You need to reveal you have a son from the get go. That you have a ten month old son is too big a detail to keep from a potential partner. Stop wasting everybody's time and be up front about it. That can be a real dealbreaker of a surprise. Depending on how many dates it takes until you "reveal" your son, I'd say this could border on dishonesty.
That said, I believe that single mothers like yourself deserve a generous slice of make out cake. And there are plenty of guys out there who wouldn't be scared off by your kid. In fact, there are men out there who would embrace your newborn love critter.
But in order to find these guys, you need two things: a commitment to full disclosure, no matter how difficult or awkward that might be. And you need cast iron nerves.
What do you want from the early stages of a relationship? You need to be able to look a date in the eyes and say, "I have a son. He is my number one priority. I like you. So let's take this slow and see what happens, okay?" I think a number of the guys who haven't called you back are afraid you're on the hunt for a father for your son. To them, you look like a giant testicle bear trap. I know this isn't so. You just want to be accepted for who you are.
So be fun and up front. It's only as big a deal as you make it.
As for cast iron nerves. One of the most important lessons I ever learned about dating, I learned selling comedy tickets on the streets of New York City. It's a hell of a story. I'll tell it to you one day. But here's what I learned: in order to make a sale, I had to get rejected 80% of the time. For every 8 people who said "no" to my sales pitch, two would say "yes." Every "no" got me closer to a "yes." Because I knew, for a fact, that I would be successful 20% of the time.
Dating is a numbers game. Every bad date drags you closer to a date where you will click with someone. Selling comedy tickets on the street and romance have one thing in common: failure is the path to success. Be fearless. Embrace it. Don't give up.
That would be really hard for me to hide the fact that I have a 14 month old since he's always with me & everyone practically knows who I am (since my ex is well known). Most guys don't know how to approach me (I'm not sure if they find me intimidating or what). When I say I'm single, they back off.. they think I'm a lesbian. I'm not.
I can totally relate! Once guys find out I have a 7 year old, they run before I can tell them that I'm not looking for a father for her, she has a father. Sometimes I think I would have better luck with a single father or something.
I love John's sales comparison, because it's true. More important is his first line...You need to reveal you have a son from the get go. My wife was never secretive about having kids from her first marriage, and I have two wonderful stepdaughters who've been part of my life for nearly 11 years. However, if we'd started dating, and she never explained why she could only go to dinner every other week, or suddenly she just showed up six months into a relationship with kids, I'd run. Not because I didn't want kids, not because I don't love kids, but if she hadn't trusted me with that kind of life-changing demographic information, I'd have been blindsided. And nobody likes that.
I usually tell the guy around date 3-4. The reason I haven't been saying anything sooner is my girlfriends and my mom said I shouldn''t. I want to be honest but I don't want to be disqualified before I even have a chance to play the game!
I usually tell them around date 3-4. The reason I don't tell them on date one is my mom and girlfriends told me to pretend I was a single woman with no responsibilities. I want to be honest with guys but I don't want to be disqualified before I even have a chance to play the game!
WOW! Did I write this in? LOL! No that's right I have a 5 year old! I think we single mothers need to realize there are a whole set of DIFFERENT rules when it comes to dating us. Once we can own up to that it'll be a lot easier to grow thicker skin.
Most people in general know about my boy from the get go. And if they reveal they aren't ready for a kid I simply tell them, "Hey, I'm not looking for him a daddy. He has a dad. I'm looking for someone for me, who can accept I come as a packaged deal. If you're not ready for that, there's the door."
My boy hasn't met any of my potentials, who were brave enough to stick it out with me.
**Side note: Except for 2: one is because I work w/ him, and my boy is here a lot, but didn't meet him as mom's "friend". Just my co-worker. And I didn't single him out when my boy wanted to play with them. (they're a bunch of firefighters and just a bunch of 5 year old's disguised as 30 year olds...LOL!) - and another because he was one of his dad's friends before we started seeing eachother. But it didn't go any further than a couple of dates.
They understood and were okay with that. 2 of them were interested enough to ask about him, which I thought was great. But as I stated in a previous post: "Any guy privelaged enough to meet my boy better be ready to marry me."
I am not a single mom but I have a 6 month old and it's interesting how differently I am treated by guys now when I'm with her. It is a scary thing to some men, but not all. And you have to realize, it's not just about you having a kid but that they know there is a father out there somewhere and that could lead to drama. I do know guys who are very committed to women with small children and also, there are guys out there who have children too and they obviously are going to be more understanding.
Honesty is always best! Never pretend to be without the responsiability of a child if you have one. If you're telling and acting like you don't and 3-4 dates later tell them that alone could make a guy run. Assuming it's about 1 date a week you're waiting roughly a month to tell them this vital info. Well within that time you're living a lie to them by acting single so they may start thinking your biggest thing to care for is maybe a pet or making sure plants at your place are watered before you go out for the day. Well you then blindside them with the whole kid thing and yeah they will run far away because they suddenly have this dropped into their laps after approx a month.
Seriously you'll have better luck by saying something about the kid within the first date/week. Some guys will be scared away because they won't know from that how involved 'daddy' is in your life, or that you're wanting them to play daddy with a kid not theirs. But if you kindly explain things to them eventually you will find guys who will stick it out. And do let them know when you tell them about your son that you won't be rushing them to meet him but that you felt it's better to tell them rather than dropping it on em later, many will be grateful for that alone to maybe go for some more dates.
Just flip this around. Pretend your the one who never had a kid meet this great guy who as far as you can tell is single with no children at all. Things are going great you want to move into a new direction with him but then BAM you get the info he has a child of his own to care about. How would you feel if that happened? All of a sudden they tell you some length of time later about the kid, wouldn't you feel bombarded with questions about the mom, what he is expecting out of you, and the fact he couldn't be upfront and tell you early? Those are most likely the feelings those guys feel and if it were me I'd run too.
I was a single father for a long time, met my wife who had 2 children from a previous marriage. It's worked out great for us.
The "right" guy won't care that you have children... in fact, the right guy will love you and your child. Not that he has to be the father, but you can't help but have love for the child of the person you're in love with.
Just by default, you care about the things your wife/husband/partner cares about. Now I'm rambling.
But I hope I made sense.
I am a single mom of a 41/2 year old boy...I never have any problem finding guys that want to date me... no offense but alot of guys will use your kid as an excuse cuz they dont like you.... that's their issue and I say "screw'em".
From another guys perspective, some of us guys just aren't ready for kids/ just don't want any. It's nothing against single mothers, it's just for some of us we don't want to deal with kids. Personally I don't like children and having one would be a major turn off. I doubt many of the guys that have run are like that, but there are some of us out there that just don't deal well with small people.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I loved your post. I'm an attractive single mom with my act together... and the men have been running from my single parent news. I just gotta keep tryin. You rock.