This is something I've been wondering about for literally years.
You're right, it's a double standard, and it's a dangerous one. If somebody, of either gender, keeps after someone else even if they're categorically not interested, it's not cute and romantic nor pathetic and slutty: it's creepy. Stalking behavior is stalking behavior, period, and, if somebody won't leave you alone when you tell them no, it's time to get the law involved.
As to why the double standard exists in the first place...all I can offer are guesses. My personal opinion is that most people get their cues about romance not from asking questions of actual people but from pop culture. And what do you see in pop culture? Charlie Sheen being constantly followed by a hot girl who is seemingly obsessed with him, and this is supposed to be hilarious. Jughead avoiding the attentions of Big Ethel. Romantic "comedies" about a guy who won't leave a woman alone no matter what.
At the same time, though, pop culture just reflects what we want to see. It follows the money. So the problem is as much us, clinging to outdated ideas of the woman always being demure and the man always being aggressive.
You know, because that worked out SO well.
There is nothing wrong with going after what you want in some cases. It can definitely be along the lines of creeper or stalker sometimes but there are people out there who say they aren't interested etc but actually are. They are just afraid of committing or they sometimes have a crazy ex who will do crazy things (happened to me once, hilarity ensued).
As for the double standard, I have almost always experienced the opposite view. When I was trying to get my current fiance interested I talked to her a lot, expressed my interest etc but everyone in her life told her I was some creepy weirdo or just wanted to get laid. Flash ahead four months and she all of a sudden decides she made a mistake by not dating me and tries to pursue me. Not to toot my own horn but at this time I was casually seeing a few different ladies so my fiance pushed me to only see her. My friends and family thought it was so romantic, and so did I just for clarification.
Now I am with my fiance for almost 6 years and getting married in June. There are always exceptions to rules, just don't go overboard. Simple rule for most social encounters.
P.S. Almost every guy I know wants a girl to pursue them. Maybe this expressing of 'pathetic' or 'slut' is coming from other females? Or men who are so concerned with their masculinity that they won't admit they like it. I don't know. In any of those situations they are the pathetic ones, pursue who you want to pursue just don't sit in a tree and watch them....that's just weird.
Huh. Interesting that you claim that every guy wants to be pursued... I guess maybe I've been indoctrinated to believe that if a guy wants me, he'll do the work and go after me. Only recently did I think that maybe it WOULDN'T be desperate or annoying for me to, for example, text guys first. This is due to the fact that I complained to the last guy I was involved with that he didn't text me often enough, and he came back with "well you never text me, you could if you wanted to and I'd always answer." I told him that I have just never been one to initiate things with guys...but maybe I should reconsider. I don't know. With all the media and pop culture and self-help info out there, I don't even know what to believe anymore when it comes to guys and relationships.
That's why I've decided to just start doing whatever I want, whenever I want to, and see what happens. Because overthinking things has gotten me nowhere thus far.
Yay! THanks for answering my question RP! It seems to me that men are often successful when they keep working at pursuing a woman. Maybe its because girls like the flattery, maybe we are endeared by the fact that they are working so hard to impress us. With guys however, it seems that they quickly loose respect for a girl if she seems to interested. They'll sleep with her because they can, but quickly move on since they weren't that interested to begin with. Ugh, double standards!
This is why it's so important to be able to tell the difference between fiction and reality. Talk to your kids, make sure that they understand that what they see on the screen doesn't apply to real life!
So many times my chick friends will be like "He didn't text me all day" and are super upset. I remind them that they worked all day and cannot access their phone, and guys are less prone to text for no dumb reason when you can't text back. So I prompt them to text their fellas, and the dude in question usually answers instantly, with my chicks delighting in a sweet text of how he missed her all day.
Lesson here: Text first, and you will be rewarded :)
Here's my take:
1. Traditionally, men do the pursuing.
2. In many cases (in my experience, anyway) when men don't do the pursuing, it's because they genuinely aren't interested. And when a guy is not interested, he doesn't change his mind.
3. Girls already tend toward the clingy/needy side of life, so when a girl acts like that with a guy she's already dating, it's annoying for the guy but when she acts like that with a guy she's not dating, it's 5x worse.
4. Cultural education. Women are taught to be polite and accommodating, and be concerned about everyone's feelings. When a woman is genuinely not interested in a guy, she may actually date him anyway because she feels mean not doing it. Those relationships don't necessarily work out, they just seem to on the surface at first.
5.The movies. In the media, it works for guys, but not for girls. And since art both reflects and influences life...well, there you go.
Well, culturally, men pursue women they are interested in. If a guy is not making a move, he's not that interested. So when women make a move, there is an increased chance that she's pursuing someone who isn't that into her. And that makes a person look foolish. Still, there is a difference in expressing interest and pursuing. Pursuit connotes something drawn out over time.
Culturally, it is known that from time to time, women play hard to get and men don't. So, if a man is pursuing a woman, that's not weird. She may be playing hard to get, or evaluating his interest. If a woman has to pursue a creature who is typically up front about his interest, then something seems wrong. Her expressing interest should have been enough if he felt the same.