First things first: if you aren't sure he has a problem -- you say you "think" he drinks too much -- I encourage you to poke around the web and read up on alcoholism and its symptoms. The fact that you're even asking suggests that he does, but it's important to learn the facts.
If he does have a problem, you can tell him how you feel until you're blue in the face, but it won't do much good. Most people with a drinking problem already know they have one, but are either unwilling or unable to do anything about it. If you're constantly reminding him of something he already knows, you'll just come off as a nag and give him a target for the pent-up frustration he's feeling about himself. As we all know, it's much easier for a person to project his anger onto someone else than to admit to himself that he has a problem.
That leaves you with a choice: wait for him to get help, or leave him. Great choice, huh? I know -- I've been in a similar situation and it sucks big droopy dog balls. You have my sympathy.
The good news is that people can recover and do, often. But you cannot make that happen; only he can. Let me repeat that: you cannot make your husband get sober. Only he can. You are essentially powerless, and that's what makes living with a drunk so damn hard. You want to grab them by the lapels and slap some sense into them, but all it does is make your hand hurt and make them hate you. (I'm speaking figuratively, of course. Don't slap your husband.)
What you can do is go to an Al-Anon meeting or ten. Yes, it seems ridiculous for you to have to go to meetings when he's the one with the problem, but trust me, it will help you tremendously. You'll learn from other people in your shoes how to live with an alcoholic loved one. You can't change your husband, but you can equip yourself to understand him better and learn how to be happy in spite of your situation. They won't tell you what to do, but will give you plenty of wisdom to make your own decisions.
You can learn more about Al-Anon here, and you can find a local meeting here.
Good luck.
I have a friend who is an alcoholic. He has battled with the problem for close to 30 years. His friends and family tried everything to get him to stop drinking, but he wasn't interested in stopping. He ended up in jail numerous times as a result of his habit. It also broke up his marriage. Still he kept drinking.
Tragically, it took a very severe traffic accident to get him to want to change. He nearly died and suffered brain trauma from the accident and was in a coma for a month. He has mostly recovered now, but he still has memory problems and has had some personality changes as a result of the accident. He has been sober for several years now though. He still attends AA meetings regularly.
It is true that only the one with the problem can change the way things are. It has to be his decision. He has to be the one who wants things to change. It is a very sad situation and is very difficult to watch someone struggle with this problem, especially if it is someone you care about. Yes, I would also suggest attending meetings of your local Al-Anon organization to help you cope.
Wow great answer Cary!
I especially liked, "But you cannot make that happen; only he can. Let me repeat that: you cannot make your husband get sober. Only he can. "
I think the same goes for other addictions too, whether it's video games, eating disorders, etc.
Cary is right on the mark. Alcoholics (and addicts in general) often know they have a problem, but justify it in any way they can. Speaking from experience, we tell ourselves it's not an issue until it starts effecting our lives, careers or relationships negatively, but it almost always requires us to hit a severe low point before we're willing to acknowledge that it's doing exactly that. As Cary said, your only options are to leave him, or to equip yourself with the knowledge and understanding to be there for him when things inevitably take a turn for the worse. Either way, it's a long, hard road ahead.
I wish you the best of luck, whatever you choose.
Astute comments, all. Thanks for speaking up.
I come from a family of addicts, all in one way or another (many had several addictions) and no matter what nobody could ever convince them they had to stop. It always had to come from them finally having enough on their own. And with some of them, its been decades and they still haven't found the strength or desire to stop. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but unless he really wants to stop drinking he just won't. You need to decide if you can live with it if he doesn't. Good luck with everything.
Great answer, Cary.
BUT
I have a question...the person said "When and how do I tell my husband that I think he drinks too much, again?"
AGAIN...is that again as in, "somebody asked this before but please remind me" or "I already told him, he laughed it off and now I think there may be a serious problem"...because that's a completely different ballgame. And I'd be interested to see what you'd say in the other case.
As pointed out from everyone you cannot change your husband. My father was an alcoholic for years before he passed away. There is a program called Alanon. It's for people who are in any way related to an alcoholic. It's not for everyone but it might help. I went to Alateen for many years and created life long friendships with people.
Once again, you put the "Wise" in "Wise-Ass," Cary!
Great advice.
He does. And I suspect that if she thinks it's an issue, it's an issue. Try Al-anon or some other kind of support group. Cary is right that you should help yourself, regardless of his choices!
Thanks, ladies (and gents, too).
That is a hard question. I guess just do your research, then let him know in the gentlest way possible. If you communicate how much you care, so that he knows you are telling him out of love, it will help.
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