Long one today. And be warned - I will be doing only light and silly questions for the rest of the week, so send me some silly ones please.
Full text of the question:
"When one bad thing happens, either in reality or just perceived by me, I can't recover from it. My mind twists everything around until I'm lying there, convinced that I'm stupid, worthless, ugly, deserve to die; convinced that everyone would be better off without me.
Then I shove away those who care, I try to make them all hate me, because if they did, I'd have nothing to tether me to life, and if I could piss them off bad enough, they might not care if they never hear from me again. Every time I try, there are two who never let me, and I'm grateful, but it keeps happening. It's to the point where even when I'm in a logical frame of mind, like now (debatably), I feel like they'd be better off without me, because I keep doing this to them and I can't help it, yet they won't just let me go.
I'm scared and confused. I can't make the voice that says "just go away, die already, nobody cares, they'd be better, they'd be happier without you, you complete waste of breath" stop, no matter what I do. I'm hurt and scared and confused. I don't want to hurt them but I don't give a damn about myself and I want to just vanish. What the hell do I do? How do I stop this without falling on a knife?
I know this has been very long, and I'll be shocked if you bother with me, and I'm sorry for bringing this on you. I don't want to burden you or anyone else with my issues, but if there's anyone who can cut to the heart of the matter and slap written sense into me, it's you. Please."
OK, harsh talk first, Sparrow. Take a deep breath.
What do you do when good and nice things happen?
Guessing you don't credit yourself for them, do you. Why not, silly girl? If you are gonna take the blame, why not take the credit too?
I know, taking credit for some random good thing happening is as rock f*ckingly stupid as, well, taking the blame for anything bad happening, no matter what it is.
What do you do when your friends are feeling down?
Bet you are there to listen to them. Help them. That is what friends do. So why be surprised and aggrieved when they do the same for you? You got a pair of good friends there. They won't let you go. Why should they? You are a part of their life, as they are of yours. They chose to be your friends.
The voice.
Oh, I know that voice. Different reasons (probably), but the same general effect.
It lies.
You got two friends who do care deeply for you, so you know the voice is full of sh*t right out of the gate.
Of course you are scared. You'd be dumb if you weren't, with a voice whispering in your head. Just shows that, no matter what the voice says, you ain't stupid. Second strike against the voice.
You want to vanish. To stop hurting. Yet you wrote a very long and personal question to me - and the question box is designed not to make that easy.
Voice, that is your third strike, you are out of here.
Now, for my question to you.
Who hurt you so badly?
That is more than the usual dings and scars from life. Go get help lass. There is no shame in needing help from time to time. The shame is in rejecting help when it is offered.
ugh. my heart goes out. funny that. i was sitting out on my front porch this morning, enjoying my morning start to the day, a cup of coffee and a cigarette, and i heard a little bird. this time of year, hearing birds sing in the morning is odd, so she caught my attention. one high note, one low note. with evenly spaced bars of silence in between. i thought, that little bird sounds so happy, and then so sad, and then so silent. until she makes her happy noise again. that bird is a pretty good example of life, really. it's not always going to be high notes all the time, but life isn't about one note, or another note, or even the silence. it's about the whole song.
MM has given some really excellent advice here. follow it!! he's so right, we all have that voice. sometimes that voice works for good, and sometimes that voice works for evil. the truth is, it is ALWAYS working for both good and evil, it's up to US to choose which side to listen to. it's when we choose to listen to it or ignore it that makes all the difference in our every day lives. that's the same voice that speaks to us when we are drunk dialing someone we haven't spoken to for months in the middle of the night. it's the same voice that speaks to us when we're mad at someone and light into them because our voice told us they deserved it. it's the same voice that normalizes really stupid choices, like lying, cheating, drinking and driving. we all have that voice. but that voice speaks to us in other times too, we just choose to ignore it. it is also speaking when it tells you not to call that guy in the middle of the night. or to take a big breath before you light into someone. or to call a cab after you've been at a party drinking all night. but many times we ignore it. why do we choose to ignore it sometimes, and listen to it in others? instant gratification. we have taught ourselves that instant gratification will help us feel valuable, when becoming truly valuable to our Selves is a much longer process. instant gratification never truly gratifies. the difference is figuring out when to listen to it, and when to ignore it, and it is a life long process for all of us. how you can change it right now is...by changing it right now. you get to choose what soundtracks you listen to when you are in the car, listening to your iPod on the subway, or cranking the tunes when you clean the house. so now, you just have to choose what soundtracks you listen to in your daily life. the good ones, or the bad ones. choose the soundtracks, be that in your friends or your various life experiences, that tell you how amazing you are repeatedly. if you are short on those, start making them yourself. daily affirmations, writing period. writing really helps me, anyway. write a letter to yourself taking the role of the Other, pretend you are your own best friend (because, you ARE) and you are writing a letter to tell her how amazing you are. be as specific as possible. "i love it when you wear that green satin blouse because it makes your highlights stand out and your eyes sparkle." stuff like that. you DO like some things about yourself, you are just afraid to admit it because society has taught you that makes you cocky, arrogant, or vain. go ahead and be vain. it's okay to love yourself, to think you're the bomb. in fact, to get through life successfully, you HAVE to. write one every day if you have to, even if it's just a few lines. be good to your Self. the cold hard truth is that sometimes in this world you will be the only person that will be, but if you can depend on your Self to bring yourself back out of a bad day, you will be far more ahead of the game than most people. step one in being good to your Self is getting the help you need, read that last line in this answer a bozillion times. if there is any affirmation you need to keep repeating to yourself, that is the best one to start with. so ask for help, you have proven you know how to do this by writing here. keep reaching. you will be surprised at how many hands are willing to grab yours in return. and start singing your songs. they're not always gonna be great songs, but focus on the high notes, not on the low notes, and remember to take breaks in between to be good to yourself. good luck little Sparrow, now spread your wings and fly. that's what they are there for. *hug*
Chrissie, If I wasn't taken, you'd have to beat me with a club to get rid of me.
Sparrow - read this.
aww stoppit blushing makes me look like i've eaten something i shouldn't have.
I did read this, and you know, I admire you. I really do. You have such a beautiful way of expressing things.
I honestly can't promise to take your advice. "Look, you taught yourself enough of this language to read most of this page!" turns into "Buuuuuut you didn't do it fast enough, and look here, you also didn't understand that sentence. Stupid. Go obsess over those words for the next five hours." quicker than anything.
But I promise to try. I am printing your post and MM's answer, and I'll read them again and again over the day. I'll try to learn from it.
I promise.
thank you. i admire YOU. i really do. reaching out takes a lot of guts. i had to be forced into it, you started the steps on your own. that's pretty amazing. if you want a therapist closer to your issues, one idea may be to start with a local woman's shelter. i'm not saying book a stay there or anything, but giving them a call may be worth it. they have a lot of experience with children going through a myriad of issues, and those children grow into adults. if they don't have access to someone that you can speak to, they would certainly be able to refer you to some resources i am sure.
Sweetie, this is the first time I've commented on this website, so you should realize how very special you are. I may not say exactly the right thing, but I hope you'll forgive the errors. If you'd let me, I'd hug you. Tight. I know exactly what it's like to go through that hell and to push people away. I've been there. Back in the earliest days of my journey, I literally believed I was subhuman. I was worth less than the dirt under peoples' shoes. I had one person tell me to my face, "No one will ever love you," and for a decade I at least partially believed him. I got to the dark place you're describing. I lived in suicidal hell for a year, not telling anyone.
Finally, I looked up stories of the people left behind when a loved one commits suicide to see if I could really do that to the people I loved, and what I learned shocked and horrified me. I realized I could never do that to them, and when the option was no longer available to me, when I properly and permanently took it off the table, the hold my depression had on me broke. AND WHEN IT BROKE, I REALIZED THE ENTIRE WAY I THOUGHT WAS A LIE, AND IT WAS NOT ME. On the other side, I could see that the depression was a separate entity, a dark fog, a black hole trying to consume me, but NOT ME. You may think you are thinking logically, you may think your thoughts are really yours, but they are not. Take it from someone who's been there and come out the other side.
These thoughts are your enemy, no matter how much perverse (meaning improper) comfort you get from them. I know what it's like to reach to your pain because in my mind, it was my only lifelong companion, the only thing I could rely on. It hurt me, but I could trust it--so I thought. You can't. It lies. It sounds obvious, but to me at the time it wasn't, and if you're in the same place I was, maybe this will help you too. That pain doesn't care about you. It isn't worth you holding onto or trusting it. It's only trying to hurt you.
So what can you do? Stand up to that voice. Tell it "NO." Every time it tries to speak, cut it off with a "NO." Don't let it finish its sentences. Tell it it's a jerk. Tell it it lies. Tell it you don't care what it has to say because it's wrong. For me, it became empowering to tell that voice that had overpowered me for so long where it could shove itself. If you must think abuses, turn it against that lying voice. Stop every thought that says bad things about you in its tracks. Every single one.
And realize, sweetie, that you're so much better and so much more valuable than you think you are. You're priceless. "You are the loss that can never be replaced." And the voice clouds your vision (really, it does. I felt it lift and couldn't believe how narrow my vision had gotten. It was like I only saw a tenth of what was really there). It doesn't want you to see how precious you are, because without you it has nothing. If you don't believe it, it loses. And you are precious. Not only because you exist and have unique qualities that make you irreplaceable and valuable, BUT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO FRIENDS WHO SEE HOW VALUABLE YOU ARE AND WON'T LET YOU GO. No one would fight for you like that if you weren't worth it. Tell the voice in your head telling yourself all the reasons why that's not true to shut up and listen to that truth. They love you BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.
Tell yourself that every day. Every single day until you believe it just as much as you believed the voice telling you every day that you weren't. Write it down, make a list of all the ways you're awesome (or even just "OK" until it gets easier). Don't put in any back-handed compliments, the kinds that are really disguised insults. They're not allowed. Tell yourself you're beautiful. Tell yourself you love your eyes. Write how gorgeous you look in a certain color, or how deeply poetic you can be. Write what you're thankful for every day, and read those lists (tell the depression "NO" when it interferes) to remind yourself.
And DON'T GO IT ALONE. It makes it so much harder (trust me). There was a line I read somewhere that I really believe is true: "We are only as sick as our secrets." Hiding pain gives it power because revealing it shines a light on its weaknesses. Keeping it secret prevents us from realizing just what a massive house of cards the whole bunch of lies is. Kick the legs out from under it and don't feel bad--that's what it was doing to you all this time. It's a jerk, it's a liar, and you're better than that. You're strong, because you're still alive. You're here, and every second you're here you're OVERCOMING. You are SO STRONG! Live even if it's only second to second and eventually you'll get through the hard times.
You are strong, you are beautiful, you are valuable, and you are probably SO MUCH MORE LOVED than you realize. H.O.P.E., sweetheart: Hold on; pain ends. HUG!!!
Alara,
I didn't see this comment when you first posted it, but I'm glad I looked back at this because now I have.
If I could, I would absolutely hug you real tight. The way you put that, when I was reading it I could actually believe that those feelings were/are a separate, tangible thing, so much so that I kind of felt sorry for it, since it only hurts you to keep you... but I guess that's the downside of personifying such things.
The point is, that was beautiful, and you are awesome. What you just said, I will save it, and read it daily, even on the good days.
Thank you so much.
*HUG!!* Awww. :) Thank you sweetie. I hope it does help you and I wish all the best for you. You'll get through this. *Hug.* It seems like you've got a good start. :)
Regarding the very first thing you've said here, MM, even before posting my full question - if it's okay, I want to say I'm sorry. I read this site often, and I know you get a lot of people writing stuff like this to you. I'm sorry for adding to the pile.
You're right though. There was somebody, a long time ago. I am not sure what to say of him except that he was a horrible man who did horrible things. Last I heard, he's running from the police for something involving at least five other children.
Writing such a long post to you when the box is designed to discourage that... well, it's like this: I often do want to vanish. I'm sick and tired of listening to my own thoughts - does that make sense? They have the same whiny little song stuck on repeat. I'm fairly certain my dog is of more worth than me. He at least is cute and brings laughter as he declares war on plastic bottles. What do I do for people? I try and I fail. I think to myself that everyone would be better, happier, simpler, if I were to just go away. Just vanish.
But I can't. Yes, it would make the life of my family easier if I did something. Except they'd feel guilty, like it was their fault. No note could ever convince them that it's not their fault, but that I was weak and knew it. And my friends... they'd break. If I hurt them like that, after all they've done for me, I'd deserve hell.
So I wrote. If I can't go away, then I need help. Selfishness, really, for reasons expressed in the first paragraph of this whiny little slash on the wrist of the internet. Isn't that horrible of me? Even acknowledging that writing to you was probably burdensome in the first place, I just can't shut up.
I have been looking for a therapist. I just left one's services a few weeks ago because he laughed at me and spent more time correcting my grammar than talking to me. So... I'm going to be getting help.
Sorry, again. And thank you. As always, you were right.
If I had a dollar for every bad thing you just said about yourself, I could buy myself lunch. Weak, burdensome, sorry, fail, selfish, horrible, there’s more those are just the ones I am pulling out in these few seconds. That is not you. that is just what you think of you, but that is not you or you would not be here trying to get to the other side.
so you've got a choice here. are you going to be a victim or a survivor. i had a horrible man that did horrible things in my life too. truth is, he SHOULD be running from the police for some of the things he has done, not just to me either. if he's as smart as he claims he is, he IS running and spends a lot of his time covering his tracks. but, am i going to waste my life worrying about his stuff? no. truth is, i married him and had a child with him, in a period i frequently refer to as my "stupid 20's" so he is far from out of my life, i always say my sentence is about 9 years time served and 9 years counting. he spent a lot of time, every day of our relationship brainwashing me until i believed i wasn't valuable. until one day i woke up, and i won't tell you what conditions i woke up to, but thinking of that day still makes me feel everything i felt that morning, and i decided he was wrong. and i haven't looked back since. did i wake up that day finally hearing the birds singing? no. i didn't leave the house for a year. and i had a masters in pscyhology, so i thought i didn't need therapy either. but i finally went, kicking and screaming, and when i say that i mean this is exactly what my doctor said to me, "i am not letting you or your son leave this building until you go down that hall, make a left, enter the first room on your right and sit down and shut it for fifteen minutes." i REALLY didn't have a choice at that point. that therapist didn't work, but she helped me find someone that did, and i started leaving the house again. so you gotta keep trying. you will find someone, it's a personal chemistry that you will understand the second you find them.
and you know what? i still get hate mail from that bastard. every day. any chance he can take to try and tell me i'm worthless, not valuable, stupid, ugly, or unloved, or any other number of unspeakable things that he feels he has the right to say to me, he will take it. my point is, replacing your soundtracks isn't going to erase the old ones. Sometimes those old soundtracks really try to scream at you no matter how much you try to ignore them. but the more you listen to the good ones, the easier it is to give the finger to the bad ones. Somebody made you feel once like you were worth being treated poorly. I’m so very sorry that happened to you, it makes me angry. Because they were wrong. he was WRONG. You ARE valuable. Keep trying to get to that other side, and I promise you, the more you want it, the sooner you will find it. I am still a work in progress, and I am the one that has to make the active choice every single day to notice when the birds are singing. It is not easy every day, but it does get easier every day. Do you want to be a victim, or a survivor. In one scenario he wins, in another, you win, it’s your life and you get to choose. Stop saying sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.
I'm so sorry. Not for myself, so I hope you can forgive me for disobeying you... but I'm sorry that happened to you. I may not know exactly what happened there, but I would also like to thank you for... I dunno, being a good mother as you clearly are despite him.
May I please ask, since you studied psychology. How could what happened with me affect everything so much now? How can therapy help fix that? It can't be changed. I hate the way I think now, but it's still me. If that changes, am I still me? That sounded stupid, but... I don't know.
you weren't disobeying me lol that's one of the sweetest sorry's i've ever gotten, thank you. you did not sound stupid. i don't know what happened to you, i'm not asking you to tell me, but i don't know what happened to you though i told you a little piece of my story because i suspected abuse of some nature is in your history. sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, maybe all of it. my ex husband was emotionally abusive, threatened physical abuse repeatedly and life in general was bordering on cruelty. in fact, some people have said when the odd detail trickles out that that is what it was, there is a part of me that has not come to terms with that being that he is the father of my child, like i said, it's a process.
at any rate, i told you that to tell you this. when that happens to someone, any form of abuse, it triggers something in their psyche that attacks their sense of self worth. the easiest way to explain it is "oh, i let this happen to me, so i must deserve it. someone else obviously thinks that i am not worth treating well, so i must not be. i am not precious or cherished by someone who is supposed to cherish me, so there must be something really wrong with me. if someone that loves me would do this to me, than i dont see how anybody could ever love me." that's how the spiral starts, and it goes down hill from there, to the point where you are, and lower even, where you truly believe you suck at everything. to answer question one, that's how you got to where you are today, i suspect.
question two, how can therapy change that? one way is called cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. the cognitive part of it is the thinking part, the behavior part is the actions part. so it basically shows you how the way you think, affects the way you behave. i.e. if you think you suck in life, you'll behave as if you suck in life. after you see how your thoughts affect your actions, or behaviors, you will start working on how to change your thought patterns, to thus, change your actions. i know you hate the way you think now, i have been there too. but it IS NOT you. it's just the way you think. that's the amazing thing about the human mind, is that no matter what our intelligence level is, we can train it to be whatever we want it to be. they are OUR thoughts, we control them, and so we can change them, if we are willing to. so, someone that works with CBT is someone that i would highly recommend for you.
having said that, CBT was not necessarily what worked with me. though YOU should at least look into it. i did CBT for a while, it did work at least in terms of getting the process going but it bored me to be honest. not saying the therapist was bad, she wasn't, she knew before i did that i was bored with it. that may have been due to my education, i dont really know why, but she was the one that referred me to a woman's shelter. a lot of people think that women's shelter cater to one niche of services. i was not escaping anything when i was referred to them, but they sent me to their off site counselling team who literally straightened me out. what i got from them was just people who knew the profile of the abuser inside and out. i didn't even need to say two sentences about him before they had his number. it was freakishly eye opening for me, and that was the biggest comfort i got from it. i sat in my car after the first session and cried for like, two hours because i had finally met a professional that a. believed me, and b. got it. even though i appreciated my CBT and just the process of starting therapy, it wasn't until i went there that i realized how bad the situation i had been in, really was. and also, what it had done and was doing to me. so, the upside to that for me, was having an outside confirmation from a completely objective source that what had happened to me was not okay, from professionals who lived and breathed this kind of thing, and how to turn around and most importantly move forward from it. it was so helpful to me that they actually ended up "firing me" as their client lol one day she just said to me, okay, you are doing so amazing, we won't need to book anything beyond today unless you have a crisis, but you always have our number. and i was like, what? what are you talking about? no, i have to come back. let's do next week tuesday. and she was like "no, get out or i'm calling security" lol joking of course, but, that was how helpful it was, like i said, i went kicking and screaming in, and out, i didn't want the process to end because it was so healing. i too went in wondering how in bloody hell they were going to save someone as messed up as me, and well, they had to fire me because they did such a great job lol
what happened to you may not have happened to me and vice versa, but i know what it feels like to feel like it is always going to suck, and what it feels like to not believe life can be any different. it isn't always going to suck, if you don't want it to. it CAN be changed. you CAN be changed. there is amazing inside you, you just need help to get it out. YOU thanked ME for being a good mom and you don't even know me. "bad people" don't do that. thank YOU for being a good person to me today. here's my email if you would like to keep in touch, but i am only going to answer the emails from you that say one nice thing you believe about yourself : ) hang in there little Sparrow, the worst is over, you will be fine. i promise. chrissie1101@gmail.com
I may do that.
I'm not sure what to say in such an email, but I'll probably drop you one.
Thank you so much for all that you've said and done.
Sparrow, advice on therapists..look for one that specializes specifically in your issues. If your issues are sexual abuse as a child, find one that works with that 100% of the time. I had Post-Partum depression after my first child. I saw a regular counselor but I didn't really get the help I needed until I wa pregnant with my second & saw a woman that treated only (or 90%) women and families for PPD. Best thing I ever did. It's not selfish to get help. You're doing the people who love you a big favor...In my opinion, it's selfish not to get help. You have to take care of yourself first before you can be of service to anyone else. It's a win-win. Good luck, stop flogging yourself.
I'm not sure what a therapist for me would specialize in. Things did happen, but I'm not 8 anymore. Nobody's smacking me around to smarten me up now or touching me and hurting me because I was bad. I'm not a kid. Don't have an excuse.
You do have an excuse. You didn't deserve any of it. You were lovable as an 8 yr old and you are lovable now. You can learn how to take all the jumbled, sad and destructive thoughts, and lay them out with someone who can help you sort them. They might not leave but you can learn where to keep them so they don't keep hurting you.
I was that 8 year old as well and there is lots of hope and happiness for all of us.
I'll remember.
There's not a lot I know to say to this; the only experience with therapy I have was a bad one. I guess I can try again.
Someone once told me something with an idea similar to what you've said. She said that if a mirror breaks, you don't leave it there so you can crawl in it and roll in it; you sweep it up and put it away.
It makes me wonder if it's a similar thing to expect to see a whole image in the mirror when you're only looking at its fragments.
Still... thank you. I'm sorry you had something happened to you. Looking at all these answers, it seems more common than I could have guessed. That's a terrible thing.
Hon, you really need to get help. How old you were when terrible things happened to you is irrelevant. There are many many people who are dealing with these issues right now. Some are reading this right now. I know sometimes feelings can overwhelm you..but those things happened to you..they don't define you. You are more than that. You have friends who love you..and that says something about who you are. You are a person that people refuse to give up on..no matter how hard you try..which to me says the good outways the bad. Memories of terrible things are hard to shake..but a therapist can help you deal with that pain more productively. Who knows...you could end up helping a lot of people with your story..and that my dear would be an amazingly good thing.
There are lots of people who have commented here that have gone through similar things. Their stories do help. I never thought I'd be sitting here pouring out sob stories and things that were meant to stay in the dark to total strangers, but knowing that so many people can understand, and won't laugh at me for being weak or something, that helps. Helps and scares the living hell out of me at the same time.
Look... for whatever it's worth, thank you for being a friend. Or friend-like. Whatever you want; I know it's just a thread on Guyspeak.
It sounds like you're an abuse survivor. me too. I've had times where I feel so heavy and dark I literally wanted to fall asleep and never wake up (tried and failed at it, thankfully). One very simple but effective thing I have learned to cope is to acknowledge the ways you DO love yourself. Do you feed yourself? Shower? Put on nice clothes ever? If you say something funny- laugh. If you have a brilliant thought- write it down. Love yourself in practical ways. It really helps. Even if you can't bear to pamper yourself, whenever you do something as simple as nap when you're tired and sad, think of it as taking care of yourself. Think of yourself as your friend and bear with yourself. It really helped me.
Sometimes I feel completely normal. I get dressed... maybe not fancy, but I dress decently. I eat food, go to college, the works. Then something bad happens. It could be something as bad as when we had a death in the family a few weeks ago (January 9th, and my goodness if it doesn't feel like it was just yesterday). It could be something small, like I've given a wrong answer in class.
I go cold all over and immediately want to withdraw from everyone. Once I do, I seek solitude, where I will replay what happened and then everything that I've ever done that was stupid. I berate myself for it. Soon enough, 'that was stupid and you should do better' turns into a self-lecture about how worthless I am, and how everyone that likes me is only pretending or standing by me out of guilt, that kind of thing. Within a half hour I'm wondering how much of my depression medication it would take to kill me. When I find/found that what I have would only be vomited up and possibly cause brain damage, I think about other ways.
At this point I become scared, and yet I still can't make myself stop thinking that. It's like having someone who hates me share my body and give me all the encouragement to off myself that I could ever need. Except without all the schizophrenia attached to that. It terrifies me.
I try to reach out to my friends, but it's like the words get stuck in my throat. I'm ashamed and feel that I'm making a big deal of petty things - it's no longer about the wrong answer, it's about wanting to do things I shouldn't want to do. They stay there and look at me with expectation and worry and I can't spill it because... I guess I'm too scared. I play it off like nothing's wrong. But soon enough they know, because I'm not there, I'm avoiding them, I'm shoving them away. And then they're there. They spend hours with me every time this happens, and sometimes by the end of that day or night, when I have absolutely no tears left and can be understood when speaking, they can make me laugh.
For a while after, I'm normal again. But it always comes back. And every time it does, I become a little more afraid of letting them in, because what if they get tired of always holding me together, and what if they decide they don't want the whiny girl bringing them down so much? I know I can't bear to lose them. And yet I push them away anyway, -trying- to lose them, so that I can be left to my own devices and finish it myself.
So... I try to take care of myself, excepting one little slip-up with some pills that left me in the hospital. It just doesn't seem to keep.
I'm scared just thinking of it.
could you have an anxiety disorder? I do. I have OCD- I would get these irrational thoughts that I knew were exasperations of the truth but I couldn't HELP but think them. For instance- I was raped as a child. I would CONSTANTLY imagine that I was engaging in sexually explicit activities with different men and would feel grossed out and disgusted mis trusting both myself and them. I would make snap judgments on situations and assume everyone was out to take advantage of me. Not saying you have the same thoughts as me, but I couldnt HELP the thoughts. Start taking st. John's Wort daily. it's an ssri you don't need a prescription. You have probably literally rewired your brain to react to stress this way. This will help you maintain higher levels of seratonin which will put you in a better position to combat these thoughts when they occur. Worth a shot- give it a month or two.
*hugsXinfinity* You need that. You also need to know you're not alone in your feelings, nor what happened to you. As a child, I was molested, and it does do a huge hit to your self-esteem, and how you feel about yourself. But hang in there. Because while the hurt never goes away, with the proper nurturing, it does get easier.
Just earlier this week, I was feeling much the same way as you are now. But I know now that people care. People who don't have to care. Just as they care for you. Because you are a human being, and because you are worth something. It's hard. And I'm not gonna tell you it changes quickly, but just as the wonderful people on this site told me in my time of need, I will tell you:
Don't give up. Keep fighting, and stay alive, because you deserve to live just as much as anyone out there.
Another thing someone here told me: You reached out because you didn't want to give up. You reached out because you still have some fighting fire left. So hold onto that. I can't offer you much else but encouraging words, and a shoulder to cry on, if you should need it, but know that your problems are very personal to me, as your fight is mine. You have support.
I don't know you, but I know you deserve to live, and that you're not worthless. I know that you're not stupid or ugly. You're just lost, and it's hard to make it through when you get lost like that. I know that you're get huge, and I do mean huge amounts of support from these people here, because they gave me the same thing.
I care about you, and so does every other person who posted you back. And MM (who really should be sainted by this point). So hang tough girly, and know that you're alive for a reason, and that people care. Someday something's gotta change for the better. You can do this. You'll have your good days and your lapses, but you can do this.
Love,
Nano
I think it was one of your posts that inspired me to ask my question. If it can be called a question. So as much as I regret putting such a burden on a guy who seems to get this a lot, deals with problems of heartache, and generally answers questions... I guess it's kind of helping. And you're right. He really should be made a saint.
You---I remember reading the comments on your question. I remember reading your responses. I found it admirable how much of a fire you have. Sometimes, like right now, I catch myself wanting to say "when I grow up, I wanna be like you!' but then I remember I'm already grown up. So I guess "I'd like to emulate you more in the future" will just have to do.
I know you can do this. I'm all a hot mess, and people still have faith in me. I know you can do this, and have faith in you. *hugs* If you ever want to contact me, I'm more than willing to give info, just because it helps to have friends who know what you're going through. We all have weak times. It's just a matter of having someone understand those weak times.
I know that days since I posted that question, I've smiled so much more just knowing that people have my back. Opportunities I did not have before have arisen for me, because I took the step of admitting to someone my thoughts. I believe things will open to you in the same way, because you opened up to others. So I'm offering that same thing to you, hon. I believe you do have the same fire I do. It's just been buried and out of sight so long, it's hard to remember it's there.
But it still is. You're strong.
If you wouldn't mind sharing that with me, I would be very grateful. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it would be really nice to know people that have been there and understand.
kristin.brickey@yahoo.com
Hit me up anytime. I'm usually around some sort of computer, so if you mail me, I'll get it. We gotta stick together!
I agree with you - so I sent you an email this morning.
I guess this part goes out to anyone reading this, but I'd like to be able to help people too. I'm not much of a problem solver, as y'all can clearly see, but I'm not terrible as a listener. So if anyone needs an ear, or just wants to chat, or something, my email address is sarah.felix1991@gmail.com.
i have the biggest smile on my face reading your comments here : )
Well, a big part of why those comments are possible is because of you and the others who commented on my own. It reminds me a lot of that song "Chain of Love" by Clay Walker. "you don't owe me a thing, I've been there too, someone once helped me out, just the way I'm helping you."
It just makes me happy that I can extend the help I got to someone else.
tears. good ones. bless your heart, i am touched, don't say that often. thank you. words to LIVE by.
Figured it was something like that.
Listen to Cin - a therapist with experience in treating child abuse is what you need.
Now, you are showing definite signs of life in your answers, which is more pleasing to me than you can ever know.
And stop apologising - if I hadn't wanted to answer you, I would not have! You see you went negative there, over something you had no more control over than you do of the moon or tides.
One thing shines out from your comments. Underneath everything there is a healthy psyche just waiting to get out. Much of it is still about 7 years old, not surprising that you revert to "safe time" but the health is there.
You are badly bent, yes, but not broken.
Would you mind clarifying that last part, please? I sound like a 7-year-old, or...?
I do see about the negativity over what could not be controlled. You're not the only one to have called me out on that - as you can see. I guess I've gotten so accustomed to being at fault/in the wrong or, okay, thinking I was, that I just do that automatically. Maybe a good start would be to work harder at recognizing that?
OK, now I am NOT a professional. Just know people and have had some training and teaching on the mind. So, your therapist, when you get a decent one (and I would report your last one to whatever professional body he claims to belong to - the guy sounds like a total dick), takes priority, right? Bear that in mind, and I'll explain.
When we are under a lot of stress, we hide in our own minds. Usually, we revert back to the last time we felt safe. The last time you felt truly safe, you were 6 or 7 years old.
That is NOT YOUR FAULT!
You do not sound like a 7 year old. You are an adult. The safe and warm core of you is a mix of that 7 year old and your adult state.
That foul person really did a number on you and deserves death. But you don't need to carry it any more.
Please be assured that when I ask these things, I'm not using you as a replacement for a professional. That would be stupid on my part and completely unfair to you.
I do plan on talking to a professional, as soon as I can. The urgency of doing so was lost on me until a minute ago when I was thinking of replying to another kind comment. Even given what you've said, I didn't see what bearing my sordid little past could have on today. Then I read what I'd written: that I can remember all the insults, and the blows, and the 'play-wrestling' matches on the trampoline. I remember being told that I was just too disgusting for anyone else ever to touch. I can remember everything vividly, perfectly, down to the yellow and black teeth in his sneer. And I ask myself, how could that possibly not have an effect.
I could almost laugh at how absurd it is if I didn't find it so sickening.
So - given that, I'd like to ask you one other thing if I may. If it isn't my fault (and I honestly couldn't tell you the reason why all that happened), then, with a better therapist, do you think that 7-year-old state would remain the safe place?
No.
With a better therapist, you will get beyond it. Your safe place will become where you are AFTER therapy.
That is as it should be. You are adult. Being able to talk to your childhood self is good.
Yes, it happened. It was devastating. I CAN NOT possibly understand how devastating - yet other people who have replied here can and do, so you are still not alone. Remember that. You are NOT ALONE. Ever.
You survived. You are tougher than you know, and that I respect. You didn't block out the memories, like many children do. No blame to those who do, but you recall it all.
It will make healing easier in the long run. Not comfortable to live with, but you KNOW why. That helps more than you can know at the moment.
Get a good therapist. Do not lie to him or her ever. It is your mind, and you need to speak it.
You already feel better for talking about it, right? Yeah, I know there is a little shame and a little "not wanting to be a bother" there.
I'll keep an eye out, but you need nothing more now than your own spirit and steel.
Good Luck and Bless You.
he's right, about everything, and yes he should be Sainted : ) don't waste time trying to figure out why this happened to you, i know it seems like that will make it better and easier for you to deal with, but it doesn't. and the reason is irrelevant to your healing. this happened because someone was sick and demented, and they took it out on you. they had no skills, no moral compass, and no capacity or empathy to understand the long term ramifications of their actions. and even if they did, they wouldn't care. people that do this kind of thing are a special personality all in themselves, and if they don't get help or incarcerated, they spend the rest of their lives repeating the cycle. that is not your problem. he is a sick tortured soul that deserves no more attention or time from you. just focus on you. it's not your fault. it is his. you don't need to know or understand why to heal. keep shopping for therapists until you find one that fits and gets you. you will. keep the faith.
Okay! So, I've had a good night's sleep and thought about what you all have said. And now I'm going to go look up some therapists. Because though talking to you all has helped a lot, when it happens again - as it always has - it would be a good idea to have a large brick to block the revolving door, so to speak.
I can't offer a sincere enough thank-you to everyone here, every single one. In the midst of everything, it's so easy to feel alone. No words that I have could express my gratitude for the kindness and compassion - and, not least of all, advice and help! - that I've gotten here.
But I have the feeling that you'd understand anyway.
Thanks again!
Can I just say, as an outsider, without much to contribute to the heaviness of this thread, that I have tears in my eyes right now. Not because of how much you all have suffered and survived, but because of the LOVE and compassion pouring out right here.
All of the people who have contributed here are beautiful beautiful people! Especially the asker, for bringing all of this love out of everyone!
It's easy to forget how many good people there are in the world, isn't it? Especially when sometimes it seems like the bad people are the ones that are the loudest and get the most attention in the world.
Even if things get dark and scary again, I'm going to try to remember everyone here so I can remember also that even the night sky has stars. That includes you.
Sparrow- life can be pretty darn sweet. I have no doubt that you will sort through the horrors of your past and learn how to quiet those thoughts so you can live the happy life you deserve.
You didn't volunteer for the abuse and it sucks that it takes so much work to recover. I still have moments when I am so pissed about my past but I know how to find a safe outlet for that anger. For the most part, I'm ok, happy and content. I wish the same for you because you are worth it.