He obviously didn't think he needed your approval. And he's right.
I understand your desire to be consulted--sort of--but he is an adult and can make his own choices, no? And it's a tattoo--so what? If he decided to move to Outer Mongolia without consulting you, I could understand your concern. But we're talking about a tattoo here. Unless the tattoo is on his forehead and reads, "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing to the side on which you usually walk, tattoos don't have much bearing on a relationship.
I'm not sure why this bothers you so much. Maybe he never asks your opinion and this is just the latest incident. Maybe you have control issues. Either way, it's his body and he can do what he wants. Being consulted ahead of time is nice but not mandatory, and certainly not something to be upset about, if you ask me. And you did.
If being consulted before he does things is that important to you, I suggest you bring it up to him. He might have no problem doing so, but I don't think he owes it to you or anyone else.
Thanks for the question.
You have a serious control issue here. To paraphrase the pro-choice movement, his body, his choice.
I wouldn't be surprised if he does move to Outer Mongolia now.
I don't know if it is a serious control issue - it might be or perhaps it is because she would have mentioned it to him had she been thinking about inking herself. Should she say anything to him if she were getting a nose job or breast implants? He would know soon enough but he might wonder why she didn't mention it.
Her question wasn't about mentioning, it was about him asking for her approval.
It would be like him telling her she can or cannot, or, must get a breast implant or nose job.
Even though he wanted a tattoo, she obviously didn't want him to have one otherwise she would not be this upset.
No it wasn't, it said "Why didn't he ask how I FELT" Not "Why didn't he ask if he was allowed"
Why would how she ***FELT*** have any relevance if this was merely a communications issue? Having a FEELING about something implies an investment in the outcome or situation, in this case about him getting a tattoo. If this was really only about communications, she should have said something like “Why did my boyfriend of three years not *TELL* me he was getting a tattoo before he had it done?!"
My bf has tatttoos. the first two can be covered by a short sleave shirt. When he got the last one all the way down his arm to his wrist.... I didn't like it much. But it doesn't really affect me.
Idk guys... a tattoo is a permanent change to your body - if my man got one without so much as mentioning it to me, I'd be upset too. If both partners in a relationship view the relationship as permanent, then any PERMANENT decisions the individuals in the relationship make ought to be brought up to the other partner at least once before going through with it.
exactly. she's not saying she wanted to control his decision or even have a part in making the decision, she's more wondering why he didn't even ask her opinion first because something that permanent would in a way affect her too. it's probably more wondering why he didn't do something she wouldn't have thought twice about doing if the roles were reversed... which I think is understandable. maybe on some level she values the relationship more than he does or sees more in it than he does... or he's just not the type to look for input when making major decisions. either way I think she has a valid concern.
If the roles were reversed and a man had asked this question here, or, if the OP asked why her BF of three years is upset she got a tattoo without "asking her how he felt about her getting" a tattoo, this dude would be getting flamed and called out on. There would be shouts of "a woman has control over her own body!" and "Girl you don't need a man's approval to change your body!" He would have accusations of misogyny and sexism hurled at him. And being controlling. There would be calls for her to dump him.
Well, guess what, it goes both ways.
Her question specifically asked why he didn't ask her how she *FELT* about him getting the tattoo. Sorry, but this implies she wanted more than simple notification, she clearly wanted control over the decision. He probably knows this too and why he did it without telling her because he knew she wouldn't let him.
Sure its considerate to tell your partner, but even a man has the final decision what to do with his body. I know I would appreciate my wife telling me she wanted to do something to her body like that but I also know that at the end of the day, it's her decision, not mine.
And how the hell would a tattoo affect her? It's only a tattoo. He didn't go off and adopt a kid, he didn't buy a sports car using their joint bank account, and I am sure he didn't run away to Mongolia (not yet anyway). Unless like WA says its in-your-face and deragatory about her, it has no more affect than changing his hairstyle would. Insisting a small change like this affects you is another indicator of being controlling.
I think you're reading too much into what she's implying/wanting. Maybe she'd only just found out about it and used the question box to vent her feelings of 'wtf' before sitting down and considering the situation.
I guess we disagree on what it means for her to want her bf to care how she feels about his tattoo. I stand by my statement that she isn't trying to insert herself into the decision making process, but wondering why he didn't want to at least share his idea with her, which seem reasonable to me in this serious of a relationship. he didn't even have to ask her input, but to not even bring it up to your gf of 3 years? it's not a huge crime or anything but like posters below me said it seems a communication problem at the very least.
and are you saying if your wife came home one day with a tattoo out of the blue, you would be 100% ok with it?
We differ in our view and that's fine - good even. And we kinda agree in another question. I've been in a relationship with a very controlling woman in the past, and the way she worded her question brought back memories, thus my perspective on this. Obviously I could be wrong about her.
I agree it's polite and courteous to talk about getting a tattoo. The fact he didn't also indicates to me a controlling relationship. Again, this is from my own experience, where it became easier just to do things without saying anything than to listen to the nagging harping about how I must do things. Again, I could be wrong.
Honestly, I would not be upset with her, not over a tattoo, unless it was one of those high-priced diamond-implanted tattoos. It's one of those things just not worth getting worked up over. Something like buying a big ticket item without talking about it, getting a plastic surgury, without talking about it, that would upset me. We've agreed to a small monthly entertainment allowance that were free to spend as we please, but agreed to save up the rest of our surplus income, and either one of us using our savings without talking to the other would violate that agreement and be a fair cause to be upset about.
that makes sense... I guess we can't tell enough without some back story whether this situation is the result of her being controlling or him being thoughtless. And the problem isn't the tattoo itself, which I agree isn't that big a deal, but a flawed system of communication.
I think it's fair enough to be put out, it's not just about ownership and control, it's about the messages his actions send out. I mean when my boyfriend was considering getting a tattoo he asked me what I thought, he didn't have to and we both knew he'd get it done if he wanted to anyway, but he asked to let me know that I mattered to him and he cared enough about me to counter me into the decisions he makes. Going and getting one without even telling your SO kinda sends out 'I'll do what I want and to hell with you' messages.
I kind of understand...at one point my at the time boyfriend got one of those juggalo style clown tattoos. It looked terrible and made me very uncomfortable. I wouldn't have expected him to ask first, but a heads up would have been nice, before he took off his shirt and I happened to notice a terrifying clown looking back at me from his shoulder.
I would definitely ask my boyfriends opinion before getting another tattoo. His decision wouldn't rule over mine, but a second opinion on something that will be on your body forever is not a bad idea.
I'd be most worried about him being an ICP fan.
I think its sad that after three years, they aren't better friends that he would just tell her about getting one.
My bf and I were together less than a month when he got a tattoo with his friends, I thought it was stupid yes but I didn't say anything because it wasn't my place to do so and he was so excited to get it. Point is I think there is more of a problem with communication then this girl realizes.
Bingo. That's what I think was missing- communication. After three years, come on.
It's weird that he didn't talk to her about. Not permission, but just being excited about it and asking about style. When I get a tattoo or piercing it's all I've been thinking about for awhile, and so of course my close friends and s.o. hear about it. They probably hear more about it than they want to.
It's not so much can I, but s.o.'s are often a partnof the decision process of the where's, what colors, what of. "I really want a dragon but now I can't decide between a tradition medieval one that I've always wanted or something like that cool tribal one I saw on that guy last week. What do you think honey?"
And not in a consulting, may I have permission sort of way. But what if she finds tattoos very unattractive. She might find him less physically appealing (I love tattooed men, but not everyone does). It could be a huge deal if it's a larger tattoo that she can't forget about it or ignore it. Again, not permission, but saying "Hey, I know you really hate tattoos but this is something that's really important to me...ect..." would let her know that he acknowledges her strong opinion and realizes that it might have a greater impact on her than it would on other people.
I don't have any problem with an s.o. getting a tattoo, but I think it's weird that she's been with a guy for three years and he doesn't want to share something important and exciting with her. It sounds to me that they aren't very close, and he doesn't want to share his life and passions with her. Like I said that's my concern not that he doesn't consult her but that after three years he's not excited about sharing this with her.
That's why I strongly suspect she is the controlling type. Aside from the way she worded her question, that her BF who been with her for three years felt the need to get a tattoo without talking to her suggests she is the controlling type. I should know since I have been in a relationship with a controlling woman in the past. I've also had friend in such relationships too.
Controlling people, rather than picking their battles, make just about everything a we-make-our-final-stand-here battle, the "my way or the highway" attitude. If this is the case here, I can understand why her BF would just go and get it done, because either she would not want him to do it, or, she would demand to be the one to pick the design and where the tattoo went. After a while, after so many arguments over minor issues, you start to just do things yourself. You don't share, because sharing requires mutuality, which little or none exists within a controlling relationship.
But I could be wrong and he could simply be a thoughtless cad.
I could only hope it was just her wording the question because of the limited space, however I don't hold my breath.
Men, women, all can be controlling, and this could be her bf's way to taking back some control ( in other words:grow a pair).
It's very possible that this is a stand, or a rebellion against her, but if you have to rebel, it's time to end the relationship. It's not worth living in a war zone.
I dreamt for 10 years of all my piercings, I finally have them all, but I still asked what my bf thought, he admitted he wasn't comfy with them, but he respected I want him, and now he realizes he has an easy out for christmas and b-day presents and kinda likes them, lol.
Bringing it up in a long term relationship just makes sense, any sort of body mod, whether or not you still plan to do it after you talk, its decent to not shock someone with it.
Kind of in the same boat. My guy got a tattoo a few weeks ago, and when I found out he'd made the appointment I was a little thrown off. I'd known he wanted it, but suddenly it was happening with no warning at all. Plus, I'd really just had a bad day and it felt like everything had changed while I spent the semester abroad.
He sent me a picture afterwards and asked what I thought. At first I just said, "I like it. I'm sure I'll love it in a few days, I just need to get used to it."
Really, I think this girl was probably just taken aback. Especially if they've been dating for three years, jeez.
Simple answer... It is his body and his choice,no matter how long you have been dating.
Ya know, I might have gotten this one wrong. After reading your comments I can see why she's upset. Communication is a big deal, as someone pointed out. I still believe that it's his right to do what he wants, but a courtesy FYI wouldn't have hurt him. I think there's a lot more to this that we don't know.
Thanks for the great comments, y'all.
wow, people making a lot of assumptions about a person from a one sentence question. she just wanted him to ask her how he felt about it, i didn't see the word approval request or permission slip in her question. i would be taken aback a bit too if i was with someone for 3 years and they got a tattoo without it ever having come up in conversation prior to that, but it would depend on the circumstances which we do not know. there is a big difference between being taken aback and having control issues though. do i expect them to ask my approval? no. why would he do that? he probably feared she would freak about it, or something. is it a deal breaker? i don't think so. i don't see him moving to outer mongolia because she is upset about it as has been suggested, i think that's being a little dramatic. but i do agree that he didn't NEED to discuss it with her, she just probably feels a little slighted that he didn't. even if i was married to someone and wanted to get one, i likely wouldn't expect to get their approval. would i discuss it with them prior to doing it? hm i don't know if i would or wouldn't, again, it depends on the circumstance. if i ever got a tattoo it would probably be one of those spur of the moment things when i was out with a girlfriend getting one or something and the notion just grabbed me, so no i wouldn't bring it up until after the fact. and that could very well be what happened here. i like the support commenters on this site offer sometimes, and that is probably what the OP was looking for as well from both Cary and the readers. i think Cary nailed it, as usual. i ALSO think deciding this is a controlling relationship without knowing the person is a bit harsh and judgmental.
But if you went ahead and got a spur of the moment tattoo, you wouldn't expect your man to be upset, right? Neither should he be, since its your choice not his. Absolutely it is polite to talk about it beforehand and people in good relationships do talk about changes such as getting a tattoo
Anyway, I was the only one who actually said it was a control issue. That was based on the context of the words she used along with my own experiences being in a controlling relationship.
The thing is, controlling people in a friendship or romantic relation seldom use words like "permission", "approval", or "control". Rather what they usually do is manipulate the situation and make it about them, more specifically about their feelings Often very subtly. People can in fact be controlling without either party being aware of it, and there's different levels of control too. She said "FELT" and "before he got it" that strongly suggests she had a position about him getting a tattoo. That she asks here suggests her position was him not having one. That in spite being together for three years he didn't as much as tell her, suggests he knew she wouldn't "approve", they would probably argue about it, and he went and got it, hoping she'd get to accept it.
I admit speculation derived from contextual analysis, he could just be an inconsiderate jerk.
the one point i will agree with you on is that, derived from contextual analysis, it is easy to think that some people are just jerks. i don't believe her boyfriend is though.
This kinda depends on how it went down. I mean did he get his whole back tattooed, or did he get a small tattoo on his arm? Is it something general or something wierd? And maybe he didn't mention "hey I'm going out to get a tattoo tomorrow" but were you previously aware of his desire to get one at some point? I mean over the course of three years if he had the desire to get some work done I'd think it would come up at some point.
I know I want my entire back done, and almost have it all planned out. My girlfriend is aware of my desire to get tattoos and has seen a couple rough ideas of what its gonna be but recently it hasn't come up. But its safe to say before I get it done she's gonna know. Not so much because I need her approval or anything like that, but just cuz shes the top person on my list for talking to about stuff going on in my life so it's bviously something I'm gonna bring up.
If my man wanted a tattoo and didn't tell me id be mad as shit too. The women is the one who had to look at it and touch him and if she doesn't like it what if the man is then unattractive afterwards. its a,permanent life changing decision that your permanent life changing partner should have a say in let alone notification.