What do you think about women who are always going back to the same loser guy? My BFF's ex-BF (now an ex after 10 years together) turned into a dead-beat drunken loser in the past two years and they've broken up because of it. She USED to go back to him - ugh. Now she doesn't, but still says she would if he got better.
Mystery Man answered this question on
August 29, 2011 1:20 AM
They are total idiots.
This is one of the things that completely baffles me about some women. Have they no sense of pride or, in too many cases, simple self preservation?
Guys can change, sure, but usually don't unless they have to. A woman leaving them then boucing back to them is usually not motivation enough for change.
Although I thoroughly agree with your answer, MM, I think maybe the term "idiot" might be a little harsh in this particular case. I mean, a lot of them might be, but mostly I look at it as more of an addiction. Plenty of very intelligent folks have gotten hooked on drugs, and for some people, relationships are that drug. Some women just feel inadequate and that they can't stand on their own without a guy there to make them feel important.
I've noticed that there seem to be two types of these girls: the ones who keep going back to the SAME loser every time, and the ones who keep finding different losers in rapid succession to fill the void. Unfortunately, I've got friends that fit both categories. It makes me sad for them, because even at the green age of 20, I've realized that I don't need a guy to feel complete and happy. It's just the sort of thing that women need to figure out for themselves, though. I truly hope they all do one day.
oh, i read a really good quote during some work research on dating, along the lines of this whole cycle of picking the wrong guys thing. "women don't ATTRACT the wrong guys, they ACCEPT the wrong guys." bam. that was a lightbulb moment for me, it always goes back to never never never settling for less than what you deserve. if you ask for half a loaf, that's exactly what you're gonna get. the whole loaf is so worth waiting for.
The only friends I have who do this are guys. They always go back to the same loser, leech of a girlfriend after breaking up every couple of months. I definitely see it as a self-esteem problem, or just a need to be in a relationship, no matter who it's with.
Think of it like this, would you go on a second date with a total asshole? Say he called you an idiot or demeaned you or even if he hit you. Would you go out again? No. You would not.
These guys who are abusers are master manipulators. They could be anything from a sociopath to someone who was raised in an abusive home and this is all he knows or he's just in general an asshole. These guys start out one way and SLOWLY transform into something dark and sinister. The women who get involved with them see this slow transformation and believe it's their fault. Not knowing that this guy was on his best behavior at the beginning and then slowly started to show his true colors. Always testing her boundaries and seeing how much he can and cannot get away with.
It does not help that women in most societies are taught from infancy (Disney movies and all those fucking Princesses who get the Prince) that we need a man for validation. That we are somehow less than if we don't have a man. We are socialized to be the nurturers and the caretakers and to be there for everyone around us. So obviously, if her man is having these issues it's her fault and she needs to stick around to make it better. Is this true for everyone? No. But this is how it is in most cases.
Also, the psychology that goes into it is profound as well. Learned helplessness. If you've been stepped on enough times you learn to just stay down. Not to mention there are a lot of women out there who have a very valid belief that if she leaves her guy he will kill her. That has happened so many times. A woman finally gets the courage to leave and what happens? He finds her and then murders her. So the very valid fear of bodily harm and death will keep a woman around.
Also, isolation. Compounded if she has children. He controls her world. Cuts her off from friends and family. Controls where all the money goes including the money she earns if she's even allowed to work. He watches her every move.
As for going back after they get out of this situation? How many times have any of us been lured back into a relationship (be it romantic or not) only to be burned again by the person who swore they changed? I know I have. That is part of being human.
So MM, have a little more compassion about this. There's a whole lot that goes into domestic violence and it has nothing to do with being an idiot. Ignorant? Yes. Shortsighted? Yes. Duped? Yes. Stupid? No.