I think you mean "polyamorous" relationships. A "polygamous" relationship refers to multiple marriages. Don't confuse the two.
That said, polygamy usually involves coercion. Most polygamous marriages are not between consenting adults, but rather, involve indoctrinating young girls into a culture where they are used as breeding vessels for a single man. There is almost always an element of religious brainwashing that is essential in establishing and maintaining these kinds of arrangements.
Polyamory, on the other hand, is having multiple intimate relationships. Don't confuse the two, ever. It's two consenting adults who agree to have an open relationship. I have met and interviewed many people in this very active community, and I can tell you it ain't easy. Polyamory sounds like a great idea, as it promises to remove the poisoning concept of jealousy from a relationship. But in order to make it work, the couple has to be totally, brutally honest.
I know of plenty of these relationships that work. Those that don't work, don't work because they fail to keep up the flow of communication. In a polyamorous relationship, boundaries must be drawn, and redrawn, and vigilantly tended. You just can't casually engage in a polyamorous relationship.
And I get why it's an attractive situation. On it's surface, it seems like it's all about having your cake and eating. But it's not. I mean, I think most guys would jump at the idea of an open relationship. But here are two things: cheating isn't about sex. Cheating is about dishonesty. It's about being selfish and not thinking about how your actions affect the other person in your life. I suppose it's possible for someone to still be dishonest and to betray trust in a polyamorous relationship. Secondly, most men are hypocrites when it comes to their sexual appetites. I think the ideal douchebag relationship is one where he can bang whoever he wants, but she can't.
Dudes are crazy jealous.
Personally, I couldn't maintain a polyamorous relationship. Not because I'm the jealous type. But because I have enough trouble trying to be the best man possible for one woman.
I mean, I have been in a polyamorous relationship, but I didn't tell her. I know. That's called cheating. But those days are long gone.
Well thank you very much Mr John DeVore. Firstly my BFF is in one of these arrangements, and when I said to him that if you were completely happy in your relationship, and that you got everything you needed out of it, then why go and have sex with someone else?
His reply?!
"I like variety...sex with just one person gets boring"
I can see this working for say...cereal...yes it IS true...i can't just eat cheerios...sometimes those little marshmallows in that box of lucky charms are calling to me...but since it's not really cheating...i don't feel guilty afterwards.
He said I had a view on love that had been too "Disney-fied"...true or false?
I just don't have any good come backs to prove to him that seeing a million other girls WHILE with his girlfriend isn't really what all great love stories are made of...
(but thank you for your lovely, hope filled article i must say!)
That's a bullshit answer he gave you. I can't understand why people are so afraid of having sex with only one person. It only gets boring if you LET IT get boring!
Love isn't Disney, but it certainly isn't polyamorous. I don't know, to me, polyamory just sounds like a terrible excuse to sleep around, even if both partners agree to it. I just don't know how anyone could be sustainably happy in that situation.
That's exactly what i thought! His excuse is "he loves her" and wants to be with her but......
I think you're right, in the long run, people can't REALLY be happy!
It's one thing to tell your partner you're going to sleep around with other people because you need variety, and it's another to just cheat. Sex doesn't just get boring for men, like they are somehow the grand judges of sex and only their needs are to be met. What about the poor gal who has to keep having boring sex with this jerk?
I hate this! Who started this idea that men are totally ADD when it comes to sex and women just love whatever crap they throw us? It takes SKILL to stay with one person sexually, learn what pleases them, admit that perhaps you aren't a sex god, and work at making things interesting. If you're bored, it's because you suck at it. If you tell people you have to cheat because you're bored, it's because you know you suck at it and are trying to run from it.
Well I wouldn't know if he's any good, but it makes me really angry when he's says stuff like this, like nothing takes trying or something!
How do you feel about polygons, JD?
HAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHA
When Mr. Devore said that it takes brutal honesty to make this type of relationship work, I'm sure few readers realized the real implications of this often cliche phrase. But its true, I have been in a relationship like this for well over two years and our relationship is as solid as ever. But it is that honesty thing that keeps it that way. She tells me everything I ask every date, time and naughty little detail. There are no secrets.
It takes a very mature and self aware person to be able to handle, let alone enjoy, this lifestyle but when rxy said in the long run she thought people can't REALLY be happy, I'm here to tell her that we can. I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with this women and though two years might not be that long, I suspect we will be enjoying each other's company and a few other people's for many years to come.
Oh my goodness! I agree 100% and I am a women, is currently with two people. Both know about each other, and we frequently spend our weekends hanging out (all 3 of us) watching movies, talking, cooking, having a drink or two. Your posting was very eloquent! I don't imagine anyone could have said that better. To many times people forget in thier fear of something or their "rightous" indignation that the more vehemently you are agianst something the more you secretly covet it.
I myself am in a polyamorous relationship and I can attest to the incredible amount of honesty it takes to maintain and enjoy an open relationship. Imagine being able to openly talk to your partner about your love life with them but also with other people and enjoy that, with no jealousy. Not everyone is capable and I know for sure I have my jealous moments. But, like Devore said, you create boundaries, rules, learn lessons and learn more about yourself then anyone. An open relationship is alive. It is a constantly changing and evolving organism.
I want to express my dislike for the idea that one cannot maintain a happy love life, or life period, while remaining in a polyamorous relationship. To those who say one can't love and be in an open relationship, I ask how you can put such a restricting rule on such an intanglible, immeasureable state. Love is not some feeling to be doled out in increments. It is not something you can wrap your hands around nor that you can weigh. There is no physicality to love and therefore no rules that can be applied to something so abstract and imperceptible. Perhaps you, as an individual cannot love more than one person, but I have the capability in my heart and am lucky enough to have found someone who gives me the freedom to do so.
And those who are with more than one person aren't necessarily doing so out of boredom. Have you ever heard the phrase, "If you're bored, then you're boring." Too explain it with analogy, why do people who love their city go on vacations? Because they want to explore, see something different and learn something new and bring that experience back with them. It doesn't mean they are bored with their city or that they're going to move. This can apply to lovers.
You can be as communicative about your wants and desires as possible but that's not going to change the fact that your partner is 5'6 and you want to see what it's like with someone 6'7. Perhaps you want to be with a woman...although your boyfriend may be able to put a dress on, it's not the real deal. That doesn't mean you love your boyfriend any less, it only means there are certain roles even the most open minded person can't play. If you're one of the lucky few who are in a strong enough relationship to do so, good for you. But if you're happy dreaming of Mister 6'7 while staying with 5'6, don't judge those of us who have found a way to be happy too.
It may not fit your definition, but it doesn't have too. It fits ours.
I am in a polyamorous relationship. Well, in theory, anyway. Neither of us really date other people (in the two years we've been together, I've dated two and slept with one, him, none). We're just not obligated to each other. I've had controlling, possessive boyfriends in the past and long ago decided that that wasn't for me. Now, because we aren't tied to each other, every time we see each other, it's special, and we don't take each other for granted. I know that when the weekend hits, he doesn't have to keep his calendar clear for me, but he makes time for me, not because he doesn't have other options, but because he prefers my company. And when I look back on our time together, I won't wonder what I might have missed out on because I was monogamous with one person; I'll know that I spent my time exactly how I wanted.
In my opinion it's not realy psychologicaly great for women either and there is a lot of jealousy and emotional problems qssociated with that