While I'm neither clairvoyant nor a middled-aged Black woman of questionable Caribbean descent who constantly tells people to "call me now!", I do have a flair for the obvious.
(By the way, what is the statute of limitations on actually using Miss Cleo references as a punchline? Has it passed? Has it? Why did I ask that question twice? Why did I ask that question twice? Hold me.)
This one?
Seems obvious.
I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say that what "he" means when he says he would like to both marry you AND live with you someday is that he'd like it very much if you all would split your bills down the middle and spend an exorbitant amount on a ceremony to show everybody you two REALLY like each other. Now remember, this is just a shot in the dark.
What I will bet is that he doesn't mean he'd like for you to stop calling him. And he never wants to see you naked again. I'm nearly positive that he doesn't mean that. But you should probably ask him.
Ladies, every now and then, us guys say exactly what we mean, and mean exactly what we say. Nothing is more straight forward than a straight forward statement. If a man tells you that he would like to marry you, then at that moment, that is exactly how he feels. It isn't like you asked him and he said yes. Anytime a man offers up statements like that of his own volition, then it is exactly how he feels at that moment.
Sometimes, a duck really is a duck.
It was written.
Miss Cleo is a tag?
She was weird.
If they are willing to admit they want to marry you and you aren't twisting their balls or holding a really good philly cheesesteak just out of reach, I think they mean it.
I think even if you're twisting our balls, some guys STILL would hold on out on the "m" word.
This may be a really naive comment, but generally, I take people for their word. And especially with something as huge as that--that's not really something a guy would say if he was only interested in sex, or was afraid of commitment. I think it shows he's really into you. The question then, is how into him are you?
Most men (there are exceptions, no doubt) have very strong opinions about words like 'Love', 'Marriage', and 'Living Together'. We don't casually throw them around to spice up the conversation. Any word that can change the dynamic of an entire relationship deserves to be treated with your utmost fear and respect, like it was highly explosive. So when you hear them from your man, you can be sure a lot of thought went into it. Unless, you know, he's the kind of guy that likes just blowing shit up.
B-I-N-GO
I don't understand why there would be a statute of limitations on Miss Cleo references...
Is there something I don't know? Has she died?
Jess, I think she got arrested for being a big Phoney McFakerson. She's not a psychic, and it turns out she's not even Jamaican!
Bev's right...but the other side of it is, Miss Cleo's heyday was at least 6 or 7 years ago at this point. I'm just wondering how long those jokes will have legit legs.
You've got at least another good 20 years of Miss Cleo references.
I think the wrong words in the question are being focused on. My concern would be "one day" and "someday". Those give me pause. I smell desperation. And, yes, this comes from my own experience.
I had been dating a guy long distance for about 6 months. I actually transferred within my company to his city. The day I moved, I drove through a blizzard to get there... white knuckles and sore muscles the whole way. It was so bad, I took an exit I wasn't supposed to because I couldn't see the road I was supposed to be on. My 11 hour trip took about 17 hours. I pulled into the driveway at about 4am, completely stressed out and wanting to just go to sleep. Oh, and it happened to be Christmas Eve morning now.
He had me open what I thought was a Christmas present even though I put up a fight about it since I hadn't shopped for him yet. (I was moving and preoccupied.) It was a bear, holding a diamond ring. I freaked out... and not in a good way. He just sat there, looking at me, expecting an answer. Dude, you never asked a question. How am I supposed to answer something that hasn't been asked? Plus, I was really hoping it was a bad dream. I had just moved in with him. We got along great... long distance. How were we supposed to know if we'd still get along after living in the same city, let alone in the same house?
I'm sure I was holding my breath. Finally, he stammers, "Well... will you marry me?" My very next thought was actually, "If I say no, do I have to move back?" Not a good sign. I didn't say anything. Then, after a very long pause, he adds, "...eventually?" We had talked about marriage, but not about actually getting married, so I said, "Eventually, yes." His desperation to hang onto me made me feel trapped. I wasn't in a financial position to move back and live on my own.
I can't really tell from the original question, so I would ask... Do you want to get married to him? If you're hesitating in any way, he might be using "one day" and "someday" because he knows you're way too good for him, could find someone better and just wants you to commit to him in some small way. If you want to marry him, using "one day" and "someday" is like emotional extortion. "I can't commit to you fully right now, but I don't want you to look elsewhere to find someone better." Then, years go by and you realize you could have and should have found someone better suited for you.
Sounds suspect to me. Good luck!
Those are some good questions and things to think about there, homeskillet. And you're right, depending on the way ole girl asked the question truly determines the answer.
I just have to say that the whole Miss Cleo/asking question twice/hold me thing really made me laugh. Thank you for that.
Oh, and yeah - the dude is definitely into you if he mentions both co-habitation and marriage. Yay, you!!
Glad I could make you laugh! Chamone...
So... I'm the girl that asked the original question! I most def. want to marry him, are relationship has had some things to overcome and we did it successfully. Everything we have and will go through has made me love him more. The words that I probably should have capitalized, italisized, and bold were in fact SOMEDAY AND ONEDAY. Here's where everything gets complicated, if those words are some way of just "telling me what I want to hear" then i have a major problem. I have a son who is starting to get very attached to him and he has two kids as well. It's not just us in this relationship and I want to make sure that he is really thinking of a future with me... those words make me question it.
Well a lot of this depends on how long you all have been dating. Is it a couple of months or a couple of years.
And frankly, the best way to really address that is to ask him straight up. You can't worry about pushing him away. If he said it, he should be able to explain to you what he means by that. Of course, you don't want to force the issue, but its clearly very important for you to make sure you are both on the same page and that will only happen by talking to him about it.
This is how the whole topic came up, I asked him about it. After he answered with those uncertain words I didn't want to keep pushing it. We've been together a year so it's more then a couple of months but not years. I'm not saying that i want to get married tomorrow but it's def. something that i need to know he's thinking about and not something that's lingering somewhere in the back of his mind. So then I guess the next question is do I bring it up again? I'm afraid if I do that it will be like i'm beating a dead horse.
Those words are only uncertain b/c they're not specific. From where I'm sitting, he said he wants to marry you and live with you, just not yet. Now I'm guessing that's the part you're concerned about b/c you're wondering what has to change to make that more of a definitive thing.
A lot of this comes down to knowing your dude. Do you think he's the type to just say what you want to hear to shut you up? None of us would know that. Or is he sincere. In that conversation was he willing to answer the questions you had or was he very standoffish about the conversation as a whole. Now that we have more context of the question, it sounds like you asked him about marriage and he answered your question, except he didnt' "talk" about marriage but just said, "one day...etc.
What you ultimately need to determine is whether or not you two are on the same page. You say that you don't need to get married tomorrow, however I get the impression that you'd like to know why you won't be getting married tomorrow. You're concern is that maybe he just said that to quiet you and really isn't thinking of you in that manner at all. And all of this is conversation fodder. They might be ugly convos (trust me, I've had them with my girl, and continue having them) but they have to happen.
My guess is that he's thought about marriage to you but no man likes to be pressured or forced into making a decision. We like to come to our own conclusions and make the decision of our own volition. But you have a right to wonder what's going on. However, if his answer didn't suffice for you (it's not definitive like saying "next Tuesday" but it does indicate an intended future), you need to figure out why it doesn't and then address that issue first. Is it because you think he has doubts about you? Do you think he even wants to get married (no matter what he said)?
There are a lot of possible questions to delve into and you need to think about your concerns before you just go into a convo without any real purpose except finding out if he really means it.
I have had the same problem and i have to keep asking myself if i'm not ready yet then what am i asking for exactly? Is it a date or a time? If he would have asked me, i couldn't have given a time to him or i would have simply said yes, but not right now. So I looked at the situation as it was: Am I happy with him right now as it is? Would knowing that all to important date and time change how i truly feel? Is he worth the time i would have wasted if 5 years passed and he finally says he loves me but still can't be married yet? My answer is that he is worth the risk. I have made my mind up to be with him lol and he wasn't ready for marriage yet when i met him but still i love him. It's not because he will marry me it is because of who he is to me.
Beat the shit out of that dead horse. Keep asking until you get an answer. In my opinion...never say something out loud to someone, and not be prepared for rebuttal. Especially if it involves the M word. If he's telling you he wants to marry you someday...but he doesn't know when "someday" is...then to me, it sounds fishy. I'm not saying his answer needs to be time-specific as in "5 months" or "1 year and 7 days"...but, he's gotta have a ballpark estimate. And if he doesn't have a ballpark estimate...then why even say it in the first place? That's like telling a little kid you're going to take them to the circus and not expecting them to ask "when?!" and then continuously asking UNTIL you finally take them. People need to be more prepared before they say things like that, especially if it involves something requiring a commitment such as marriage. He could have avoided the need for a time-frame by just sticking with "I can see myself being with you for a long time", or "you're the kind of girl I see myself marrying."
It sounds like the message she is getting from him is abiguous rather than obfuscatory - which indicates intention.
It doesn't sound to me that he is intentionally trying to create a dilemma, and Mr. Jackson's advice is astute, and what the questioner should take to heart. A simple, relaxed conversation is probably the best way to handle the diffusion of confusion. Word-up!
"beat that dead horse'?
-fuck!- where is your head?!
That's insane.
I didn't mean to beat the dead horse as in "be relentless." No need to get literal. I just mean, don't feel bothersome by asking until you get SOME kind of answer.
Alright then.
It did sound as if you were suggesting relentlessness.
Pushing the issue, injecting suspicion (i.e. "sounds fishy") is less than constructive, in my opinion. It just sounds like her guy wasn't sure of the definitive answer, but through the perceived ambiguity, his answer was positive. That is important to remember.
Again, I think Mr. Jackson's answers were what the questioner needed to hear.
Sorry I got harsh.
I did before to someone else and felt bad for that too. Sorry.
I'll be cool.
ok... umm ppl from the Carib DONT rly talk like that.. (i know, i live in da Carib) & i'm still iffy on that. i had a guy bring it up SEVERAL times n when i finally said that i would, he broke my heart. so maybe guys r'nt as clear as we'd like to think they are (hence this site)
So I have been dating this guy for almost 9 months now. at the beginning of our relationship he was willing to talk about marriage, kids, and our future. Now he doesn't. He says that's a long ways away, and he wants to live in the now. and just this morning he said he wasn't sure if he want's to marry me. could it be because it has not been quite a year yet? do i need to give him more time? could our ages play into this some how? I'm 18, he is 17. should i end it, or wait for him to change his mind?
18 & 17? Are you really serious about this?
At the time you started dating him, he would've been about 16 years old, e.g just old enough to drive. I'm not sure that anyone that age is necessarily ready to commit to life-long decisions.
It's a small wonder that he says it's a long ways away now, because it is; while 18 is technically old enough to get married, I believe, most people tend to hold out until their early to mid-twenties.
Even if he was to marry you (as soon as it was legal), I'm not sure it would be at all practical. Unless one of you happens to be a prodigy in some high-paying field like music or professional sports, you wouldn't have enough money to support yourselves, and unless you're geniuses, you wouldn't have even been able to go through college yet.
Your teenage years are when you scout the market, get a handle for what it'll take, and get some information on who you might like in the long-term. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with dating, if it's done responsibly, but expecting wedding bells at the same time your desired target graduates high school is definitely a bit much.
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