Sorry, did you say something?
Hey, you knew that one was coming.
Yes, some guys tend to tune out their wives and girlfriends. I'm guilty of it myself occasionally. My wife calls it selective hearing. I call it partial hearing loss from too many years of listening to crappy music like KISS and Foghat in headphones turned all the way up to 11. And -- yeah -- some selective hearing, too.
I'm not really sure why we do it. I was about to quote the old bit about how the average woman speaks three times as many words a day as the average man, until I read that recent studies dispute this theory. Other research suggests that the male brain has less capacity to process conversation than the female brain. Some might even consider it subtle chauvinism based on the archaic notion that what a woman has to say is less important than what a man says. Who knows?
Me, I don't think men tune out women any more than women tune out men, so I'm not surprised that there is no clear-cut answer. Every situation is different. In my house it has a lot to do with timing: I'm a morning person and my wife is a night owl, so I can't process important info from her at 11:30 at night, which is when she wants to talk. When I'm ready to listen or talk in the morning, she's too tired and shuts me out. It goes both ways.
So my answer, unfortunately, is a non-answer, one-half "I don't agree" and the other half "I don't know." Talk to your pharmacist or ask Jesus -- they're both pretty smart.
That street goes both ways at my house too. I know I'm guilty of tuning out my husband sometimes, and there are times that I am talking to him when I know he isn't hearing a word that I'm saying either. Part of it is that we sometimes choose the wrong time to try to talk like you said. One of us isn't listening because we are distracted by something else, and we don't give our spouse our undivided attention. We have different schedules here too. It is hard to talk to someone who isn't there. Life is just full of so many things---comings and goings, and things that have to be done, the kids, the pets, work, church, social events, extended family, etc.--that we rarely have the time to just sit down together and talk and really listen to each other. Conversations are on the fly as one or the other of us is heading out the door. It's no wonder we have problems communicating. Having been married for 24 years, part of it in my house may be that we just know each other so well that we think we already know what the other one is going to say about something. Trouble with that is, we aren't always right in those assumptions.
I don't know, I'd have to hear a sound byte of Woodwoman's voice before I could weigh in. If it at all resembles a trombone, then she answered her own question.
Hey, don't call KISS and Foghat "crappy music". I love it.
I'd agree that there are several reasons for the selective hearing and that it's not gender specific. Being a morning vs night person was a factor with my ex. I always tell people to not talk to me before noon if it's important. I won't hear it. I won't remember it. I will not want to discuss it.
I also think there's something to the hearing loss theory. It might not even be real hearing loss. I just know there are certain tones I don't hear as well as others. So, there are some voices I hear better than others. I've learned to compensate by having people I don't hear as well face me when they're talking. That way, we both know we have each other's full attention when we're talking.
Yeah, no Foghat dissing around these parts. As for KISS, I quote the band themselves: "You wanted the best, you got the best!"
Re: Foghat... I went to an Atlanta Falcons game a few years ago and a band was playing "Slow Ride" on stage at a parking lot tailgate party. We thought it was an odd choice; my friend David said, "Who the heck still plays Foghat?" When the song was over, the DJ got on the mic and said, "Everybody give it up for Foghat!" It was them.
Odd trivia: actor Nick Jameson, who played psychic Richard Malkin in "Lost" (the guy who told Claire not to let anyone else raise her baby), was a member of Foghat.
Until this post, I wasn't even aware the female of the species could produce sound. i always thought of them as well-meaning, if insistent mimes. Thank you, Cary McNeal, for revealing the truth to me, and my staggering misogyny to the world at large.
I live to serve, brother.
"Even Gene Simmons is sick of KISS." Sorry, had to throw out a quote from a marginally funny movie. (Role Models, anyone?) Seemed appropriate.
Personally, I think people talk too damn much, in general. This goes for men and women - how can you help but tune them out if they never STFU? I think of it as self-preservation; I need to tune out the white noise or I'd go crazy due to unfinished internal monologues. Girlfriend needs her quiet time.
Because half the time she doesn't start to tell me something until I've just left the room.
I think part of it is the common and recurrent themes in what's being said. I know from my own experience, I always feel like I'm in an episode of a show called Deja Vu where every convesation is one Ive had before and I have to figure out who said it before the hour runs out. It's like 24 meets Pushing Daisies meets Who's Line Is It Anyway?
It's a terrible existence really.
I think timing has a lot to do with it. I think you're right there, Cary.
It's the same way in our house. I'm a night owl and I want to get chatty at midnight. I'm not a morning person. Jim just wants to sleep pretty much from the moment he gets home from work and wants to chat my ears off in the AM.
We both tune each other out. Also, if we're both preoccupied with other concerns (work, finances, can I really afford that next tattoo?...) it's not a good time to have discussions about something that's important to you.
To solve this problem, in our house we each preface with "I need to talk to you about something that's important to me. When would be a good time for you?" It solves a lot of annoyances and each person feels they get heard.
I have done this to every single g/f I have ever had including my mom, sister and every other woman in my life. In fact, my g/f has a speech impediment - she stops every now and then to take a breath.
How are we guys supposed to process all that crap. Most of the time our girls are complaining about something or the other. "That girl is such a bitch. I feel so fat. I hate my dad. I can't believe she did that. Look at the stars." SHUT THE HELL UP! We just don't care.
If you have a problem I can solve, tell me. But no, you don't want to hear a solution. But rather you want o torture me with your never ending string of words that can't even fit in my brain.
Let me tell you that I always try to solve their problems. But no, I get yelled at for it. So now, I have a new solution. "Oh yes baby, I know, I know, uh huh. awww, man. that sucks, damn, aaah, hmmm, uh huh, yes"
And courtesy of Chris Rock, I always throw in, "I told you that bitch is crazy." They eat this shit up like its manna from heaven. And the best part is that you don't even have to bother helping them. Just continue studying or watching your movie or whatever it is you're doing and pretend to listen.
They catch you once in a while but it's worth it for all the pointless babble you avoid.
You're welcome, guys everywhere.
Just a thought, but perhaps you are dating women who are completely unsuited for you. Not every woman talks smack and gossip constantly. Sounds like thats just the kind of woman you have been choosing.
I am female, and offering a solution to your rather long bitching session about women bitching too much and not wanting solutions. :) Pick girls with substance, and be honest about your dislike of smalltalk instead of ignoring them. And perhaps quit being such a hypocrite.
*errata
cancel "including" and insert "and" in the first sentence.
My husband of 25 years tunes me out all of the time. It makes me feel like the least important thing in his world when I am talking with him and he starts reading office emails on his Blackberry. It makes me feel like a piece of garbage when we go out for dinner and he would rather play games on his Blackberry than have a conversation with me.
He tells me that I am an intelligent and beautiful woman but he would rather spend his weekend on Facebook or planted in front of the TV than with me.
Now that the kids have grown, I decided that 25 years of this was enough. I have gone back to college and will focus on expanding my career. If my husband doesn't have time to talk to me, then I guess I need to fill my life with other people who do.