This is an interesting (and timely) question. I was wondering the same thing when I watched Oscar winner Mo'Nique discuss her open marriage on the Barbara Walters special. While open marriages seem to be pretty common these days, you rarely see a public figure discussing them with such honesty. (Usually, celebrity "open marriages" are of the secret and one-sided variety.)
Here's Mo'Nique's take:
"If sex happens with another person, that's not a deal breaker for us, that's not something where we'll say, 'Oh my God, we've got to go to divorce court, and you cheated on me.' Because we don't cheat."
Hey, different strokes for different folks. The world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You get the idea. But Mo'Nique's outlook does bring up an interesting question: Is it cheating if the other person is messing around too? Some people would think so. Some people think that if you are "married," and sleep with someone outside of that marriage, you are cheating. I don't agree, but many people think that an open marriage isn't a real marriage. To me, if a marriage involves love, communication, and trust, it works. Plus, it's none of my business. As long as you aren't marrying farm animals, go forth, I say.
But you asked for my definition of an open marriage. My take is that you are married, with all that entails, but you can f--k other people. Either separately, or maybe together if that's your thing. And that is... basically it. Am I wrong here? Is there more to it? If there is more to it, if you have, say, two women in your life who act as your wife, it kind of stops being open marriage and starts being the show Big Love.
It seems to me that being in an open marriage requires two things. One: A serious lack of jealousy issues. You both understand that it's just sex, and the person you come home to is the one you truly love. Two: a ton of condoms. If I were in an open marriage, or an open relationship, I would make sure I was super safe and would hope my wife or girlfriend would do the same. I can imagine that nothing kills an open marriage faster than a STD or an unwanted pregnancy.
Many open marriages are the result of one (or both) parties being bisexual. Maybe you fall for a man, but still want to sleep with women. And maybe your husband is okay with that, so you start an open marriage. And, look, sometimes you love somebody, and want to spend the rest of your life with them, but you don't want them to be the only person you ever sleep with. Who is to say we should just be with one person? Look at all the infidelity out there. Maybe folks in open marriages are on to something. At least they're being honest with each other and not sneaking around.
I'm going to turn this over to you guys now because, to be honest, I have never met anyone in an open marriage and most of my understanding comes from an awesome episode of MTV's True Life on the subject that I saw many years ago. Are you in an open marriage? Do you know anyone in an open marriage? How do you make it work? Also, and this is something I have thought about before...What if you loved someone so much that you would go along with being in an open marriage just to be with them? Now that would be one seriously heartbreaking drama. Cast Ryan Gosling and Zooey Deschanel, and watch the Oscars roll in.
Here's Mo'Nique's take:
"If sex happens with another person, that's not a deal breaker for us, that's not something where we'll say, 'Oh my God, we've got to go to divorce court, and you cheated on me.' Because we don't cheat."
Hey, different strokes for different folks. The world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You get the idea. But Mo'Nique's outlook does bring up an interesting question: Is it cheating if the other person is messing around too? Some people would think so. Some people think that if you are "married," and sleep with someone outside of that marriage, you are cheating. I don't agree, but many people think that an open marriage isn't a real marriage. To me, if a marriage involves love, communication, and trust, it works. Plus, it's none of my business. As long as you aren't marrying farm animals, go forth, I say.
But you asked for my definition of an open marriage. My take is that you are married, with all that entails, but you can f--k other people. Either separately, or maybe together if that's your thing. And that is... basically it. Am I wrong here? Is there more to it? If there is more to it, if you have, say, two women in your life who act as your wife, it kind of stops being open marriage and starts being the show Big Love.
It seems to me that being in an open marriage requires two things. One: A serious lack of jealousy issues. You both understand that it's just sex, and the person you come home to is the one you truly love. Two: a ton of condoms. If I were in an open marriage, or an open relationship, I would make sure I was super safe and would hope my wife or girlfriend would do the same. I can imagine that nothing kills an open marriage faster than a STD or an unwanted pregnancy.
Many open marriages are the result of one (or both) parties being bisexual. Maybe you fall for a man, but still want to sleep with women. And maybe your husband is okay with that, so you start an open marriage. And, look, sometimes you love somebody, and want to spend the rest of your life with them, but you don't want them to be the only person you ever sleep with. Who is to say we should just be with one person? Look at all the infidelity out there. Maybe folks in open marriages are on to something. At least they're being honest with each other and not sneaking around.
I'm going to turn this over to you guys now because, to be honest, I have never met anyone in an open marriage and most of my understanding comes from an awesome episode of MTV's True Life on the subject that I saw many years ago. Are you in an open marriage? Do you know anyone in an open marriage? How do you make it work? Also, and this is something I have thought about before...What if you loved someone so much that you would go along with being in an open marriage just to be with them? Now that would be one seriously heartbreaking drama. Cast Ryan Gosling and Zooey Deschanel, and watch the Oscars roll in.
I honestly think that's the best way to go about stuff. Humans are NOT monogomous creatures. In regards to human sexuality we are very much like our Bonobo cousins. The apes who LOVE TO FUCK. All the time, with everyone and everything. Go Bonobos!
The jealousy arrives when we think that we will lose what we have. But if you both truly love and are devoted to each other, then having sex with another person won't change that.
Wolves and penguins are monogomous. Do I look like a penguin? Or a wolf? (I'd like to be a wolf, they are pretty badass).
My parents have been married for 30 years and I know for a fact that they have slept with other people. Yet they are still together and are obviously still in love. It can be done. If anything, it's hell of a lot more healthy than the other way.
What you said is really interesting. But how can it be "a lot more healthy" when Nick says it requires two things, which I think involves emotional stress and STD. I'm not against it, actually I would like to consider it.
Interesting. I don't think I could do it, but interesting. I agree that it takes two very strong people, who are confident in their marriage and do not let jealousy get in the way.
"If there is more to it, if you have, say, two women in your life who act as your wife, it kind of stops being open marriage and starts being the show Big Love."
It starts being polyamory - I know people who have been in polyamorous relationships, and their point was that they considered themselves committed to more than one person (beyond the sex) - and, in a few cases I know of, all members of the group were committed to all members of the group (though I don't think that's standard).
But yes, my understanding is that open marriage is as you described, and the line between open relationships and polyamory is the committment factor. In open-whatever, your committment is still to one primary party, whereas in polyamory your committment itself is also spread out.
I think it takes very emotionally sound and strong individuals to make an open relationship work. There needs to be a lot of communication, ground rules, and trust, even more than a monogamous relationship. I've known people in open relationships/marriages and while it may be out of our societal norm, it is possible to succeed. Each relationship is different, some people want to know details, to meet the other person, others don't want to know anything, don't want it in their home, it could be more than sex, it could be the emotional bond.
I have been seeing a guy openly for the last few months. I've found that our relationship is something that I'm still new to and learning every day about.We've put some rules in place that weren't there before because it was getting frustrating for me. I think that could be said about ANY relationship, it evolves, non-verbal contracts become communicated, you learn and grow with a person to try and find something you're both happy with. I've just decided to go with it until I can't go with it anymore, and if something better presents itself, well then that's the risk of our relationship being open.
In the end I don't think being in an open relationship will work for me. I really do crave stability and building a future with someone. While it's certainly possible to do that in an open marriage it doesn't feel as secure as I guess I need it to be. I also am more concerned about the emotional bond that could be created with that other person. Sex can be just sex, but to develop an emotional pairing with someone else would probably hurt me. But I never want to say I didn't give something a chance, how else are we supposed to grow and learn about ourselves?
Just would like to know if you have any idea where or what culture started this "open marriages" and are still doing it. In our country, we don't usually entertain this. But if I would know someone from other nations, I really would like to have a knowledge if they are used to "open marriages". Actually, I have posted before regarding one guy I have a relation with. He admitted having oral sex with his friend but says it was nothing. And if we marry, he says he might do it again whenever I'm not around. Seems it's usual to them.
I think there are some tribes in africa or some part of the world where it's all hot and looking at it makes you think of bugs and being too sweaty that practice this.
Most of these tribes I understand do pick someone to marry and partner up with forever in terms of marrying and all that goes with it. But they also have open sex lives and can go play house with the next door neighbor if they wanted but the only offspring offically considered theirs are from the wife/husband which is why they marry is to have children that are seen as theirs I think. I think the reason they marry is if they are a tribe that passes down family things or roles like becoming chief they have, for lack of a better term, 'legal' offspring that can assume such things and carry on all of that.
As for the kids that are born out of marriages? They are seen as members of the community as well and even the parent who helped make them helps out but they just can't become things like chief or whatever since they aren't 'legal' so to speak. But all in all the tribes like that do well in raising their children to assume helpful roles for everyone. And they can be married and such too, it also just helps to keep the tribes numbers up.
lol the comparison I had was like meerkats XD Think of it like this you have the aplha mates in which they are the only ones who can have babies but yet other members may also have babies but have higher chances of those babies not um work out. Will no matter how many babies are born and by whom eventually the group gets too big and some of it branches off for themselves and therefore new roles of who becomes alpha and all that changes. In the end meerkats are a good example I guess because they too do community raising of the pups to help them learn and assume roles within the family.
I just think it ends up with how our own society does and views things. Remember back in the victorian ages women weren't allowed to enjoy sex but only lie back and think of how is makes the hubby happy and if you get preggers the good of the country. Now we have phonelines for dirty talk or help. This website here to ask questions that'd make our dear sweet greatx20 (i'm just guessing at a number) grandma blush bright red to hear it come out of our mouths let alone asked so publicly. Slowly and surely USA is loosening it's ideas on sex but I agree with a previous question Nick (i think) answered and that's with how we are right now men get unrealistic ideas on sex and what women should do/enjoy from porn but aren't taught how to remember or realise those people KNOW what they do and are paid for it while in any ol average household many women wonder how to even give head or swallow without feeling like throwing up but we try anyways to make our lovers happy and don't want to feel like we're suffocating while trying to please them. Once america gets past some of it's old ideas we may see open marriage is viewed as ok. Look at internet dating started out as a taboo and now there's 4 or 5 places that have tv ads and many others just have internet ads vying to have your business. Still a risky thing but it has become more accepted so maybe one day other things will too.
PS sorry I wrote a novel but there's lots of points this topic can bring up
yea I would say you are way off the mark. In some parts in Africa, while it is true that a majority of people stray outside the sanctity of marriage, it is not done openly. There is still a double standards in that only men think they have the right to engage in such activities, and women that do are either divorced for raising doubts about the paternity of their fathers or ridiculed.
The Maasai have a marriage system that is similar. I guess technically it's considered Polygamy more so than an open marriage but they have relationships with everyone from their age group.
From Wikipedia:
"The Maasai are traditionally polygamous; this is thought to be a long standing and practical adaptation to high infant and warrior mortality rates. Polyandry is also practiced. A woman marries not just her husband, but the entire age group. Men are expected to give up their bed to a visiting age-mate guest. The woman decides strictly on her own if she will join the visiting male. Any child which may result is the husband's child and his descendant in the patrilineal order of Maasai society."
Personally...I find it rather hard for people to just throw out the jealousy factor. I think it's part of human nature to be jealous. As much as I totally disapprove of this, cause I believe that sex should only be between you and someone you truly love (or maybe I'm just old school...waiting for the right man to spend the rest of my life with and giving myself to him...21 and still a virgin). I really do not like the idea of being committed (what you say in your wedding vows) to someone but still sleeping around with others. Yea, I know...your partner says it's okay...but really...is it harder to show that person (even if they don't meet your sexual needs) that they're the only one for you even if they say it's okay or to sleep around with others while claiming to be committed?
This is the only comment so far that I agree with at all. I just don't think it's possible (999 out of every 1,000 times) to create a situation in which 1) there is no jealousy present in either parties, or 2) no extra emotional attachments are created in any way between either party's separate sexual partners. I really don't think that's there's any such thing as no-strings-attached sex that doesn't also involve prostitution. SOMEONE, be it the husband, wife, or whoever they're sleeping with, is going to eventually, somehow, get hurt.
One reason we do get jealous is what was termed by a fellow guyspeak guy (just can't remember who as it was months ago) was mate blocking. Plain and simple the idea of the person you love and want a future and life with up and having babies or whatnot with other people makes us feel threatened so kicks in the jealousy factor and it hopefully only keeps us aware of the interactions of them and their friends/family but doesn't cause us to obsess over every micro detail.
In every relationship you should take note on how they treat the other people in their lives. Is a guy rude and harmful to his mother? Then he may be that way towards you. Do they act casual with friends or seem uptight with you around? If that happens alot there may be things wrong. All you gotta do is basicly see how someone is with family and friends if they seem alright then no need to get overly jealous unless an ex or old crush comes around :P And that won't matter if you're just friends or become married at some point. As the saying goes friends before lovers, but if while in that friend getting to know stage they act rudely alot to people and interact with family in unpleasant ways I wouldn't want that as a friend let alone lover.
As for 'open' relationships? I know it's not for me as the idea of my man pleasing another woman in an emotional and physical way turns my stomach and instantly flips on the jealousy! But same goes for my bf, he jokingly one day asked about if I'd let him screw another girl in a 3 some and I asked him if he wanted to watch another guy be all over me making me moan and whatnot well needless to say that shut him up on that subject. So if something like that happens in a relationship (where they joke but get pointed out to the flip side and shut up after that) that there says it's not open for others to interact with on an intimate level.
If both parties are fine with it then by all means proceed but do so with caution and set rules as well. Last thing I'd want to see in an open marriage or not is my man screwing someone else where I make my breakfast or make babies with them XD And I'm inclined to go with Nick on this I think it's going to mostly be Bi people who would agree to an open marriage vs any other groups. That's not to say others don't try something every so often after all there'd be nothing known as swinging in terms of relationships. Swinging would only be about well swings then XD
As far as open celeberity relationships? Man oh man those must be some cool laid back people! Because 1) in ANY celeb relationship you have to not be jealous because lots of movies now have smootching or body touching going on 2) to be open while supposedly married has to be HARD even more so with the fact others get to have play house with your partner and 3) how could you openly give out that info and not get stalked?
Man I sure wouldn't want to be a celeb + celeb couple XD I'd rather be married to one and be the unknown mystery wife than out in the open XD
So pretty much in summary open relationships= Trust, some rules for keep sanity, and communicate! And also know what type is best for you? If you can only see yourself with one person and one only then ok do it! If you can handle toggling people and issues that may arise from not only being married but having multiple people in your life on an intimate level then ok. But in the end do what's best for YOU and not for the sake of somebody who you and they aren't 100% sure of where things are between you two. I think that's the biggest thing to having an open relationship is making sure both of you dig eachother 100% and know you'll be there for eachother for a long time to come vs a month of being together and jumping into something becoming open. It takes time to know someone and trust them let alone jumping into something you may not be sure about.
I was in an open relationship for about a year, and it was the most complicated, confusing thing I've ever been a part of. While me and my significant other would spend an insane amount of time together (i.e. sleeping over each other's places every night and such), we were very couple-y, damn near cozy, but he constantly made it clear that he had no feelings of fidelity towards me (or anyone for that matter). To him it wasn't a matter of actively sleeping with other people (how could he ever have the time?) he wanted the choice to. He wanted the freedom of an open relationship without worrying about me...just in case.
The problem with that turned out to be that well...on those nights that we ended up not spending together? I began to assume that he was spending them with someone else. Very quickly it became a matter of "well, if he can mess around, I can too!" and I began striking out with the intention of taking full advantage of this open relationship.
Long story short, it ended up not being worth it. I feel like open relationships and open marriages work for the people they work for, but they definitely do not work for everyone.
It seems like, if open relationships are like this, why be in a relationship at all? Why not just stay single?
If I'm going to be alone at night, I would prefer it to be "my choice" not because the man who swears he loves me is getting it on with someone else. Call me selfish, but I don't want to be #2 in my boyfriend's life. If he wants Bootylicious down the street, he can have her, but not me too.
The open marriage concept is absolute BS. The woman *will* get hurt, sooner or later. If she agrees to it in the first place, then she's already been emotionally scarred and an "open" marriage will just make it worse.
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