Bad idea. People do it, but it's still a bad idea. It's wrong, it's messy and it won't end well.
She's not his ex. That's the problem. He's still married. Separated isn't the same as divorced. They are still legally married. Even if he's planning to get divorced, he's still married.
If you aren't put off by such technicalities, consider the practical aspects. Separation is meant to be a short-term break in which a couple works on their differences with the goal of getting back together. How will you feel if you start seeing this guy and getting attached to him, then he dumps you to go back to his wife and child? It's a very real possibility.
Also, by dating him during a separation, you interfere with whatever he and his wife are doing to patch up their relationship. Do you want to be the wedge that comes between them, the reason that he ends up leaving his family? I don't think you do. Even if you don't care, karma does. How would you feel if you were separated, ostensibly to work on your marriage, and your husband started dating someone else?
Separated men are married men. Don't date married men. Find your own guy and leave these people alone. If he gets divorced and wants to call you, fine, but until then, stay the hell away from him.
Thanks for the question.
Excellent advice! Allow me to reiterate the key point here, "separated isn't the same as divorced." This is true in so many aspects besides the obvious legal one. Tell him to hang on to your number. Tell him you will be happy to hear from him one year after his divorce papers have been finalized AND he has been living on his own. That's a whole OTHER dimension ;) Good luck.
agreed. i know there will be the inevitable girl that will say "but their marriage is dead..." along with a number of other excuses to justify it, but Cary is bang on here. i know when i kicked my ex husband out, the marriage was done, dead, over, the second i shut the door and bolted the lock behind him. but it took a good 18 mos before the divorce was finalized, and he was married 6 wks upon finalization the ink was barely dry. THAT didn't bother me, when he showed up at my door and told me he was married again, i closed the door AGAIN and laughed behind it about how she could have him. what DID bother me was him dating days after the first time i closed the door. and the trip to new york to meet a new woman a month or two after. he was doing all of that while he was supposed to be in therapy trying to fix him so he could fix us. as much as i truly believed the marriage was dead that one day, there was a sliver of a chance that i would have taken him back, had he stayed on the meds he was given and kept to the steps he was supposed to be taking. but he didnt. why? because he was dating during our separation. had he not done that and kept to the program we may have had a chance. that is a very very very small chance. but until the divorce is finalized, no matter how dead somebody says something is, there is always that chance. everything happened for me exactly the way it was supposed to be and i've never been happier and blame nobody for the demise of my marriage but him, however, i have stayed away from separated men for that reason. i would never be able to sleep at night thinking i had anything at all to do with something that even had a sliver of a chance, ESPECIALLY if there are children in the picture. not only that, but separated guys are major rebound guys, do you really want to be someone's "getting over someone else" girl? teresa is right, give him the number and tell him you will buy him a glass of champagne when the divorce ink is dry, but not a second sooner. it's your karma.
Could not have said it better myself.
Again, I have to chime in on this one. My partner is separated from, but still married to, his wife. He has a child with her, but they've been separated for about three years now. She's a heinous bitch who is making his life very difficult. He also does not have the money to get a divorce, in the slightest, so that's just not been an option for the last few years. Why should we put our life together on hold just because he's too poor for a divorce?
I love him more than anything, and he's loved me for years. He only married because of the child, and that obviously wasn't the best thing to do. He despises his wife, and she despises him, and they will never be getting back together. He's lived with me for the past year, in a house we rent together, and we've planned out, without fear, the next thirty years of our lives together.
So, while I respect the idea in theory, I can't actually support it whole-heartedly because of my own situation. Sometimes, it can be fine. You just need to be very aware of how all parties feel. And always treat situations with kids very slowly and carefully.
Has he tried legal services or other charities? I mean come on, if he is that poor, the courts would probably waive any court fees anyway.
I guess I am just surprised there really is someone out there who is willing to accept second class status. Well it is your life your choice. I'd just never accept that situation.
Really, he can't afford a few hundred dollars to file for divorce. . . right.
Because he has no money, it is the perfect time to divorce his wife. As long as they are married, the wife is entitled to half of everything that is his until the divorce. If he wins the lottery, inherits, etc. today - she gets half until they divorce.
Worse, if she maxes out credit cards, etc. - he is liable for "their" debt.
Had he filed 3 years ago, even if she hired lawyers to go after him that he would have to pay - she only gets what he has minus lawyer fees! It would be over by now - because he has no money! - and he would be divorced...
Yep. Or, the wife could decide to initiate a divorce and still manage to gain alimony or assets from him. A colleague I know had this happen, he wasn't too poor just a lazy ass and everyone seemed content with the status quo. Then out of the blue his ex-wife filed divorce with a massive alimony demand. He was out huge legal fees and still had to pay alimony, his then GF decided this sucks so she dumped him.
Had he initiated the divorce, he would have had more control over the outcome.
I still find it hard to believe he can be that poor that he can't even afford the waived divorce fees.
My two cents..I have filed for divorce. The final court date is in May. I have no intention of patching things up - he has had a zillion chances. If I could have gotten out of this sooner than the date the court told me I could - I would have taken the option. I am sure I am not the only person out there who is in this situation - seperated does not always mean people are working on things........just an FYI
I think its quite the opposite actually, people separated aren't doing anything to work out things.
Yeah, I know, but in theory that's the purpose.
yeah, Cary's right. that's why in most states, and in Canada as well, unless you are filing under abuse or infidelity your divorce won't be finalized for at least a year. the "unwritten hope" this legislation stands for is that the parties will come to an agreement during that time frame like, changing their mind. divorce is not an easy process, there is a lot to think about, a LOT.....A LOT. stuff a lot of people don't even think of until it happens to them. and a lot of time is needed for that. the worst time to start a new relationship is then. when you are dating a separated guy, you are still dating someone else's husband. no matter how different you think your unique situation is. I am so on Cary's page with that one.
It's not that this is an inherently "wrong" situation-- but I think the emotional side of things deserves some airing-out. Even actually divorced people, when the divorce is recent, aren't usually in an emotional position where they can honestly open up to someone new-- so how could someone who is only separated truly shut off feelings (not necessarily romantic-- but even the anger, or sadness, or whatever) for his marriage and his wife? Moreover, why should he have to? I'm not saying that this couple should walk away from something that might work out eventually-- but it would be in their best interests to be friends for a while while he works everything out. I wish someone would have given me this advice when I started dating a recently divorced man (1 month officially, legally divorced)... he was the man of my dreams except that he didn't have his emotional shit together in any way. And, looking back, it was sort of wrongheaded of me to even expect him to.
I started dating while I was "seperated" not divorced. Unfortunately with the relocation costs etc, it took me a little bit of time to be able to afford to pay for the divorce (since of course I had to pay for the whole thing myself).
If they are recently seperated and he still sees her (for things other than to pick up/drop off the child) then yes steer clear.
My uncle has been seperated from his "wife" for almost 20 years. They just never did the actual divorce (initially due to money and then later just because it didnt seem important I guess). But they cannot stand each other and are definately NOT working things out.
So each situation is different. Dont run the other way just because the papers havent been signed yet.
Not saying anyone should run the other way but legally you are still married if there is no divorce decree and that's how the courts will see it. Your uncle would still be responsible for his "wife". If she got hospitalized and she has no insurance, they go looking for the husband to pay her medical bills. If she doesn't pay her taxes - again, his problem... If the marriage is over - why leave it open ended? When my husband and I were getting a mortgage we found out about $40,000 worth of credit card debt his ex wife had in his name - she did not cut up the credit cards per the terms of their divorce. In her case she was not trying to ruin his credit but it happened. Without a divorce, you are still married and responsible for your spouse in name only. You owe it to protect yourself and your significant other to end a marriage that can come back and cost you both.