Yeah, he screwed up. Big time. This is your first Valentine's Day, the one that sets the precedent for all future Valentine's to come. It should be fireworks and sparks and erupting volcanoes and trains going into tunnels and other metaphors for hot, passionate sex. At the very least he should have given you a card and taken you out for a nice dinner. The fact that he did nothing-- not even a generic heart-shaped box of chocolates and cheap roses from the grocery store-- is a sign of his overall interest in the relationship.
What we're also dealing with here is expectation versus reality. You want (and, indeed, planned for) a fun, romantic Valentine's Day. But for him, it isn't important. He's also too lazy and self-involved to realize that you want him to make some effort. I don't care who she is-- every woman wants some level of romance on Valentine's Day. If the guy screws up, he should be prepared to deal with the consequences. Showing that we care on Valentine's Day is in the
top five on the list of things guys are required to do in relationships. And, also, he should want to make you happy.
While this might not necessarily be a dump-able offense, it definitely has left a stain on the relationship. He's going to have to work extra hard to dig himself out of this hole. You should definitely let him know that forgetting Valentine's is not okay. Don't keep it inside and grow to resent him. You should also consider if he is the guy for you long-term. He might say he loves you, but his actions show otherwise.
Sorry you had a bad Valentine's Day. But, remember--there's always next year. Look at the overall relationship and decide whether you want to give him a second chance.
How was everyone's Valentine's Day?
What we're also dealing with here is expectation versus reality. You want (and, indeed, planned for) a fun, romantic Valentine's Day. But for him, it isn't important. He's also too lazy and self-involved to realize that you want him to make some effort. I don't care who she is-- every woman wants some level of romance on Valentine's Day. If the guy screws up, he should be prepared to deal with the consequences. Showing that we care on Valentine's Day is in the
top five on the list of things guys are required to do in relationships. And, also, he should want to make you happy.
While this might not necessarily be a dump-able offense, it definitely has left a stain on the relationship. He's going to have to work extra hard to dig himself out of this hole. You should definitely let him know that forgetting Valentine's is not okay. Don't keep it inside and grow to resent him. You should also consider if he is the guy for you long-term. He might say he loves you, but his actions show otherwise.
Sorry you had a bad Valentine's Day. But, remember--there's always next year. Look at the overall relationship and decide whether you want to give him a second chance.
How was everyone's Valentine's Day?
Good answer Nick.
Something to think about for sure.
Mine sucked too...and not in the good way.
The commitment phobe I've been seeing 2x a month since last March (though he would classify us as just friends b/c we don't have sex) brought up VD on the phone (as we talk every night), but when it came to the actual day, he did call in the morning to say Happy VD, but had to go to his Monday bowling league that evening. None of his other bowling dudes missed bowling night either.
He mentioned it later that night on the phone as "a girls holiday", and he's a guy so he's not into that.
Same as New Years. He went out for drinks and playing pool with his dudes, and called me the next morning, noting he drank alot, came home around 10 and passed out...not even making it to midnight.
I know I should heed your advice about considering him for long-term, when he's clearly disappointing me in the short term.
I can't even keep him as a friend with benefits, because there are no benefits.
Hmmm.
goodkarmagirl you need to dump his ass, NOW!
Yeah...., What she said!!!
I agree with Chelsea and silkysly. Drop him and move on. I was dating a commitaphobe for 4 months, saw him once a week, and it was just like this, except more of a FWB situation--except I was the only friend he was having benefits with. We would talk on the phone every night, he selected certain boyfriend-type things to say and do, but was just kinda bipolar. I say you always learn something from each relationship, and I feel that you've learned what you need to from your relationship with Mr. Commitaphobe. You'll know what NOT to look for and what to say away from next time. I, for one, did. Now I'm with my soulmate. Done and done. GL.
Chelsey* sorry! stupid autocorrect!
My bf gave me a lovely gift on VD and took me out to had a nice dinner.Everything seem to be perfect that night.
But the next day afternoon i overheard my bf talking to his brother on the phone,he said he HATE the VD so much.Because he have to think about which gift to send me and how much he have to spent on a dinner.He said he don't want the next VD to come or else eveything will be a nightmare for him and he called the VD as a disaster for all men in the world.
I realized that everything were all fake last night,he was pretending to laughed,to had a great time.I think he qualify enough to win the Oscar~So far,i haven't talk about this thing yet.
But anyway,i don't know whether i should spent the next VD with him any more.
I am rather anti-Valentines day. I think it's a silly holiday which is given an unnecessary amount of importance in a relationship. What a guy does or doesn't do on Valentine's Day doesn't mean anything to me, it's what he does every other day of the year, like telling me he loves me, taking care of me when I'm sick, and other nice things. Valentine's Day gifts should not be the benchmark on deciding how much someone loves you. Love should be celebrated every day.
Did you tell him how important Valentine's Day is to you? If he knew it was really important to you, he might have done something.
Good response, Nick.
Deff something to think about.
My VD was underwhelming also. Commitment phobe I talk to every day/evening, and have been seeing a few times a month for almost a year preferred to keep his bowling team commitment on VD, rather than take me out. He did call me that morning though, on his way to work, to say happy VD. But "phoning it in" is an ironic description of our entire relationship.
Guess I need to heed your advice about long term consideration too.
We don't even have sex, so he's more like a "friend without benefits".
Hmmm.
oops. double post. sorry!
These comments are amusing if you read VD as venereal disease which I am inclined to do.
For my V-day my boyfriend sent me a text and I spent the whole day studying. And you know what, I think I might just live
Love, love, love it....
Ha, that popped into my head too and I also thought it was amusing.
:)
I would talk to him about it if I were you -- if it were so important to you.
My valentine's was great as Radiohead told us they were releasing a new album! Best gift ever. No boyfriend -- but I didn't feel it much really. I went for a walk in the park and amused myself by couple-watching.
What do you think of it? I like it so far, but not as much as "In Rainbows." On the mellower side, like "Amnesiac."
Did you discuss if you were doing Valentine's Day? Some people celebrate it and some don't. He might have not realized that you wanted to celebrate it. There are people who are anti-Valentine, and he may be one of them.
As a man I think that Valentines Day needs to be discussed beforehand. To many guys, Valentines Day is just an excuse for them to waste a whole lot of money at one time planning some amazing night for their partner. Guys love to be romantic for the most part, we understand that we need to feel loved and know that our companions want that feeling as much, if not more. Unfortunately Valentines Day puts a great deal of pressure on a man and many women make assumptions about how their guy will treat the day.
Personally I think every day should be used as a day to tell your girlfriend/wife/common-law spouse etc, that you love them and show it. There is no big day where men assume they will get doted on and their spouse will spend all this time planning and spending money. It is unfair to make the same assumption towards men. It hearkens back to the days before feminism and equal rites, where a man must dote on a woman and for many guys those days are over, we are all equal and no gender will get showered with gifts and love because the calendar says so.
So, if your boyfriend doesn't buy you a small country on Valentines Day, do not worry about it. Talk to him and let him know what you want out of him as a partner. Honestly, that's the answer to every possible relationship problem. My Valentines Day was spent in a bar with friends. I have a fiance, but she knows that Valentines Day is just one day of a year and I am there for her every day.
Talk about it.
I'm with margaret. I often reply to these "omg he didn't do anything on MY special day, do i dumbs him????" questions with "stop being silly and selfish". I'm not trying to say that you should never ever demand anything special, but I am saying you should concider the other side of the coin too.
I've never been a "romantic" person in the moonlight, VD, and candle light dinners way. I don't need the red roses and I certainly don't wish for useless gifts. They make me feel like he's treating me as a brainless dork, who can be satisfied with mere materia. If he isn't into the relationship full heartedly, giving me a few flowers on a day defined as special by other people won't fix it. On the other hand, if he is into the relationship full heartedly, we don't need a special day such as VD to show each other the loooove.
Another thing that bugs me about days such as Valentine's is this: Please tell me who said it's men who have to serve ladies? Why can't YOU, young lady, make the day special by planning a suprise for HIM? Take him out for a dinner, go to movies, make the day exactly as special for him as you wish. You're equal, and you can do this for him, and if he's even close to sane, he'll repay you in some way. Maybe not with a fancy dinner, but in his own way. :)
In her question she says that she "spent forever planning something nice" for her boyfriend. It sounds like at least he should have made an attempt to do something for her once he received his special surprise. Reciprocity is key.
Most men do not like the relationship pressure that is associated with V-day. They do not want to feel like they have failed when they don't perform to their SO's expectations, especially when they feel the relationship is going well already. If there is ever a question of expectations for this day, talk about it! And you could always just let him off the hook and tell him all you want is a nice steak dinner and sex (most guys will have no problem with this). I do feel that the Love and Respect in any relationship should be shown through out the year, but it is also nice to have one day that is set aside for Love... whether it is Love for your SO, your family, your friends, or for your self.
It was my question. I wasn't being selfish, and I realize that now. The reason I had expectations was because I brought it up beforehand and said that I was doing something for him. Also, I assumed that since we never go ANYWHERE--not out to eat, not on a date, nothing--that Valentine's being the "official" day for this would be just a huge freaking opportunity to actually make it happen for once. I'm always the one giving backrubs, the one driving to pick him up, the one doing ALL THE WORK and it just sucks to never actually see any effort. I AM a girl, and maybe once in a while I want an excuse to get flowers or to have him plan something fun. I don't expect anything epic, just to not always have to beg and beg for him to just go out to eat somewhere with me and to always be turned down.
Okay, so you told him you were planning to do something for him, which is awesome. Most guys love that stuff. Did you mention that you would like him to do something? Or that you expected a grand display from him? He told you he loves you, I assume he was acting like he did, he just didn't plan some big thing to do or spend money on you. If you are the kind of girl who needs 'things' on Valentines Day then tell him, there is nothing wrong with that, it's all personal preferences. If he continues to not do anything for you, and that is a deal breaker, then break it off. It all depends on what your companion wants.
My fiance and I rarely give one another gifts or plan huge nights out. We usually sit and watch a movie she wants to see, I cook us dinner, and we sit around in out sweats. No grandiose 'I Love You' written in the sky, barely any money spent, but it works for us. If he can't be what works then find someone who does. But as I said before, talk to him about all of this, and do not play the guilt/blame game with him. It makes guys either cave and not be sincere, so he will just end up continuing the behaviour, or it will make him resent you.
Good Luck
He sounds like a first rate ass...
Hah he's a sweet guy and I do love him a lot. I think we're having one of those awkward "you're my first real serious girlfriend/boyfriend and I have no idea what I'm doing" scenerios...I just do things for him to show him that I care and make him things because I love him, so I think the real issue was that since I express love in little silly ways, like baking and planning fun things, the lack of it from his side automatically registers as a lack of love/care for me. And I apparently SUCK at trying to explain that to him haha
and whoever said that thing about everyone refering to Valentine's Day as VD just cracked me up....I kept reading it as venereal disease also...hah..hahhaaa
Whitney…., the basic question is this, “Are your needs being met?” Not every now & then or if I ask him to do something. Put love aside & ask yourself, “Are my needs being met?” If you feel that they aren’t you to tell him this. Give him a chance to give you what you need. If he doesn’t go find someone who does. It obvious you’re a giver & you probably need a giver in your life, but I would give him a chance to be that guy. Good luck!
I'm a little confused Whitney. On one hand you express a great deal of unhappiness - your words - you do all the WORK - and some other concerning statements that would indicate to me that you need to walk away from this one and find a relationship that actually meets your needs. Then you turn around and call him a "sweet guy" and defend the relationship.
You indicate a level of inexperience with relationships. Maybe all that means is that you need to date a lot more men and have a few relationships under your belt before you get so hyperfocused on one guy (and one that obviously just isn't cutting it). From what you describe, he doesn't seem too vested in this relationship anyway so you really have nothing to lose by exploring other options.
I'm going against the grain here, and might have to turn in my woman card after this, but you can't control what someone else does or feels. I've learned that the hard way. If you're with someone who isn't making you happy it's your fault for staying. Personally, I do things for other people to make them happy because it makes me feel good, not because I expect anything in return. I didn't even get the words "Happy V Day" said to me on the 14th, but I'm not complaining because I don't care about one day on a calendar when he's making me smile the other 364. Flowers are nice, but they die. Chocolate is nice, too, but if he hands you a box of candy does that mean he loves you more? Maybe I'm just biased being happy with simply finding a man who is good to me in the most basic of ways (SHOWING they care all the time, being there for me when I'm sick, being concerned about my child, treating me with respect, etc. instead of phony forced actions on a holiday) because I've been in an abusive relationship before (verbally & emotionally abused for nearly a year). I've had a diamond ring on my finger, was given gifts and flowers all the time from the guy but they were just material things and how he actually treated me was horrible and a nightmare. If you require a man who acts a certain way, you have to find one like that, not change the one you're with. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I prefer being with someone just as they are, unconditionally, and if I'm all of a sudden thinking they need to be different, or I find myself expecting things that he isn't doing, then that's my issue to deal with, and to go find someone who fits that mold of what I want.
Selena, you are awesome.
Well thanks ;) But I don't know about awesome, just a realist. Too old to play games with men who aren't making me happy when there's an entire planet full of men to choose from.
"Showing that we care on Valentine's Day is in the top five on the list of things guys are required to do in relationships."
So Nick, just curious but what are the other four?
Selena and Vicky - I So agree with you both.
From me: If you just love him for pretty face, but unhappy with the treatment there is no point in the relationship, suggestion: find one that you feel happy with. I don't understand it when women asking him to do something nice for you. If you are asking or hinting it to him - whatever he gives will not be his initiative coming from his feelings. It will be you asking to be nice to you and him just fullfilling it so that you stop crying, screaming, etc. In short, he'll do it so that you are back to quiet and peace, but not because he follows his feelings to get you something to express what he feels for you. It becomes obligation vs. true feeling.
My experience: I have present ready but don't present it unless my man presents something. Regardless how equal we are - men take initiative, they are usually to approach and to take their woman out - at least at initial stages - and they pay.
I dont break up if he didnt do anything but I pay attention if he didnt and see how he acts in overall relationship. Forgets birthday? Another mental note. Calls only when wants sex? Another mental note. I'm not ok with it and once opinion forms, I see there are no feelings, I'm out. I dont question anything, I dont want answers. Behavior speaks for itself - that's the answer. I want someone with who we are mutually drawn to each other. If I'm ok with that relationship - for instance, there is no one else I'm drawn to - sex is fine, ok, I'll stay - let it be no strings attached, but I'll be open to someone who shows more interest to me and possesses personality of the man I want - personality, both in everyday life and in meeting what attracts me in his behavior towards me personally (I find it hot when the man I like - is drawn to me and I know I occupy his mind for most part of the day). I had negative experiences and I don't settle for less. If I like a guy and he is not into me - I dont want him. I want feelings in my relationship - natural, without me asking to love me, give me present, etc. If its not natural - I dont want it and won't be holding on to it. My decency comes first. If relationship is great, there is an overall attention and he's drawn to me - heck with the VD present. He was busy. I'm ok with it. Usually a man who cares will make up though in another way. Have to see patterns and overall relationship.
I honestly don't remember when valentine's day is, so I guess it was OK.
But I can see how it can be important for other people. If my boyfriend was lazy about something I really care about, I'd be just as pissed.
I was suppose to go out for dinner for Valentine's Day, however, I wasn't feeling well, boyfriend promise to come over and stay with me, but instead he went out and partied with friends. I just broke up with him.