to tango! And what if he's unhappy in his marriage? That's why he would consider to cheat? But what If he finds true happiness and knows he found the one? Just cuz he would cheat currently doesn't mean he would always cheat? There's plenty of factors and all different kinds of situations, who are we to judge? It's not our life! Let them be... Even if it is wrong...we don't have all the facts... And I know we have all done something we weren't supose to do? We all make mistakes...
Hey ladies, don't turn this into a cat fight..take it easy everyone.
Wow. Where do any of you get off calling other commenters "whores" and "sluts?" Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if you disagree you can at least do so respectfully and without all this nasty name-calling. Don't you realize how bad that makes YOU look?
Regardless of how strongly you feel about infidelity or any other hot-button issue: Grow up. Get a vocabulary. Don't judge people so harshly. Respect each other.
Sheesh.
PS) FWIW, I don't think the question-asker should pursue a married man at all, but I still see no need to hurl insults at her or anyone else who chooses to live their life differently than I do.
Its not a lifestyle choice that these women are making a judgment on- something that doesnt effect them. Its a cruel and catty action that the woman is doing in pursuing and who knows what man she's trying to take right now. I feel like those who are doing selfish hurtful things are the first to try to say "dont judge me". Its defensive and its a pitiful attempt to put hte blame back on the victim.
Its horrible that this woman should try to steal a man out of his marriage. However, if he is tempted and does cheat with her then it would be an inevitable thing that he would cheat with someone.
This woman is trashy but theres no need to hurl hateful words that demean women.... karma will get her nad I'm sure shes an unhappy person inside.
It's borderline ridiculous to say that the commenter's are being "judgmental" in this situation. The question-asker filled in most of the important blanks and I think the commenter's conclusions are spot-on, as meanly as they're worded.
Rach is spot-on: people who go around doing things they know are wrong are the first to try to throw the blame on someone else by calling them "judgmental". That is SUCH a cop-out! We are not judgmental. We just know the difference between right and wrong, as I said in another comment. You can't tell us not to judge someone in a situation where there is no excuse to be doing what they're doing.
A lack of willingness to discern what's right and wrong is one of the worst forms of weakness and leads to chaos.
I think it's ridiculous to call people you don't even know sluts & whores, so I guess we're even. Then again, this is the internet and people say things here that they wouldn't dream of saying IRL, where we have decorum and manners.
If you'll notice, I wasn't defending the question-asker nor do I agree with her decision to pursue a married man. I merely called into question the vicious name-calling taking place in this discussion.
it speaks like a whore, it acts like a whore..its probably a whore. I'd tell anyone, to their face what I thought of a question like the one that was asked. Plain and simple, shes a slut with no game of her own, so she's gotta mack on a married man .
Wow....I never called anyone a slut or whore. Your argument has no basis whatsoever.
aww thanks! I think some people confuse "being judgmental" with "using judgment". One is being overly critical of someone's flaws/attributes, and the other is using rationality. Knowing whats right and wrong is rational, and those who dont make decisions with morality in mind tend to impugn those who do instead of take a step back and look at what they are doing.
I think its fair to discern form the question asker's words that she lacks class, sincerity, and a general regard for relationships (esp marriage). I wouldnt pursue a guy who was in a realtionship, let alone married. Do I think she's a slut? To me a slut is someone so desperate for a man's attention who sellls her dignity to get it. Therefore, I would say that I'm 99% sure that she is one. Since I haven't met her I'll refrain. However, it CERTAINLY is a slutty, classless BEHAVIOR. Is she officially a slut? Probably but the jurys out for me since I havent met her.... but I do predict a lot of sluttiness LOL.
Rach, thanks for maintaining your sense of humor and for getting what was my only point - to me it's not so much about being judgmental as it is about throwing around words that demean women as a whole.
I've been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years now, so if people want to say that I'm offended by the name-calling because I'm somehow a slut myself, then they're barking up the wrong tree. Just another example of people assuming they know something about me or anyone else because they see my name (and clearly awesome profile pic, lol) on a website.
Again, I shouldn't have said anything. Everyone was already lighting their torches and me telling them to act civilly was just fuel for the fire. Thankfully I have a life outside of Guyspeak so I won't have to lose sleep over some anonymous chick telling me to shut up!
unless ur in love, and i mean really really in love, don't go for it at all. and remember, sometimes a man is MUCH more attractive because he is taken! so take this into consideration. u should seriously talk to him. don't get played and try and put yourself in his wife's shoes..../: if it wasnt love at first sight then i would just find another guy
Mrs. Man is married to Mr. Man.
Little Miss comes into the picture.
Mr. Man cheats on his wife with Little Miss.
Way too many of you girls are vehemently angry at the mistress.
By saying that it's Little Miss's fault, you're also saying that men are all immature children who are incapable of knowing right from wrong on their own.
Newsflash: they are. Their excuses, lies, and deceit are on their shoulders alone.
Mr. Man's fidelity is his responsibility, and his alone.
i think MM was not in the wrong here entirely. this female asked for advice on how to make something happen with the married man, and from the sound of her question, i know i understood it to be sexual. MM is just doing his best to try and answer her question without passing judgment. that being said, he probably could have thrown in some judgmental comments so that this person will think about her actions. i do think it is wrong to call her a slut and a whore, she has not, yet, done anything to deserve that title (if the act is committed, by all means, whatever you want to call her)
and i don't get the impression that most of the commenters are women who are insecure in their relationships, i think it is more that they have a different set of morals and it bothers them that someone would go against such morals.
so all that being said, sweetie, hold off. just wait. if indeed his marriage is in trouble, it will end without your help. and you do not want to get in the middle of that kind of drama, it tends to kill love. there is no real harm in waiting at the very least a few months. it sucks to wait, but if you really do care for him, then waiting to see if those feelings persist is the smart, responsible, and mature thing to do. if you still feel the same, talk to him. don't get him drunk and start something with him, because when he sobers up he will either resent you for ruining his marriage or continue to use you for sex, and while that is sometimes fun for a little while, it never lasts and you will end up resenting him for treating you like an object. and be prepared for him to say no to you. while his comment sounds encouraging, i've overheard my husband make similar comments to his "boys" about beautiful women they encounter, and our marriage isn't in trouble, he has never cheated and we love, trust and respect one another. i have a feeling you want something like that, not just a fling with a married man, so my advice would be to wait
How are people missing the 'he said if he COULD he WOULD have me' and 'normally I'm against THIS but i don't CARE' parts?
Seriously this means yeah the guys knows she's pretty and exists and if he wasn't into his wife he'd try for her. To me yeah that may be a compliment but it also fueled her desires which she should be holding off on anyways. The key word to me is COULD meaning if he was single/getting divorced he might persue her BUT since he's NOT persuing her I'd say he's in the mind frame of making things work for his wife. No place in the question does she say he made any advances or suggestive remarks. This either means she left stuff out OR the guy is commited and happy with his wife.
And with her OWN comment of saying normally she's against it but DOESN'T CARE in this case just yells out homewrecker and such to me. And the fact MM didn't say try to tell him how you feel but instead go get his rocks off type of answer doesn't help! Seriously it'd have been better if he told her to talk with him first before playing with body language or whatever she's doing. ANY of the other guyspeak guys would have either a) told her to leave him alone b) told her to talk to him or c) find new guys to be around
MM is just awful for encouraging this behaviour. But since SHE said she normally doesn't do this but wants to go headlong and get inbetween this guy and his wife just so she can play with him exudes sluttiness no if ands or buts about it. It's there in the question for goodness sakes!
It may take 2 to tango but for real based on how the question is worded it just screams nothing but wrong doing on HER end it seems to me the guy is content otherwise wouldn't it have read somehow in there she knew the guy WANTED her 110%?
And personally if I feel someone is doing something stupid in the first place and they asked me i wouldn't hestitate to tell them how stupid it was and even point out the names that they'd earn by being so careless and foolhardy to do such a thing. I'm currently mad at a friend for going back a 3rd time to a dbag guy who did nothing but cheat on her and have told her as such, she wasn't happy to hear it but we all need the raw truth at times no matter how brutal it can be.
Which hurts worse the lie that brings a smile or the truth that brings tears? If I were the wife I'd rather truth then lies later found out to cause more tears at the false happiness. This girl needs to get her head out of the coulds or whereever it went and back to eatrh. I'd bet my money if she was the married one she wouldn't want someother lady sniffing around her man let alone try and wrangle him away from his life with her and kids.
Ya know, bgirl, you're right. My comment was off-topic & I was thinking I shouldn't have involved myself in this mess at all. All it will do is allow people like you take personal pot-shots at me, so why bother? Life has enough drama without seeking it out on online forums
I like your picture too. ;)
Bev,
You are totally grogeous! And, as always, dead right!
Laur
BTW, Bev, SOME women....and Im not gonna name names here (cuz I think it's totally obvious) are so insecure in their relationships that they think just because someone hits on their "man" he is going to innocently fall over right into their vagina. We both have faithful (and obedient) husbands and are not in the least worried if some girl "really, really likes him". In fact, we (as wives) are more likely to open a bottle of wine and giggle about it. You know why? Because we have strong marriages and we realize that this is no big deal! We certainly are not going to call those girls whores and sluts because they have the good taste to like what we have. Go ahead and envy us...it's alright...everyone does!
LMAO! Right on, Laurie!
I think this discussion has sent everyone in a tizzy because its been bombarding the news lately. I mean , men walking out on their marriages has been happening forever (hell women do it too , not denying that one bit) . But I think the reason we're all hyper sensitive about this topic, is out of fear... I personally would choke a bitch over something like that..... None of it is right, I just think this topic is close to everyone's ego...because at some point in time, we have all had to deal with infidelity .
Just a thought...
Totally agree with Vee, Bric, and Bev......
While I totally agree that this woman is obviously:
1. not very mature ("I mean I really, really like him"...who says this over the age of 13?)
2. not very sympathetic as she doesn't seem to care about how the woman married to her obsession would feel.
3. Possibly not very morale. I mean she is looking for a way to seduce a married man here...
None of this, however, makes her a WHORE or SLUT. I mean both of those words mean someone has sex with lots of people... for money or for free. She isn't saying she sleeps around. She is saying she wants to romantically pursue ONE man....this man just so happens to be married.
And, yes, he is probably flattered....and really, who isn't when someone finds them attractive? Even though I am long married, I know I do. It doesn't mean that he is going to or would appreciate her advances. Lets all assume he turns her down cold...then what? Is she still a slut if she hasn't even slept with him?
I will say anyone who has been married for more than 5 minutes will tell you that marriage is a looong, hard road. Although it doesn't make things easier to have someone interfere and actually TRY to make things harder, if it is a strong marriage, it will hold through pretty much anything. My husband and I have been through some rough stuff (miscarriages, failed adoption...etc) and this, to me, sounds pretty tame. So what? A girl likes him. That has happened to both of us in our marriage. It was nothing. Most of the time, we laughed about it.... If this is the worst that their marriage will face, then good for them!
Like I said before, a slut isnt someone who sleeps with a lot of people. If you have lot of commited relationships before you find then one then the numbers can be high if you arent single for very long.
A slut is someone desperate for a man's attention that she sells her own dignity. You can look at someone and tell she's a slut, the clothing, the makeup... it will say it.
What I'm saying is, its not the NUMBER of sexual partners really, its the WAY she has them. Lots of one night stands, going after married men = slut territory. This disparity is why your judgment of seeing her as a slut is different from others.
Yes, a woman married to a great man should have NOTHING TO WORRY about. However, that still doesnt mean what she's doing isnt hurtful, selfish, and wrong.
IF the man does cheat THEN the blame will of course be on both of them. However, she has cruel intentions and even if he doesnt cheat with her what she was trying to do was WRONG.
FYI. You can not just make up your own definition of slut or whore.
These are words and they have ACTUAL definitions.
slut (slut)
noun
1. a careless, dirty, slovenly woman; slattern
2. a sexually promiscuous woman: a derogatory or insulting term
whore (hôr; occas. ho̵̅o̅r, ho̵or)
noun
1. prostitute
2. any woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse
These are names some women use to put others down and make themselves feel superior. You sound like one of those crazed lunatics that says just cuz a girl wears a short skirt or top that shows her cleav, she had that date rape coming. SERIOUSLY? I mean, are you effing KIDDING here? A slut or whore are not defined by mere clothes or make up? You are attacking someone you don't even KNOW!
NO ONE here that I have read, said ANYTHING about this girl doing the right thing by doing this. But if she does, and this guy takes the bate, then guess what? Either the marriage was headed there anyway (as there were deeper issues than this) OR they get through it and it makes their marriage even stronger in the end. You are not likely to cheat unless there is something missing and/ or broken in your marriage to begin with that has NOTHING to do with someone coming in and flirting with you!
Let me AGAIN state. I do NOT think that this girl is doing the right thing. She is putting HER wants and desires above his marriage. And you are right, she should NOT do this. It will hurt and embarrass her if she doesn't succeed and hurt and belittle her if she does. For her, at best, they end up having a relationship. And how would that relationship work out? Would she feel secure? Would she worry about him leaving her for some new girl that "really, really liked him"? I bet yes.
So, the question comes, why can't we, as women, sit back and give this woman some real advice....some real perspective (cuz I know some of us have cheated and/ or been cheated ON before in relationships) instead of resorting to calling names. It will not change her mind at all.
I will go first. When I was in college, I met this really cute guy. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years because he was cheating on me. This guy was cute and older and married..(shocker)! I liked him because he was handsome and had lots of money and I was a poor college student and really feeling down because I had just been cheated on. He pursued me. I was very flattered. We went out a few times. Kissed and yes, I even gave him a BJ in his BMW one sunny afternoon. Right after, he brought me to his office. I saw a picture of his wife and kids and MAN! I felt awful! I honestly didn't even think of her or them before. I was thinking cute guy taking me out and making me feel better about me. For me, it was about some fun and I just didn't know what it was to be someone's wife and really what that meant. I knew it wouldn't go anywhere and didn't want that either. I just wasn't thinking about the bigger picture here. Now, I doubt I was the first girl this guy cheated with and I am positive I wasn't the last. I was 21 and inexperienced with relationships and acting selfishly and maybe even a little stupidly. I have never had a one night stand, I mostly wear sweaters and jeans and in my whole life, I have only slept with 5 guys. I believe, and I know many of you do too ( I mean, really in your heart of hearts), that we should not be defined by our mistakes or low moments. So ASKER. I say the advice you got is wrong. If you after this guy and get him, you will feel guilty and if he leaves his wife and ends up with you, you wont trust him. If it seems like things are not working out with his wife. Step back and let them either work it out or fail. If it fails and you are still interested, pursue him THEN. Life is long. There is plenty of time to see if this could work naturally. If he doesn't wind up single in a few months or yrs, then MOVE ON! Find someone single that you really like. You will feel better about yourself and about the kind of man HE is when you wind up getting him. K, sweetie?
Fine darling I can check out dictionary.com too... why dont you look up where the word slutty came from:
the origin of the word slut comes from disheleved clothing, and and overall dishelved appearance and character. SO, I am not jugding someone wearing revealing clothing by calling them slutty, its simply an accurate statement.
Also the defintion of promiscuous is having a high number of sexual partners ON A CASUAL BASIS. Meaning, its the type of sex not the number that counts. Which, suprise suprise....did I say a slut was a woman who wore trashy clothing and had lots of CASUAL sex???? Yes I did.
I don't beleive that women who wear revealing clothing are inviting rape. I dont know how you arrived at that conclusion but I'll day this: Rape is by definition sex without an intivation, so technically no one could invite rape could they? Dont you dare accuse me of rape justification because we disagree about the morality of pursuing a married man.
Besides that, you just called me a "crazed lunatic".....so Im rather baffled by your whole post about how name calling is wrong after you just called me a LUNATIC. Arguments are best delivered when they dont contradict themselves my dear. Its also better that before you try to school someone about the meaning of words that you know what they ACTUALLY mean. Enjoy your sweater wearing, and have a nice day.
First off, I WILL enjoy my sweater wearing..
Second, if you noticed, I didn't actually CALL you a deranged lunatic. I said your comment made you SOUND like one. And I SOOOOOO stand by that!
You wrote, "You can look at someone and tell she's a slut, the clothing, the makeup... it will say it." That is just simply not true and judgemental to the EXTREME! Ever heard of "never judge a book by it's cover", sweetie?
And thirdly, not to belabor the point here BUT, how the HE-double hockey sticks do you know if this girl DOES have casual sex? Nowhere in her question did she say...Oh, I sleep with lots of guys casually and have one night stands all the time and I want to sleep with this other guy who is married. In fact, she even mentioned that usually she would be against this kind of thing. What this girl has is lust or a crush on someone who is married. She wants something that is not hers. I would bet that sometime in our lives we ALL have....even you Miss Perfect!
Merriam-Websters is the ONLY dictionary in my book. But you go ahead and use Urban....
On that note,
Here is one I found for Rach-
Rach:
1. An individual who cares not for relationships beyond the realm of the sexual, these people sleep with many partners not caring about anything save for the moment of climax.
2. Rubbish that is not worth the time or effort of paying attention to it, but none the less draws one in. Used to describe unpleasent situations.
3. Physical trash, often scrap metals.
4. Drawn from frag, to slag something is to destroy it, used in cases of technological rather then biological items.
So your wife's been a nasty slag all along? I knew she was trouble from the moment I first laid her.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rach
Hmm...it's in a dictionary so it MUST be true, right?
I said I DIDNT know if she is a slut, you can see that in my above comment.
However I think its fair to say that clothes and appearance are a good indication of a person's character. If you disagree thats fine. I could re-research what I learned from studying psychology and bring up some studies on the matter... but whatever. Its a correlational thing by the way, not every girl who wears trashy clothing is trashy....
Her crush on the married man is not the issue and I think you know that. Its acting on that desire thats the problem. I've had crushes on guys that were taken too. However, I NEVER did a thing about them because I respected his and her decision to be commited and monogamous together. I respected their love, and love in general, so I chose someone else.
I'm just going to take your personal attack on my nickname as a sign that you really can't refute any of my argument and take pleasure in vindictive responses.
Defend slutty girls and their behavior all you want. Im secure in my relationships so I'm not threatened by them.
Besides, how can you say its wrong to personally attack the Question asker when you just personally attacked me and my nickname? More importantly, why am i even treating your opinions like they come from some rational standpoint? You just urbandictionaried by nickname.....'nuf said.
Keep it going! I'm not reading the comments; I just want to see how narrow this column will get.
LMGDAO!!!
Whoa, it's actually starting to expand to the right! I wonder how far it will go?
I'm hoping for one letter per line.
Hmmm, not one letter per line yet for me, but it is WAY off to the right now.
McNeal,
I know you guys get so many questions, but do you think you could RE-ANSWER THIS question?
Please!!!!!
So just how tiny and small will the column get? We have a new goal :P
I agree with Bev: the name-calling is out of line, as are personal attacks.
And MM.. dude... I really hope you are kidding with that answer.
Cary, I almost wrote you about this... I've watched the conversation the last few days, hoping maybe he would chime back in, but no such luck. I hope he's kidding too. It was hard to tell. If you weren't kidding MM, this was a horrid response.
Wow. I don't even want to chime in about the topic, but after reading all these responses, all I can say is:
GOD women are catty.
The man doesn't want you...if he did he would have made a move. Young lady, like one of the commenters said he is prob really attractive cause he is taken. Step back for a second and understand one thing- no matter how much you think you and him have a connection, if he breaks his commitment with his wife due to an affair, I am not sure how you would be comfortable with the possibility of him not haul ***ing when a new woman starts "really really" liking him. You are not a whore or slut (it took a lot for me to say that :-p), you are just confused.
As for the guy, nothing in her question shows that he is in the wrong. This broad is trying to make the move on him and not vice versa...o and that thing from his friends, I want to bet you $100 that its a lie (or he probably said, she is a nice girl and would make some guy happy and Lil Miss translated it into something else).
I can't believe I am reading this ____. Hopefully, the answer is meant simply to provoke and Mystery Man doesn't really believe this. I would like to see his response if he was the one being cheated on. Its a very sad world we live in.
"One thing you can do, however, is work yourself into a situation where the two of you are alone for a lengthy period. The best scenario would include drinks. If he is leaning towards a relationship with you, it will manifest itself here."
Ignoring the whole marriage thing(which is hard to do, but stick with me), I don't think the best way to start a healthy long-term relationship is to get the other person drunk and hope they make moves on you. I don't see it ending well.
Rach,
I did not mean to personally attack you. If you felt attacked, I apologize. I merely meant to point out that we can BOTH find data to substantiate our opinions to the point of ridiculousness. You can break out your college psych books and I could break out mine. It all doesn't matter much...at least to me.
I just get a little sensitive when I see grown women calling each other names. My opinion is that there are no "sluts" or "whores". These terms are meant to keep women down. As long as two partners are consensual, I say have at it. You may call this defending "slutty" girls all you like. I think each of us is imperfect. Each of us has done wrong in our lives. We shouldn't be judging anyone. This is something I try really hard to do. It doesn't mean I am always successful, but I do try. What would be more helpful is to give her some wisdom by relating mistakes we have made and show her how her scheme is likely to play out. This might actually help her make a more informed decision and hopefully steer her in a direction that would be best for her. I know if I was the asker, I would immediately not listen to anyone who called me names. People shut down and put up their defenses when attacked in that manner. Am I wrong?
I appreciate your apology.
I refrained from actually calling the woman a slut, which is why I was baffled at your angry responses directed at me in terms of name calling.
For me, its not really the sex, its the desperation but whatever we can agree to disagree.
I don't think you can just a blanket over everyone and say we've all done something bad so we can judge one another. That takes personal responsibility away from one's actions. We are not all equal in our actions of harming one another. I've never stolen anyone's man on purpose (one time I found out I was the other woman and I cut things off immediately). When someone does something immoral then I hold them accountable as I would expect them to do to me.
As far as the lady goes since she doesn't have regard for other women's feelings I really doubt that she will regard other women's advice. Honestly when I read that question's answer i was pretty horrified and I am glad that so many women spoke against its sentiments. Yes, the name calling was ugly but the feelings behind the women about the questioner were legit.
Once again, I appreciate your apology.
Perfect Laurieliz...you are spot on! If we truly want this woman to make an informed decision, we need to help her realize the consequences at hand. We are highly unlikely to do so if we are belittling her (or each other) in the process. We want her to take a stand in sisterhood and be thoughtful of the wife? Then we need to prove that we can be adults and show her that women can respect one another..regardless of the situation.
Okkkk. From one potential "whore/slut" to another, I seriously suggest that you rethink this. Unless he leaves his wife completely...as in a legal divorce...he is using you to boost his ego and have a good time on the side. Now, you might say "But whore/slut #1, I don't care!" but let me tell you...you will. If you get involved with him, those feelings of "like" and lust are probably going to deepen. You're going to enjoy his time and attentions. And when he finally tells you that he either can't or doesn't want to see you any more (if he even bothers to), it's going to hurt A LOT more than you can imagine right now.
If you want to have at it then by all means...flirt with him and make some dirty jokes and it shouldn't take too long. Now while I've never been involved with a married guy, I did (stupidly) fall for a guy that was already in a relationship. As long as you realize that he may just be using you for fun or a "fling" then you should be fine. Don't take it seriously, don't get too emotionally involved, and keep in mind that talk is cheap. Real cheap. Don't be fooled by all of that "I love you" crap...after all how many times has he said that line to his wife? And as always there's that oh-so-true little saying: If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. You've got no element of trust to which can be used to create a real relationship in the future.
All this aside, have fun...it's gunna be a bumpy ride!
Okkkk. From one potential "whore/slut" to another, I seriously suggest that you rethink this. Unless he leaves his wife completely...as in a legal divorce...he is using you to boost his ego and have a good time on the side. Now, you might say "But whore/slut #1, I don't care!" but let me tell you...you will. If you get involved with him, those feelings of "like" and lust are probably going to deepen. You're going to enjoy his time and attentions. And when he finally tells you that he either can't or doesn't want to see you any more (if he even bothers to), it's going to hurt A LOT more than you can imagine right now.
If you want to have at it then by all means...flirt with him and make some dirty jokes and it shouldn't take too long. Now while I've never been involved with a married guy, I did (stupidly) fall for a guy that was already in a relationship. As long as you realize that he may just be using you for fun or a "fling" then you should be fine. Don't take it seriously, don't get too emotionally involved, and keep in mind that talk is cheap. Real cheap. Don't be fooled by all of that "I love you" crap...after all how many times has he said that line to his wife? And as always there's that oh-so-true little saying: If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. You've got no element of trust to which can be used to create a real relationship in the future.
All this aside, have fun...it's gunna be a bumpy ride!
I appreciate your apology.
I refrained from actually calling the woman a slut, which is why I was baffled at your angry responses directed at me in terms of name calling.
For me, its not really the sex, its the desperation but whatever we can agree to disagree.
I don't think you can just a blanket over everyone and say we've all done something bad so we can judge one another. That takes personal responsibility away from one's actions. We are not all equal in our actions of harming one another. I've never stolen anyone's man on purpose (one time I found out I was the other woman and I cut things off immediately). When someone does something immoral then I hold them accountable as I would expect them to do to me.
As far as the lady goes since she doesn't have regard for other women's feelings I really doubt that she will regard other women's advice. Honestly when I read that question's answer i was pretty horrified and I am glad that so many women spoke against its sentiments. Yes, the name calling was ugly but the feelings behind the women about the questioner were legit.
Once again, I appreciate your apology.
ok i am the person who asked the question. im sorry. i got caught up in the whole liking him alot thing and i didnt realize that marriage does mean forever and better or worse. many of the comments here were mean and i was sad but i understand people calling me names but thank you to the peole who voiced their opinions in a nice way and not calling me horrible things. i NEVER did anything with this man and i am not planning on it. he is having troubles in is marriage and he tells everyone but i have backed off with the flirting and im not going to pursue a relationship unless they do in fact break up.
+1
Good for you. Trust me you made the right choice.
GOOD FOR YOU! :D
You've done a great thing. I really believe that if you keep up your new attitude, you'll find happiness in the future no doubt!
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