Given the age of his children, no, you definitely shouldn't be taking a back seat. I'm going to assume that you all never set any boundaries early on and he's continued to do what he thought was the easiest and least conflicting way of handling the both of you at once. Both you being you and his ex. He felt that if he could keep her happy by being semi-present then he'd not have any issues seeing his kids and that as long as he was doing what you needed him to do, you'd be fine.
Except that doesn't last long. At some point, somebody (namely you) are going to feel neglected and feel like you're competing because women aren't as competitive as men when it comes to stupid stuff, but when it comes to affections and attention...you all are extremely competitive. And it's not only that you want to win, you also want that other chick to lose. Men tend to be more concerned with winning.
Anyway, unless you speak up and let him know how his actions are affecting you, then yes, you will. Now, I do have to ask...what do you mean by constantly doing things? Hell, you might be inflating what's actually happening. He does something once a month with them and it annoys you so you say that it happens constantly. I can't fault him. Like it or not, that woman is his family because they have kids together. And taking a back seat to his kids...well, that's just part of the gig. Maybe not all of the time, but that's his flesh and blood.
I know its hard to handle not being a number one priority because of the children. I've found most women don't like that, but they'll suck that up because that means he'd be a good father and ultimately that's what women want for their kids. But being number 3 behind his ex is a legit gripe. You've got to express that to him. Just let him know you feel in a non-confrontational way. Don't accuse him, let him only know how you feel.
It's harder than it sounds.
If he's a good guy he probably just doesn't realize the toll its taking on you. It's not personal or intentional. He's just trying to make everybody happy with the least amount of drama. But he needs to understand what impact it's having on you. Then...hopefully you'll get some resolution and understanding.
Or you can just ride that pony out another year because after the kids are 18, the amount of "together" time should cease, damn near altogether.
That woman is NOT his family…, his children are.
My husband’s ex was always in our lives, more that a parent should be. He said he didn’t want to get in the middle of it all. By doing nothing he was giving her free rein over our lives. He said nothing when she dropped by at family holiday parties & picnics, uninvited & stayed as if she WAS still in the family. Yes, I set boundaries, but my husband did not seem to care. He is now my ex-husband & wishes he could change what he did or did NOT do. His loss now.
As a side note, his children, now adults, say that their mother was trying to break us up. Oh well, I guess he didn't notices she was an ex for a reason.
I respect Panama, but he never had to take a back seat to an ex-wife. I have admiration for a man who is there for his kids, but not one who lets the ex tag along. I stopped going to family functions because of her, which was the beginning to the end of our marriage.
Children are one thing, and these are close to adulthood so his involvement should be minimal. Yes, the 18 year old is an adult, but he/she is not going to cut off dear old dad just because he has a new woman in his life. You'll have to accept he's going to be a father to his kids, because regardless of the age, you never stop being a parent. Men dating single mothers dealt with this issue, you can too.
Interactions with his ex should be bare minimal, only rational legitimate issues would center around colleges for the two kids, and any medical issues that crop up. He's not going to be able to cut her out completely, but certainly doesn't need to spend any more time then necessary.
Take silkysly's comment to heart. Have a talk with him, tell him you feel neglected, and you are setting boundaries, and you deserve to be his priority. If he's unwilling or unable to change, you'll have to consider giving him the boot.
Wow, thank you all so much for answering my question! All were really good answers. I had to rewrite the question several times due to character limitations.
The kids are not the problem and never will be. I do understand they will always be a priority. The problem is with the ex wife. We have been together 10 months, he had been divorced for over 10 years. He talks to his ex wife probably about once a day. They celebrate the kids birthdays together, visit colleges together, and deal with any issues regarding the kids together (this includes doing stuff around his ex's house because his kids live there). What bothers me the most is they will have "family" dinners together on sunday nights when everyone is around. He was doing this long before we got together so I feel like I cant really say anything about it. I have talked to him about how I feel and all he tells me is that he doesnt know what to do and it will be better next year when the youngest goes college.
I think Panama is right, he is just trying to do whats right with the least amount of drama possible. But is doesnt make me feel any better when he asks me to come over after he gets home from dinner with his ex and daughter.
@silkysly interesting you say she's not his family and panama said she is. My BF still considers his ex's family his family.
That is a problem. It's good and all that he's maintaining a cordial relationship with his ex's family, heck I do as well. Nonetheless, he's made the decision to be with you. You have the right to expect to be a bigger priority, which basically means he should spend more of his time with you. With his kids entering college, even they should not take that much of his time.
What your man needs to do is to politely, no need to be rude or unfriendly or anything, decline the invitations from his ex's family. It's called setting boundaries. He should explain he's got a new woman in his life, and he's been kinda neglecting her a little and needs to devote more time to her. If they're decent enough that he's maintained good relations, they will understand and support him.
That don't mean he couldn't or shouldn't have the occasional get together with them once in a, great, while. My wife does with her ex's family - in her country it would be considered an insult and an act of high disrespect if she didn't and her own mother wouldn't tolerate that. At the same time, they know she is obligated to support her new husband, i.e., mean, and would chastise her if she failed there. Works both ways.
The problem is it is such a fine line when kids are involved and I don't know how to walk it. He uses the kid excuse and I cant say anything. The divorce agreement was every other weekend but somehow changed to he has dinner with them every sunday, sometimes the ex is there sometimes she isnt. I have talked to him about it and I think a lot of it is he just didnt know any better. He was just trying to do whats best for the kids. I just hate it because I feel like I am constantly harping on him about his relationship with his ex.
I know what you're saying, and I think its cool you're understanding about his kids. It's difficult to know what to do.
If I were in your situation, I would sit down with my wife, first let her know I totally get the kids are important to her, showing I fully empathize with her on that level. I would then acknowledge that I realize the ex will always be part of his life, a person doesn't simply forget the mother/father of their children. Again, showing I understand her situation. I'd even admire her character for maintaining a solid positive relationship with her ex's family, a little flattery, you know. Then the but. I would tell her, the weekly dinner with the ex's family, I am feeling neglected. I got with her so I could actually be with her. Every Sunday is excessive, he can't even plan a romantic weekend for you At most, once a month is more than enough. Talk to him in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, calm tone. But be firm, if he pushes, push back, remind him being in a relationship with a woman entails that he spends some of his time with that woman. Don't give any ultimatums, but tell him you are unhappy with the status quo, and you want more time with him, especially on weekends. It might make him a little upset, or even a lot, but staying silent won't get anything to change.
I hate to be a killjoy, but if he doesn't shift his priorities to you soon, he's probably not going to at anytime. You'll have to decide if it's still worth it (it's not) to continue in this relationship.
Go to Sunday dinner with him & every time he goes to play Mr Fix It. Tell him you now understand where he is coming from & you are thinking about having a dinner once a week with your ex & his family too. F it, it..., play his game & see how well he enjoys it.
Sunday dinners? Excuse my french but, Fuck.That. I have to agree with silkysly. That woman is not his family. The kids are. It sounds like she doesn't have a man because if she did I doubt he would be ok with another man coming around the house playing Bob Vila nshit. I mean if she couldn't pay her rent/mortgage would he be responsible to pay it because his kids live there? You have to draw the line somewhere. Just because he was doing it before he got with you doesn't make it ok now. If he was going to the strip club every weekend and getting private lap dances long before you got together would you still feel like you couldn't say anything to him about it? Hell no lol. This should be no different.
Best thing to do is talk to him about it and not "put it off till next year". Waiting for the kids to go away won't change the underlying issue and his ex's happiness should be of no concern to him. The kids and yours should be. Don't risk your happiness for the sake of "less drama". If you start to hide your feelings about situations that arise in your relationship you'll find yourself doing it on other occasions as well and that's not healthy.
Don't know why my comment showed up more than once sorry : /
The commenting system on Guyspeak does need some work lol.
I have a very passive gutless boyfriend of the past 24 years. YES, boyfriend of 24 years. We have lived together for the past 20 years....I have chosen to never marry again since I was married long ago and have two grown adult kids....Anyways...His ex girlfriend of 8 years and he had a daughter who is now 26 years old with a 1 year old child. He has not seen his ex for over 20 years. No phone calls no nothing. She cheated on him and caused him so much grief when his child was young. She has been re married many years with another adult daughter. She moved out of the state and had her new husband become my boyfriends daughters new daddy. Its a long story but my BF has had no contact with his child either. I told you he was gutless...Anyways...
She is now all involved in my boyfriends family. She does NOT take her husband of nearly 24 years to these gatherings. She goes to all the functions and parties. At the last party and the first time she has seen her ex, my BF in over 20 years she runs up and hugs him in a big bear hug, kisses his face and then flirts all evening with him. She also ran up and hugged me. My boyfriend just stood there and said nothing to her. She is so inappropriate. I think its very disrepectful. I told my BF in no uncertain terms that he needed to deal with this. So the next family gathering when she was there and AGAIN ran up to hug on him (right in front of me) he actually pushed her back and told her to knock it off. She was angry but kept flirting with him. My BF and I ended up leaving pretty quickly....But this should not be happening at his family functions. He should be free to go there without her hanging on him. He HATES confrontations just hates it and it is SO hard for him to tell her or anyone no....NOT hard for me..haha. He now does not want to go to any of his family functions if she will be there....That means he won't EVER go which is not fair since that is his family.... Anyways... I am this close to getting up in her face and telling her to back the hell off but I don't want to come across as some insecure jealous 54 year old woman but this is just obnoxious. His family says she suffers from Schizophrenia. Not sure if that is true since I AM a psychiatric RN...LOL...This daughter is the cousins of my BFs family and she just recently got back in their lives and she is my BFs adult daughter who now has renewed the relationship with my BF. This daughter also says if her mom can't go to the family functions, SHE won't go either. Yep, 26 year old brat....My BF is torn due to just getting to see his adult daughter again after so many years. I only knew her when she was 2 years old when I met my BF then did not have contact with her either until recently about 9 months ago when this all started happening.... I think he needs to talk to his adult daughter and explain how he feels...BUT he won't..Passive as hell...does not want any problems with his daughter. Any suggestions??
P.S. Please don't ask why I have stayed with this gutless passive man for all these years....Its works is all I can say.....haha