I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble. To be perfectly honest, my take is "I don't know," because I've never been in that situation. I can tell you my observations and uninformed opinion, however, then we can put the question to our readers for their thoughts and experiences.
A separation has always struck me as little more than a speed bump on the road to divorce. People say they want to separate to "work things out," but how can you work things out when you aren't together? I tend to think that most separations end in divorce, and the few available statistics support that notion, putting the rate of separated couples who divorce anywhere from 67% to 85% (1,2). The few reconciliations that do occur after separation typically happen when both partners agree to the break in the first place, which is not the case with you.
On the other hand, divorce is not something one should rush into, and I can see some sense and value in taking a break from each other before calling it quits forever. As I said earlier, I just don't know that answer. My gut says that separation isn't a good idea, but I have no real reasoning to back that up.
Guyspeak readers: who here has experience with separation? If so, would you mind sharing your thoughts with us? Thanks in advance.
And thank you, kkb, for the question. I sincerely hope you guys can work it out. I wish I were more help.
I have watched a few friends try this and I have seen it fail more often than not.
One time I did see it work with great success was when they both recognized their role in the marital trouble. They used the time apart to work on it by getting counseling, both as individuals and then together as a couple.
They included their 2 kids in an initial counseling session just before separating, outlining their goals while apart. Each of them had a role in reuniting the family. It wasn't magical or anything. It took hard work, tears and commitment.
Wow, Mark your comment wasn't rude or sexist at all, way to go!!
It's gone though. I guess it's sorta sexist when he said for her to go back and make dinner in the kitchen.
The Great Zapper in the sky took care of Mark's assbag troll comment. She does not play.
Take a break, not a separation. And your husband is good for saying he doesn't want one. It means he wants to save your marriage.
Unfortunately, for a lot of couples nowadays, the only solution to solve problems is to separate or get a divorce. I hope you don't end up as one of those people.
And the comment from Jan is good. And Wise Ass is wise for saying that you can't solve the problems you have with your husband if you're actually not working together to find solutions for them.
Question you have to face too: What made you think of separation in the first place? List them down and see how much of the reasons you have point out to your own shortcomings and then your husband's. Work it out.
And remember the first time you fell in love with your husband. This always works for me when I'm having a tough time with my SO who's always traveling.
I think it puts an overall strain on the marriage.., especially if trust is an issue. It’s more than likely the beginning to the end.
Why is he saying no? What’s his side of the story? What the issues? Care to share?
Hi Silkysly. I am the QA and without airing out all our dirty laundry, I feel I can say this: My husband has been in the wrong for 12 years, which he has admitted. For those 12 years, I turned the other cheek, wrongfully justified his behavior to make it less painful for me, and forgave. He was confronted 5 times during those 12 years and made promises that were not kept. Now, I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I would like some happiness, but I also agree with WA, a divorce isn't something you need to rush into; it's just that being here is painful.
I'm struggling, on one side with, when is enough enough? And on the other side with feeling guilty about wanting to put me first. We still have 3 kids at home and I feel it is my happiness vs. theirs. I think though, that the only reason I have his attention now is because I have said that I want a separation.
Separations and marital counselling are often the beginning of the end - a way for two people to work out the divorce amicably more so then try to salvage a marriage. When I separated from my husband I did not think divorce was inevitable (separation was my idea), but ultimately his / our behavior during the separation made me sure it was the right thing to do. Separation is the road to divorce - separate lives make separate people. But you really have to want to save the marriage to start the journey toward reconciliation.
every marriage is different. as much as there are commonalities across the endings, every ending and reason is different. my separation saved ME. the second it happened he started begging me to change his mind but i was doing it for me, not for us, not for the marriage, for me and for my son, i thought we both really really needed to be as far away as possible for a bit to see if that would change the quality of our life. it did. if you think you need it then maybe you need it. my thoughts are, if you have a strong marriage that is meant to be saved, a separation will give you the clarity to realize that. in my country once you file separation you can't finalize a divorce for a full year to give you that little time out time to think about things like that. a lot of people come back to each other in that time, a lot dont of course, but it may be just what you need. mine WAS a speedbump on the road to divorce, but it saved my life. hardest thing i ever did, best choice i ever made. but every situation is different.