You ask a very good question and a very difficult one to answer. When somebody cheats on us and we decide to take them back we are saying that we forgive their act and will do our best to not let that get in the way of our progress. It does not mean that you are required to forget it happened.
I think the only way to heal is with time. And open dialogue. While you can't beat him over the head with it every time you get upset about the fact that he cheated (as that's not really forgiveness), you do have the right to let him know how hurt you were by it. A lot of people who get in trouble think that you talk about something once and that's it. They believe that if you bring something up again then you truly arent over it and you'll never forgive them. It's human nature to want to move on past something we've done wrong as quickly as possible. But it is unfair to expect somebody we wronged to never mention it again.
So I say that the best way is to probably just take some time to yourself when need be and really make sure that you are okay with being with somebody who hurt you as much as he did. If after thinking and reflecting, you are, then you keep moving forward until the next time. There are no statutes of limitations on how long you can feel some kind of way about anything. Take the time you need.
Also, make sure that he's doing what he needs to be doing to show you that you can indeed trust him again. While healing is often a personal thing, when it comes to being wronged by another it is alright to expect them to make changes that would show you their intent on being faithtul.
It's not an easy situation, but it is one that many people have dealt with and moved on from. Maybe you can; maybe you can't. Only time will tell.
Wow, that was such a great, well thought out answer.
Personally, I found healing and forgiveness involved accepting that we are all human, knowing what my expectations were, knowing what my triggers were, and talking through things. You could talk to your partner about it but they may be defensive or feel then you aren't 'over it'. I would suggest a psychologist.
I was in the same situation as you very recently, except that i broke up with my bf and refused to take him back. Even though sometimes, i let all the good memories overcome me and wonder if i should go back with him, i know that i will not be able to trust him again. I know it'll hurt so much more by staying with him because the flash memories will be constant.
That's how i dealt with my situation. However, you chose a different path, and i think you should really take time and think it through. If you still want to be with him, then it's worth working on your healing process. You will never forget, that's for sure, but you can learn to live with it and be happy again with him.
My best luck and courage to you.
God, I love the readers at this site. Look how supportive and thoughtful people are! I already found DareDream's Q and HAD to give her an A for it. It's interesting to see both sides of the coin...
I can't speak from experience, because to my knowledge I haven't been cheated on, but it is part of what caused my parents to divorce, and this is what my mom has told me/I observed about healing:
1) Time. No matter what introspection you do, the key component to moving on always will be time.
2) Without open communication and willingness to heal and grow from both people, working as partners in the process, it will not happen. My mom said she could have forgiven my dad's infidelity, but that she was unable to because he continued to lie and shut her out; if he had shown a willingness to communicate and work with her, she would have been able to forgive, heal, and stay in the marriage.
3) I don't think it ever entirely goes away. I think it can be reduced, perhaps greatly, maybe even to the point where you can make sardonic remarks about it, but you can't erase a memory so you will have to adjust to the idea of always knowing that it happened.
If you are serious about still wanting to make the relationship work, then you need to evaluate some things:
1) What are your reasons for staying? (Just do a very honest self-check-in and take a look at your self esteem and self respect)
2) What do you need from him that will help you to heal? (I think Panama is right in that you absolutely have the prerogative to expect that he be willing to put reparations into action. Figure out what your IDEAL demands would be, and then assess which of them are reasonable and talk to him about it)
3) Is he willing to do the time since he did the crime? (You can't heal all by yourself and stay with him, I just don't see how it's possible. You will need his help and reassurance [in more than just his words!!!!] to know that you can still have a healthy relationship.)
4) Do you have the foundation of communication in your relationship that will allow for the healing process to begin? Can you create it?
5) Will the painful process of healing and re-learning to trust be worth the sweat and tears?
I wish you so, so, so much luck. You must be very courageous- I think I would not be able to trust again. Forgiveness though- that's definitely a must for personal healing and moving on, whether you stay or not.
Keep your head high and make the choices and decisions that will ultimately make you happiest!
I was/sort of still am in this situation. My boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me w/ 3 different girls and I took him back. I stayed because he was my best friend in the world and I thought we were so close. Also, the fact that he cheated at all was the final blow to my self esteem. I'm still not 100% sure taking him back was the right choice, but...
Is your man actually being apologetic? One of the things that prevented my healing was that my boyfriend acted like he didn't do anything wrong in the beginning. The day I found out, he boarded a plane and didn't talk to me for a week. Then when finally came back from his vacation, he yelled at me for what a "huge bitch" I was being. It took a long time for him to realize what he did was so so wrong, and I think I never would have been able to heal if he has never realized it.
One thing we did was counseling. It helped us not only deal with the cheating, but the underlying issues in our relationship that may have lead to him cheating. This step definitely helped in strengthening our bond again and making me feel better about the situation since I could clearly see he was making an effort to become a better person.
Time heals, as cliche as it is. I first learned about the cheating in June of this year... its almost November right now, and I still think about it sometimes and it still hurts. However, I can see the progress I've made. For the first couple of months, it was ALL I could think about, and it drove me crazy. I cried almost every day. Recently however, I think there are days that I've gone without thinking about it at all... and while it still hurts, its not the intense pain that it was before.
You will always remember what he did, especially in times of stress. There will always be things that remind you of what he did (ex. for me, i'll never be able to watch the movie Benjamin Button) and unfortunately, you're going to notice that you can NOT avoid the topic of cheating in the media (news, TV shows, music... the subject is everywhere.)
It will take a long time but eventually it will get better. It will never be completely the same but if you're serious about sticking with him (and he's serious about being with you) then you should use what happened as a chance to make your relationship even stronger than before. As the relationship gets better and stronger, I promise that you will feel better and stronger as well.
I'm in the same boat. Girl's BFF is correct; we can't beat them over the head constantly if we've agreed to give them another chance. We can, however, express our hurt and anger in an effective way. It takes a long time to heal. For me, I found out about my husband's affair, which occurred at the end of 2005 for 6 months, last year. Some days I feel like we're moving passed it. Our marriage and communication have never been better and our love for each other has never been deeper, but, other days, I feel the intense pain of what he did. If his remorse is genuine and you both do the work, you can get beyond it. Counseling is a must. Best of luck and God bless!
My bf (48) of four months has been cheating on me from the beginning. When I first met him he said he was on the dating scene but did not have a gf. We went full speed ahead. I introduced him to my parents on the third date. After 3 weeks I asked him if he was my boyfriend and he said yes.
I kept our schedules busy with activities for our off hours, I kept the social calender full. He even changed his Facebook status to 'in a relationship'.
He had been single for 10 years and had a few really attractive and younger gals on his Facebook that made me feel a little insecure. So I made sure to post plenty of things on his wall to be sure they knew he was my guy now.
Then I started suspect that he had hooked up with a former lover. I confronted him and he confessed that he had seen her sexually and the stayed in touch. He said he was sorry and gave me his email and Facebook passwords. I didn't trust that he told me all there was to know so I sent the other woman an email in an effort to gain more information and I signed his name. I think she caught on that it was be because she didn't bite. I don't know if she told my boyfriend or not. He hasn't mentioned it, but he promised not to have anymore contact with her and he deleted her of his Facebook.
So who does he love or care for more me his real girlfriend or her, secret lover of a year or so? I don't know if I can trust him.