We process things differently from gals, one of the few things John Gray actually got right in his book.
Problems, worries, stress - guys fix them themselves, rather than looking weak to others. Or at least pull back and take the time to look their problems over before talking about them. It's what we are taught, what is expected of us, and there are some suggestions it is hardwired in to us.
Dumb - maybe.
Normal - yes.
Put up with it, just letting him know you are there to talk when he needs it. He'll talk when he is ready. It beats the fights that happen if he thinks you are nagging.
Ahh, &#*^! I was about to ask a similar question. Someone beat me to it!!! Oh well... Saved me the mental exhaustion of shortening my million trail of thoughts down to 320 characters.
Am still trying to process stuff about how men and women communicate differently. I now notice that my way of figuring things out is to try and talk to my SO about stuff, which is exactly the opposite of how he figures things out. Which is why I asked RP days ago, how much of our problems can we unload to the guy?
Probably, while it should be safe and definite that you can talk about whatever you want comfortably with your partner, there comes a point when you can't treat him like your bestest gal pal, right?
I dunno. All I know is good communication is key to a good relationship.
Hmmmmm....
Good communication is the DEFINITION of a good relationship.
But, you need to know when to communicate. If he is thinking over a problem, he will not want to talk at all. Forcing him to talk before he is ready will simply get him very annoyed. Give him a while to brood before asking him what's up.
At the same time, he needs to learn that when you have a problem, you need to talk it out, like right now.
very very very true. when my guy is in a bad mood it's better for me to leave him on his own for a bit (i go to a different room) and then he always comes to me when he's ready. makes it easier for both of us, 'cause when i can't do anything to help him and he gets moody it kinda puts me in a bad mood (sometimes it's hard not to take it personally).
Yep. What I hate to is that I go through stupid thoughts. "Did I do something wrong? Was it something I said?" to "Does he still love me? Is our relationship doomed?" Funny how I get to that point when all he ever did was "go to the man cave" to think things through.
Sheesh. Us. Women. ;p
Ahh. Another big "T" in a relationship (trust, being the first): TIMING.
What do you mean by one of the few things John Gray ACTUALLY got right. Do you think most of the book was incorrect?
I do think that. To me, most of it is an excuse for a guy to be a jerk while the woman puts up with it.
Can you suggest any books that are pretty spot on? Maybe you guys should just write a book....
My thoughts exactly. Get together and put all of these thoughts into a book!
My thoughts exactly. Get together all of y'all GuySpeak Gurus and write a book! It's about time, Mystery Man!
Oddly enough, I have a ton of notes for a book on relationships, which I have been working on for a couple of years and should be finished sometime before the sun becomes a cinder.
A guyspeak book though, would have to be approved by our editors and their bosses. Might be time to ask them!
Why is it the womans job to compromise her needs to meet his needs of being sulky?
How is it better behavior for a guy to spill all his thoughts out so that he can be helped sorting them out rather than thinking through them on his own.
If a person needs to be left alone to mull things over it really isn't too much to ask. It's just basic respect to give him room to breathe.
No compromising her needs - except her need to be nosy when a guy is trying to think. Too much to ask?
what needs are being compromised by respecting someone's space?
I think in this case, diplomacy is key. If it's frustrating to see a guy distancing himself every time he has a problem, tell him how it makes you feel, but then always say that ultimately, it's up to him to seek help if he needs to, and that you'll always be there to listen.
That way he's aware of how you feel when he starts sulking, but in the same time he knows you're there for him when he's ready.
I'm a girl and I act like a guy when I have problems.
I don't want to pester other people with them and prefer to be left alone until I sort things out, because only I *myself* am responsible for my happiness. I expect the same from my boyfriend - while it's nice of him to care about me, he should be able to be a full happy person on his own, and leave me alone when I need some privacy.
I don't know why most women (and some guys) feel the need to get involved into everything. It's nothing personal against my significant other if I don't want to share completely everything with them (or anyone else for that matter). It's just how I process things best.
Same here. I have no problem sharing problems/issues/dilemmas with people once I've had time to at least slightly deal with them on my own. But in the heigth of emotion, I just wanna be left alone and sort through it by myself. This is one of the reasons I don't have many girl friends.. sometimes girls have trouble understanding that people (especially other girls.. from guys it has become somewhat expected) don't actually want to talk through every feeling and problem, and become insulted when you'd rather deal with it alone.
My guy & I decided if he needed time & space he could text the word "retreat". It let me know I didn't do anything wrong, he just needed time to himself. Happy to say in the 3 or 4 months since he could "retreat" anytime, he hasn't felt the need to.
good system (if you ever need to use it) :)