If you are in a romantic relationship, you will fight with your partner at some point in time. Yeah,
I know, your relationship is all hearts and butterflies and you can't
imagine ever quarreling with your snookums, but you will, trust me. Disagreements are normal human behavior and part of
working out the kinks of any relationship.
The good news is that an argument doesn't have to be detrimental to your relationship. There are rules to fair fighting, ways to disagree so you don't cause permanent damage to your relationship. Here are some of the ones I've found most helpful.
1. Don't fight when you are tired, hungry or under the influence
You know those old Snickers commercials with Betty White and Joe Pesci and Aretha Franklin that end with the line, "You're not yourself when you're hungry"? They're on to something. Hungry, exhausted, wasted--these are not the times to try to discuss anything rationally. Have a sandwich, take a nap, sleep it off. You can have a calm and mature discussion when you are yourself again.
2. Don't fight when you are angry
It sounds silly--"How can I fight if I'm not angry?"--but it's true. You won't resolve anything when you're furious. Just walk away and let things cool off before you try to work out the problem.
3. Don't generalize
Nobody "always" or "never" does anything. Avoid ridiculous blanket statements, because they aren't true and they can make your mate feel like a failure.
4. Don't pile on
A fight about one particular topic doesn't give you a green light to bring up every single thing that bothers you about the other person. Choose your battles, and choose them one at a time. If you pile on, your partner will think you hate him and he'll give up.
5. Avoid cheap shots
Personal attacks, name-calling, threats: no. Just no. This fight and whatever caused it will be forgotten in time, but cruel things said in anger will be remembered for years. Get a grip on your tongue or delay the argument until you can (see #2).
6. Don't interrupt
If nobody can finish a sentence, you'll be there all night. Be quiet and listen. You'll get your turn.
7. Don't run out or clam up
Walking away solves nothing. Unless you need to cool down (see #2 again), deal with the problem now instead of letting it fester for days.
8. Be willing to admit mistakes
You are not perfect. Both of you have a role in this fight. Be willing to say, "I was wrong. I'm sorry," and watch how quickly these simple words can defuse the most intense disagreements.
9. Don't get physical
You would think this is a no-brainer, but I've gotten many questions from readers who seem to think it's okay for them or their partners to get physical in a fight. It is not. It only takes one push, grab, slap, or worse to take your minor argument to a completely different--and dangerous--level. And for you to end up in jail. Don't do it.
Fights don't have to be nasty affairs that hurt and linger for days or weeks afterwards. Follow these rules of civility, and your disagreements can be a positive instead of a negative.
The good news is that an argument doesn't have to be detrimental to your relationship. There are rules to fair fighting, ways to disagree so you don't cause permanent damage to your relationship. Here are some of the ones I've found most helpful.
1. Don't fight when you are tired, hungry or under the influence
You know those old Snickers commercials with Betty White and Joe Pesci and Aretha Franklin that end with the line, "You're not yourself when you're hungry"? They're on to something. Hungry, exhausted, wasted--these are not the times to try to discuss anything rationally. Have a sandwich, take a nap, sleep it off. You can have a calm and mature discussion when you are yourself again.
2. Don't fight when you are angry
It sounds silly--"How can I fight if I'm not angry?"--but it's true. You won't resolve anything when you're furious. Just walk away and let things cool off before you try to work out the problem.
3. Don't generalize
Nobody "always" or "never" does anything. Avoid ridiculous blanket statements, because they aren't true and they can make your mate feel like a failure.
4. Don't pile on
A fight about one particular topic doesn't give you a green light to bring up every single thing that bothers you about the other person. Choose your battles, and choose them one at a time. If you pile on, your partner will think you hate him and he'll give up.
5. Avoid cheap shots
Personal attacks, name-calling, threats: no. Just no. This fight and whatever caused it will be forgotten in time, but cruel things said in anger will be remembered for years. Get a grip on your tongue or delay the argument until you can (see #2).
6. Don't interrupt
If nobody can finish a sentence, you'll be there all night. Be quiet and listen. You'll get your turn.
7. Don't run out or clam up
Walking away solves nothing. Unless you need to cool down (see #2 again), deal with the problem now instead of letting it fester for days.
8. Be willing to admit mistakes
You are not perfect. Both of you have a role in this fight. Be willing to say, "I was wrong. I'm sorry," and watch how quickly these simple words can defuse the most intense disagreements.
9. Don't get physical
You would think this is a no-brainer, but I've gotten many questions from readers who seem to think it's okay for them or their partners to get physical in a fight. It is not. It only takes one push, grab, slap, or worse to take your minor argument to a completely different--and dangerous--level. And for you to end up in jail. Don't do it.
Fights don't have to be nasty affairs that hurt and linger for days or weeks afterwards. Follow these rules of civility, and your disagreements can be a positive instead of a negative.
This is a great list and very good advice. One more that I might add is that it is also OK to agree to disagree on some things. No two people in a relationship are ever exactly alike and you will have differences of opinion no matter what. Once you realize that your significant other doesn't HAVE to think exactly the same way that you do on every single issue, and that you can still get along in spite of differences, life gets easier. Couples who are able to be flexible and compromise have a much better chance of working things out.
Be honest and try to get to the root of what you're really feeling. I think a lot of times when someone is angry and they lash out, what they're really trying to say is "I'm hurt" or "I'm scared" but they feel too vulnerable to admit that. Anger is secondary. It helps (at least me) to keep that in mind during an argument. Trusting the other person with your true feelings is key.
Great list! I'm not a very good fighter at all. I hate fighting, but I know that it happens sometimes and this post will definitely help me. I also agree with what both RachRiot and Daisy said. Agreeing to disagree is important. I also think it's important not to belittle your partner's opinion. It's a valid opinion, even if it's not the same as yours. The root of what is truly bothering you is important too. For me it's usually fear and if I remember that, then the rest falls into place.
Don't say..., If you don't like it you can leave/divorce/etc.
I think me and my ex did every one of these. he'd grab me if i tried to leave to cool off, so always fought pissed off, if we were exhausted, I'd threaten to leave, we'd call each other names, generalize, pile on. it was horrible. his next girlfriend and him ended up calling the cops on each other all the time. I shudder to think of what would happen to me if i stayed. she was more spit fire then me.
the guy I'm with now.. we've never had a fight fight. we're both fairly naturally passive(I only yell when I'm yelled at and I can't get away). I've gotten mad at him a handful of times(and he's calmed me down right away) and he's gotten mad twice in 2 years (which lasted a whole 2-5 minuets) we discuss things, we're honest, we get down to whats really the issue. It works better that way
The one thing you should do is LISTEN. Sounds so simple but when you listen to other people fight it's disheartening once you realize how rare it really is. Usually people are just waiting for their turn to get a word in, rather than actually stopping to hear what the other person is saying. How can you expect someone to respect you and what you have to say if you can't do the same for them? Push that mental list, of all the things you don't want to forget to say, to the side, sit down, and listen.
Adding to Silkysly, I would also say that you never threaten to leave, unless you really really mean it. You can't use empty threats just to get what you want from the other person.. Constantly threatening abandonment is not only manipulative, it actually eats away at the core of the relationship. Even if the fight is momentarily resolved, you leave the other person with the impression that you are not willing to really work on the relationship.