There are two schools of thought here. In my opinion, the smart man would focus on taking care of what he feels he needs to do seeing as she can't be perfect if he has no time for her. However, there are many people who would think that you make time for the people that matter and if she's so perfect, then you don't risk losing her.
I've come to realize over time that it is very difficult for a driven man to see himself in a certain place, with the right girl, and not be able to give her the time and attention she needed to feel secure in the relationship. Especially if he's still young (like the early 20s). Mentally, he'd be better off enjoying his life and focusing on his career and then settling down later in life when he would be able to commit to somebody fully. In fact, I (and most people it seems) would recommend that for most men.
Let's be real here. If you're dating a driven and focused man who is also broke and works 16 hour days, you won't be happy. And in your lack of happiness, you will intend to make him stop doing what he's doing or what he's been planning in order to cater to your needs. Which is fair. Except, a man who doesn't feel accomplished isn't going to be any good for you anyway. He's going to constantly wonder what he could have been doing or his mind will be elsewhere.
As much as it sucks to say, if he's smart, he will let her go and hope that when he is in a place to be the man he wants to be in a relationship, she will be there. Not that she specifically waited on him, but that she will be available at that time in her life.
There are definitely guys who will try to make it work, I just don't think that's ideal. Especially not for a man in his early 20s just discovering who he is and what life is really all about.
Word to Phonté Coleman from the rap group, Little Brother: "...they say a woman's life is love, a man's love is life..."
I would have to say that it really just depends on the guy. Really.
I used to think that it had to be one way or the other--either ALL guys will throw everything away to somehow make it work with a girl, or ALL guys will pick their career. But I've come to realize that it's a personal choice, and many different factors come into play.
Hollywood would have us believe that love is the only thing that matters in life, but unfortunately, that's not the case. "You can't live on love", to quote a Shania Twain song. Especially since you really never know what you're going to feel for a person six months from now, or three years from now. It's not rational to skimp on other areas of your life for something so fleeting and unpredictable as a relationship.
This is a bit of a sore subject for me, because I'm sort of in a situation where I finally found a boyfriend that's perfect for me, but I have to face the reality that we're both finishing up college soon and life will most likely pull us apart. It's sad, but life often is.
*Many* guys will try to figure out how to keep her in their back pocket.
So. True.
We all make make plans but "life just happens" to you too. Timing, luck and your decisions impact where you are as well as everyone you know. A la Sliding Doors. If he lets her go because he is not ready for her yet, that's logical and fine so long as he does not live to wonder what could have been. No do overs - everything you do and don't do in Life matters. Carpe diem.
Then again, I'd hope he'd realize that if you can find the perfect woman once, you can find another one later. If anything, that is further reason to let her go. You should now be secure in your ability to find a great person when you are ready to settle down.
It's true. When a guy is mentally and financially stable, that's when he will let a woman in. Sad, but true. I waited three years to find that out the hard way. Wish someone told me this blatant advice sooner.
Thank you Panama! I am the person who asked the question and I appreciate your answer and am just stuck as to what to do. I met this guy this summer, and we instantly hit it off. He is 23, I am 22. He had a lot of time over the summer, but then had to go back to school. He is in one of the top 5 law schools in the country and has a job offer already so he will be making money soon, but being a new lawyer is extremely time consuming. We have been doing the friends with benefits (which I know is always lose-lose for the girl but I just got out of a 3 year relationship before I met him and wanted friends with benefits too) for a few months and he definitely goes out of his way to make time for me. We were in the same location all summer, but have lived about an hour away from each other since september. We talk almost everyday for hours with him initiating 90% of the conversations and I spend almost every weekend with him. When I see him I obviously sleep over, we talk for hours about everything, he cuddles with me (like midday cuddling/kissing that doesn't lead to sex), holds my hand when we watch TV, makes cute little inside jokes with me, we have met each other's families and friends, BUT I just don't know what it is. I can't tell if it is A) He likes me as more than a friends with benefits but knows that he doesn't have time for any sort of relationship, or B) just likes having fun with me for now because it is easy and convenient and i'm reading way into the signs thinking he likes me when he is really just an overly affectionate person. I also don't know how to go about bringing this up in conversation or if I should at all. I have started to like him, but I am still not completely healed from my last relationship and don't want to be in another one, and am also more focused on my future than on guys right now. I just feel like I am playing with fire with this situation and I really don't know what is going on and I don't want to end up hurt or looking like an idiot. please help! thank you so much!
If you really want to know where you fit into his life (possibly his future), you need to ask. There is no magic way to just decipher this information. Seeing as you spend quite a bit of time together and have met each other's families and friends, it might be safe to say that you're more than friends with benefits.
As for not quite being over the ex...it happens to the best of us and time really will heal this wound. It doesn't mean that you aren't ready for another relationship.
It's better to find out where you stand with this guy now, than to wait until you're even more invested in the relationship.
Best of luck to you.
Women want to be there for the journey of a man getting to where he is going in life. I guess that’s the difference between the sexes.
In my experience, most guys that aren't ready just aren't. They are often honest about this, which women ignore, then get mad at the dude for leading them on. Later, the men will lament the quality of the choices they have in the dating pool. These men will meet someone later down the line and settle down and do the family thing, but they will often wonder about the "perfect girl that got away".
The rare man that meets an exceptional woman, one who is down for the struggle, will not let her go for anything. They realize that life is long, and keep that in perspective. They support and lift each other up, and in the end, they have really built something. A REAL partner in life is a blessing worth more than money and achievement. Most people realize this too late.
The happiest couples that I know are in the latter category.
When I was still growing professionally, my husband held us down. When I got a job with a crappy salary, he didn't flinch. We worked hard. In a few years, I doubled my salary by going for a promotion, not for me, but for US. He wanted to be able to start his own business, so I had to do what I had to do for US so that HE could achieve his dream. Now we both make great salaries, and can laugh at the days in our early twenties of ramen noodles, or going dutch on meals because you could afford to pay the whole bill.
I hate meeting people and the first thing that do is size you up. "What do you do? Who do you work for." I am glad we have been together for 8 yrs, building and growing, eschewing the pretense of the dating game. I never expected to spend my entire twenties with the same person. I told him in my wedding vows that he was the most unexpected gift in my life. I'm so glad he made the time and space for me (juggling undergrad, grad school, work, professional certifications, long distance relationship, etc).
In this situation, If the guy does choose his career over a girl he hardly knows but thinks could be perfect for him will he still stay in contact with that girl or not?