To be fair, can a jealous, racist who lacks any compassion really be amazing? I happen to think that the distance might have been a blessing, because maybe you missed those nights when he behaved like a lunatic. I'm going to give you a very important piece of dating advice right now: don't date sociopaths. It is never a good idea.
You can judge a person by how they treat others. For instance, you can judge a person by how they treat waiters at a restaurant. I generally find that people who treat waiters like subhuman servants are, as a rule, not very nice human beings. It really is a test of character to observe how someone deals with those in the service industry -- because it indicates a total lack of empathy. An inability to walk in another person's shoes. Now, I'm not saying that if I'm spending my hard earned money for a service, I'm going to tolerate hostile incompetence. But I do recognize that most people deserve a little human respect up front, free of charge. Do unto others and all that wazoo.
Just because he was never cruel to you doesn't mean he's not going to be. Why risk that? I say go with your gut feeling. You dumped him. Stay single. Don't take this guy back. Forget the racism and the jealousy, which are bad enough. But a lack of compassion for others means a person who is all about himself, his feelings, and his desires. For the duration of your relationship, it sounds like you fit into his selfish plans for himself. But jeepers, the moment you deviated from his plan, you'd be in his vicious cross hairs. You have to assume that the nice guy he showed you was just a mask he wore to get what he wanted, whatever that was.
Steer clear.
This is an excellent answer! It disturbs me how often people need to be told, "If the person you're dating is an asshole to others, he/she could very well (and probably will) become an asshole to you."
Very interesting quote from none other than JK Rowling that sums up this guy:
"If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
Yeah. So if he treats his "inferiors" like shit...you'd better run too.
Oksana, is that you? You most definitley should NOT get back with Mel!!!
bahahahaha
With his total lack of empathy, this guy could be a serial killer! Stay away!
LOL, well, first of all, how can you preface your question with "I was engaged to an amazing man..." and then describe him as racist??? What about him was amazing? 'Cause you know, racists are pretty, ummm, you know, racist.
I disagree with your answer, John, and with a few of these comments. When I was first dating my husband (8 years ago--whew; the kicker is that I'm only 24), everyone thought he was a really snobby asshole.
But you know what? People are really skewed in how they view others nowadays (or maybe this has been going on for a long time since it appears Jane Austen suffered from this, too). People confuse reticence with arrogance, timidity with kindness (i.e. don't think he won't punch you just 'cause he's shy), blah, blah blah. This is why women and men get in so much relationship trouble! They are always confusing one trait for another in their partner.
Turns out, though, my husband is a good man (he just has Asperger tendencies). Truly compassionate, kind, loving, affectionate and committed. The only reason people didn't think so is because he's not the type to go out of his way to convince them that he's a good person. He does great things whether people are watching or not.
having compassion for others is important and how you treat inferiors, not only your friends with respect.
don't let people take advantage of you.
former doormat