Well, at least he's polite.
Everybody has their individual hang-ups about sex, and his obviously is about safe sex. The only thing you can really do is talk to him about it. It could be anything: he could have gotten a nasty dose of something from a previous girlfriend that's gone now, but the memory lingers; he could have been scared half to death by sex education; he could have a close friend who died of something sexually transmitted...the list goes on.
Either way, sit him down and ask him. That'll really be the key to putting him at ease.
Why are you bothered by this? You should be happy he doesn't want to risk your (or his) future with the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy.. The pill isn't 100%...
Maybe I'm just overly cautious, but my man and I agree on no finishing within the border until we are ready for the possibilities.
I agree that for now it's not a horrible problem, but he might be worried that in the future when he wants children he won't be able to.
Sounds either psychological: he's afraid of getting you pregnant and now it's become such a big deal there's a little performance anxiety.
Or physical: you say you only go w/o a condom sometimes. Perhaps he's so used to the condom feel that he needs an adjutment period. Try a week of only condom-free sex (ONLY if you trust your pills and your std-free status), and I mean that's his ONLY option for getting off. If he goes a whole week w/o getting off rather than be able to go inside you, it sounds like a more complicated problem that might require expert help.
I agree that for now it's not a horrible problem, but he might be worried that in the future when he wants children he won't be able to.
Sounds either psychological: he's afraid of getting you pregnant and now it's become such a big deal there's a little performance anxiety.
Or physical: you say you only go w/o a condom sometimes. Perhaps he's so used to the condom feel that he needs an adjutment period. Try a week of only condom-free sex (ONLY if you trust your pills and your std-free status), and I mean that's his ONLY option for getting off. If he goes a whole week w/o getting off rather than be able to go inside you, it sounds like a more complicated problem that might require expert help.
He hates condoms. Please do not lecture me on protection, that is not the issue I am looking for help for here. And HE is the one who is really bothered by this, he feels emasculated and embarrassed- even though he shouldn't be. I appreciate what you and your man have worked out, but I am working on this with my guy and this is our issue, which can't really be compared to how you do things with your man.
He doesn't do this by choice, he isn't worried about getting me pregnant so much because we bareback it that often, and that's not the point anyway.
Sorry! Poorly worded. I didn't mean to imply he's choosing to hold back. I was just getting at the idea that the longer guys go without getting off the faster/easier they tend to get off, so if this kind of became his only option it might help things along. And then maybe once you guys got it working once, then it might come (no pun intended) more and more naturally after that.
Sexual issues suck. I hope you guys get this worked out, whether or not others feel it's "necessary." If it's something you both want, you should absolutely be able to be concerned and work toward it. Good luck!
I was responding to Amanda, not you! I found your response very helpful, don't worry :)
OP here. He and I have been together for three years, and he was my first. We are both STD free (and always have been), and we have talked about this problem extensively- communication is not the problem here. He's embarrassed and worried about it because he wants to have children one day.
I'm worried about it because while I get off pretty much every time we have sex, the only remote chance he has of getting off is inside me, with a condom. We've tried everything else, multiple times. And I know it isn't a horrible problem- I just feel bad because I get off easily while his orgasms seem to be more complicated. I know all about his sexual past, and this was a problem before I came along. And he HATES condoms! He'd rather go bareback and not get off at all. I was just wondering if there is anything else I can do, or if anyone has heard of this or has any suggestions. Thank you!!
Him worrying about not being able to have kids one day could be what's holding him back, at least partly. You need to put that fear to rest, a guy does not have to cum inside a girl to get her pregnant. Heck, one of my friends was turkey-basted into existence! :P
Ok this is going to sound absurd, but have you tried a condom with the end cut off? so it still covers 90% of what it normally does but lets everything out. To me it would seem that if he could orgasm, he just physically needs the condom feeling. If he can't, he might have some kind of psychological block that needs explored in therapy. I know you guys talk, but there's nothing like a nonjudgmental, objective 3rd party to make you realize things about yourself.
Ok this is going to sound absurd, but have you tried a condom with the end cut off? so it still covers 90% of what it normally does but lets everything out. To me it would seem that if he could orgasm, he just physically needs the condom feeling. If he can't, he might have some kind of psychological block that needs explored in therapy. I know you guys talk, but there's nothing like a nonjudgmental, objective 3rd party to make you realize things about yourself.
Well, it could be something physiological, then. Guys can get overstimulated just like everyone else: is it he gets to the point of orgasm and can't finish, or is it he never gets to the point of orgasm? If the former, then it might be time to go to a urologist and see if he's overly sensitive. If the latter, that seems way more likely to be psychological to me. Keep in mind psychological issues aren't always something at the front of your mind: we can remember things unconsciously long after we've forgotten them consciously.
The "condom with the tip cut off" suggestion seems a good one to me. Keep cutting away at the condom until there's nothing left.
This is for the good. Use the condom every time1 One he might have had NSU sometime in the past (not a STD) really annoying! Plus the pill can have dire problems too. double protection is better. However, you are having bareback and that means you must be super careful. He does not need to ejaculate for sperm to migrate!
Plus you are new to sex. I suggesty using the condom and no barebacking. Don't worry if down the road you and he decide of kids it won't be a problem.
I'm not THAT new to sex, and if you read my comment above, you will see that I already know his whole sexual past and that he hasn't had NSU. He and I are well aware of the risks, that does not address my original question. I'm not here to be lectured on protection, I have taken that fully into account, but I appreciate your concern. I know for a fact that he does not WANT to use a condom, and as an of-age consenting adult, I know the consequences of what could happen.
This is not for the good, because it bothers him a lot and I am on here asking for help about it.
OP, not to pry, but is he able to get 'off' with oral stimulation?
Just trying to cover all the various textures he can be exposed to, and whether or not they produce a successful orgasm (or even the feeling of being 'close') for him, so you can better figure out if this is a physiological or psychological issue.
Another 'texture' change (and again, I mean this as a helpful attempt to get to the bottom of this, not in a malicious way) some girls get more lubricated when they have climaxed, others almost dry out, maybe you could try some lubes, to see if they help him?
I agree with the wonderful Dan, it's important to determine where the root of this problem lies in order to solve it.
I think you're awesome for working so hard to make sure your partner is just as pleased as you are. I also think you did a great job of responding to people who decided to use your post as a place to hoist there personal beliefs on protection onto your shoulders. I daresay you responded with more tact than most would have.
Thank you soooo much, I only just saw your comment today but I really appreciate your advice. He can't get off with oral stimulation either. He has what he calls "dry orgasms" where he finishes but no little swimmers! He's seen medical professionals about it and also been to a therapist. Nothing has worked so far. Thank you (can't say this enough) for realizing that I'm just trying to make him as happy as he makes me.
I just wanted to let you know that i have a smilar problem, so you r not alone...