Why do you think you need other people to validate your existance?
Look, being a kid of critical or indifferent parents is hard. You need their approval and they simply don't give it. You could always do better/be fast/stronger/smarter/better behaved. That stuff burrows deep into your self confidence.
You know what? You are an adult now. The only persons permission and approval you need is your own.
Sit down, take a good look at yourself. You turned out that bad?
No. You didn't.
You did that. You made you who you are. No one else.
Yeah, you feel a bit lonely. Go out and do a couple of casual pickups. In those cases you know the guy is into you for you - nothing else. Time to get your self confidence up, and only you can do that.
Did you really suggest she goes and picks up blokes to make her feel better about herself?
Just.. I know people who do that, and it's more of a symptom of their feelings of inadequacy than a solution :/
Telling her to go pick up guys is a contradiction of you telling her that she doesn't need other people to validate herself. =(
Was the last paragraph written by a different person??
i didn't interpret it that way. but the guys do always say that just putting your confident self out there will attract more people than staying in your shell. i think he's just advising her to open up more.
And is a casual pickup really a guy who is into you for you or into you for what you can help him do??
I really liked it up until that last paragraph. I agree that the QA needs to do some soul searching and build up her confidence, but MM, do you think you could come back and explain your reasoning for that last bit, cuz I'm not following?? (scratches head)
Correct me if my assumptions are wrong here, but I think the main difference lies between the definition of a pickup and a hookup.
With the former, there is some form of confidence to be gained when you can get a guy to come over and (legitimately) want to spend a few minutes of his day talking to a complete and total stranger. Maybe something great could come of it, maybe nothing, but that's the point of it being a casual pickup, right?
I dunno. I could be wrong, but that was my interpretation.
It's simple.
Go get laid by someone who is attacted to you as you with no strings or fuss.
Works for guys, why shouldn't it work for gals?
because girls don't approach sexual relationships the same way as guys. if she's already having attachment/attention issues, casual hookups are the opposite of what she needs right now.
Whoa, no, I don't think MM's advice and follow-up of hooking up would work for a girl who experienced early rejection out of her control and now seeks to try and control rejection (not entirely consciously) by feeling attracted to someone who is indifferent. E.g. if she can get someone who seems indifferent (reverse indifference, thus win), then it isn't her fault she was more or less ignored by her father. It isn't exactly an Electra Complex (not the comic character!) - just a need for positive affirmation from a chosen male figure who initially seems indifferent and then can come to change his mind. Personally, I think our brain pathways and chemicals get rewired when we grow up one way with hurt and craving (i.e. attraction) getting intermixed.
It could also be that being continuously attracted to emotionally-unavailable people is a form of self-protection, as she can never care deeply for them and then be rejected. Subconscious self-preservation strikes again!
She recognises she has this issue, probably realised it is related to her childhood and with those handy ideas can tell herself 'Yes, I have this issue. Now all I have to do is consciously work at ignoring my attraction when it is to indifferent people. I will not be the circus pony, I will not jump through the hoop.' Brain retraining, basically.
I totally disagree with mystery man's advice to find validation through a quick lay. Yes, she may feel temporarly beautiful and admired but females get attached emotionally much easier and when the moment is over she will again feel abandoned and feel the need for attention/validation.
We search for validation simply b/c its human nature to want to be loved, respected, and supported - especially by those who we believe are suppossed to deliver that - like our parents.
To the questionair - You ARE awesome, beautiful, strong, and amazing whether or not certain peoplerealize it! Don't let them rob you of your self confidence - take it back girlfriend!
Try posting positive quotes where you'll see them eveyday. Always look in the mirror and tell yourself, no matter how hard it is, something good about yourself. Make a list of goals you've always wanted to accomplish and try to tackle them one at a time, maybe taking a class to learn something new, working out regularly, or finally cleaning out that junk drawer. Always surround yourself with people that build you up and ignore those that bring you down. Surround yourslef with a calm, relaxing, and happy environment to help you feel peaceful. Show others around you love, respect, and kindness b/c doing good for others will always make you feel good about yourslef. When the negative thoughts about your self worth come in banish them - you have to be the first person to tell yourself your worth it, b/c if you don't believe it no one else will.
The journey of taking your self-worth away from others and putting it back on your accomplishments is a hard one but it is one that will greatly improve your life and will be well worth it. I wish you the best of luck.
p.s. sorry for the super long response. i just know people who are always looking for validation in others and it saddens me - if my response to this question can help someone like that then it was well worth all the space it took up.
I totally disagree with mystery man's advice to find validation through a quick lay. Yes, she may feel temporarly beautiful and admired but females get attached emotionally much easier and when the moment is over she will again feel abandoned and feel the need for attention/validation.
We search for validation simply b/c its human nature to want to be loved, respected, and supported - especially by those who we believe are suppossed to deliver that - like our parents.
To the questionair - You ARE awesome, beautiful, strong, and amazing whether or not certain peoplerealize it! Don't let them rob you of your self confidence - take it back girlfriend!
Try posting positive quotes where you'll see them eveyday. Always look in the mirror and tell yourself, no matter how hard it is, something good about yourself. Make a list of goals you've always wanted to accomplish and try to tackle them one at a time, maybe taking a class to learn something new, working out regularly, or finally cleaning out that junk drawer. Always surround yourself with people that build you up and ignore those that bring you down. Surround yourslef with a calm, relaxing, and happy environment to help you feel peaceful. Show others around you love, respect, and kindness b/c doing good for others will always make you feel good about yourslef. When the negative thoughts about your self worth come in banish them - you have to be the first person to tell yourself your worth it, b/c if you don't believe it no one else will.
The journey of taking your self-worth away from others and putting it back on your accomplishments is a hard one but it is one that will greatly improve your life and will be well worth it. I wish you the best of luck.
p.s. sorry for the super long response. i just know people who are always looking for validation in others and it saddens me - if my response to this question can help someone like that then it was well worth all the space it took up.
Its self sabotage. You need to learn rejection is normal and you have to learn by experiencing what's good and bad for you. Don't be afraid to feel.
Its self sabotage. You need to learn rejection is normal and you have to learn by experiencing what's good and bad for you. Don't be afraid to feel.