No, you need to give up your husband. Oof. This guy is the worst. So let me get this straight:
- He cheated on you.
- You are still with him. Okay, sure. Couples can get through infidelity with work and time. But then he...
- Made you hang out with the other woman and her poor husband who I assume also feels awkward and/or doesn't know about the affair. That is not how you get over an affair at all.
What's his deal? Why would he bring this woman into your life? Does he know that you know about his cheating? I can't imagine anyone would want their mistress and their wife to hang out like nothing ever happened. That is beyond crazy to me. So, what, he's friends with her husband now? Have you said anything to him? Like, "Why are you a total scumbag who has no respect for me whatsoever?"
Why are you allowing this to happen? Get yourself out of this situation immediately. You shouldn't have to even see this woman, let alone spend your vacation time with her. Even if the affair was in the past, it's totally awkward and disrespectful. He's putting you and your friends in a really uncomfortable situation. Plus, he's tainting your circle of friends by bringing in the other woman and her husband. Not only are you forced to see her, you're forced to see her associate with your friends. You shouldn't have to give up your friends and vacation time to accommodate her.
Don't enable this horrid behavior. Tell him how you feel, and then consider leaving him. Cause, I hate to say this, but they're probably still sleeping together. A guy who would make you spend your vacations with his mistress would probably continue to sleep with her right under your nose. It's like he's rubbing his affair in your face. He obviously has zero respect for you. Why allow him to ruin your life any further? And why are your friends going along with this? Do they know about the affair? Get out now. Take a vacation with your friends without him. If they're really your friends, they'll have your back and won't want to have anything to do with her or her poor husband.
- He cheated on you.
- You are still with him. Okay, sure. Couples can get through infidelity with work and time. But then he...
- Made you hang out with the other woman and her poor husband who I assume also feels awkward and/or doesn't know about the affair. That is not how you get over an affair at all.
What's his deal? Why would he bring this woman into your life? Does he know that you know about his cheating? I can't imagine anyone would want their mistress and their wife to hang out like nothing ever happened. That is beyond crazy to me. So, what, he's friends with her husband now? Have you said anything to him? Like, "Why are you a total scumbag who has no respect for me whatsoever?"
Why are you allowing this to happen? Get yourself out of this situation immediately. You shouldn't have to even see this woman, let alone spend your vacation time with her. Even if the affair was in the past, it's totally awkward and disrespectful. He's putting you and your friends in a really uncomfortable situation. Plus, he's tainting your circle of friends by bringing in the other woman and her husband. Not only are you forced to see her, you're forced to see her associate with your friends. You shouldn't have to give up your friends and vacation time to accommodate her.
Don't enable this horrid behavior. Tell him how you feel, and then consider leaving him. Cause, I hate to say this, but they're probably still sleeping together. A guy who would make you spend your vacations with his mistress would probably continue to sleep with her right under your nose. It's like he's rubbing his affair in your face. He obviously has zero respect for you. Why allow him to ruin your life any further? And why are your friends going along with this? Do they know about the affair? Get out now. Take a vacation with your friends without him. If they're really your friends, they'll have your back and won't want to have anything to do with her or her poor husband.
This story is whack! Leave immediately!
This is what I would have done already: Get a good divorce lawyer and figure out if you move out or can legally make him move out. The gloves come off and you fight for everything so he/she gets none of it. And you tell her husband... NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD DO THIS - that would be your decision... If ever a situation warranted this, it's this one. Husbands should know better than to pull stuff like this on wives...
Why are you not angry about this!?! He is walking all over you! GET MAD and then get even! Sue his @ss for everything he is worth, take it all. Leave him with nothing, not even his dignity. Then i am sure his wh0re on the side will want him even more. If you havent already done so, tell her husband. He needs to know. Is your husband in the military?? Adultery is a punishable offense in the military, regardless of the branch. No person should be allowed to treat you this way! Especially a man who pledged his love and respect to you. My ex-husband cheated on me, we tried to work things out and he continued to cheat. So i chucked his stuff into the front yard, told him to kick rocks, and kept everything we owned, including the house.
these people are not your friends. friends consider your feelings when they make choices that might affect your life. in this case, both your "friend" AND your husband are making choices that DO affect your life, but they clearly don't give a rats ass how you feel about that. what your husband is telling you is that his feelings and HIS life are more important than yours, and if you let this go, he will continue to put them first because you've allowed that. what you need to know but can't really see because a marriage and years of love is blinding you, is that you are worth soooooo much better. there are men that will treat you like the queen of their world in this world, but you are not with one of them honey. get out as fast as you can, but not before you take him for everything you can so you can go on your own fabulous vacations WITHOUT the awkward sich that he's "offered" you. if you ask for half a loaf, you're gonna get half a loaf. ask for the full loaf sweetie, we ALL deserve it. you are NO different. god bless.
Thanks to all for your support and advice. We have kids and have had many good years without incident, so I want to try to work through this in spite of how awful he's treated me over this. As w/any marriage, neither of us are perfect and we've both hurt each other from time to time and I'm trying to look at the whole picture not just one incident.
At this point he has begged, apologized, and agreed to all of the items that I said I need from him (and that I'd actually asked for a year ago!), with the exception of getting a new job "right now". He has been immensely successful in a niche market and truthfully doesn't have a ton of options. Is it reasonable for me to say "sure stay on, but you need to be paired up with a new partner at work??"--they work very closely together. Am I insane to even consider him staying there in any capacity? Do you really think he's still having sex with her (he insists it happened only once-which I don't believe) and that it's over now (which I want to believe).
More info on this situation--and I know, it sounds like a soap opera: About a year ago I suspected that at least an emotional affair was going on --he denied it, said "she's just a coworker and a friend"....I pointed out that this coworker and friend was taking up ton of his time and appeared to be in love with him based on her body language, etc. In spite of my gut and the humiliation I felt, he finally persuded me to believe him and try to move on. During the last few months I thought we would be ok--and then I get an anonymous letter from someone at his work stating that "they are having an affair" and "everyone knows". He is begging forgiveness, telling me it's been over for a while, apologizing up and down and respecting my needs, e.g. I said there is no way that we will see her socially (either of us) again. I'm probably being naive....
You are not naive.., you are just in love with someone who promise to love you back. Deception is horrible to the woman’s soul. He has taken everything you know & trust…, turned it inside out. To even have a workplace conversation with HER, is a slap in the face to you.
As for what I would do? When the “friends” were all over for drinks or dinner, I would casual say over a cocktail, “Are you too still sleeping together?” (I would have already had visited an attorney with the papers in hand to be served.) My money would be that her husband doesn’t know or he would have clocked your husband by now. He certainly wouldn’t be going on vacations with him. I cannot stay with a man who disrespects me at the highest level. You shouldn’t either.
You should read this http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1288748/What-EVERY-woman-needs-know-men-cheat--man-spent-years-talking-hundreds-unfaithful-husbands.html - it's an article written about a man who researched infidelity in marriages - he spoke to hundreds of men who had cheated on their partners - it's some pretty interesting, insightful stuff.
What your husband did is unacceptable. He should not get away without facing the consequences. Personally, I would feel an obligation to tell her husband. If it were the other way around, would you have liked to be the one left in the dark? I would also tell your friends. Sure - he probably doesnt want you to ... and there is a certain element of shame involved but keeping something like this to yourself, watching your friends be nice to someone who ruined your relationship - that will eat you up. The fact she has the gall to still socialise with YOUR friends knowing you know about what she did - just shows what kind of person she is, and what kind of person your husband is to cheat with someone as pitiful and low as that. Your friends, if they are your friends, will more than understand. No-one likes a cheater, someone who cheats in life and love is someone you should never turn your back on - if someone can do something so untrustworthy and deceptive to someone they love then what the hell would they do behind YOUR back.
I just read it. Nothing novel, but it´s good to see it in writing-from a man that does not condone it.
Read the article too, pretty shocking to see if from such a global perspective of many different kinds of men, different stories but yet so similar.
Thank you everyone for your support and advice.
I want to try to stay with him for kids and because most of our time together has been good and not like it is as of late.
He is begging forgiveness, and FINALLY willing to stop seeing her socially at all.
HOWEVER, he does work closely with her and does not want to change jobs now due to economy and the successful niche that would be very hard to replace. I want to believe him that he will keep it professional and on the up and up--but is this realistic??? I'm thinking maybe it would be more reasonable to insist that he get a new partner to work with if he must stay on. Even that will probably get him a nervous, but I think I should push issue? Thoughts? Is my head totally up my a** and am I just being foolish/gullible?
The woman slept with your husband. Say that out loud a few times and let it sink in. No you are not being unreasonable. No you do not have your head up your ass. If he wants to keep you he should go to any length to make it work - otherwise he is seriously not committed to it - kids or no kids - you deserve better than this. I would be very unhappy knowing that my husband was working closely with the woman who he cheated with. The probability of it happening again with her again looks more likely if they work so close together. Seriously - call the shots here.
I am sorry about your situation. I have never been married but was in a long term relationship (7 years) and dealt with something similar. My boyfriend at the time (now ex-boyfriend) got a new coworker that he began spending an inordinate amount of time with as "friends." They hung out alot, and even went to a concert in Mexico together (with a group) to see an artist I had no interest in seeing. I had reservations, I was feeling jealous, and my gut said this was all bad, but he wouldn't hear of ending the friendship. We had other problems as well, and ending up breaking up at one point for a month. After we got back together, he admitted to me that they slept together during that month (according to him, it was only once, but who knows).
The red flag for me and the similarity between my situation and yours is that after we got back together, he would not end the friendship. They still worked together, but he would also go out with her and her friends at night and even sometimes stay the night with them. She would call him late at night as well. This was the source of constant fighting. Looking back now, it is obvious they flirted and I'm sure they slept together more than the one time he admitted. This problem lasted for most of our remaining two years together until she moved to another state.
If your husband's behavior actually changes and he makes good on the promise not to see her socially, then perhaps that is an indication he is committed to reparing your relationship. But if you find that he is still acting shady, or you get confirmation of his seeing her outside of work, then it might be time to reconsider.
Excuse me, but don't you think your children would be better off with a healthy example of what marriage should be? Not "You cheated, and I don't trust you, but I'm staying anyway."?
It's actually a lot more harmful for the children if you stay and let them think that cheating is okay. (As a teacher, I take a lot of psychology courses and as a result have to read numerous studies on this.)
Your children need to learn trust and learn that you only stay married to someone if you trust them and they treat you right. He didn't. If he had just cheated, then I'd say differently, because it CAN be worked out, but he crossed a line when he brought the other woman into your close circle of personal friends. That's just disgusting.
Don't disrespect yourself or your children. Leave him.
I think you are very brave and must feel as though you are between a rock and a very hard place.
It is so easy for those of us who are not dealing with your situation to have strong ideas of what we would or wouldn't do. Having the rug swept out from under you is daunting.
Common sense makes it's pretty clear he shouldn't see her again ever, but yours and your children's financial security are tied up in his work.
Best of luck to you.
While it's admirable you want to stay together for the kids, don't you think they might be harmed by the unhealthiness of your relationship? My grandfather did the same thing to my grandmother, and my mother always spoke of how humiliating it was to go on vacation with his mistress and her husband. It seems even as small children they figured it out. This has affected my mother and uncles in different ways, but all negatively. Two of my uncles have done the same things to their own wives and families, my mother was left by my father when I was two years old for a 16 year old girl, and my mother's twin brother believed for years his wife had to "stay late at the bank to count all the money". In the end my mother's twin committed suicide when he learned the truth. Perhaps standing up for yourself and being a strong woman for your own kids can set them up for a healthier life.
Protect yourself and the kids. I hope you kept that anonymous letter which speaks of your husband's indiscretion at work. You want to forgive him, find out the extent of what you are forgiving. Collect all the business and personal phone and credit card statements and go over them. Can't find them, ask him to show you them - otherwise you can have a lawyer order them. (If you decide to go thru with a divorce your lawyer can pull all her info and even the company's.) She's his partner at work, if they are major shareholders, what about financial cheating? If it were me in this situation, I would put my lawyer to work... It's a lot to think about especially if you still love and trust him.
I think he wants to include this woman in your social circle so your friends accept her when he leaves you. Friends are divided up like assets in a divorce and she will be part of a couple in your group and you will not be. Where will that leave you? He should be the one giving things up if he wants to continue the marriage. You shouldn't have to ask. I do not mean to be harsh but it is easier to see what is going on in someone else's situation. Personally, I have lived in pain for 10 years and hate to see someone else do the same. Get out now. It has deeply damaged my oldest child. Your kids have a clue unless they are verrry young (thanks TV). If you are socializing with this woman your kids will also see her as a friend as well just like your friends will. It is your husband's fault though. He knows he is married. He only said he would stop because he was CAUGHT. Come on Karma.
Woman. THE MAN LIED CHEATED TRAMPLED ALL OVER YOUR TRUSTING HEART! It is morally wrong to stay with a spouse who has had an affair. If you want to do your kids a favor, leave this man, and show them how wrong and completely messed up this situation is. You are not a doormat, you are a woman who should have been prized and treasured. God bless you to make the right choice.
I think it's commendable that you want to do the best for your kids. When my best friend's parents got divorced they spent years treating their children like pawns in a game of "who can hurt the other person more", it's nice to see the opposite attitude. However, if this man is blatantly disrespecting you (I don't know enough about your situation to know if he is) your kids will figure it out sooner or later. Even if he isn't blatant in front of them, they're still going to pick up signals, worst case scenario; if you have a son he's going to grow up thinking it's ok to treat women without respect, if you have a daughter she'll think it's normal for a man to treat her this way. That would be even worse because when people get into an abusive relationship things usually start out mostly normal and progress slowly towards abuse. If your daughter grows up used to disrespectful behavior from men she's going to be much more likely to miss the early warning signs that the person she's with will eventually turn violent. If this scenario seems at all possible to you please think hard about leaving. Best of luck to you and your family.
I agree with Chic Geek...they're still sleeping together. I had deja vu reading your story because before my divorce, my ex and I started hanging out with his soon to be new wife and her ex several months before he left me.