This may be one of the eternal questions when it comes to dating. For such a simple "yes or no" question, it sure has a lot of nuance and confusion in its midst.
By the way, am I safe in assuming that you were dumbfounded when the guy accepted your offer to pay the bill? Experience has taught me that if a guy has an intention of seeing you again, he would NEVER let you pay the bill in the first few dates. Even conventional wisdom states, "in the first few dates, man pays for plates."
I think Aristotle or Nixon said that. One of those otherworldly wise philosopher champions.
As a matter of practicum though, I think that as a woman, you should ONLY offer under a few circumstances:
1) The date is going terribly and you want to make sure that he knows there will be no other dates by usurping his manhood on the spot and not only paying for the bill, but asking for it quickly and handing your card to the waiter without looking at the tab. Men do that to look like ballers and indicate that we can handle anything. If a woman does that? Looks like she is ready to go and might potentially call the ASPCA on you if you touch her.
2) You really don't mind paying or going dutch and are staunchly intent on showing how independent you are. Of course, this might cause some back and forth as gender roles and democracy come under fire, however, what's a world without passion and war?
3) You agreed ahead of time to go Dutch (is this supposed to be capitalized? Does it really come from Dutch people? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Me no know).
If the guy is really feeling you and interested in seeing you naked again, he will be more than happy to pay for the bill and will politely thank you for your courteousness, but remind you that you are doing him a favor by going out with him so it's only right for him to cover the bill. And he'd like to cover more.
That's what a man who is interested will say (or at least offer some variant of that). If he doesn't like you or is a total cheapskate and possible virgin, not only will he let you pay, he'll add desert AFTER THE FACT.
So, ladies, gauge the date. If you think it's going well and you all are vibing and he seems like a good guy, offer to pay, and expect a decline-and-smile from your dude. Be surprised if he lets you pay.
If the date is going terribly. Don't offer to pay for anything and just smile and say "thanks for dinner" when the bill comes. Oh, and start doing your nails...at the table.
Not sure why but in my mind it adds dramatic effect.
It was written.
hahaha cha cha cha......great advice, but I always feel bad when people offer to pay, so I just assume I'll be paying for my own meal. Oh and I recommend that ladies never assume home boi will pay and forget your wallet at home, don't take it out but bring it...lol obvious dose of truth
What about going to the movies, who pays then? I mean you can't really gauge the date since it just started, and you always pay before you watch the movie.
"Oh, and start doing your nails...at the table." That'll let him know for sure
"Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Me no know)." Good question, when you find the answer let me know!!!
if you're going to the movies, then whoever suggested going to the movies pays. it's a cheap date anyway. if dude quibbles about paying for two tickets, you should leave right away. or at least go see a movie that will be entertaining.
or just go home and watch The Hangover.
Thank you for clearing this up, Panama. I have had this dilemma recently with a guy I've gone out with a few times who doesn't always pay. Once I offered to split the check, and he said yes, but didn't take the money. Guess he was hoping to get laid? (He didn't).
I had a coffee date with a guy who let me order, then neglected to pay for my food, AND had the audacity to accept my (sarcastic) offer to pay for his. I immediately turned to the cashier and said "come to think of it, we're going dutch". I almost took my coffee and left.
Maybe I should have started painting my nails at the counter. LOL. That is classic.
And thanks for the credit card maneuver. Now I know how to really put a guy in check should the need arise.
if you offer to go dutch (I did, out of sheer kindness :P a case of number 2 ) and the guy says thanks but he pays for all his friends and therefore insists on paying for you -- is this true or a patented excuse to shut you up without having a feminist argument? This happened, and I believed him, but my friend says it's not possible he pays for all his friends and that he's just saying that so I'll shut up + think he's generous....
ok, can i pose a question to you folks?
i can't think of a way to offer to pay that isn't awkward and doesn't come across as insincere. what do you usually say/do when the cheque comes?
look to him while batting your eyes and say very sweetly "we splitting this?" ah i don't know sry no help here
let him pay the first time. it's not awkward and completely socially acceptable for a first date. guys do it because it makes them feel important and supportive, and also because they're expecting something for it in return (if not sex, the promise that sex is a definite possibility) if you're still feeling guilty, but the date went really well, offer something like "wanna try that new restaurant next weekend (or some other second date idea)? my treat." but honestly, if you insist on paying for the first date, it's not "a first date."
I've never had a guy think I'm insincere when I offer to pay! I think if you're sincere enough it'd come out ok somehow :) It'd show. I usually just take out my wallet when the bill comes and fish out my share. If the guy pays the whole bill, I usually ask them how much I owe them. I don't think they think you're insincere -- from what you say you already expect the guy to pay -- and that introduces awkwardness in your offer to pay! I think if the man insists though, just let him pay. If you feel really bad about it, you can always offer to treat him the next date, or buy him drinks or something (dessert?) to show that you appreciate the concern.
no one's ever thought i was insincere either, because i actually mean it when i offer (i feel bad for them...dating can get expensive!) but i'm really awkward about accepting things from people. i don't want to give in too easily so he thinks i was just saying it to say it, nor do i want to make him uncomfortable by insisting too much...therein lies the problem!
I usually give the guy a moment to reach for his wallet, or look at the check, and gather his thought. Then I will reach for my purse, look him in the eye, and ask "would you like some cash?" or, "are we splitting it?". I think the more casual and honest your tone, the easier it is for him to respond without making it awkward.
Panama, what do you think?
i think thats actually a really good way to do it. it implies that you are more than ready to help out and be down for the cause and lets him say, "naw, i got this" which helps boost his ego. that's what it comes down to, if a date is going well and a guy is feeling you, his ego won't let him look like a sherm.
us men, we got big egos...
Thank you Panama, for being so benevolent with your advice and follow-up comments.
And in that spirit, Ladies, I wanted to add that we should ALWAYS say THANK YOU when a guy pays.
At the end of the day, all rules aside, showing gratitude to someone for buying you food and drink is good manners... and classy. :)
And the phrase "naw, I got this" is like female Viagra...
YES. This.
Last first date I was on, the guy paid and I put down the tip. That seemed to work.
Before I was married, I used to ask guys out occasionally. So, it was always my opinion that whoever asked the other out was the one that was supposed to pay. That way, it was kinda figured out up front and there wasn't that awkward moment when the check came. Plus, I was making good money and liked to buy sometimes. Now that I'm getting un-married, I have this guy friend that I hang out with quite a bit. Our first night hanging out again after many years apart, he bought dinner, I got the movie tickets. (I know this is a little different since we're friends, but I talk about wanting to date him in a different question's reply.) I received some restaurant gift cards for Christmas presents this year. So, to let him know I'm paying on those nights, I plan to tell him that I have a gift card that I'd like to use and want to take him to dinner. We'll see where it goes from there.
your way is extremely logical and probably the most efficient and professional way to do things.
basically its the antithesis of dating where rules go out the window and everybody's sending their representative and trying to feel the situation out.
i applaud your ability to eschew the non-sense.
Love reading your responses!!!
thanks a million. i do this for my culture...or some such other jay-z quote.
"Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Me no know."
Out of this entire article, this is what interested me the most in this whole entire answer. thanks for a laugh!
If you don't wanna pay don't reach for the bill. Its not big deal. If he offered to take you out he is offering to pay the bill. If a man tried to split the bill with me I would walk out, Way to impress me jack ass.
Don't forget the "thank you."
"Do you want to split this?" she says sweetly.
"No, no I got it." he says handing card to waiter.
Lightly touch his hand, "thank you for dinner."
Wait for the surprised smile. You have now awarded his efforts. On to the rest of the date. Lol.
Hilarious! I was asked out to a tea house by an uptight british guy. Then after the date he said 'shall we split the bill' and then tried to kiss me good bye and said 'text me later if you want to meet again'. Sheesh online dating! I wouldn't meet a guy again who showed so many mixed signals!