First, a plea. If you are submitting as anonymous and use more than one question to state your problem (we prefer you don't) and it's background, could you please put an identifier in the text - three letters repeated (qqq for example, but please, don't all use qqq!) is fine - so it is easier to put the pieces together. Took me about half an hour to piece the full story of this question together from among the questions submitted.
First love is painful. It almost inevitably leads to first betrayal, first break-up, first bout of writing really bad poetry and first "just wishing you could die already." You found that out the hard way, and you and he ticked pretty much every box in the survey "How not to make a relationship work."
In your case it was worse than usual because you were steady all through high school. At your age, four years is nigh on a quarter of your life - that is a long time to spend with someone then suddenly lose them.
Yes, I sometimes think about my first love still (Hi Diane, how are Pete and the kids?). Fondly, with a headshake over how dumb, clumsy and outright selfish I was.
Let me let you in on a secret. Two, in fact. Part of the "Adult Conspiracy" that never gets mentioned. First love is never the best one. Yeah, it's the one you will look back on with a mixture of amusement, fondness and regret, - we all do - but the best is yet to come. And teenage males are completely self centered as*holes.
You will move on. Doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you will.
This question could have come from me, it sounds so similar! Thanks MM.
"First love is never the best one."
Really? If this is true, and I'm choosing to believe it is because it makes me feel better, then you really made my day, MM.
It's so true. I was literally thinking of this today: the relationship I have currently is probably the best one I've ever had. Was it all-consuming, like my first love? No. It's better, it's healthier, and the good times are far better than the best times I had with the first love. Trust me. It'll get better. You'll still think of him (I do) but eventually you'll realize that things happened the way they did for a reason, and there are far better men to fall in love with out there. I promise.
I think you never forget your first love. You just have to come to terms with it, and accept that it's in the past (which I haven't done completely yet). It's meant to have a special place in your heart, and you can't fight that -- but when you're ready to move on, you won't have to ask about it. You'll know.
No, he won't.
No, he won't always love you. He will always remember you, but not necessarily fondly. I remember my first love quite vividly, but I also remember how broken and depressed and used I felt when we broke up and those negative feelings will always be there when I think of her. Thankfully, I don't really think about her anymore unless I happen to stumble across some reminder.
On a related note, I kinda get the impression that you want him to still love you. Don't. It doesn't do you or him any good. Just move on already. Life is too short to waste it on wishful thinking.
I'm not the OP but I am really appreciating what you wrote here.