Warning to readers: This will be a much longer and more personal one than usual, getting into tl:dr territory.
"I broke up with my ex boyfriend "Joe" because I don't want to be with someone like my father(an alcoholic). He's been my best friend since HS and I love him, but alcohol messed up my family and I don't want it to ruin the future. He says he wants to quit for me but doesnt know how. Should I wait for him to come around?"
I get some variation of this question every week and I never answer, as it hits rather close to home. Still, God hates a coward, right?
Very rarely do alcoholics turn into a caricture, like Randy Quaid in Independence Day. Most of the time, they look, act and sound totally normal.
There are two types of alcoholic. There is the binge alcoholic - who can not drink for months, but, who once started, drinks until blackout. Every damned time he drinks, without fail. He has no off switch, and is easy to spot on a date involving drinking. This is the one who will be drunk texting you at 2 am after a date, puking in your bed at 4 am after somehow finding his way back to your place, coming home bruised and bleeding from bar fights, and catching every STD going.
Then there is the functional alcoholic - needs to drink to get through the day, rarely gets totally drunk and is never totally sober. These are almost impossible to spot while dating, because they act normal in almost every respect. Until they get home, anyway, and have a few more "to wind down." And then can become very dangerous indeed. This is the type that gals, and guys, should fear. The type that leads to broken homes and emotionally scarred kids.
So how can you tell? After all, pretty much everyone belts down a few drinks from time to time, in social situations, or to cheer themselves up, or to get up the courage to talk to the hot chick/guy at the other end of the bar. Lots of people go on a bender from time to time. Right?
Until you know them well, you simply won't know they are an alcoholic. You won't even know if you are an alcoholic. Alcoholics, especially the functional ones, are really, really good at lying and hiding it from others, and themselves. The cunning they show in hiding their drinking is both amazing and rather frightening.
So you might wind up living with one. Married to one. Maybe even have children with one. Or being one.
Stop panicking.
The good news is, even the most hardened alcoholic can give up drinking. Not give up being an alcoholic, as that, like herpes, children and taxes, is with you for life, but giving up the drink, totally.
If they really want to.
No outside pressure or force can make it happen though, it has to come from within themselves. Alcoholics Anonymous call it the rock bottom moment. That moment of total and utter honesty with yourself as your life smashes to the ground for the final time. The moment you realise that yes, it is actually all your own damned fault. The moment that has you reaching for a drink - and stopping before you pour it.
Actually giving up is, well, hard. It takes strength, determination, and, most of all, masses of support from friends, loved ones and even strangers.
The first week is the worst, physically and emotionally, as the demon in your brain tries to make bargains with you and your body sweats out years of poison.
After the second week, you get what is known as "the pink cloud," where life feels great, you feel great and everything is wonderful.
Then the cravings start. The little demon voice in your head that says, at a party, "Go on, you are cured. Just have the one." The voice that will talk to you, from time to time, for the rest of your life. Yeah. I've been there. It really f*cking hurts.
But, like everything, it passes. Eventually. Life gets better, then gets really good.
14 months sober so far. I go to parties. Go to bars to see my friends. But the demon is still in there. Biding his time. Just waiting.
Screw him! There is no shame in admitting to being alcohol dependant. The shame is in not doing something about it.
"Hi, I am Mystery Man, and I am an alcoholic."
"I broke up with my ex boyfriend "Joe" because I don't want to be with someone like my father(an alcoholic). He's been my best friend since HS and I love him, but alcohol messed up my family and I don't want it to ruin the future. He says he wants to quit for me but doesnt know how. Should I wait for him to come around?"
I get some variation of this question every week and I never answer, as it hits rather close to home. Still, God hates a coward, right?
Very rarely do alcoholics turn into a caricture, like Randy Quaid in Independence Day. Most of the time, they look, act and sound totally normal.
There are two types of alcoholic. There is the binge alcoholic - who can not drink for months, but, who once started, drinks until blackout. Every damned time he drinks, without fail. He has no off switch, and is easy to spot on a date involving drinking. This is the one who will be drunk texting you at 2 am after a date, puking in your bed at 4 am after somehow finding his way back to your place, coming home bruised and bleeding from bar fights, and catching every STD going.
Then there is the functional alcoholic - needs to drink to get through the day, rarely gets totally drunk and is never totally sober. These are almost impossible to spot while dating, because they act normal in almost every respect. Until they get home, anyway, and have a few more "to wind down." And then can become very dangerous indeed. This is the type that gals, and guys, should fear. The type that leads to broken homes and emotionally scarred kids.
So how can you tell? After all, pretty much everyone belts down a few drinks from time to time, in social situations, or to cheer themselves up, or to get up the courage to talk to the hot chick/guy at the other end of the bar. Lots of people go on a bender from time to time. Right?
Until you know them well, you simply won't know they are an alcoholic. You won't even know if you are an alcoholic. Alcoholics, especially the functional ones, are really, really good at lying and hiding it from others, and themselves. The cunning they show in hiding their drinking is both amazing and rather frightening.
So you might wind up living with one. Married to one. Maybe even have children with one. Or being one.
Stop panicking.
The good news is, even the most hardened alcoholic can give up drinking. Not give up being an alcoholic, as that, like herpes, children and taxes, is with you for life, but giving up the drink, totally.
If they really want to.
No outside pressure or force can make it happen though, it has to come from within themselves. Alcoholics Anonymous call it the rock bottom moment. That moment of total and utter honesty with yourself as your life smashes to the ground for the final time. The moment you realise that yes, it is actually all your own damned fault. The moment that has you reaching for a drink - and stopping before you pour it.
Actually giving up is, well, hard. It takes strength, determination, and, most of all, masses of support from friends, loved ones and even strangers.
The first week is the worst, physically and emotionally, as the demon in your brain tries to make bargains with you and your body sweats out years of poison.
After the second week, you get what is known as "the pink cloud," where life feels great, you feel great and everything is wonderful.
Then the cravings start. The little demon voice in your head that says, at a party, "Go on, you are cured. Just have the one." The voice that will talk to you, from time to time, for the rest of your life. Yeah. I've been there. It really f*cking hurts.
But, like everything, it passes. Eventually. Life gets better, then gets really good.
14 months sober so far. I go to parties. Go to bars to see my friends. But the demon is still in there. Biding his time. Just waiting.
Screw him! There is no shame in admitting to being alcohol dependant. The shame is in not doing something about it.
"Hi, I am Mystery Man, and I am an alcoholic."
Great post, thank you.
I have an on-off involvement with someone who I believe drinks too much. Sober, he is kind, generous, interesting and funny. Then he starts drinking, and keeps going until he has drunk a bottle of wine and four pints of beer....and this is during a quiet night in front of the TV. He says it's perfectly normal, that he isn't drunk and he needs to be 'himself'. He drinks and drives and has been stopped by the police. I've had the drunken late night texts and voicemails...I'm always tempted to go back. Ultimately I don't like him when he is drunk...he isn't himself, just an intense, moody, reckless, hyperactive person who I don't want to be with.
The first time I met him he went from friendly and sober to falling over in the street style drunk (he's in his late thirties). I didn't want to read too much into it at the time. I thought it was just a one off thing. I know he can't change until he wants to...he never apologizes for his drunken behaviour. Why can't he see it?! It's just awful & sad and a waste of a life.
That was wonderful!
Congratulations man, seriously. Thanks for being a real person and a fine one at that.
You've got quite a pair.
Good answer, MM. Incredibly thoughtful and intelligent and, of course, personal.
I believe a man must prove it to himself before being trusted with people willing to devote themselves to him and love him unconditionally. It's not fair to either party to build a relationship on unstable promises and dreams that have yet to come true, especially when it comes to something as crippling as substance addiction.
My father was an emotionally retarded alcoholic who abused and manipulated me constantly for the first eight years of my life, until I got away. Nearly ten years later, and this has been the worst year of my life in terms of PTSD and struggling with the aftermath of what he did to me. I start hyperventilating and need to leave a store if there's somebody there that resembles him, and need to turn and run the other direction if I see a car like his coming down the street. The smell of beer gives me a panic attack.
Abuse is way more than that one drink, that one time you shouldn't have put your hands on her, and that one moment. It stays forever. It's not worth it to 'try your best' and put the weight of fragile promises on a trusting partner's shoulders. You need to prove it to yourself first.
What an amazing post MM. Bravo, for being strong and staying sober these past 14 months. Hopefully you have been able to give a reader strength to step away from an emotionally harmful situation; or made someone else look at their own lives or habits. Much love MM.
If only one person here looks at themself and says "hold on a sec" this was worth it.
I really hate this personal stuff,
hats off to you Mystery man.xx I have a friend who may be one.
I believe you can love an alcoholic but there are needs.
Beautifully thought out and beautifully rendered, MM.
Great job MM!! Keep it up! The people that love you will thank you one day too!
I believe that every person needs someone to love them, whether they know it or not, and sometimes that journey is really hard. Loving an alcoholic, or anyone with a debilitating addiction, is not easy. It can be sad, dangerous, scary and emotionally emptying and so much more. At some point, its not just about you and him or you and her. It can also be very hard on the children you may or may not have. And staying with them, doesn't mean changing him or making the situation better. He has to want to change and he can't do it for you.
I'm very fortunate, my Dad was not physically abusive to me, my mom or my sisters. He could however tear you to shreds verbally and emotionally until you were never sure which was worse while he was drunk.
When I was 5, all I wanted to do was get a way from him. I knew the magic number was 18. Survive 12 years of school and then leave. He couldn't stop me at that point. When I was about 10, I was suicidal and almost a runaway. I was afraid to leave my mother/sisters, so I stayed. I was afraid of him.
My mom and I look alike with many of the same mannerisms. If I set him off, she got it and if she set him off, I got it. I learned after a while, that if you just sat there and took it without crying or responding, he would let everyone else sleep through the 2AM screaming tirades on a school night, I also spent much time shut in my room because it was the only way I guess my Mom thought she could protect me from him.
I love my Dad, and we get along fine now. When he drinks and starts his manipulations, I can get up an leave. I don't have to passively take it. I will also say I vary rarely drink because I don't want to be like him and I have no great desire to marry someone like that side of him either.
Would I give up on someone I loved because of their over imbibing of alcohol and my history with an alcoholic? No. But I would set my expectations lower. Love him, but don't expect changes. Let him take the steps to change his life first and then see what happens. He cannot do it for you. He has to make changes for himself.
MM, That took a lot of courage, but I am sure it's going to help a lot of people who are blind to their own drinking problems or those of the people that they love. You might hate the personal stuff, but I think it's the most powerful. Thanks for being willing to share.
You are a true man Mystery Man
Je vous emprie!
Je suis herieux que j'ais vous aide!
That works a lot better if the post is was a reply to hadn't been deleted ....
MM, your French ain't bad at all! (Frenchie talking over here..)
as for your article, I can only say Bravo. Bravo for having had the courage to look at yourself and realize you had a drinking problem, bravo for having the strength to get over it, and bravo for having the guts to put it on the table here.
You're the man.
Vous êtes le meilleur. Merci d'être MM, l'Homme Mystérieux.
Congratulations on all of your hard work! Keep it up!
Thank you for such a great blog. Where else could anyone get that kind of information written in such an incite full way? I have a presentation that I am just now working on, and I have been looking for such info.
Keep up the good work Mystery Man, keep going. Thank you for being so gut wrenchingly honest. Guys who are honest and real are far nicer than guys who aren't and they are nicest as men so keep THAT going too.
As long as you have friends with whom you can be honest then you are ok.
Please can we have more on this. I have a situation with a friend who may be an alcoholic and also a long term weed user and hey we all wish to have normal lives don't we.
And who I feel is vulnerable to taking fuck knows...help mood things, love type behaviours and then pow zilch!! must clarify and ask for help!xx
This is awesome!
"I love when I see both patient and family member become willing to receive the power of love from each other",
Read Vickie’s story at Drug Addiction Treatment, Power of Love OR http://goo.gl/h6SsG .”
Are you a “journey” or a “destination” person?
Go to Drug Addiction Treatment Link, Journey or Destination Person OR http:// goo.gl/6NBep to find out.