Twitter isn't everyone's cup of tea, I know, but if you aren't on it, you're missing some good comedy. Here are some my favorites from this list of favorites on Huffington Post.
Dear Autocorrect, I promise you, no matter where life takes me and what I wind up doing, I'm rarely going to use the word duck. - Jenni Konner (@campsucks)
If we split dessert, I will keep cutting that last bite in half until one of us is dead. It will be you. So just eat the goddamn cake, OK? - Jennifer Graves (@ThatJennGraves)
When I see women with really long hair I think "have you never been through a break up?" - Susan Burke (@ThatSusanBurke)
Winning the Super Bowl probably feels as good as taking your bra off. - Molly McAleer (@molls)
The Gap always e-mails me at 4am. Go to bed, Gap. You're too drunk to tell me about free shipping. - Elaine Carroll (@elainasaurus)
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose? - Megan Amram (@meganamram)
Any other women feel like they missed the step between "Not allowed to date or have sex EVER" and "Why aren't you married and pregnant yet?" - Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff)
Who wants to take a morning run along the Hudson tomorrow with me? I'll meet you at Zero o'clock at the corner of Bitch and Please. - Paula Pell (@perlapell)
Saw a guy on a date use a tip calculator app and instantly add 15% more of a chance she "has to be up really early tomorrow." - Rachel Lichtman (@JDRotaryRachel)
Before you marry someone you should first watch them use a computer with slow internet to see who they truly are. - Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings)
Don't forget to wish that one bottle of salad dressing in your fridge a happy 2nd birthday! - molly (@Molly_Kats)
When I was 12 I thought all my teachers were 50 but they were, like, 27. - Cherry Cheva (@cherrycheva)
I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping." - Ali Waller (@imaliwaller)
Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but I can't orgasm until I've seen you properly handle "it's" and "its." - Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene)
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a punctuation mark, a gang sign, an extinct mammal, and a hieroglyph. - Stephanie Wright (@StephBWright)
The worst part of being late is that you shouldn't be holding an iced coffee. - Emmy Blotnick (@emmyblotnick)
Stop saying you've "waited all your life for this." Everyone's waited all their lives for EVERYTHING. That"s how time works. - Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran)
I wish there was an "a cheese platter before bed" proverb on par with "an apple a day." - Carrie Brownstein (@Carrie_Rachel)
Paid for my Starbucks with cash instead of iPhone app like a goddamn pioneer prairie woman. - Susan Spiaggia (@LipstickSpice)
I'm only into bearded men for their exfoliating properties. - Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby)
More here.
Happy 2013, friends. Thank you for reading GuySpeak.
RELATED LINKS:
Funniest tweets of 2011
13 easy ways to get noticed by guys
101 New Year's resolutions you can actually keep
Dear Autocorrect, I promise you, no matter where life takes me and what I wind up doing, I'm rarely going to use the word duck. - Jenni Konner (@campsucks)
If we split dessert, I will keep cutting that last bite in half until one of us is dead. It will be you. So just eat the goddamn cake, OK? - Jennifer Graves (@ThatJennGraves)
When I see women with really long hair I think "have you never been through a break up?" - Susan Burke (@ThatSusanBurke)
Winning the Super Bowl probably feels as good as taking your bra off. - Molly McAleer (@molls)
The Gap always e-mails me at 4am. Go to bed, Gap. You're too drunk to tell me about free shipping. - Elaine Carroll (@elainasaurus)
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose? - Megan Amram (@meganamram)
Any other women feel like they missed the step between "Not allowed to date or have sex EVER" and "Why aren't you married and pregnant yet?" - Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff)
Who wants to take a morning run along the Hudson tomorrow with me? I'll meet you at Zero o'clock at the corner of Bitch and Please. - Paula Pell (@perlapell)
Saw a guy on a date use a tip calculator app and instantly add 15% more of a chance she "has to be up really early tomorrow." - Rachel Lichtman (@JDRotaryRachel)
Before you marry someone you should first watch them use a computer with slow internet to see who they truly are. - Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings)
Don't forget to wish that one bottle of salad dressing in your fridge a happy 2nd birthday! - molly (@Molly_Kats)
When I was 12 I thought all my teachers were 50 but they were, like, 27. - Cherry Cheva (@cherrycheva)
I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping." - Ali Waller (@imaliwaller)
Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but I can't orgasm until I've seen you properly handle "it's" and "its." - Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene)
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a punctuation mark, a gang sign, an extinct mammal, and a hieroglyph. - Stephanie Wright (@StephBWright)
The worst part of being late is that you shouldn't be holding an iced coffee. - Emmy Blotnick (@emmyblotnick)
Stop saying you've "waited all your life for this." Everyone's waited all their lives for EVERYTHING. That"s how time works. - Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran)
I wish there was an "a cheese platter before bed" proverb on par with "an apple a day." - Carrie Brownstein (@Carrie_Rachel)
Paid for my Starbucks with cash instead of iPhone app like a goddamn pioneer prairie woman. - Susan Spiaggia (@LipstickSpice)
I'm only into bearded men for their exfoliating properties. - Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby)
More here.
Happy 2013, friends. Thank you for reading GuySpeak.
RELATED LINKS:
Funniest tweets of 2011
13 easy ways to get noticed by guys
101 New Year's resolutions you can actually keep
Those. Are. Fabulous. I love smart, funny women!
Thanks for all the laughs this year, Cary. Your love and appreciation of women is a rare gift. Wishing you all the best in 2013!
Great choices, Cary! Those are really funny. Loved the Ryan Gosling/Goose one.
Happy New Year! Thanks for your warm, funny, clever, and sensible answers and blog posts here which give us a REASON to keep coming back to Guyspeak.
OMG, this one made me LAUGH!
Paid for my Starbucks with cash instead of iPhone app like a goddamn pioneer prairie woman. - Susan Spiaggia (@LipstickSpice)
That's hysterical, and so are you! Thanks for making us laugh on the first day of 2013. You rock.
Love these! I wish I was better at the Twitter. I don't get it. It's just too confusing and I guess I'm just too old. :/ Also, you kids with your rock n' roll music-- get off my lawn!
Hilarious!!! I apparently need to start actually using my twitter account! Definitely needed the laugh with my coffee to wake me up this morning :)
Wonderful.
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