Indeed I did -- twice (here and here). Clearly I have an interest in the subject, so I'm glad you ask.
I'll start with some bad news: there are no "surefire" turn-ons in the sack. Every man is different. Some like to lead, some like to follow. Some like a tiger, some like a lamb. You get the idea. The best thing you can do is learn what your particular guy likes and get down on it.
On the other hand -- and this is the good news -- there are a handful of things that I think most guys like, so I'll take a poke at your question. But I assume no responsibility for the failure of any of these in the sack, so use at your own risk.
1) Initiate
You've heard this before. We like it when you initiate sex. We like it A. LOT. Why? Because it lets us know you still want us. Yes, even guys can be insecure. You don't have to initiate often, just every now and then. And if you really want to blow our minds, do it not by asking us, but by just going for it. Reach over and touch us, and we'll be your huckleberry.
2) Strip
We like watching you get nekkid. Just like in a strip poker game, every piece of clothing you remove drives us that much wilder. So please, take your time and don't rush through some of the best foreplay there is: seeing your beautiful body revealed to us one bit at a time. I know some of you are shy, but we're not asking you to dance around a pole to "Funky Cold Medina." We just want to watch. In fact, we'll even strip for you first.
3) Vocalize
In "11 Things That Will Turn A Guy Off In The Sack," I warned against shrieking like a banshee in the sack, but that doesn't mean we want you to be silent. If it feels good, we want to know; tell us, or moan, or grunt, or bark like a dog, or smack our ass, or do whatever you must to indicate that we are on to something good and you'd like it to continue.
4) Whisper
Want to drive a guy nuts? Whisper something naughty in his ear. Tell him in no uncertain terms what you're going to do to him, or what you want him to do to you. Shivers. Guaranteed.
5) Drive
Something you decide you want in the heat of battle? Go for it. Words are optional. Just push us or pull us or move us or mount us and come get what you want, because that is HOT. At the risk of being imprudent, and solely for the purpose of example, I'll mention a young lady I knew many years ago who once pointed to a certain part of her anatomy and directed me, in so many words, to attend to it posthaste and with vigor. And I do what I'm told.
There are more but I need a cold drink. Hope these help.
I'll start with some bad news: there are no "surefire" turn-ons in the sack. Every man is different. Some like to lead, some like to follow. Some like a tiger, some like a lamb. You get the idea. The best thing you can do is learn what your particular guy likes and get down on it.
On the other hand -- and this is the good news -- there are a handful of things that I think most guys like, so I'll take a poke at your question. But I assume no responsibility for the failure of any of these in the sack, so use at your own risk.
1) Initiate
You've heard this before. We like it when you initiate sex. We like it A. LOT. Why? Because it lets us know you still want us. Yes, even guys can be insecure. You don't have to initiate often, just every now and then. And if you really want to blow our minds, do it not by asking us, but by just going for it. Reach over and touch us, and we'll be your huckleberry.
2) Strip
We like watching you get nekkid. Just like in a strip poker game, every piece of clothing you remove drives us that much wilder. So please, take your time and don't rush through some of the best foreplay there is: seeing your beautiful body revealed to us one bit at a time. I know some of you are shy, but we're not asking you to dance around a pole to "Funky Cold Medina." We just want to watch. In fact, we'll even strip for you first.
3) Vocalize
In "11 Things That Will Turn A Guy Off In The Sack," I warned against shrieking like a banshee in the sack, but that doesn't mean we want you to be silent. If it feels good, we want to know; tell us, or moan, or grunt, or bark like a dog, or smack our ass, or do whatever you must to indicate that we are on to something good and you'd like it to continue.
4) Whisper
Want to drive a guy nuts? Whisper something naughty in his ear. Tell him in no uncertain terms what you're going to do to him, or what you want him to do to you. Shivers. Guaranteed.
5) Drive
Something you decide you want in the heat of battle? Go for it. Words are optional. Just push us or pull us or move us or mount us and come get what you want, because that is HOT. At the risk of being imprudent, and solely for the purpose of example, I'll mention a young lady I knew many years ago who once pointed to a certain part of her anatomy and directed me, in so many words, to attend to it posthaste and with vigor. And I do what I'm told.
There are more but I need a cold drink. Hope these help.
mmmmmmmmm, excellent advice. I'm going to put these to good use....
Excellent. What time should I expect you?
One time during hotel vacation sex the front desk called and asked if we had a dog in our room!
Hopefully it wasn't the smell that tipped them off.
I had sex last night - it lasted four minutes.
You had an egg timer?
As a guy - you want us turned on and happy?
Show up naked, bring food.
I'm simple.
Naked first, food second. Unless I'm really hungry or the food is lasagna ... then I'd eat the food first then go for the naked.
I think my husband has this fantasy that I can orgasm over and over again. The reality is - when I do - I'm done! I also can't squirt nor do I enjoy anal. I think he might be watching porn when I'm not around but I can't be sure.
**whispering** I suddenly have a craving for huckleberry pie.
"... we'll be your huckleberry."? At what time in history was this phrase actually used?
Honestly, this whole column felt like it was written by my dad; you need to youth-ify your language, McNeal. Where were the acronyms? I saw at least four missed opportunities to use the word "holla!" This was a farce.
Holla!? Really? What are you, 12? Come back when you can appreciate big people talk.
"We'll be your huckleberry" is a nod to the classic film, Tombstone, but I wouldn't really expect you to know that because it's rated R and you aren't old enough to see it without a parent.
Meow, CM, I was only kidding. And I'm sorry, but if you're calling me out for not knowing a 15-year old Val Kilmer movie, then that's a first degree burn at best.
Honestly, no offense meant. But you certainly know your way around cattiness. Maybe your next column could list your top 5 eighth grade comebacks? TTYL! ♥
Holla!
All in good fun, kittycat. But Tombstone is the shizz, 15yo or not.
Aw, you changed your comment. Now mine looks more inappropriate than it should be.
I've made boys cry with the first one sadly. Be careful with that. Apparently it can be emasculating when the chick wants sex more than the guy.
Outrageous! I'd kick myself in the face to have a woman like that, at least once.
Damn that made me scream with laughter.
CM you are obviously the exception but I have had the joyful experience of being around a few menfolk who can't handle assertive women. Great way to get "voted off the island," in my opinion. Solid advice here, though.
6. Put on an otter suit and bring a rubber glove full of jelly. Your guy will know what to do with it.
"Youth-ify?" Seriously, that is some lame shit right there.
And "holla?" Exactly what time in history was this phrase used by someone who wasn't either a pre-teen or a dorky white dude pretending to be street?
Ugh, calm down, I was attempting to humorously highlight CM's old fashioned verbiage by contrasting it against out-of-fashion "hip" language. Nobody actually speaks like that. No one uses "holla" anymore, not even 12 year olds and everyone knows that it was dumb when it was in use. I realize that my lame joke was unsuccessful, so you can drop it. I am properly chastised.
You don't need to defend CM, he's a big boy with a sense of humor.
I agree with Lefty & "me." I'm filling my rubber glove with jelly as we speak. Messy.
In all seriousness, I don't think I've ever had to do much more than a reach-around to turn my guy on. Heck, good eye contact can usually produce the desired results. Men are simple creatures.
I read "attend to it posthaste and with vigor" as "attend to it with toothpaste". Heh.
We tried that, too. Didn't do much for her.
UNF. This question was so good, I BOW to you!
Good suggestions! I'm totally doing some whispering this weekend.
If I know my man is in an important business meeting I'll text him something really naughty.
DO NOT ever go drastic to surprise your husband, it will backfire.
My ex-husband had some just for men beard color left and I thought I would get real sexy for him, so I colored my hair with it. I met him at the front door when he came home from work dressed in a black lacy see through with my hair colored an emo kid jet black, standing in an - I,m so sexy pose. He gets to the front door sees me, stops, freezes and takes a step back all in one motion practically and then kind of chuckles a scared laugh and says "Damn honey, you look like a witch." I could not believe he said that!!! and those words have stuck with me for years!! Needless to say, the thrill was killed and I nearly got the broom out and killed him.
And I never ever used that crap on my hair again either.
Haha. That just cracked me up. Awww.
this was very funny......in an at your expense sort of twisted way. While I was reading your post laughed so hard because I could picture it. Of course I am sure it was not funny at the time. To me these are the kind of moments when the emotions settle down that become funnier and funnier over the yers. Priceless....
Your husband goes to work dressed in a black lacy see through? What kind of business is he in?
F-R-R-A-A-N-K!!! (Feel like Mommy Dearest when I type your name like that...hehehe)
But yeah, if I could have got him to wear that and if it was not ILLEGAL, I would have pimped him and could have been rich (I like to think) but he worked at Oster and we divorced instead.
But it is a true story and my hair turned many shades of purple before it grew out.
You couldn't have posted this last week? Dammmnnnnnnn....
Fabulous list Cary.
Wow, um if I were you I would seek counseling, couples counseling.
Don't say you can't make time for it - if you love him and wish to keep him you **know** there are plenty of folks on post to help you out.
I am a military spouse (the half that gets left at home) I would one of two things has happened:
1] He maybe cheating on you while you are gone. Why? Long stints of separation and the temptation that you'd never know, besides all those guys left their wives so he'd have plenty of lonesome ladies to pick from IF he's that type. The other thing I see as a tip offs would be the possessive behavior, degrading screaming.. yeah lots of my girl-friends have seen those actions from their now EX-husbands who were cheating. He devalues you (possibly) because he feels he "can get / have better."
2] But then there's another nasty evil possibility... many news outlets got hold of a few stories (ugly as hell but true) about male service personnel mistreating/assaulting or giving female personnel the impression they were posted there to be unit whore. I cannot speak to how it was or is with your unit however those stories have been in circulation as shameful as they are. No this behavior is not accepted by any branch of our services but all it might have taken is him hearing ONE of those stories on the news an then ONE rumor/badly placed joke from some one that was with you over there and BOOM he thinks you did something you didn't. It all boils down to trust.
I repeat seek professional assistance especially if he won't sit down and talk about "the new him" and why he chose to be this way. I don't buy it and neither should you!
i came home on midtour from Iraq, my husband is very cold and distant, he says its just the new him. He doesn't like to touch me, and actually makes me feel like a slut (his personal slut) when i want him, and he is mean about it. He doesn't make love to me anymore, its just sex, and i think he tolerates it more than he enjoys it. He tells me he does love me, but he yells, screams, and cusses me out every chance he gets. We have had a rough past and i am curious about our future. I love him so much, but am really doubting that he truly loves and wants me. Im so confused - as soon as i pull away and convince myself that its time to let go, he reels me in - only to be mean again as soon as he knows he has me. Please help me understand his actions...
Fly girl...ask him to go to counseling with you. If he won't he doesn't want to change his behavior and may be egging you on to leave him by being everything you don't want him to be. That way, you'll be the bad "guy/girl" who gave up on the marriage. It's a coward's way out. Just my opinion, get real advice from a professional.
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I have to say that for the past few of hours i have been hooked by the amazing posts on this blog. Keep up the great work.