For me, strength is what kept me with my abusive ex. I had promised him I'd never turn my back on him. He was hurting, but he was trying to get his life together, and I was dedicated enough to him to see it through with him without judgement or running away.
Finally forcing myself to see the truth- that he wasn't really trying to get better, that despite his professions to the contrary, he actually felt justified in his actions- took a different kind of strength. I had to re-examine my values, and question whether I could still think of myself as a good person if I left (he'd threatened to kill himself so many times I was starting not to take it seriously anymore. He'd also vaguely made mention that if I were to leave, he'd be so upset that he wasn't sure who he might kill). He was my first relationship, and I'd moved out of my parents' house with him, so yes, it was a huge step. But I also believed that his fate was somehow my responsibility, and considering the gravity of his veiled threats, it was a responsibility I had to take seriously.
Until I realized that it WASN"T my responsibility. I'd put up with his crap for long enough, and it was time to put my life first.
That took a whole new strength that I didn't even know was possible.
Surviving abuse (and worse) without killing yourself, anyone else, or going crazy takes insane amounts of personal strength. Anyone who hasn't been there can't begin to understand. And the sheer awareness and willpower to make your situation change...
You are a goddamn hero. Never let anyone tell you you're weak. Ever.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done. And the few weeks, hell months, were pretty difficult too. But there was a realization that I was able to do with my life what I wanted. I didn't have to do laundry his way. Or diet the way he wanted. The panic about him finding out about the money I had to hide, or the fact that I talked to a male co worker was gone. And that was the best feeling in the world.

Great answer MM.

Love is a very powerful drug. It is very hard to move past everything you know, I applaud you for doing that. it had to be one of the hardest things you did. Stay strong & do NOT give into the temptation of going back. (& he will try to get you back) There is a decent man out there looking for you right now. Give him a chance to find you. Good luck!

An attention-grabbing discussion is price comment. I believe that you must write more on this topic, it won't be a taboo subject but typically people are not sufficient to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

By the time you've realized what exactly you've gotten yourself into it seems as though it's too late. It takes an incredible level of strength and clarity of thought to move into this mode of self awareness. For me there was no catalyst but it was a gradual understanding that brought to me the realization that I was going to die by either his hand or my own and that that day was coming soon. He destroyed me, but there some of the fault is mine. I allowed myself to be destroyed and I allowed another person to have that sort of control over me. There is always the choice to change and it took me four years to finally understand that although it would be very difficult to leave, the choice was still mine. I have become a stronger and better person. I value myself and my abilities more than I ever did before and this life that I have built is a gift that I have created for myself and only myself. I was brave for leaving and I have allowed that courage to propel myself to other places that I would not have otherwise gone. I loved him with all my heart and that love was real and in a way, still is. But it was not healthy and I literally chose life over love, which would have ended in my death. I have never looked back and regretted that decision nor do I regret the years I spent with him since now I look forward to all the things that I will experience and I am no longer troubled by the petty and disagreeable things thrown in my path.

It's always heart breaking to see how many people have gone through this. Thanks so much to everyone who chose to share, and I'm in awe of your courage.

It's a tough one for friends too... When they know someone who's in an abusive relationship, but the person is too blind to see that he/she is.

It's not easy trying to help them.

Leaving is the hardest choice in the world for abused women, they are scared, manipulated, and emotionally spent to the point they don't know who they even are any more. been there. could launch a factory to make the tee shirts too. yes, leaving is the hardest thing in the world. but the best decision you will ever make. when you have absolutely no self esteem to call your own, leaving will help you build that up, because you will look back at that defining moment and realize you WERE bigger than him. yes, MM is very good with the wise words on these topics. be patient. the longer it takes the stronger it makes. god bless.

MM, I've read a number of your responses to similar questions, and you do a really good job of being sensitive to the woman asking the questions while also being firm in emphasizing that abuse is never ok. Keep up the good work!

Honestly, I applaud each and every woman that was able to have the strength to leave such a relationship.

Great job to Mystery Man for your amazing response to the question. It is great to have it acknowledged and know that there are many others out there that have gone through the same thing.

I have gone through a relationship like that myself. I didn't have the strength to end it but it did end anyways. I am in awe and amazed by everyone who has the strength to leave. =)

I'm so happy you got the strength to leave. I now understand, too, why someone stays in an abusive relationship. For me it was because I wanted the 'till death do us part' so badly that I believed it was ok if I was confused and scared. I just kept making excuses for it; immaturity - we'll grow and learn together! He's tired all the time - I must not be doing enough to make his life easier! He doesn't listen and walks away when I'm talking to him - I must not be interesting enough, maybe I'm talking to much! I won't go on. I wanted so much to make it work, and all I knew was the adage 'you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself'. So I changed, and changed until like mentioned, I didn't even know myself anymore. 17 years later, after constantly 'working on myself', I got it. I healed from my own issues (abused as a child) that he had delighted in convincing me all our problems were my fault becuse of. And I finally realized what we had was unhealthy, and the marriage was over as soon as I presented it to him. I finally saw a sad, manipulative hugely insecure man that found more importance in controlling his world than healing our marriage. It took me a couple years before I finally got the courage to leave. I took the children with me into a shelter with nothing and 6 months later, after alot of hard work and tears, I was in my own great little apartment with a job I love, and a new stability and emotional freedom for myself and the kids. It was scary. It still is a little, because he's still their father. But now I don't wake up afraid of what the day holds, I wake up ready to grow. Life is a blessing.

I admit, I have not been on this webpage in a long time... however it was another joy to see It is such an important topic and ignored by so many, even professionals. I thank you to help making people more aware of possible issues.Great stuff as usual.

Hiya, I'm really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossip and net stuff and this is actually annoying. A good blog with interesting content, that's what I need. Thanks for making this site, and I'll be visiting again. Do you do newsletters? I Cant find it.

Simply want to say your article is as astonishing. The clearness in your post is just excellent and i can assume you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission let me to grab your feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the enjoyable work.

You completed a few fine points there. I did a search on the issue and found a good number of folks will have the same opinion as you have.

You completed a few fine points there. I did a search on the issue and found a good number of folks will have the same opinion as you have.

I love when you talk about this type of stuff in your blog. Perhaps could you continue this?

talented tally you corner

Retain posting at all like me gonna arrived at read it every day. Thanks for discussing.

It is a great uplifting article.We are pretty much happy about your great work.You put genuinely very helpful details. Keep it up. Retain blogging. Aiming to reading the next post.

I am so happy that I found this site. I realized that I was in an abusive relationship a week ago. It all started 6 months ago when I was in a vulnerable point in my life, I thought this was my good karma finally coming and that I had met "the one". It felt like things were finally going my way because this amazing person came into my life. He wrote me poetry, loved everything I did, thought I was perfect, everything was on my watch and he was open to it all. He said he loved me after a month and I believed I did too. I started to buy him gifts and then he started expecting things. everything was great for the first four months and then he disappeared. I thought something bad happened to him, I freaked out. I heard from him a week later after I had contacted his mom making sure he was ok
because this was so unlike him. He said he lost his phone and didnt have my number and this is when it all started. He would say that I needed to prove to him that I loved him. Telling me that he didn't know why I would screw things up because he was so beautiful. He would tell me about all of these other girls that he could get and I was lucky. It's hard because the first four months I did feel lucky. He would never respond to my texts/calls for days until he was ready. Then in person he would say I was the love of his life. His friends and family would reinforce this by saying all he did was talk about me. He put his hads on me a couple times when he felt I wasn't listening to him then would try and disrespect me by doing other things. I felt horrible because I felt like I just wanted to snap him out of it. A week an a half ago he was missing again...I contacted his uncle since we knew each other and he said he was taken to jail and no one was supposed to know. I felt sick and didn't know what to do but could only think about him getting out. I put up thousands in bail money and we bailed him out last Saturday. He called me when he got out and flipped out into a jealous rage when he found out that I was talking with his uncle while he was in jail. he said for me to go over and that he was done with me for good. I was devastated, his uncle was apologetic to me. I go and he beats me down verbally for hours, takes advantage of me while I am vulnerable, disrespects me and then tells me if we arw going to work thugs out because I messed everything up that I had to prove to him that I loved him. I said ok and I was sorry. My family found out and I had to make a choice so I decided that I can't do it anymore. he calls me from blocked numbers and asks me to prove it last Wednesday...I told him I am done. he threatened me and I hung up. He called again Thursday trying to hurt me and I was strong and hung up. It's Saturday and the only thing getting me through all of this is accepting him for who he is now and not the person I miss and met in the beginning and by listening to others stories and giving me strength. I am happy I realized after 6 months and not years. I was consumed and addicted to him and right now am going through the hardest time
in my life. People don't understand the severity of the manipulation. I still have a weakness for him and I hope I don't go back but I just rake one day at a time. Thank you for sharing your stories it helps people like myself that need the strength to move on.

I am still in my abusive relationship.
Our 4 year anniversary is Tuesday...
I've tried getting out, I've left for 2 weeks and couldn't handle it any longer. I started thinking that maybe he wasn't as bad as I had thought, and that maybe he was right in always saying that I never did enough or cared enough or proved myself enough...so I begged for him back, I busted my butt for almost 2 months begging him to let me see him, buying him things, constantly making dinners, offering to clean his house, driving 45 minutes from where I was staying, to see him, taking him to concerts, apologizing for anything and everything. I let him yell at me and call me names and belittle me while I would bawl and apologize for hurting him and leaving him...
Nothing has gotten better, he tells me every single day that I never proved a thing or did anything for him (when he says he wants something, it means sex...so if I'm not sleeping with him, then apparently I'm not doing anything for him)...he has laid his hands on me a few times, pinning me down or picking my up by my throat and tossing me into a chair or couch......but whenever I'd bring it up the next day, he'd act like it didn't happen, maybe I was going insane?
I've gotten spit on (more times than I care to admit...)
He's thrown ashes from an ashtray on me.
He's ignored me endlessly.
He's torn me down for years.
I'm on depression and anxiety meds because of him,
he's done so many things to me that most people don't know...

and yet our 4 year anniversary is Tuesday. I go to bed every night praying that I will wake up with the strength to leave, and stay gone...I've lost myself in his abusive ways. I no longer have self worth or pride and I'm not sure how I could get it back...I want to leave, I NEED to leave before it kills me...but I'm not sure how.

I am 22 years old and im in an abusive relationship. I havent even known him a year yet and the abuse has started. I don't know why i allow it when i have been so strong in the past. I have always given my friends advice and now look at me. He verbally abuses me and physically abuses me and then after about 20 minutes he wants to be nice. Im so tired. It started with shoving and yanking. Now today my right eye is nearly swollen shut and i missed work. Last week he swoll my lip and left his handprint on my face. I was dragged out the bath tub because he saw a number in my phone. I have always2 kids to live for and i get into with him all the time about it telling him to leave but he won't. Instead he takes my phone or keeps my keys. I know my worth and i know i can do so much better. I just ask God for strength to help me out of this.

I have been in an abusive relationship for a year. When we met, I was healthy and happy. I was excited because I was excelling in school and getting ready to apply to PhD programs. The first six months of our relationship were wonderful. He was supportive, within a month, he told me he loved me, showered me with gifts, and we rarely spent any time apart. Then about four months into the relationship, I was pregnant. He was very excited and even bought me an engagement ring. During the PhD app process, I was wait-listed at Harvard, but then was later accepted. He was not accepted to any schools except one in the mid-West. I was also accepted to that program as well. When we visited Harvard, he was sulking the whole time and was quite agitated. It was a very stressful trip because I was dealing with my first trimester, him, and trying to decide where to go. Needless to say, I miscarried a week later. His behavior became increasingly worse, everything was my fault, I was the crazy one, and I needed help. The day I found I miscarried, he disappeared for two days. It got progressively worse, if that is possible, when we moved to the mid-West. I was a victim of a hate crime and experiencing racism in my department. I called the police after I was attacked, and he hid and then when they left he said that dating a woman of color was too much. I developed severe depression and became clingy, thinking I needed him. It was strange because I have so much education and I thought I was so strong. Then six weeks ago, he pushed me against the wall and kicked me. I called the cops on him and then he dumped me. He told the cops that I was crazy. I grew even more depressed, and attempted to commit suicide. I was hospitalized for a week. He visited me in the hospital and when I was released, he moved back in with me. Then, this Friday he just disappeared and sent me an email stating that we needed to go our separate ways and that is afraid of me because I called the cops he learned the hard way that the cops always side with the woman. Then he sends me another email stating he wants to hang-out sometime, but not anytime soon, but in the future. I started going to a woman's support group and I am glad I found this page. Because every time I feel weak, I read it and makes me feel not so alone. I know he will come back because he is abuser. I deserve better than this and I am fighting the depression and trying to find the courage to cut all ties with him forever.I want to feel like myself again and this just is not worth it anymore.

I have great admiration for all of you on this page who have endured such things and are willing to share your stories. I first got involved with my abusive on-again/off-again boyfriend eight years ago over the internet and the connection has permanently changed me. We lived together for four months, during which he was controlling, possessive and sexually abusive. He also started drinking and often behaved very erraticaly, like someone on drugs. After a traumatic miscarriage, I realized the depth of how bad the situation might become. I got him to leave under the ploy that I had lost my job and couldn't keep up the rent (yes, I was paying for everything) and asked that he return to his parents' house while I got my situation back in order. Within the next year, we broke up over the phone. We both rebounded into other unfulfilling relationships and I was plagued by uncertainty, guilt and sadness over what might have been. Five years later, we mutually revisited the relationship, though when I saw him again and his living situation, it only confirmed to me that he hadn't changed at all and maybe even became worse, however, that nagging feeling was still in me and I couldn't let go of this person, fantasy image or not. Three years forward to the present, I can't even count how many times we've broken up, how many strange things he's done and how many horrible things he's said to me - and we don't even live together. The anxiety of being unable to control this situation by myself has a hugely negative effect on my well-being and I keep sabotaging myself and isolating myself more and more. He has come to make me feel very responsible for anything that happens to him and thats part of the incredible guilt that makes it hard for me to leave or stay away once I've left. I lost my job three years ago, but recently have discovered a mental health program run by the county in which I live which caters to the no and low-income population. I come from an abusive background in which everyone in the family lived in denial and made a lot of allowances for my dad's behavior in order to keep our family together, so I don't know if I'm seeing my dad in my bf or not, but I know I have a lot of potential that would be more than a shame to throw away to live a miserable, unstable and uncertain life. I'm reading as much information about abusive/manipulative relationships as I can, reaching out and hoping therapy will help me end this back and forth, wishy washy confusion thats stopping me from living the kind of life that I want and could easily have if I could quit sabotaging myself.

Ive to convey my respect for your kindness for all those that require guidance on this 1 field. Your special commitment to passing the answer up and down has been extremely functional and has continually empowered a lot of people just like me to achieve their dreams.

I have been in a abusive relationship for 26 years. This man was the first person I ever dated and after a year of dating we married. Things were good for awhile and then in our 3rd year of marriage our daughter was born and things went out of control. He would always tell me that I would put everybody in front of him and that he was never first in my life. I did everything for him. The abusive started out verbal then went to physical. I have left him 3 times now and I even divorced him a year ago. Somehow he always talks me into coming back and stating that he has changed and I believe him everytime. This last time the physical abuse has been worse than ever. He locked me in the bathroom and would not let me out, he kicked me and just continued to beat on me by they time I got out I was bruised all over and had a swollen lip. He also took my handgun and shot a hole in the bed. I am working on getting a apartment on my own and getting out of the situation because I'm really afraid he is going to kill me someday although he tells me he is going to kill me and himself if I leave. I know I just have to be strong and stay away this time.

I never thought that I would find this site. I have recently been in an emotionally abusive relationship. I met this guy online and we had such a connection that we couldn't even stop talking. He said everything I wanted to hear but the following week, he started disappearing and I told him I want out, he convinced me to stay. He would not take my calls but he'd be the one calling. This made me very angry. When I told him I don't like what he does he would disappear for days, giving me the silent treatment. I would always run back to him apologizing for his behaviour. He would set up meetings then disappear and not take calls. Claiming he was anxious and that I'd think he's too big and not like him. This happened three times, he'd tell me he loves me and that I'm lucky to have him, that he's sought after because he is a nice guy. He told me to gain weight and he complained about my freckles. His silent treatment became a cycle and I don't know how many times we broke up. I always ran back to him, I started feeling depressed and tired all the time, I thought it was my fault because he'd tell me I'm insecure. He made me feel insecure, oh and we still have not met to this day but live 40km away from each other. I can't believe I was manipulated by a met I only saw on Skype. I skipped a lot of details but in the end he dumped me, I accepted and the next day he called to check if I'm ok. He called five days later to say he misses me, I texed him the next day saying I miss him too. We started talking and he still told me I'm insecure. I left him for good three days later, I'm tired of the drama. I want peace...

I would like to thank every woman who has posted there story. It has helped me to stay strong and not turn back from ending this abusive relationship. This man I have been with for 1year 6 mths. has made me feel like I'm the crazy one for wanting to leave a good man. He is far from it. He thinks woman are here to serve his needs. He has worked for 2mths of our relationship, I pay for every thing. I felt sorry for him his family was so dysfunctional. He lived in my apt building. He moved in with me and the hell started. He would yell at me brake my things, and tell me its my fault for making him mad. I called the police one time. He left before they arrived. he returned and threatened to kill me if I did this again.He would check every number that I called, or received on my cell. It started with verbal abuse, then one day he felt I CHEATED ON HIM. Not true. He hit me and said he was going to mess up my face with a hot curler. I kept unplugging it, so he pulled a knife and said he would cut my rings off my finger.Thank God he didn't. I couldn't believe a man I love and did so much for would do this to me. I left for a while and returned. I felt more sorry for him than myself. Well I have finally had enough and realize, I don't deserve this treatment and I choose to be drama free. I'm giving up my apt and every thing in it, and running for my life. I will not look back. it hurts to leave but it hurts more to stay. Thank u all. Stay strong.

Well ave been with my bf for 10year and I just had his bby and he's calls me every name under the sum makes me feel worthless now its time to go as he lifted his hand to me in front of our son but u no its easier said than done for real its so hard when uve not got support

PLEASE NEED YOUR POINT OF VIEW - I need to understand where i went wrong in my relationship and why i got abused physically and emotionally so - so - so - many times and after 7 years he left me because he became financially independant and he didnt need me anymore- and i was supporting us so he can take off with his own business and we can be financially independant. After all the hard work and the abuse i was willing to make it work for us- for our future!

It started like any other relationship with falling in love at University. We are from 2 different cultures - he is Scandinavian and I am Mediterranean (yes – I know that cultural differences can have some pressures in relationships but I also grew up in Canada so I have a pretty good understanding of cultural differences plus I have a background in cultural awareness and have travelled extensively) .

4 or 5 months into the relationship he came to see me and told me that it would be a good idea for me to start to think before speaking (i am not patting myself on the back by any means but i have a Masters degree in engineering and thought of myself as a very clever girl…so I thought….look at me now  )

I thought to myself that maybe i am saying embarrassing stuff out loud and that perhaps may embarrass people around him. So i told him that i would really try to do that – He recommended that I wear a ribbon so every time I look at it I remember and trigger to think twice before I say something. However, we kept arguing about it and my brain would just not get what it meant to think before speaking,,,! I mean I know what it means but am confused – I just didn’t get what he didn’t like when I was talking!

And then came the “you promised you wouldn’t raise your voice during an argument, not to interrupt (a huge no no) , you promised not to roll your eyes and not be sarcastic. I am not saying that doing these things is right but I feel like he would argue in such a clever way and I didn’t know how else to say what you are saying is an exaggeration! So I would react as such! He would expect me to tone down the argument and to argue fair but even if I did argue fair he would never agree with me and tell me that if I don’t have a fact to back up my argument I have to go with the logical one – which somehow made sense but my brain could not agree to it and I would keep insisting that I didn’t agree and start again rasing my voice to make him hear me and the violence began again.

I am a very spontaneous person and when people exaggerate I can’t take it! Life is too short to pick on everything… I don’t like being controlled and that is the reason I lash out if someone starts to put me in a corner and not allow me to have an opinion. Even when I did have an opnion where I would say something along the lines of “I don’t feel like doing that even though in your opinion it is logical” he would get crazy annoyed and mad and then I would start rolling my eyes and he would get more aggravated and remind me how I promised not to do that and we would get into a heated fight and he winds up hitting me 7 times on 10.
So we fought and fought and he kept reminding how I had promised him that I would get better – how I had anger issues and how I am disrespectful and I don’t respect him but I swear I did everything to please him! I paid for the house- bills everything. I know he tried to work for a few months to help out but he never contributed to the house unless it was to pay half for the food. And I know when I was studying he did help for a bit – He is not an entirely bad person and I know he struggles with his anger - I know he is hurting and has his own issues but I don’t deserve being hit! I am a very strong personality but also very kind I thought….

I don’t know who I am anymore …I still miss him and can’t believe he would do this to me… maybe I should pay for what I say as he said and loose the love of my life…. maybe i abused him emotionally by rasing my voice and interrupting him when he spoke and i should not have promised to not do all these things -and I am very sad and your POV can help perhaps?