Let's just keep this one ALL THE WAY FUNKY. You're not calling BS on anything. At all. You've been there for 11 years? Word? You've been willing to put up with his "lack of commitment" (we'll get back to that) for that long, clearly you're going to put up with it for longer. Just be honest about that.
But here's the kicker...what lack of commitment? You've been together for 11 years. Technically he's right. He's been committed to you. Just not in the way that you want which i assume means marriage. I have no idea why any man would be with a woman for 11 years and NOT marry her since I'm sure you've been beating down that door for years now. Frankly, I'd get tired of hearing it and if I'd resolved to not leaving anyway, I might as well marry you.
But in this situation, you've showed him that he doesn't have to marry you, ya know, with that whole staying around for over a decade thing. Honestly, I'm not sure what is so scary to us men about marriage. It scares me too. It's so odd that something you've effectively been doing becomes SO much more real AFTER you sign some papers. Could be the public information we see regarding the nasty divorces, etc. Me no know.
Point is, he's committed to you. And has been for a long time. But you want marriage. Except you're not going anywhere even if he doesn't marry you. Sure you'll be pissed off for a while and will argue with him, but he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do because it's been 11 years already, why not make it 11 more. I'm not telling you to leave and give him an ultimatum either. I think ultimatums are the worst means of trying to get what you want and should ONLY be a last resort when you are completely willing to walk away from a situation.
Seems to me like you need to let him know what you want and decide what matters most, marriage or him? I know marriage means a lot to a lot of people. But shouldn't having somebody to be with for that long matter too? We know marriages that haven't lasted 11 years, much less 2.
I think you need to talk to your man about what you all are really doing and what you want versus what he wants and decide how to proceed lest you feel like all of your years are wasted...even if they aren't.
I think if you need marriage to feel like you are in a committed relationship, then you truly deserve it. You now need to soul search if your current situation is good enough for you. If it’s not…, go find your happily ever after. It’s not too late. You deserve to be happy.
(Sorry PJ, she has already talked to him. So far it seems to be only what he prefers. I don’t think she should make an ultimatum either. Just a decision that is best for her & act on it.)
Silkysly is right, as she often is. Making ultimatums and demands hasn't worked here because he knows that, although she may get angry and frustrated over the situation at the end of the day she always comes back to him. She has to start making herself less available. If she spends three nights a week at his place, bust it down to one. If she spends every weekend with him, only spend every other weekend together. If she's let her appearance go somewhat, as many people do in comfy LTRs she should get some new clothes, a new hairstyle, change her makeup, go to the gym etc. so that he'll see that she is attractive to other men. The reality is that if a man knows that you are belong to him and you aren't going anywhere he has no motive to marry you. But if he starts to feel ever so slightly insecure about where they stand it might goose him into taking action.
I'm probably being too rational about this. I most likely don't have a clue, I've never been in a similar situation. Still, I can see this plan backfiring and I'm not sure it's worth it.
Once the soul-searching is over, if she ultimately decides she wants to stay with him these tactics to "make him miss her" may work against her. If I was told about a couple, together for 11 years, where one of the two tried talking things out and ultimately decided to stop spending so much time with the other, I'd have to believe the first gave up and lost interest. If the man she's with is, in fact, already committed (to the greatest extent he's comfortable with), I find it easier to believe he'll get hurt than to believe they'll get married (or will achieve the level of commitment she wants). It's not so unlike an ultimatum, and it should only be attempted if she's willing to risk that result and/or has decided to find someone better.
That's just the rational me. If you still want to try it, consider that it takes knowing the other person *very* well to improve the chances of getting what you want and even then it could fail.
If he knows how much marriage matters to you and after much discussion throughout the years, he does not want to marry you - I would end it. You agree to disagree...
Marriage is a piece of paper that legalizes and legitimizes your togetherness. You can not have the same last name unless you are married. People treat you differently when you are married vs when you are not. You find out especially when one of you is hospitalized or dies. You are/were nobody to him unless you can prove it... Maybe he is committed to you without the piece of paper but it's not the ultimate commitment.
yep, silky nailed it. i know what it's like to walk away from someone who doesn't want the same things, it really sucks. a little bit at first. then when you realize why you did it it's so liberating. it's a true taste of happy. with 11 years though, i do think there is hope here. my first reaction was the same as PJs, why are you questioning the committment? he does sound committed and i am sure he doesnt want to lose you any more than you want to lose him. he may just put a ring on it just cuz he knows that will make you happy. follow your true instinct here, you'll be okay. good luck.