What you feeling guilty for? Having sex, not having sex but wanting to, not wanting to have sex until marriage, not wanting sex at all?
Most, if not nearly all, cultures frown on sex before marriage as much as they do adultery - at least for women. (Yeah, I know, the old double standard at play again)
By the time you are about 5 years old, you have a basic and fixed understanding of your culture - that is your culture in the home, not necessarily the one your family lives in.
All well and good.
Until puberty hits with it's tidal wave of hormones that demand you start using these newly functional parts of your body, like, right now. And your family culture says no, while the general culture around you says go for it.
It causes a lot of guilt and unnecessary pain for a lot of people since "You can take the boy out of the Bible Belt, but you can't take the Bible Belt out of the boy."
But, you know what? It's your life. Not your parent's, not TV's, not the neighbor's, not the cute guy in class who is trying to get into your pants'.
Your life. Your choices. You decide which culture you wish to live in. Some people stick with the cultural expectations they learned pre-school. Many rebel and go as far in the opposite direction of their familial culture as they can. Some try to adapt to the culture they actually live in.
The smart ones pick the best of both, creating a new, hopefully slightly saner, culture for when they have a family of their own.
If you wish to wait - well you are not alone, as many readers here will confirm. If you wish to take some time and go slow - do so. Your body, your right to decide how much, how far and when.
And that guilt you feel?
Look at it. Really dig around and examine it well. Drill down to the roots of it. Understand it well, that you are feeling guilt for something you haven't even done and had no say in. Then it loses much of it's power over you.
Good luck.
Am I allowed to ask questions in the comments for other commenters to answer?
I am going to go ahead and do so.
So I have been with my bf for about 8 months. We have had our ebbs and flows, but overall a very stable relationship. Last week for the first time, he told me he loved me, and he clearly meant it. He has been joking for the last few months about marriage and babies with me. ("If we get married...we are going to have a crazy honeymoon.") And maybe not so much of a joke, late at night, "what would our babies look like?" So yesterday we got in our first fight. He had a ton of work to do, I was feeling needy since I was sick and stressed. I should not have bugged him, but I did. And he got annoyed. And we calmly talked it out. He said, "I'm pretty sure I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you." and "When you go to college, you'll probably get swept off your feet by some guy and forget about me." But then we had make up sex. And he called me this morning like nothing had happened. Why the sudden change in attitude?
I am not a Guyspeak writer haha but I will give you my two cents. I take it you are a teenager as you have not attended college yet, perhaps early 20's. Even if you are an adult heading back to school this can apply.
It can be daunting for a man to see his girlfriend or the woman he loves go off to school when they will not be there. Many guys have friends who were in a similar boat and a few months in they find out their girlfriend has been fooling around. This is probably the reason he is being very hot and cold apparently. He loves you, doesn't want to lose you, so he is preparing for the possible outcome of you leaving him or sleeping around once you get to university. Pretty much he is playing it as safe, and close to the chest, as possible. It is a common thing for couples to split up before or during first year university as they want to 'experience' everything life has to offer. Personally I think using college to sleep around is a very foolish thing to do (Thanks sexual education!) but everyone has their own way of living.
He loves you, he is scared, talk to him about it.
Thank you! I will be going to school an hour away, I'll talk to him and reassure him that I will not leave him. He's in his last year of college.
sticking to your values and beliefs is the only way to get the guy you really want, regardless of what culture you grew up in, or are in right now. you dont want the guys that don't respect that, and guys will be more likely to respect you and your values and beliefs if you stick to them. the good ones will be willing to wait and admire you all that much more for it. and when you do that, you don't feel guilty because you are being true to yourself. MM is right, find out the cause of your guilt, women are the guiltiest creatures on the planet and most of it comes from not being honest with your true authentic self and what you want. it's okay to want what you want, it's your life, and don't settle for anyone that doesnt respect that. i've been dating the same person for several months and we are waiting until it's right, but we still are able to have a wonderful, intimate, and affectionate connection with each other regardless of the fact that sex isn't in the picture yet. dating without sex in this day and age is unconventional, but it is not impossible. it's difficult, can even be frustrating, but if you are honest about why you are making those choices you know the end result will be that much more worth it. but don't feel guilty about them, it's your life! you get to choose whatever values you want no matter what country you live in. good luck!
Thanks so much, MM. I really appreciate your answer. At my age, the assumption that I have some sexual experience is totally implicit. Meanwhile, I'm terrified to get close to any guy because then eventually I'd have to deal with the fear and guilt. I want sex but it's been drilled into my head that I mustn't, but like any kid I absorbed things from my surroundings, making my mind a pretty conflicted place. To make things worse, I've never dated but there have been a couple of guys I really fell in love with and it turned out that they just wanted to use me for sex (like never even wanted to take me on a freaking date, just wanted to sleep with me), and ever since I can't help but full out run away from any kind of intimacy. I don't know how to undo all that messiness. Your answer makes me think I need some help with that. I think I'll try to go see a therapist or something or I'll never have a functional relationship. Thanks again for your insight.
Love, affection and sex is not something to fear. Not in your case. So don't.
I feel like it would kill my mother, if I'm being perfectly honest.
I feel like it would kill my mother, if I'm being perfectly honest.
Well, it sounds like you need to take some time to think about what you want away from all of these influences and really make the decision for yourself. But ultimately, if you decide you want to wait, for any reason(even if that reason is just that it's been so ground into you that you have to wait, that you don't think you'd be able to enjoy sex outside marriage), you should and you should expect your partner to be okay with and supportive of that decision.
I'm waiting until marriage. When I was young, it was because my parents/religion wanted me to. As I grew up, grew away from my religion, and started really listening to my heart and my hormones, I still decided that I wanted to wait.
I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and he is more than happy to wait with me. He's had sexual relationships in the past, but he's still totally willing, even happy, to wait. I mean, I don't really have reference for a "typical" intimate relationship, but I feel our relationship is extremely intimate. I've asked him and he even says our relationship is WAY more intimate without sex than his earlier relationships with sex. Sex is a big act of intimacy, but it's not the only or best way to obtain it.
As far of being guilty, don't be! It sounds like you haven't had sex yet, so you obviously shouldn't be feeling guilty for that. And if you do decide to have sex, as long as you are comfortable with it, there should be absolutely no shame in it.
Yes, a lot of guys out there won't be willing to wait. So, find a guy who is. Contrary to popular belief, there are guys out there who also want to wait or have waited up until this point. And some guys will be like my boyfriend, have done it in the past but are willing to stop for you. This is a big decision, but it should be an easy one to make once you really figure out what you want.