For the purposes of this answer, I'm assuming you're, at most, thirty-five. Beyond that, the revelation that you're a virgin has a profoundly different impact on a guy. Specifically, they see a nun's habit magically appear on you and run for the hills.
But if you're still in the "hey, it's not THAT odd I haven't had sex yet, it's just our slutty society" range, then chances are most guys will react one of two ways.
First, there's your B-type guy, who will see your reticence as a hurdle he has to overcome to get this relationship where he wants it to go. Which isn't to say men think sex is all a woman's good for, but pretty near a hundred percent of us envision some kind of regular sexual interaction in the future, and we tend to expect you'll be present.
This is the most likely "deal breaker scenario." Don't take it too hard if he does break things off; it really isn't a statement about your virginal status--more his laziness. Your track record leads him to believe that he's going to have his work cut out for him, and if he's not that into you, that can be enough to get him to say "oh, forget it."
Then there's the A-type guys, who will see your perfect unbroken hymen as a challenge, a vaginal Mount Everest, if you will. They'll strap on an oxygen mask, hire a local guide, and push hard for the summit. In basketball terms, they will "drive it to the hole," which is a grossly appropriate metaphor and I encourage you to not think about it too much.
So when you do break the news (and sooner is better than later, as long as it's not "TMI" soon), you're usually going to be dealing with your man losing some interest, or getting too pushy.
That is, unless you've found a coveted GOOD GUY. Who happens to LIKE YOU. If that's the case, he'll stick it out. As much as guys are insatiable horn-dogs, we can wait, if we feel what we're waiting for is worth it, like a very special girl, or fresh Krispy Kreme.
Based on the above, my advice is to accept some losses as a natural side effect of the celibate lifestyle (at least in this day and age), and say "screw 'em" to the boys who can't handle it. Don't go compromising your moral code just to "get in the game."
Unless that game is sobbing on the phone to your best friend and having an awkward breakup, in which case by all means put out immediately...you will win said game.
I'll never understand why guys are stuck on the idea that sex is what a relationship is about. My mom had a guy friend in college who came up to her very proudly one day and told her that he was no longer a virgin, as if looking for approval. Her reaction was basically "Oh, that's too bad..." and then she somehow got the point across that she was NOT interested in someone who'd slept around, because she wanted someone who she could feel equal to. Who wants to be the clumsy one on the honeymoon? Anyway, because she stuck it out and waited for someone who respected her before he even met her, she found my dad. They've been married for 20 years, and they have the best relationship I have ever seen. They can't count the number of times their friends' children have told them that THEY are the perfect rolemodels of what marriage is. My point is, regardless of the guys reaction, if he's expecting or looking for anything other than a virgin, don't necessarilly expect it to end well. I'm not saying you have to wait for a virgin, what I'm saying is that if he can't handle that you are one then he's not worth it. Never settle because you think you can't do better; it will be the worst decision you ever make.
I actually found this answer to be a bit judgmental. Just because a man wants to have sex with you, doesnt mean that's all he wants from you. I seee sex as a high form of communication for that one guy that I care about and am commited to, not something i wait to do until marriage that's more of a procreation thing. Sex is a really important part of a relationship for me! It shouldn't be viewed as this dirty thing or as something you GIVE to someone. Sex is shared!
I'd say most guys are looking for people other than virgins and there are a lot of happy marraiges out there besides your Mom's. Actually, people who are virgins are more likely to wed younger and be with someone a shorter period of time and are thus more likely to divorce, statistically speaking. I'm glad your parents made it through!
To be quite honest, I couldnt marry a virgin myself. Sex is so important to me as a means of communication that I couldnt commit to someone that I hadn't really really connected with. I couldn't marry someone who was a virgin the same way I couldn't marry someone who I haven;t been with for at least a couple years. I want to see all sides of someone to know if they are whats right for me forever.
A+ response finally some decent advice for virgins.
I, too, find this awesome. It's rare to find advice that doesn't make virgins out to be inherently better than everybody else, and yet doesn't ridicule the choice to wait. It's a legitimate decision, and yay, Swaim! for treating it as such.
I hate when people assume that when someone is a virgin its because they're choosing to wait or that it has something to do with morality. Some people, like me, are just too ugly.
There's no such thing as too ugly. I had a roommate that weighed 300 lbs and had had her stomach stapled and she had guys that would sleep with her. She was the kind of overweight where there were flaps of fat haning off her. I saw one of the guys who was knocking boots with her and he was athletic and not bad looking. But some guys will go anywhere for sex. It's all about how low you want to go.
Maybe I just haven't met anyone with low enough standards yet
Some guys do like bigger women. Some guys like women inbetween and some like them skinny. Goes the same for Women. We all have our preferances. Who are we to knock anyone else? We like what we like.
I doubt that has anything to do with it. And don't call yourself ugly. We are all beautiful. Confidence says a lot.
Ever watch the show cops? If a 200 lb crack whore with missing teeth and matted hair can manage to get a man I'm plenty sure you could do the same. And I bet you could get a much better man.
We are as beautiful as we believe we are. I'm no 10 but I never have to search for a guy.
I agree with the first sentence. Not so much the second one.
In my early twenties, I missed out a lot of occasions because of low self esteem and shyness. I though: how could a guy be atracted to me in a more than friends kind of way? (or in a more than "Do you think your hot friend would go out with me?" kind of way. Which happenned, of course). Even when people around me were telling me that the way a certain guy was looking at me and trying to reach out was unmistakable, I just could not believe he could be attracted to me.
And then one day you wake up and realise that if all those harpies on Jerry Springer can get laid, so can you. Then you just learn the delicate art of make up and dressing according to your figure and voilà.
My point being, unless you are covered at 95% by deep burn scars and lost all your hair, I don't think you are ugly. You just haven't found the beauty beneath.
But yeah, sometimes woman stay virgins late mostly because they don't think they can attract a guy, not because they believe they should wait.
The thing is I do try with my hair, make up , and clothes (though the clothes can be difficult because I'm fat and weirdly proportioned). I'm in my early twenties, and I've never had a guy show any kind of interest in me, other than using me to try to talk to my best friend, and none of my friends have ever mentioned anyone trying to 'reach out' to me. I think it has to do with more than just my physical unattractiveness but also with my lackluster personality.
So lets say you don't want to go "all the way" with your boyfriend. What if your willing to do the "everything but..." what do guys thing of that?
thats where I am now with my sorta-boyfriend(more friends with benefits I guess). Anyway, he knows I don't want to go all the way and he's cool with that. Kissing/touching is better than nothing, right? If he's a good guy and genuinely likes you, he should be ok with it. Plus, depending on how far "everything but" is, you might not need to have sex to be, ahem.. pleasured. :)
Good answer. I'm 23 and I still have my v-card. I've dated both the "A-types" and the "B-types." A-types are the worst. At one point I was so sick of them trying the whole conquest route that I decided to use the word "celibate" rather than "virgin". You wouldn't believe the difference it made.
As for the other type of guy, they aren't as bad as they sound. I'm not gonna lie, it sucks that a guy would nix a relationship just becuase he isn't going to get any play, but I am glad that the guys were honest enough to tell me up front that my status was a deal-breaker.
I'll be honest, every guy i happen to tell I'm a virgin, assumes "oh it can be your too hot"
but when i'll be dead serious they'll be like wow... and their more up for knowing me!
it can be a bit too annoying, a lot of them want to get there first
since no man has touched me 'that way'
I don't think you should blame men (or anyone) for expecting to have sex as part of an adult relationship. Sex is a natural desire for most people, and if one person wants it and the other person doesn't, they aren't compatible. Period. It doesn't mean either of you is a bad person.
THANK YOU! Finally someone with a pragmatic approach to sex!
virgin power!!!:D
Just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you don't want to have sex!!!! OMG. What about those of us who want it but it hasn't happened yet? Hey, dude, I'll sleep with you, but I just want you to know that I'm 23 and haven't done it before. ugh. I feel like anymore if you're over 16 and a virgin you're basically put up on the shelf.