Great question. Let's start with some wrong ways.
He says, "Would you like to go out with me?" Don't say:
"Ew."
"Why?"
"I'd rather shoot myself in the f**king face."
"Aren't you gay?"
"Die."
The right way? Be direct but polite: "I'm flattered, but no, thank you." If you feel like giving a reason, you can, even if it's a white lie: "Thanks, I'm flattered, but I'm seeing someone." But you are not obligated to do so.
The humane thing is not to lead the poor schmo on if you know you aren't interested. If he asks you out for Friday night and you say you have plans, he might ask you out for Saturday night instead, thinking the only problem is a scheduling conflict. So make it clear that you aren't interested in going out with him on any night. Except don't say that.
Best to go ahead and stick the dagger straight into his heart and make it a quick death. He won't realize it at the time, but you're doing him a favor.
I did the gay comment. I still feel bad about it. I really did think he was gay.
Then no one can blame you. Honest mistake.
I was once so surprised when a guy asked me out that I accidentally laughed. I mean, he went about it the wrong way in several ways, but still. Laughter is not the appropriate way to let a guy down.
Oops. I hope he didn't go jump off a bridge.
Ah, Cary. Always tactful.
Fortunately not. I suspect the most dramatic thing he did afterward was whine to his WOW friends, which was one of the reasons we wouldn't have worked in the first place (Another reason: I had known him for about a year, and during that time I made no secret of the fact that I disliked him).
I never get asked out, so when it happened (wasn't looking to date anyone at the time), on my way to my car at the mall, I said "Sorry, but I'm seeing someone right now" and he said "so? we can get to know each other in the meantime", which I thought was a little character-telling/shady and I replied "I'm not comfortable with that..besides, I'm faithful." No joke, as if to impress me, or lack of something better to say, he responds with a "I go to El Camino" which is a community college in my neighborhood. No offense to JCs but I had to laugh by this point so I turned and walked away. I felt bad but I totally did not know what else to say.
HA! "Die" reminded me of a girl I knew in college who once said, "Why don't you go somewhere and die, you gravy-sucking pig," to a guy who asked her out.
In her defense, he had tried asking her out many times before that always with her declining his offer. She started out with polite no thank yous, but he kept it up and turned it into a joke asking her out every time he saw her anywhere. She finally had enough, I guess, and wanted to make things perfectly clear to him. It worked. He stopped. =)
Some guys can't take a hint, even when it's no longer a hint. Then they turn defiant and stalker-ish and deserve whatever wrath they get.
"Gravy-sucking pig" -- a wonderful word picture, that. Although, who can blame a pig? Gravy is good stuff.
Thanks for the comment, D.
yes. Yes. YES!
Thank you, Cary! This is one of my pet peeves. I hate the "I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'll just lead you on" coddling. Tell me, "No, thanks," please!
Reminds me of a sweet gag from the Norm show:
Arty: So, you wanna go out sometime?
Pretty Girl: Sorry, you're not my type.
Arty: What's your type?
Pretty Girl: Not fat.
Arty: Ah, ok. That's cool. You know, to be honest, for a while there I thought you were a dude.
But yeah, the 'right' way is to not be a dick about it. Most people will be thankful you didn't make fun of them.
I have made the mistake of not letting a guy know that I was not at all interested in them. It started as just a casual occasional conversation, but he ended up asking me out almost every day, and I always claimed I was busy. This went on for about two months and got really, really creepy, as he found out my phone number and my address. One day he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, and I declined, and he cried. It was horrible.
The guy that was in charge of repairing the floor in my building's lobby asked me out after catching a feather that fell right in front of me. He was from Russia and said it was a sign of good luck and true love. He was also old enough to be my father. I'm awkward at the best of times and he caught me off guard. I think I repeated and rotated "oh... thank you...I mean, no but, thank you, but no..." about 5 times before I had to excuse myself and hurry into the elevator because I felt like such an ass.
I don't get hit on or asked out very often (mostly because of previously mentioned awkwardness) so when it happens and I'm not interested, I get more embarrassed about having to say no than anything else. I agree that you shouldn't lead anyone on, but it can be really difficult to say no when someone is brave enough to put themselves out there like that.
If he'd been a little bit younger, that would have been cute though, no?
I agree, being led on is so much worse than being let down.
Some guys really don't get a clue. One of my friends decided he liked me and continued to ask me out on dates from freshman year to junior year. It was extremely uncomfortable, especially since I always said, "I'm sorry, but I only think of you as a friend so no."
I wish I had all the "Don't Say" answers available when I needed them. Though I made it clear enough for the creep and now I don't think he'll ask again. If he does, now I have "I'd rather shoot myself in the f**king face" to answer back.
I have found a simple phrase structure (with two variations) that works very well for me:
"Thank you, but I am happily taken." ... or... "Thank you, but I'm not looking to date right now."
I find it terrible that some women use the opportunity of a man expressing his interest to hurt, terrorize, or demean them. It really just makes you look like a bitch nobody wants to go near, not like you're so amazingly incredibly hot and in demand.
No matter who the guy is, what he looks like, or how he asks me, I am always polite and honest. It's very sweet and flattering thing for a man to request your phone number or a date, and a lady should treat that man with respect -- and leave his dignity unscarred.
I dont know if you are telling people to use those two "methods" or not. But as a guy that just got fed the "Im not looking to date right now" line, I would much rather have been told "no, get the hell away from me" than a bullshit line like that. I font know if I speak for all guys, but after being led on by said girl I really didnt want to hear that.
I had a guy ask me out once, I guess he didn't notice my wedding ring.
When he asked me, I said, "I'd love to, but I don't think my husband would like it much."
He laughed.
okay, i really do need help with this issue! you see, some guy asked me out not knowing how young I was and i of course told him which made the incident so much more ackward and I was just getting over the fact that i probably tore his heart out and now i find out that I have to see him again because i have a meeting at the place where he works! I know, horrible right? what do i say to him, I'm sure he didn't mean to ask an adolescent out, but what do i do?
okay, i very much need help with this issue! Some guy asked me out not knowing that i was so young and i of course had to tell him which made the situation that much more ackward. I recently found out that i will have to see him again and i'm not quite sure what to say or do because that was our only meeting. I'm sure he didn't mean to ask someone that much younger out, but what do i do or say? oh, i said no to his ask out! I do feel bad about breaking his heart though!
just tell him your gay and tell him not to tell anyone else cuz its kinda private.
So, I had this freshman walk up to me today and asked me if I like him. I was up front and said no and he said that that was disappionting. keep in mind, I'm a Junior... he asked why and I said, because your a freshman, he said that he was supposed to be a jr. too but that's beside the point. Now I feel bad and i have no clue what to do...
Yeah, I used to know a really perverted guy. For a while he would call me hot, and then asked me out. I REALLY hated the guy. I just had a nervous laugh, so he started laughing and I just said no. His laughing stopped, and he walked away upset. I'm never gonna make that mistake again.
I have to say that for the past few of hours i have been hooked by the amazing articles on this site. Keep up the great work.