He's probably filing her complaint with the myriad of other minor complaints she's made. It all sounds the same to him. Likely scenario: when she leaves him, she'll say she struggled for a long time, then got over him, and now she's ready to move on. She'll say she continually told him what she needed and he didn't do it. Meanwhile, he'll feel completely blindsided and will be wounded long after the breakup while she's ready to date again. My advice is for her to explain her deal breakers in a very clear way and let him know she is emotionally preparing for life without him. This isn't an ultimatum. It's really happening, so he needs to know. Guys are always shocked they're breaking up for x, when she was also complaining about y, z, a, b, and c the whole time. They need to know what's really causing pain.

I think this isn't really true - relationships are about compromise, and yes, to some extent changing habits that get on your partners nerves.

Example: me and my boyfriend are living together. I'm a neat freak, he's... well, when he was living by himself he had a heap higher than his bed of dirty clothes. When we moved in together, it caused quite a few arguments. Now, we've basically sorted it. He tries to humour me by tidying his stuff, I don't jump on his case when he doesn't put things away.

At the end of the day, both of us care more about the other person, and not arguing, than we do about hanging on to habits that annoy the other.

I agree that partners can change but I think that mind-reading boyfriends is an unrealistic expectation.

My guy is a strong silent stoic type and a self-described 'action taker.' He doesn't use words which I do and prefer. So instead of getting upset, stewing silently, or being passive-aggressive, I told him straight out. 'I need to hear the words. I know you care about me but I need to hear the words. I know you're an action person and I'll start showing you in actions that I care about you."

I didn't want to make it about him needing to change but about what I needed from the relationship. People don't respond when they feel they're being persecuted for being himself because, lets be serious, there's nothing wrong with being silent so why should he get in trouble for it.

There's an importance to separate need-to-change habits and just habits that you-need-to-change. Not calling for a couple days versus not staying on the phone long enough.

Anyways, after talking to my boyfriend he was open and warm and said "I'll use the words more." and he has. He's been open and now he calls just to say hi and to do his 'boyfriend due diligence.'

All I'm saying is sort out your motivations for why you want him to change a habit and actually talk to him (make sure it's an open and accepting approach). Don't expect him to be a mind-reader

LOVE this. I am totally guilty of seeing the "could" instead of the "is". It tends to just hurt us more in the long run. But it's hard to realize and then let go of.

But happy news! I became aware of it after a longterm relationship, and have stayed single for a couple of years. Learned that I was attracted to men who were mirror reflections of my searching for what and where I needed to be, which is kinda interesting. When we aren't ready we seem to really go for mirror images of our worst faults.

But acknowledging that and working on myself, figuring out the type of person I wanted to be, the type of career I wanted to have, where I ultimately want to live, has all put me to a point where YES, I still have that initial gut reaction to those guys. But it wears off after a few days. I don't try to fool myself about them, and accept their behavior as is and that they are telling me loud and clear who they are and who they probably will be. Maybe once I've finally been able to make that final move, that few days of attraction will turn into just a few minutes. But acknowledging it, being honest with ourselves, all of that lets us make progress slowly but surely :)

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