Yeah, I said it: CHRISTMAS. All you Bahai'i and Scientologists can go celebrate commukwaanzukkah in a gutter for all I care. The rest of us will be over here venerating the precious little baby Jesus and his inevitable death by torture. Because that's how we roll.

Sorry to be so confrontational up front, but I instinctively typed "Christmas" into the title of this post, and my motto is that it's always better to go passionately forward with an ill-conceived idea than to risk admitting a mistake. Sort of like credit default swaps, Iraq, or anal sex.

But I digress. The main point here is your abject poverty, and how it's threatening to make your family's newest holiday tradition sucking on tailpipes. But before you do that, remember, a recession doesn't mean you've GOT to end your life; it's just a very compelling reason to do so.

So try out some of these handy, recession-proof Christmas tips, and ensure the emotional scarring to your children this year is festively minimal!*

1. Kids all want these fancy new electronic toys, but honestly, are they even smart enough to use them? In my experience, your child will enjoy a few aluminum cans tied to a lightbulb just as much as that gamestation nonsense.

2. Remember, glass shards are nature's jigsaw puzzle! And like the popular game Operation, they require concentration and a steady hand. And sometimes real stitches!

3. What's a Christmas tree, really? A filthy shrub in your house that you hang valuables on to hide how ugly it is. Cut out the middle man and just put a tarp over a ficus! Then send your valuables to me!

4. Tinsel can serve double duty as re-usable dental floss. Triple duty if you want to give your kids the gift of good oral hygiene this year.

5. As an adult, you probably take for granted things that your children would think of as absolutely incredible gifts. Let your daughter drive the SUV around the block. Give your son a shot of whiskey and let him look at a condom (wrapper on). Nearly free to you, and sure to wow them.

6. Remember Thanksgiving, when you still had a job and food was bountiful and unspoilt? Chances are, you've still got some leftovers kicking around. Take the yams, cranberry sauce, and remaining turkey shreds and mash it all up as a "Christmas casserole." Dinner done.

7. If you're really feeling the financial hurt, just don't get anyone any presents, then write an outraged letter to Santa on Christmas day demanding to know why he dropped the ball.

*Note: if you follow these tips, your children will likely suffer physical scarring.